Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Palestinian Unemployment Down As Funeral Services Continue Surge

ISL – Gaza
The Palestinian economy continues to recover from its year long recession as unemployment numbers drop sharply, led by the recent surge in the mainstay of the Palestinian market- the Death Industry.
Hamas Finance Minister Sheik Ahmad Skullah who came into office just one year ago took credit for the renewed growth of the Palestinian economy : "We promised prosperity and employment to our voters and I am glad to say that once again – we have delivered" said Sheik Skullah, "when we came into office, barely a dozen people would get killed in a month, and today we reach that number in one day," the proud Sheikh pointed out.The minister credits hard work and determination on the part of the Ministry, along with a sound grasp of economic theory:

"Even in the darkest times of the recession, when a whole day would go by and no one was getting killed, not even by accident, we never gave up hope. We knew that by cutting down unnecessary bureaucracy, and removing the proverbial "red tape" we would encourage the Palestinian entrepreneurial spirit and that is exactly what happened," the minister said.
Financial experts agree, estimating that more than a hundred new privately owned militias were started in the past year, as well as dozens of funeral parlors, while noting that this an unprecedented number of Palestinians start-ups, rivaling and even surpassing, the neighboring Israeli economy.
The "man on the street" seems to be satisfied too. For instance, Mustafa Shalabi, who had been unemployed for the past year said that just this week he found a new job as a grave digger: "It pays well, I get benefits, and finally I have some job security," said the happy family man who also has plans for the future: "If everything goes well, I will have enough money to marry off my eldest daughter," says Mustapha, who hopes that the groom will remain alive till the wedding: "But even if he doesn't make it, well, that's just more work,and more money for me. I guess a Palestinian just can't lose these days!" said Mr. Shalabi, while cheerfully digging another grave, which, for all we know, could be his own.

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Doctors Without Conscious Apologize for Plot to Assassinate Olmert

Director of humanitarian organization says: All of us are touched by the suffering of the Israeli people under Olmert, apologizes for failure.

ISL – Gaza, Jerusalem
A week after Israeli Security Agency revealed that it had foiled a plot by Doctors Without Conscience employee Ahmad Bashir to assassinate Olmert, the humanitarian organization and it's workers remain embarrassed. Doctor Richard McDeath, regional director of DWC said that Bashir's failure should not cast a shadow on the important work of the organization in the Gaza area: "I would prefer that people remember us for our great humanitarian effort in helping the Palestinians destroy the Jewish state, and not for this misguided attempt of one individual to assassinate the Israeli PM."
Doctor McDeath said that he had no idea Bashir was planning the assassination: "We cannot be held responsible for everything our employees do after work – it is true that many of our staff take up terrorism as a hobby but what is the harm in that?" said Dr. McDeath,

"joining a terrorism group here in Gaza is no different then joining the boy scouts in the States –it's a pleasant
national pastime and educational too , " continued the Director who admitted that "even so, Bashir crossed a red line when he failed to report his actions to us – we could have helped him, and spared all of us the shame and embarrassment of this failure."

Meanwhile in Israel citizens were astonished, and even angry at the actions of the DWC, with many expressing their uttermost disappointment with the humanitarian organization for failing to rid Israel of it's disastrous leader, as well as anger at the Israeli Shin Beth for making such an effort to save him. As one Jerusalem passerby said to us: "Rabin they didn't bother to protect, but this shmendrik of a prime minister they surround with hundreds of guards, and an intelligence net that even a wily and experienced Vice Prime Minister would have trouble penetrating…"

This piece was inspired by this article which appeared in many places, but I first saw it at Boker Tov Boulder
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Palestinian Women Terrorists First To Equality In Arab World

In a historic decision, Hamas allows women to participate equally in murdering Jews.
Western Feminist leaders applaud breakthrough: "Liberalism wins again!"

ISL - Gaza
After years of struggle and sacrifice, Palestinian women finally have something to show for it – true equality with men. This, after the Hamas movement, voted into office just a few months ago on a radical agenda, bowed to popular pressure and mandated equal treatment of terrorist women.
Fatma Kasila, Head of the Palestinian Feminist Movement, which is part of the International Feminists for Terrorism Organization, expressed her satisfaction at the decision: "We have fought for years to achieve equal rights with men. We have always believed that women have the right, given to us by Allah, to kill as many Jews as our men do." Fatma stressed that killing Jews by no means should be an excuse for not fulfilling women's traditional roles:

"As women we wish to be complete – we want do our duties at home, and bear as many children as possible, as well as competing with other terrorists in the workplace," said Fatma, "killing Jews should not be, under any circumstances, an excuse for not doing the housework."
Although the decision had been reached by a majority of the terrorist organizations, there are hold-outs who oppose it. For instance the newly-formed radical splinter group "Jihad With Balls" has said that it would not allow women to join it's organization and participate in military actions against the Jewish Entity: "A women's place is in the house," said AlHakeeli, spokesman for the organization, "it is our duty as men to make money by killing Jews and it is the woman's duty to raise the family. That is the way it has always been, and always will be."
It is unclear though how the government will react to this challenge and if it will try to enforce the law.
Meanwhile, Hamas' decision has been greeted with enthusiasm by feminists around the world. Debbie Cohen from the American feminist organization NOW said that the decision is a momentous one: "This is a small but significant step for women in the Arab world," said Ms. Cohen, "Today the government allowed equality in Terrorism, and tomorrow it will allow them to drive cars and vote. From now on the sky is the limit for Palestinian women ."

This satire was inspired by this piece I saw at LGF.

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Olmert Celebrates Success of Gaza Pullout With Tour of Bombed Communities

Olmert met by thousands of jubilant citizens in Sderot and the Negev who admit: "we never had it so good." Olmert: Finally, someone appreciates me.

ISL - Sderot
Two years after co-sponsoring the disengagement from Gaza under Sharon's leadership, Olmert returned, this time as a triumphant prime minister with his own proud legacy of corruption and failure. Olmert began his tour in the ghost town of Sderot, formerly house to twenty thousand citizens. As a result of the incessant bombings, most have moved away, and only some dogs and policemen are left to watch the ruins of the once thriving town and it is they who meet Olmert when he stops to ask directions:

Olmert: "Excuse me officer!"
Policeman: "Yes, Sir!"
Olmert: "We are looking for Sderot, it's a town near the end of Israel – did we miss it? What is this dump anyway?"
Policeman: "This dump is Sderot, Sir."
Olmert: "Really? It's just an overblown dust bowl. Do people actually live here?"
Policeman: "Not anymore. Most have left because of all the bombing."
Olmert: "Well, I can't say I blame them. I would have left even sooner. What a hellhole! Why did they come here to begin with?"
Policeman: "I don't think anyone asked them Sir. They came to Israel and the government decided to put them here."
Olmert: "Typical Israeli bureaucracy. It's in the middle of nowhere, nothing to do here, and nowhere to go - why, we had to drive more than two hours from Jerusalem just to get here!"
Policeman: Yes, it is kind of an out of the way place. Used to be pretty quiet too."
Olmert: "I'll say. Gives me the shivers. Why the hell did they put people here in the first place?
Policeman: "I guess they were Zionists, Sir. They had the idea that the land belongs to us, and that we have to settle it and fight for it, so that we will have an independent country."
Olmert: "Sounds silly if you ask me. I bet there was an angle. Probably some kind of real-estate scam."

(Sound of rockets landing nearby)

Olmert: "Jesus H. Christ! What the hell was that?"
Policeman (crawling out from under the limousine): That was a mortar shell exploding nearby , Sir. No big deal."
Olmert: "No big deal? Easy for you to say – I might have gotten killed! Killed man!"
Policeman: "Well, people have been killed by the shells. Not as many as you might expect. Lots of damage to property though, and hard on the ears, and the kids."
Olmert: "Sounds awful. Why doesn't the government do anything?"
Policeman: "I expect you would know something about that."
Olmert: "Yes, of course. I am the government! I guess it slipped my mind. There is so much to do when you're Prime minister."
Policeman: "I feel for you, Sir. It must be terribly difficult dealing with all the pressure – the war in Lebanon, The Iranian threat, the chaos in the Gaza Strip."
Olmert: " What really worries me is that eventually I'll get indicted for something. That would be a disaster! Come to think of it, I can't wait to get back home. Can we go back home yet Fred?"
Fred, the PR man: "No Sir, you have to give a "State of The Union Address" to the people here in Sderot. Tell them that you care, that Israel is with them and so on. Promise them money and a solution to all their problems. After that you can go back home."
Olmert angrily: "What the hell are talking about – didn't you hear what the policeman said – everybody is gone!"
Freddy: "Of course they are, but that doesn't matter – there are two hundred people waiting for you in City Hall, not to mention dozens of camera crews. You can't go back now."
Olmert: "Where the hell did you get two hundred people from? The place is empty."
Freddy: "Which is why we had to hire them."
Olmert: "You hired people and brought them all the way down here?"
Freddy: Sure. No sweat. They know what to do, they have painted signs and they'll clap on cue. They're paid for. Don't worry."
Olmert: "Paid? How exactly? You know I'm in enough trouble as it is."
Freddy: "What do you care? If you don't pull this off you won't be Prime minister anymore and no one will care enough to sue you, and if you do manage to get out of this hole, you'll have enough power to do something about it. Start a war or another disengagement or something."
Olmert: "I guess you do have a point. So, we go to City Hall?"
Freddy: "Onward - to City Hall"

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Monday, May 21, 2007

Survivor of Palestinian 1948 Holocaust: I will never forget the horrible sight of thousands of Jews, fighting for their lives - and succeeding.

ISL – Jerusalem
To commemorate the Palestinian holocaust Day, ISL will be running a series of interviews with the survivors of one of history's most tragic episodes – the failure of Palestinian Arabs to exterminate the remnants of the Jewish people that returned to their ancient homeland to establish a viable country for their people. Today we interview Salah Abu – Hitler, from the picturesque hilltop village near Jerusalem, Beit-Shimush.

ISL: How are you today?
Abu-Hitler: I'm ok. Life goes on you know, despite not killing any Jews.
ISL: Does it still hurt? Do you still feel the pain?
Abu-Hitler: Of course. It never goes away and I don't think it ever will. Sometimes I wake up at night from nightmares – I dream that I am walking in Jerusalem and all around me there are Jews – talking, eating, and shopping – and I am helpless! I have a machine gun but for some reason it is not working – I am pulling the trigger and nothing happens, no Jews fall down in pools of blood, nobody screams, no sirens coming near, the Jews keep swarming around me, their liveliness mocking me, shaming me, torturing me - and then I wake up screaming in terror.

ISL: My God. That sounds horrible. Do you dream often about the past?
Abu-Hitler: Nearly every night. Our psychologists even have a name for it. They call it "The Dream about the Jew That Got Away". Nearly every one of us survivors dreams about it. It's part of the trauma that we will carry with us forever.
ISL: I understand that you are part of a support group of survivors.
Abu-Hitler: Yes. It started just several years ago. For decades, many of us were so ashamed that we did not feel comfortable talking about what happened to us. This is a well known phenomenon – as victims we blame ourselves and we are filled with guilt and shame. But as time went by the need to share overcame everything. Today we meet regularly.
ISL: That's great. Does it help? What do you talk about?
Abu-Hitler: Of course it helps. Just knowing that there are other people like you that suffered the same trauma, the same frustration of not being able to kill enough Jews – it is a great comfort not being alone.
ISL: So you just talk about old-times?
Abu-Hitler: Well, we talk about what happened. We were all in the same tragedy, but everyone has his own unique story.
ISL: Can you tell us your story?
Abu-Hitler: Yes. It is just the usual story – I lived here in our village near Jerusalem, living in peace and minding my own business when all of a sudden Jews started coming. They bought barren land and cultivated it, and right before our eyes they succeeded where before we never even thought to try! You can imagine our frustration.
ISL: Certainly
Abu-Hitler: They came, and built roads, and factories, and homes – it was terrible. I cannot even begin to describe the pain and humiliation. They made jobs that paid better than ever before, they brought us electricity, and modern machinery and medicine – In short, they ruined everything we never had. The horror of it is just too cruel to describe.
ISL: I can imagine. If it is too painful than please, just say so, we will stop.
Abu-Hitler: No, I can't stop – this tragic story, the utter modernization of our people must be told over and over again – we must never, ever forget.
ISL: Of course.
Abu-Hitler: We did everything we could to stop the improvement of our society. We ambushed their convoys and their settlements, killed, and maimed and raped and ruined as much as we could - but to no avail. For every Jew we killed it seemed that there was always another one there with an even better gun to take his place. We knew that wasn't true – after all we outnumbered them at least ten to one, but it sure seemed that way.
ISL: It sounds like you did everything inhumanly possible.
Abu-Hitler: I know, I know. But still – to this day I can never shake the feeling that we could have done more to avoid this Nakba, this Catastrophe – maybe if we just could have killed more Jews, burned more fields, marauded more villages – I don't know. When you fail on this scale, when so many Jews go un-killed, un-molested, un-mutilated - you can never stop blaming yourself. On the other hand – there are only twenty four hours a day and even the most dedicated murderers must rest.
ISL: You did the best you could under the circumstances.
Abu-Hitler: Thank you for understanding. We did. Indeed we did. It is surprising how many young people fail to sympathize with us survivors.
ISL: You feel that the survivors have been neglected?
Abu-Hitler: Absolutely. It is obvious that no one wants to acknowledge what happened to us. People do not want to talk about the tragedy, the pain, the loss. Many survivors live in poverty, surviving only on the measly Israeli National Insurance check.
ISL: It's never enough, is it?
Abu-Hitler: Never - they continue to torture us even in the little things! We tried to raise public interest in our plight but nobody wants to listen. The young today are only interested in becoming suicide bombers and killing a few dozen Jews, for their own, selfish ends. Nobody really cares about our society anymore – it's become dog eat dog.
ISL: You think this generation is missing out on the wisdom of your generation?
Abu-Hitler: Yes. They have much to learn from us. Many lessons to learn, mistakes to avoid. I fear that if they do not learn from the past, history will repeat itself, and like us they will suffer a horrible tragedy, and will not manage to destroy the Jewish state.
ISL: In conclusion, if you could give the younger generation one lesson that you have learned from your experience in the Palestinian Holocaust of 1948, what would it be?
Abu-Hitler: If I learned one thing from our Holocaust it would be this – ordinary, traditional violence will not solve anything. What we need is extravagant, insane, diabolical violence. We need unrelenting, unending, unquenchable brutality. That is the only way to ensure that all the Jews will be killed and maybe then, after we drink the blood of the last Jew in Palestine, us survivors will finally be able to get a good nights sleep.

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

Olmert Accuses State Comptroller of Doing His Job

Olmert:"I'm not doing my job, why isn't he not doing his?"

After being harassed for months by State Comptroller Michael Lindenstrauss and being constantly charged with every kind of crime and misdemeanor in the book, Prime Minister Ehud Olmert says that he has had enough:
"I've had it up to here with people like Lindenstrauss who go out of their way to do their jobs as efficiently as possible. There is no place in my government for such a professional attitude" said Olmert to ISL correspondent yesterday: "This is exactly why we passed the Peter Principle Law – so we can deal with annoyingly competent civil servants like the State Comptroller."
Under the new law State Comptroller Michael Lindenstrauss can be charged with "Obstruction of Corruption" as well as "Criminal Competence" and "Serving the Public" which may lead to his immediate dismissal, as well as up to ten years in jail. If guilty, the offender may also be subjected to a civil suit.
Olmert said that he now recalls with fondness his time as Mayor of Jerusalem:

"In hindsight, it was a much better place to work – I spent years accumulating wealth and influence at the public expense and I never heard a thing. In fact one year I didn't even set foot in Jerusalem and the City Comptroller, who happens to be my niece, never said a word to me about it!"
"She's such a nice kid" said Olmert, reminiscing "She has the Olmert genes alright – she knows when to speak and when to shut up, when to steal from the public and when to make empty promises. Like King Solomon said: " To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven". Such a wise man! I bet he didn't have any stupid Comptroller breathing down his neck, eh?" said Olmert who expressed his shock and dismay at the treatment he has received lately:
"Now, the minute I become Prime minister, all hell breaks loose – suddenly I'm accused of everything from cradle snatching to money laundering to jaywalking. I mean – what is this country coming to, if indecent people like me can’t make a living anymore? How can we expect the younger generation to want to live here and raise a family when they see how difficult it is to get a free ride in this country without being harassed day and night by people like Lindenstrauss? "
"This kind of righteous, public-minded, honest behavior must stop, and I plan to make it a top priority of my administration." Said Olmert who has already ordered a complete and thorough investigation of the Comptrollers actions, promising: "I will not rest until I make this country safe for selfish, corrupt, incompetent politicians like my cronies and myself"

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Only In Israel - Cars With Blinkers To Be Phased Out By 2010

Minister of Transport, Mofaz: signaling is a waste of time and money, country will save millions.

ISL – Jerusalem
Israel does it again. Known world-wide for it's technological innovations, Israel is now introducing the world to a new concept – driving without signaling.
"All we are doing is recognizing a well known fact that Israeli drivers – me included, by the way – manage quite well without signaling." says Mofaz "In fact, our studies have shown that over ninety percent of Israeli drivers have no idea that the blinkers exist. I myself always thought that they were there for decorative purposes" admitted Mofaz.
According to the study, Israeli drivers prefer honking, or shouting at each other instead of the more traditional blinking: "This road behavior is quite understandable" says MOT chief psychologist, Dr. Dikaon "We are a friendly people and like to communicate with each other vocally. Signaling is considered too low key for the average Israeli. All we have to do is recognize this fact and adapt the law accordingly."
"Exactly" continued Mofaz

"Instead of installing blinkers which nobody uses anyway, we will install much louder horns as well as a 500 watt speaker system in every car. This way, drivers will be able to communicate more effectively with each other, and no doubt the number and fatality of car accidents will drop down dramatically. All we needed is a way to let people really talk to each other"

Mofaz says that he learned how to think out of the box while serving under consecutive Prime Ministers - Netanyahu, Barak and Sharon: "Under Netanyahu I gave weapons to our enemies, under Barak I pulled out of Lebanon over night and left our weapons to the enemy, and under Sharon I had to leave our enemies with training areas and launching pads, so I have a lot of experience in this sort of creative, ad hoc thinking. I have no doubt that I can be no less effective then they were, even while operating in such a miserable ministry." Said Mofaz

The Minister also revealed plans for the future: " If this works out as well as we expect, then we will get rid of a few more outdated traffic regulations such as "stopping at red lights" and "right of way".
"These rigid regulations which may have served a purpose in the past, have become obsolete." explained Mofaz. " They are no more than annoying obstacles in the path of the Israeli driver who manages quite well without being told what to do every minute. Is it any wonder there are so many traffic accidents with all these distractions?" concluded Mofaz.
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Monday, May 14, 2007

Peter Principle Becomes Law of the Land in Israel

More Winograd fallout: Knesset ratifies proposal to reward incompetence in public service, and punish success.

ISL - Jerusalem
In a move seen by many as a reaction to the Winograd Report, Knesset members voted yesterday to ratify a new law rewarding incompetence in government service, while punishing proven ability. The law was named after the well-known Peter Principle which states: "In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence". New coalition whip and Kadima MK Tzachi HaNegbi explained to ISL correspondent the urgent need to incorporate into law this naturally occurring phenomenon:

ISL: The coalition is fighting for it's life, Olmert is barely holding on as PM, Israel faces a period of learning and readjustment before the next inevitable war – and yet you made time to push this new law which will, basically, make things even worse and the question is – why did you do it?

HaNegbi: You may recall that Olmert promised to study the report and correct all the mistakes, and that's what we have begun to do. The Peter Principle Law is the first in a line of laws that are intended to make sure that we will never again have to face another Winograd Commission
ISL: But Winograd pointed out that all the Ministers were incompetent to a disastrous degree – it seems that the new law will just make thing even worse.
HaNegbi: On the contrary – it will make things a lot better – for the government. Next time anyone blames us of incompetence we will have the law on our side – we will be able to say: "We had to be incompetent – it's the law!"
ISL: Well, sure but wasn't the main lesson to be learned from the war that the government must improve and become better, not worse?
HaNegbi: That's easy for you to say. But most ministers just don't feel comfortable with all the criticism and expectations aimed at them. This way they can all continue in office, secure in the knowledge that no matter how bad they do – it's not their fault.
ISL: So you're saying that if the ministers will be freed from the pressure to perform competently they will actually fulfill their duties capably?
HaNegbi: Not at all. For one thing, none of them give a damn, and besides, they are terrible administrators and they know it and so does everybody else – haven't you read the Winograd Report?
ISL: Well yes, but then what's the point?
HaNegbi: The point is this: competence is a curse. Every competent minister in government, every able officer in the Army, every capable civil servant make us all look bad, and that is what we must stop before it's too late.
ISL: Too late for what?
HaNegbi: Too late to get re-elected of course.
ISL: But how can you stop competence? Seems quite impossible to me.
HaNegbi: Not at all. The law will set benchmarks for incompetence, and in all government bureaucracies only those who achieve the desired level of incompetence will be promoted. The rest will be demoted or laid off. That way, by the next elections Olmert will look like a brilliant leader and people will remember the Peretz Era as a time of security, military might and decisiveness. The important thing is that we get rid of the expectation of competence. After that, the sky is the limit – we will be able to misrule for years to come!!
ISL: You know, that sounds quite ingenious. Hardly the work of an incompetent member of parliament.
HaNegbi: Thank you. I do my best.
ISL: I thought you weren't allowed to do your best any more.
HaNegbi: Well, of course not. To be frank, I did a pretty bad job.
ISL: Doesn't look like that to me.
HaNegbi: No really, lot's of loopholes in the law, careless wording, and it barely passed. It was an all around hatchet job by me.
ISL: I disagree, and I am sure that others will agree with me. You are an excellent coalition leader and a fine lawmaker.
HaNegbi: Please, I hope you're not going to write any of this on your blog.
ISL: I don't know. I wouldn't want to flout the law. After all it is now my civic duty to report competence in my government. As a loyal citizen, one who cares deeply about my country, I really have no choice.
HaNegbi: This could ruin me. I know I can do worse. Much much worse. You have no idea how useless I can be. I swear, I truly am a worthless, bungling idiot. Just please, I beg you, give me another chance….

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

Head of Settler Terrorist Cell Nabbed in Hebron

Israeli security forces capture Josh Greenbaum, 6 year old fanatic from Hebron.

ISL - Hebron
In what is considered a major coup for Israeli Counter-Terrorist efforts, Security Forces managed to pinpoint and capture the vicious leader of "The worst Jewish terrorist cell this country has ever seen" said spokesman for DM Peretz who expects further arrests to be made in the next few days.
Security forces in the Hebron area have been searching for years for the mysterious and charismatic head of the settler terrorist cell that imposed it's will and terrorized the Arab population for the past two years. All attempts to discover his identity had been foiled, even after all the male adult Jewish residents of Hebron had been arrested just to be on the safe side : "Little did we know then that the real leader was not even in kindergarten at the time" said head of Israel's Security Agency who admitted that the new settler tactic of using toddlers to overthrow the secular Israeli government and takeover the country as a prelude to conquering the Middle-East had his experts confused at first: "Once again we fell into the trap of believing in our own pre-conception that 3 or four year olds cannot be involved in complex terrorist operations, much less initiate and lead them."
The settler terrorist cell is considered responsible for numerous attacks against the Arab population in Hebron over the past two years. Captured leader, 6 year old Josh Greenbaum has been indicted on several counts of terrorist activity including:

Attempted murder – Several incidents involving throwing wrappers of ice cream cones in the street which witnesses described as "littering with intent to kill an Arab who could have slipped and broken his neck"
Rape of a Minority Woman (two counts) – Two recorded incidents of pushing an Arab girl in line to the slides in Hebron Municipal Park, and many more rumored but un-recorded attempts.
Muslim Human Rights Abuse (numerous counts) – Praying in Hebrew next to group of innocent Arab bystanders and wearing a Kippah in public
Assault and Battery (dozen counts) - Begging innocent Arab snipers to stop aiming at his house and family
Breach of Peace (three counts) - Bleeding and crying in public park after being hit by stones thrown by Arab youths , and finally
Resisting Arrest – Kicking and crying and refusing to leave mommy and go with the policemen who came to arrest him.

Israel's Attorney General has already declared that the state "will throw the book at Josh" in an attempt to "teach the settlers a lesson they will never forget", and that his office will demand the maximum penalty available for such heinous crimes: "We must make sure that such a menace does not roam our streets again" said the DA who is considering asking the government to reinstate the death penalty.

Josh Greenbaum himself was not available for comment, having suffered severe wounds after falling down the stairs in Hebron's one story police headquarters. Greenbaum is currently in the hospital suffering from a ruptured spleen, two broken arms and a torn kidney, besides numerous bruises and cuts and a mild head concussion. Hospital officials admitted that this was "The worst case of falling down from a ground floor that we have ever seen."
Meanwhile, the Arab residents of Hebron took to the streets to celebrate their newfound freedom. Three Jews were killed in the spontaneous outburst of joy and dozens wounded. Several spiteful Jews who tried to interfere with the celebrations were arrested by the Hebron Police.

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Thursday, May 10, 2007

Israel Foreign Ministry to Kill Israelis in New PR Campaign

ISL – Jerusalem
Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni issued a plea to all Israeli citizens to help Israel's PR efforts by getting killed.
Talking to the press, Livni said that Israel is losing the PR war because not enough Israelis are dying: " Tragic deaths, whole families obliterated, children trapped in bombed houses screaming and burning to death – those are the kind of materials that can push Israel over the top and really sway public opinion in our favor." said Livni who also revealed more sophisticated plans:
"Our marketing research has indicated that only obviously painful misery can sway world opinion to our side, so after some brainstorming we came up with several PR initiatives intended to inflict a decisive blow to our enemies." said Livni who elaborated:

"For instance, we suggest a bombing campaign so hideous it will pale in comparison to past waves of terror. This time", said the enthusiastic Livni, "We will systematically target public opinion strategic sites such as nurseries, school buses, and hospitals. With the help of the police and the IDF we will be in an ideal place to effectively coordinate lethal attacks and broadcast them live to the whole world, proving once and for all how viscous and cruel our enemies are and how justified we are in retaliating against them."
Livni said that if the first PR campaign will succeed than others will follow:
"For instance we plan to disengage from other areas, just so that the world will see how much we are suffering. This time we will randomly choose some place, perhaps a settlement or maybe even a small city, and kick people out with no advance notice – the wailing and crying and sheer authentic suffering will be undeniable, and so we will force the world to acknowledge the integrity and sheer morality of our courageous stand against a cruel and heartless enemy who will stop at nothing."

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Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Barak Threatens To Make Up His Mind , Olmert Not Panicking

ISL – Jerusalem

Former Israeli PM, Ehud Barak issued a final ultimatum to Olmert, following the Winograd report. Talking to reporters, Barak said that unless Olmert resigns immediately, he, Ehud Barak, will decide once and for all where he stands on the issue: " I have made up my mind" Barak informed reporters " to make up my mind"
"This making up of my mind will occur soon, much sooner than anyone expects" threatened Barak " and when it does, it will be a decisive maneuver, worthy of my vast intellectual abilities and coldly efficient logic."
"I will make up my mind so good, so effectively, so mindfully " said Barak " It will blow his mind away " added Barak, alluding apparently to Olmert .
"No one makes up his mind better than I do which is why I do it so seldom " added the Israeli Napoleon who confessed: " I just don't want to seem cocky or arrogant. I don't want to overwhelm people with my lightning quick reactions to complicated , multi-faceted incoming data, which I can process faster than you can say "Camp David", but now – now I'm pissed." said Barak, becoming angry " Now I'm really getting mad, and I swear – I will decide, and Olmert will rue the day that I decided to decide, because when I decide, by God, that's what I do – I decide! And woe be to all those who dare to un-decide me! Those intellectual weaklings who cannot imagine the infinite calculations, the millions of permutations necessary to make such a bold, once in a lifetime choice between, essentially, two things – to decide or not to decide? How can one decide? On the one hand we have a decision to make, and on the other hand - no decision, which in reality is just another decision, disguised as indecision!! So first, we must decide if to decide to decide or, on the other hand – not to decide to not to decide." rambled Barak mumbling more to himself than to the bemused reporters:

"As an accomplished chess player, I can tell you that such a decision, right now at the beginning of this intricate political mind game between me and Olmert has the ability to affect the outcome of the whole match. So it must be weighed carefully – yes, very, very carefully. It is not an easy decision to make - after all the well fare of the country rests upon this decision. One wrong step now, one false move will ruin everything I have worked for my whole life. So ultimately, like Hamlet, I ask myself – to decide or not to decide?" Barak paused and then answered himself: "Frankly, I'm not sure. I think I have to think about it – and that's definite!!" concluded Barak, once again taking the longest possible way between two points of utter insignificance.

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Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Peres Stuns Israel, Says: "I am Willing To Become Prime Minister"

Astonished Israelis Ask: Peres is still alive?

ISL – Jerusalem
Long time member of Knesset Shimon Peres stunned Israel today when he declared his willingness to become prime minister in place of the beleaguered Olmert. Throughout his years of quiet service to the country he loves, Peres has become well known for refusing any kind of publicity or any job that entails perks furnished by public funds such as free, prolonged, extensive travels to foreign countries.
Peres has steadfastly refused positions of power in past Israeli governments, preferring to work silently in the shadows of others in order to further his vision of a just and humane society. In his endless years of toil for the public, Peres has led the fight on poverty, raising the issue fearlessly. He has fought for the rights of persons with disabilities, for Ethiopian immigrants and many other small, neglected and disenfranchised groups that through Peres found a way to reach the public conscious. Peres always refused to kowtow to the powerful economic and political conglomerates that rule Israel, or to prevailing public opinion, always preferring to cater to the simple needs of the proverbial "man on the street" while shunning the publicity accorded to political fads such as "Peace Talks" and "The New Middle East". In fact Peres fought bitterly against them saying: "With the money Israel has spent on pointless peace initiatives, we could have solved long standing problems such as poverty, unemployment and traffic accidents in Israel".

In a press conference in Jerusalem,Peres talked to awe struck reporters, most of whom had heard of Peres only in rumors: "You all know me as a quiet and reserved politician" said the ancient Peres "but I have decided now to come out of the shadows and finally expose my self to the Israeli public, solely for the good of the country."
" You know me " said Peres: " I did not ask for it, I do not want it, but for the good of the country – I will take it upon myself"
Peres said that he would wait till Olmert stepped down: "Backstabbing and behind the back , shifty political maneuvers are not my style" said Peres.
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Monday, May 7, 2007

Moderate Fatah Terrorists Seriously Wound Israeli Security Guard

President Abbas promises investigation, apologizes for bungling assassination.

ISL – Jerusalem
President Abbas issued a sincere apology to Israel after an unknown number of Fatah terrorists seriously wounded an Israeli security guard: "As everyone knows we pride ourselves on being a moderate terrorist organization. Our only aim is to kill or wound Israelis in as moderate a manner as possible. I am sure that this shooting which has left the security guard seriously wounded was a mistake on our part. I accept full responsibility for this failure and I have promised PM Olmert to investigate why the murder attempt failed so miserably, causing much anguish to all sides concerned. I also promise that those responsible will be brought to account and will not be given a second chance to ruin the Fatah's good reputation."

The PM's office issued a statement accepting the apology: "We are completely satisfied with the sincerity of the apology – after all, terrorists are human beings too and like all of us they make mistakes. We trust Abbas will take the necessary steps to ensure that such errors do not happen again."
No word yet from the wounded security guard, although we suspect he might see things quite differently…
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Sunday, May 6, 2007

Livni To ISL: "I'm Proud To Be A Wimp!"

In an exclusive interview to ISL, Israeli Foreign minister, Livni, tells all – where she learned her negotiation skills, her plans for the future, and what really happened in her confrontation with Olmert.

ISL: We are so glad to have you here with us in our Jerusalem studio.
Livni: How's my hair? Is it still blond? You know, I'm not a natural blond. I just color it that way. My PR guy says that it makes me more attractive.
ISL: I'm sure it does. Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder as they say, and…
Livni: The thing is, this weather really messes it up. Do you mind turning up the air-conditioning? It feels like a sauna in here.
ISL: Well, you know we're still getting off the ground here so it's not installed yet. Why don't you have a nice cold soft drink instead?
Livni (pouting): Well, all right. (Takes a sip). Hey, it's not cold at all!
ISL: yes, well, the fridge hasn't got here either.
Livni: I hear you. It took them hours to get a barber's chair and rinse bowl installed in my office in the Foreign Ministry. You would not believe the incompetence of these foreign workers.
ISL: Really? I thought only Israelis were allowed to work there.
Livni: Well, they might have been Israeli. I was probably too busy to notice.
ISL: Yes, you are a busy woman aren't you? Why don't we talk about that? For instance – what really happened between you and Olmert? Did you really threaten to resign?

Livni: Absolutely. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he does not do the right thing, that I will consider my position in the most serious manner possible.
ISL: Wow. That sounds quite harsh. Do you remember what terms you used exactly?
Livni: Of course. I told him that the Winograd report is very serious and that I am considering it very seriously as are many other people. I told him that he should consider it very seriously too.
ISL: And what did he have to say?
Livni: Oh, he capitulated almost immediately! He just couldn't face the logic of my position.
ISL: What did he say? Did he make any promises?
Livni: Of course! You don't imagine that I would come out empty handed from such a crucial meeting, on such an important issue!
ISL: So?
Livni: Well, he took my hand in his, looked me straight in the eyes and said: "Tzipi, you are absolutely right. I respect your position and I will consider it with all the seriousness it merits." So you see, I got what I wanted. I always do.
ISL: Yes, I see. Where did you acquire such formidable negotiation skills?
Livni: "Acquire?" Now, why does that word sound familiar?
ISL: Excuse me for being so unclear. Let me rephrase – where did you learn to be such a tough cookie?
Livni: Well, every foreign minister has to go through a refresher course in negotiations and foreign policy, and so did I. It's a very good program.
ISL: Yes. I can tell. One can only imagine what success you have met with in other areas.
Livni: Well, I haven't been given much a chance to use my skills yet. I did negotiate the agreement that ended the war though. That was fun.
ISL: Of course it did not exactly work out as planned, did it?
Livni: What, you mean because Hizbullah is rearming? Who cares about that? The important thing is that our soldiers are back home.
ISL: Except for those that were kidnapped. You do recall that they were the reason the war started in the first place.
Livni: Well, I guess so. Every war starts because of something. I'm just glad that I could help end a war – that's what we are here for. They have a saying in the Foreign Office: "Dignified surrender is better than ignominious defeat !"
ISL: I suppose that is one way to run a country.
Livni: It's the only way! How else could I be so successful? Do you think I am getting so much praise from the Europeans just because I look so good?
ISL: Of course not. Truly, I lack the words to adequately describe your diplomatic achievements. Will you forgive me for this lapse?
Livni: Of course. You are not the first one to be held speechless by my accomplishments.
ISL: I can well imagine. So, what are your plans for the future?
Livni: I feel that I am ready for bigger things – I want to negotiate a peace agreement with the Palestinians, and after that – the sky is the limit!
ISL: Why do you think you would succeed where everyone else has failed?
Livni: Well. For one thing, like you said, I am a skilled negotiator. Besides that, I have the original, compassionate, flexible view of a woman. I can just see Abbas and myself strolling along the beach in Gaza, discussing affairs of state, slowly reaching a mutual, personal understanding that will bring us, I mean , our peoples together – finally. After our first meeting, we will continue to negotiate secretly in Scandinavian countries. Within months we will reach an agreement – we will give his people enough arms and ammunition to overcome the resistance of the fanatics who oppose his moderate views. He will stop the terror, and in return we will give him Gaza and Ramallah - for starters - and as things progress we will withdraw from the whole Gaza Strip and West Bank, and everybody will live happily ever after . It's so simple, I wonder how no one has thought of it before.
ISL: Probably like you said – only an original thinker with a mind like a steel trap could think up such an unlikely scenario.
Livni: (sighs) Yes. I really am special aren't I?
ISL: You most certainly are. Thank you for agreeing to talk with us. We had a most unsettling time.
Livni: Funny you mention it - I don't like settlers either. No wonder we got along so well!

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Thursday, May 3, 2007

Olmert after Winograd: "Our Strength Is In Our Ineptitude"

Kadima Mks rally behind PM: "We Are All Failures, But No One Fails Better Than Olmert"

ISL – Tel-Aviv
In a touching show of support and solidarity with their beleaguered Prime Minister, Kadima Mks and party members came out in full force yesterday evening at party headquarters in Tel-Aviv. More then fifty people swarmed the 4 bedroom apartment of veteran Kadima supporter, the overwhelmed Aaron Levine who said, with tears of emotion streaming from his face: "I have been a member of this party for over two months and I cannot recall such a large gathering, and so much enthusiasm."
Olmert himself arrived and opened the festivities. After helping himself to a free soft drink and some cookies (not forgetting to discreetly put some in his pockets "for later" as he put it), he addressed the passionate crowd, speaking first of the recent Winograd affair.
Olmert talked about the difficulties of his position, the many different issues which rise up each day:

"How am I supposed to know and decide stuff about transportation, as well as security and health and taxes? I mean one minute it is a student strike the next, a Kassam strike – it's just so overwhelming" admitted Olmert, while his colleagues on the small, raised stage nodded in agreement. However, Olmert did not take sole credit for his failings, telling the sympathetic crowd: 'My failure is your failure – I could not have done it without your continued support. In fact, without it I doubt that I could continue to do my job so poorly " Olmert confessed. As he no doubt expected, his words raised the devotion and excitement of his supporters to a new level. The room filled with cries: "Olmert we love you" and "Olmert King of Israel". Some clapping started but was quickly hushed by Aaron ("Because of the neighbors").
Olmert continued to laud his colleagues in the Knesset all of whom he commended for their incompetence: "These are the kind of people that a person can go to battle with – people I can trust to be even more ineffectual than I am" said Olmert, praising especially Foreign Minister Livni who giggled and blushed in her chagrin, as well as Mofaz and Shitrit. Olmert ended his speech with a guarantee: "I promise to all of you to remain in office; I promise that we will once again experience the sweet taste of complete and utter failure. But next time, I promise you, next time my failure - which is your failure - will be spectacular, a failure that will be unheard of in its scope and daring, a trailblazing failure, a failure that will make you proud!!"
At this point ISL correspondent , who is a sensitive guy, broke down and joined the clapping and crying and dancing that ensued (but mainly the crying), following the age old dictum – if you can't beat them – join them. Although sadly, he did not even get to eat any burekas, which were guzzled down quickly by the much hungrier (and pushy) Kadima MKs.
So, like the rest of the Israeli people, he went to Kadima and was left with crumbs.

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Olmert and Peretz Respond To Winograd: It's Not Our Fault We Are Clueless

ISL – Jerusalem
In A defiant response to the harsh criticism directed at his government as well as himself by the Winograd committee, Olmert said that he is prepared to stay in office for many more years in order to correct his mistakes: "Until I get it right" . Olmert also said that the lions share of the blame for the Lebanon Fiasco must be placed at the feet of the Israeli public who chose such incompetent leaders in the first place: "We made no secret of our ineptness, our selfishness and our corruptibility" said Olmert to reporters, "therefore our misconduct of the war is in complete accord with our promises to the Israeli people. We did nothing wrong."
Upon further questioning Olmert admitted some of his failures: "It is true that I am a flawed man. I am a congenital liar, a fraudulent and pompous fool who has always used the public office for my own private ends and will continue to do so, unless given a chance to correct my mistakes. I am sure that in just a few more years I can become a much better Prime minister " added Olmert " After all, practice makes perfect – a few more wars and I'm sure that I'll get it right."
Defense minister Peretz denied any wrongdoing as well: "All I know is, I came to work everyday, shuffled around a few papers, had some meetings, drank tea and let my secretary answer the phones and deal with urgent stuff. This is what I always did in the Histadrut and it worked out fine for me year after year" said Peretz

"I just don't understand what people want from me now. I did nothing wrong. I couldn't have done anything wrong since I made it a central point of my career to do nothing consistently and competently. How else do you think I rose to be the head of the Workers Union? It's not as easy as it looks " admonished Peretz. "Now, obviously, if I never actually did anything while in office – how can I now be blamed for anything? I am sure if something went wrong it is not my fault ' said Peretz "But rather the fault of one of my underlings. I know this is so because that's the way it always is. Why do we need to change things all of a sudden? " asked a mellow Peretz, who turned to reminiscing: "When I was in the Histadrut and the shit hit the fan we'd just fire the least likeable person around and get on with our work of doing nothing inefficiently as possible. It worked for me there and I do not understand why it shouldn't it work for me now."
Former Chief of Staff Halutz was too busy selling stock to answer our questions.
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