Sunday, July 22, 2007

Israeli Government Offers New Grotesque Lottery to Jewish Citizens

(Warning: This is gruesome and not for the weak hearted!! I'm in a foul mood!)

Upon releasing nearly two hundred convicted terrorists, Israel renews the "Death Lottery", Israeli citizens excited, prizes galore, Israeli Arab human rights NGO protests.

ISL – Jerusalem
The highly unpopular Israeli government made its first steps in rehabilitating its tarnished image by "giving the people what they want: fun and games," said the newly installed Secretary to the Prime Minister, Ovad Yehezkel.
In this game which has been initiated by various Israeli governments in the past decade and a half, Israeli citizens participate in a so-called "Death Lottery" in which every Jewish citizen has an equal chance to get killed or maimed for life by an experienced Arab terrorist, released, armed and trained by the Israeli government, and also win great prizes such as being honored as a victim of terror on Remembrance Day, receiving a monthly disability stipend amounting to almost one thousand shekels (220$, before taxes), a choice cemetery plot at a fifty percent discount, free hospital treatment for wounds received in the lottery including years of free rehabilitation and more!
"No other government offers its citizens the excitement and sheer insanity of the unknown like we do," said Mr. Yehezkel,


"and the beauty is that participation is free and not limited to age – even a seven year old can win!"
Mr. Yehezkel also assured Israeli citizens that the government spared no effort in choosing and releasing only the best, most accomplished terrorists in order to ensure the success of the lottery, "this way lots of people will have the chance to win," said the Secretary, "and no one will be disappointed."

Upon hearing the good news ISL reporters immediately pounded the streets of Jerusalem searching for the down to earth, real-time reaction of Israeli citizens. Here is what some of them had to say:

Rivka a somewhat overly excited student from Rehavia:
"I can't wait to get shot at! Just imagine – my name mentioned in a formal government ceremony! Its so exciting! You know, a friend of mine got blown up in a bus a few years ago – she's so happy! It changed her life completely, she used to dance and go on hiking trips and she dreamed of being a tour guide, and now she gets to sit all day in a wheelchair! Does it get any better than that?"


Shlomo, a clerk said:
"I think this is a great idea. The excitement and tension can already be felt. It keeps us on our toes – we wonder will we get blown up now, riding this bus? Will it happen in a restaurant? Will I die or become a cripple? This helps up take our minds off of life's small nuisances that sometimes annoy us so much, such as "Did the light turn red?" or "Did I forget to pick up the kids?" and trivial stuff like that. This way we know that none of these things really matter."


Meanwhile Adallah, the principle Arab human rights organization in Israel, vowed to challenge the new lottery in court in view of its blatant discrimination against Israel's Arab citizens, " this time the racism inherent in the State of Israel cannot be denied," said spokesman for the NGO, Mr. Dabil, "we demand equal rights for Arab citizens, including the right to this lottery and all the great prizes it offers! It is an outrage that Arabs have again been excluded!" screamed Mr. Dabil who added that he will not rest until Arab Israelis are treated just like Jews are, "and even better! We believe the lottery should be fixed so that Arabs have an even better chance of winning to make up for all the years of discrimination!"

Am I crazy bitter about this and this? You bet I am. And I'm getting it all out of my system right now. Here's another take: Bush Announces "Is Israel Too Stupid to Survive?" Conference.


Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

No comments:

Recent Posts


Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner