Monday, July 23, 2007

Bush Announces "Is Israel Too Stupid to Survive?" Conference

Conference called after release of terrorists by Israeli government. International panel to hear dozens of scientific reports, results said to be "disturbing".

ISL – Washington
Bush announced yesterday a new Middle East international conference which, for the first time in decades, will not be concerned directly with achieving peace but rather with a much more vague and difficult subject : "Is Israel Really Too Stupid to Survive?"
This issue has been raised over the past years by many foreign observers as well as some Israelis but interest has reached a peak since Olmert became Israeli Prime minister whose governments behavior has raised much speculation and, finally, much scientific research.
This research, conducted by dozens of teams all over the world will be presented to the President of the United States who is considering the value of an alliance with a regime so stupid, it makes the common cockroach look good.
ISL, using its dozens of well-placed sources offers a preview of the research conducted by experts all over the world:

In China a team of researchers tried to compare the survival reactions of a group of randomly chosen Israelis to that of cockroaches, also randomly selected from the abundant supply. In the experiment, cockroaches were approached by their natural enemy – man, and the Israelis were approached by theirs – the Arab terrorist. Using delicate instruments, like their eyes, the Chinese scientists were able to record the following results – the cockroaches immediately ran away, while the Israelis approached the armed terrorists with smiles and offered them guns and ammunition.
The Results: in this experiment nine out of ten Israelis died and one was severely wounded while all the cockroaches managed to escape! The results were duplicated many times but still remain a mystery to Chinese researchers, who cannot believe that human beings lack the intelligence of insects.

In the world famous Israeli Weizman Institute of Science similar experiments were conducted. In one of them a group of secular Israelis was confronted with an armed terrorist. Their reactions were compared to that of a deer and separately a bear, faced with an armed hunter. A control group of Jewish settlers was also used.
The Results: the deer immediately ran away and the bear attacked the hunter who missed his shot and narrowly escaped death. The secular Israelis praised the terrorist's courage and ideology, and many were shot. Out of a group of twenty Israelis, ten were killed and five severely wounded. The remaining five who miraculously managed to escape, ran over to stop the settlers who attacked the armed terrorist, overwhelmed and killed him. Several settlers were wounded in the ensuing scuffle, refusing to defend themselves against their brethren.

In another ongoing experiment at the Weizman Institute, a group of rats were put in a specially constructed scientific contraption called
"The Oslo Maze", consisting of a bewildering labyrinth of lies with only two exits. The first had a false piece of cheese which emitted a delicious and alluring smell. But behind the false cheese a ravenous cat was lurking. The second exit did not have any cheese but also no cat and the mice who reached it were set free. A group of Israelis was placed in a similar maze also with two exits. The first had an irresistible but false sense of peace, behind which lurked a group of genocidal Arab terrorists. The other exit had no peace and also no death. Israeli who reached there were set free.
The Results: In the group of rats - two rats were killed before the rest of the group learned their lesson and retreated back into the maze. Eventually they found their way out through the second entrance and gained their freedom. The group of Israelis quickly made their way towards the false sense of peace and in the first rush many were killed by the terrorists. More Israelis were killed in the second, mad, senseless rush and even more in the third and the fourth. The Israelis that remain in the maze today are still trying to get out by the same exit. None of them have made any attempt to retreat back into the maze and find a different exit and it seems they are doomed, unable to detach themselves from the fantastic smell of false peace, even when it costs them their very lives.

And the list goes on and on – the Israelis compared unfavorably with ants, ostriches and chickens, as well as any other group of human beings. The results are clear and yet numerous questions remain unanswered such as: Will stupidity be the downfall of the renewed Jewish state? How were the Jews smart enough to survive thousands of years, re-establish a state against all odds, and yet, seem too stupid to sustain it? Is this stupidity genetic or environmental? Does it spread from the head (Olmert) down or vice versa? Will the next generation be just as dumb or dumber? Will we never, ever, ever, ever learn for heaven's sake?

Yes, I'm still ranting about this.

Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

No comments: