Sunday, July 8, 2007

Hamas Begins "No Child Left Alive" Educational Program

Modeled after the successful American program "No Child Left Behind" , the new plan aims to increase standards of weapon training in public education, provide parents more flexibility in choosing their terrorist school and promote an increased focus on incitement against Jews.
ISL – Gaza
Hamas Education Minister, Dr. Ahmad Walid, announced today at a press conference a new, revolutionary program aimed to invigorate Palestinian education, raise the level of military training for all Palestinian children while also maintaining and even raising standards of achievement,as measured by murders per child.
Dr. Walid said that the situation under the previously corrupt Fatah rule had become unconscionable: " In my recent tour of schools in Gaza, I have seen many children who have received no weapons training, despite being already ten years old! I have seen angry young men who cannot get a job because no one taught them how to kill a man with their bare hands, or successfully lie to Western reporters! I have seen

mad,frustrated children who desperately want to shoot infidels, and yet, because of the corrupt Fatah regime, lack both the knowledge and the means necessary to do so!

"It is the aim of our government to put a stop to this educational disaster. Our aim is that all Palestinian children will receive the best education possible – for free! We will provide the best military training, the best combat instructors, the best terrorist propaganda material, the best incitement program delivered to our children with the best, most modern means available. Our aim is that every Palestinian child will have an equal chance to succeed in death. We wish to put an end to inequality, and to bigotry – we sincerely believe that every child, no matter how under-privileged, no matter how far behind, can become good at killing and dying. In our program we not only promise not to leave any child behind– we promise not to leave any child alive!"
Hundreds of parents applauded the minister and praised Allah for giving them renewed hope in an otherwise bleak, poverty-stricken life. For instance Saida Imam, mother of seven children said that she is delighted: "For years we had to watch the rich Fatah kids get all the guns and ammunition and go off to kill Israelis, while we didn’t have the money or the "connections" to get the proper training. My children would cry that they are still alive and I would burn with shame that they could not go and get killed for Palestine," said the defiant mother, "but now we have hope! All the poor, destitute people have hope because of Hamas, they do not care if you are rich or poor, or well-connected or not. They will always give you an equal opportunity to die and that is really all any decent citizen can ask for – a fair shake at killing Jews and dying for Palestine."

ISL comments: Dr Walid himself has been educated in the Palestinian public school system, graduating from Bir-Ziet University in 1995 with a degree in educational psychology. Based on years of field work in Gaza and the West Bank, he published several books on education most notably the well-received parent's guide: "The Problem Child: What to Do When Your Child Doesn't Want to Die". His articles are published frequently in professional publications such as "The Pedagogical Terrorist" and "Nurturing Hatred".

Inspired by an article from Jpost via The Camera Blog.
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter


Anonymous said...

Bush's 'no child left behind' program is not a success, and neither is this satire.
Most decent people hope that the children of Gaza can get taught basics now that Israel has released withheld taxes . And surely they soon will withdraw tanks and slow down air strikes.

Anonymous said...

It is very difficult to satire Palestinian reality which is beyond belief, so you really should give me some leeway here.
Anyway, it appears that Palestinian kids are not being taught "the basics" (or did you mean "basic training"?)not now and not in the future - regardless of how much many they get from Israel.
You can read the latest report on Palestinian schoolbooks here: