Thursday, April 5, 2007

Thousands in Israel Suffer From Post-Seder Traumatic Depression

Ministry of Health spokesman released a statement yesterday warning the public of the probable outbreak of a new, psychological epidemic following the annual joyous celebration of freedom in Jewish families. The new mental disorder is named after the Passover holiday " Post-Seder Traumatic Depression" or by its acronym "PTSD" . According to health officials, symptoms include staring at the walls of your room for hours, incessant crying, general revulsion from human contact, including acute inability to speak or even see close relatives, digestive disorders, and a host of other physical problems stemming, most likely, from stress related reasons.
As of now, the dimensions of the epidemic are apparently quite large but still unknown. First cases were reported yesterday among young Israelis in Tel-Aviv, who were not able to return to normal functioning, even two days after the Seder. Soon, additional incidents were reported in other parts of the country, although it is not certain that all of them are connected, and reports of wholesale violence among relatives around the country seem exaggerated. At this early stage of discovery, the effects of the epidemic and its reach are still being determined, although it does seem quite certain that PTSD has hit hardest among young unmarried Jews.
Mina Levee, mother of three, accompanied by her still silently brooding son, agreed to speak with ISL correspondent, Benji Cohen:

ISL:Can you tell us what happened?
Mina: I have no idea – one minute he was having the time of his life, and the next he was crying. His name is David by the way– really, such a darling – works in computers and makes a fortune - but still unmarried! Would you believe? What's the matter with young people these days – at my age, I already had three kids, including him! Is it too much to ask from a child – your own flesh and blood to get married, have kids, make your mother proud? You're married aren't you? I mean what's wrong with him?
David: (whimpers pitifully)
ISL: So, you have no idea how this started?
Mina: Absolutely none. I'm shocked! My son is a horse! Print that will you? A horse! Never been sick in his life! And he makes a fortune! And he's single!
ISL: Can you describe exactly what happened?
Mina: Well, we were having dinner – this was after the first part of the Seder - and I was just introducing David to a wonderful girl – that's Becky, his cousin – they make such a lovely couple together you know, at least that's what I told Rivka - that's my sister, her family were at my place this year, as usual, but that's Ok I don't mind at all, I mean it's a lot more hassle and I do wish she would learn to make a normal gefilte fish, but really, I'm not complaining, I love her and her family and also David who really needs to get married, it's just a question of finding the right girl which is why I though that Becky would be perfect for him – she's so kind, and pretty, and a great cook, and I'm sure she'll be a perfect mother and wife, so really there was no problem, and they both have the same interests – she likes to cook and she's mad about children, and David likes to work on his computer, so really, what could possibly go wrong?
David: (Drools on himself)
ISL: Does he talk at all?
Mina: Of course he does! He can say momma and dada and pee-pee, and lots of other stuff, like I said, he works in computers, he's only 31, and he makes a lot of money. You should the car they gave him from work! Oy, and the presents, why just this Passover he got two bottles of the finest wine and so much chocolate, you could start a shop! Of course, I had to take it away from him immediately, chocolate makes him nauseous, not to mention the gas, and who needs that just before the Seder, right? I mean, how is he ever going to get married if he stinks the place up, you tell me huh? But really, he's such a fine boy, and so quiet, and gentle. He doesn't like to talk, so really, it doesn't make much of a difference anyway and he'll be fine soon, the doctors say, and Becky told Rivka that she likes him, so they'll probably get married before long - lucky thing I have the wedding all planned out already isn't it, and isn't love a wonderful thing? Who would have thought that two people would meet accidentally on purpose and Boom – they fall in love?
David: (Pees in his pants and starts to cry)
ISL: I think David has to go.
Mina: (sighs) He always was the naughty one. Kids! Can't live with them, can't live without them! Sorry for that, I guess we have to go change now, don't we sweetie pie?
David: (dutifully nods his head)
Tough, Seasoned, ISL Correspondent: (starts to whimper and shake all over)


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