Thursday, August 21, 2014

Israel Admits: We Protected Jewish Civilians; Vows to Correct Policy

ISL - Jerusalem, 21 August, 2014 - In a stunning turn of events, the Israeli government has now accepted responsibility for the lack of Jewish civilian deaths in the recent conflict and for the extreme disproportion in the number of civilians killed on both sides of the current conflict in Gaza. PM Netanyahu said to reporters in Jerusalem : "We now realize that defending Jews while trying to defeat our enemies has resulted in a grave injustice, which has rightly been condemned by the international community. In order to correct the situation, the government has decided to institute a daily death lottery. Every day, until the war is over, the names of one hundred Israeli citizens will be drawn from a nation-wide pool and they will be subsequently executed."
Netanyahu clarified that the exact manner of execution has not yet been determined, "The exact details are unimportant, "said the PM. "What matters is that the government will now fulfill its international obligations. If we had started this policy from the beginning of the war, we could have had over 3000 dead Jewish citizens already, and we would have been far ahead of the game, in terms of public opinion."

Reactions to this new policy were mixed. A statement issued by the United Nations Commission on Human Rights, which had harshly condemned the Israeli policy of defending Jews,  said that "The implementation of the United Nations Human Rights Norms for Jews is a positive step and may lead to acceptance of Israel into the international community, if the liquidation program is really implemented and enough Jews are killed." Sources within the Commission were willing to state, off the record, that the target number is six million Jews, and when that benchmark is achieved the Commission would revise its opinion of the Jewish state and accept Israel into the family of nations.
British PM, David Cameron was far more positive in his assessment of the new policy. Cameron praised the Israeli government for accepting the International Human Rights Norms for Jews and promised to resume arms shipments to Israel, "As long as they will be used to kill Jews". Netanyahu cited the British PM's statement as proof that the new policy is working to alleviate Israel's isolation and declared that "The best is yet to come."
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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Israel Pretense Forces Bravely Escape Armed Conflict

ISL - Jerusalem, 11 December, 2012 - In another heroic action, highlighting the courage and vigilance of Israel's Pretense Force, an entire squadron of veteran combat soldiers faced off a fierce group of stone-flinging Arab youths, escaping just in time to avoid quelling the disturbance in a professional and decisive manner and without inflicting any kind of physical or spiritual damage upon the Arab hooligans.
   
Secretly filmed footage of the action was inadvertently released on the internet yesterday, allowing the public to witness firsthand the perils of service in the Israeli Pretense Force. Most of the public, as well as Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu and many other MKs from the entire political spectrum, were supportive of the action and the IPF, praising the bravery of the soldiers and their determination to uphold the strictest, most humane rules of combat ever set up by a scarred nation fighting for its very existence. Israeli PM, Netnayahu, released a statement saying that "A new and better generation of soldiers has emerged in Israel, a generation that forgoes the base, physical aspect of combat in order to achieve pure, metaphysical victory on the moral plane. They are the pride of the nation." Minister of Pretense, Ehud Barak, also known as "Runaway Ehud", for his successful, groundbreaking midnight retreat from Lebanon and other military failures, said that "Not since the Disengagement have we seen the IPF act in such a decisively moral manner. This is a proud day for all defenders of important Jewish values such as 'turning the other cheek' and 'Loving your enemy'.
IPF Chief, Benny Dunce, later admitted that three soldiers were moderately wounded in the action, but said that "Moral victories are never cheap, and sometimes, if not always, Jewish blood is the price of conquering and maintaining the moral high ground, which is the only real ground there is and therefore our most important military objective."

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This loathsome business of trading Jewish lives, property, history, ethos, and values for a theoretical morality that only Jews must adhere to, has really gotten out of hand. This premise, invented and imposed in the 1980s by former Supreme Court Chief, Aharon Barak, and the Israeli media, is the source of all our troubles, from the Oslo Accords to this day. The sooner we rid ourselves of this mindset, the more lives we will save on both sides. 
Also, lest anyone has forgotten, the last decisive moral victory that the Jewish people won was the Holocaust. For my part, I can do without such "victories"...
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Sunday, December 9, 2012

International Outrage as Netanyahu Changes Lightbulb in Jerusalem Home


ISL - Jerusalem, 9 December, 2012 - The international community expressed outrage yesterday after it become known that Israeli Prime Minister, the hawkish Mr. Netanyahu, changed a lightbulb in his home in Jerusalem. UN chief, Moon-Sun Tide said that he is extremely disapointed in the actions of the Israeli Prime Minister, which may have set back peace for another decade. High placed sources in the American government said that US President Barak Obama had the worst hissy fit ever and had to be forcibly restrained from calling Netanyahu a dodo-head. Britain and France threatened to continue to despise Jews and serve Muslim interests. to their own detriment. In the West Bank, moderate Palestinian President Mr Abbas issued a statement saying that "This latest provocation proves beyond the shadow of doubt that the Israelis do not wish for peace and that, regrettably  there will be no peace in the region until all the Jews are killed."

For his part, Netanyahu apologized for changing the light bulb in the living room of his house in downtown Jerusalem, claiming that his actions did not in any way shape or form signify a deviation from the policies set down by his predecessors and the international community. "Changing light bulbs in Jerusalem is permitted according to the Oslo accords," a sweating Netanyahu said to reporters today,adding desperately, "Even Rabin changed light bulbs." But the invocation of the Holy Rabin only served to further enrage the horde of Leftist Israeli journalists, so that Netanyahu had to be ushered out of the back door by his security detail, which feared for his life.

Politic analysts in Israel opined that the radical move by Netanyahu was part of the political gamesmanship conducted by all parties before the upcoming election, in which the Likud pretends to be more right-wing than it actually is, and the other Jewish parties on the Left follow suit. Senior analyst Hanan Bamba said that the world needs to understand the situation and relax, since Netanyahu will undoubtedly return to implementing the policies of the Left the minute he is voted into office once again.

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Well, I've gone back to reading current events once in a while due to the upcoming elections, so I may be posting a bit. This, obviously, is my response to the ridiculousness sparked by the government's decision to build homes for Jews in Israel...As you can tell, I am no fan of our current chief executive, who has severely discriminated against Jews simply because they are Jews. I am beginning to think that things will not really change for the better until we get ourselves a bona fide right-wing religious prime minister.
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