Monday, July 9, 2007

Israeli Government to Sell Its Jewishness for War on Terror

Crafty Jewish maneuver befuddles anti-Semites world-wide.

ISL – Jerusalem
For decades the Israeli government has sought ways to combat Palestinian terrorism in an effective manner. Despite possessing a clear military advantage, Israel always seemed to end up defeated in the realm of public opinion where pictures of Israeli attacks on innocent Palestinian terrorists have turned world opinion against us, as witnessed in the Second Lebanon War.
However, now, due to a brilliant Halachic discovery, Israel's troubles may be over. According to leading rabbinical authorities it is possible for the Israeli Government to sell its Jewishness to a gentile government just for the duration of the military operation. This way, the government itself and all its operative branches, all judges and soldiers for instance, will be non-Jewish while combating genocidal Islamic terrorism and therefore, hopefully, they will be allowed to operate without the special scrutiny accorded by the media to people who are not Muslim, European, Asian, Latin, or African.
First reports indicate that



this original tactic has had the desired results.
After the government sold its Jewishness to Micronesia, a field test was undertaken last week in Gaza. Israeli forces carpet bombed the village of Beit-Hanoun, the launching site for most of the mortars aimed at Sderot, and the village along with all its inhabitants was annihilated with no casualties suffered by Israeli forces. Foreign media representatives who were brought in to oversee and document the operation displayed indifference, while others were confused:
"But are they Jewish or aren't they, that's what I want to know," complained BBC correspondent Alan Booger who almost began taking pictures of the charred remains. But the Chief Army Rabbi swiftly intervened, clarifying that the soldiers and all the ordinance used in the attack were definitely, legally, non-Jewish, "And I have the certificate of sale to prove it," said the Rabbi passing around copies to the media.
After giving it a close examination even the knowledgeable and skeptic reporter from the New-York Times was convinced, stating that Non-Jews killing Arab civilians is a non-issue: "I'll get fired if I report such incidents," said the reporter, a sentiment greeted with quiet agreement.
"Me too. I say let's split" said the Reuters correspondent.
"No Jews- No News," said the head of the six man team sent by the Guardian.
"Well, if you don't care neither do I ," said the reporter from Haaretz, heading back to the bus and joining more than sixty media personnel who made the long way into the desert in search of a story that never materialized.

In other parts of the world reactions were similar. The U.S. State Department issued a statement attributing all violence in the area to the lack of U.S. special envoys, and vowing to send one as soon as the mysterious disappearance of the previous six envoys is cleared up.
The U.N Security council did not convene but the Human Rights Commission issued a non-specific condemnation of Israel out of force of habit.
Human Rights-For-Almost-Everybody-International said that it regrets the loss of innocent life, but that it also respects the customs of the region: "it is not for us to judge the morality of other people's age-old traditions," said director of Human Rights in the Middle-East Jean Paul Cahier.
The European Union said that it will immediately establish three expert panels and five larger member committees to discuss the possibility of conducting an in depth investigation into the alleged attack if all parties involved will agree to assist such an investigation and fully comply with its decisions. A five hundred page preliminary report is to be expected within the next five years.

Is The Israeli Government Definitely Jewish?
Although the first field test was judged to be a great success, giving great hope to harassed Israeli citizens, a new problem arose – to what extent can the current Israeli Government be considered Jewish?
According to Halacha, an Israeli government that is definitely Jewish can be temporarily sold to gentiles for the purpose of self-defense, on the principal of "Pikuach Nefesh". It is also clear cut that a non-Jewish Israeli government cannot be sold to gentiles. Finally, it is possible to sell a questionably Jewish government, just like it is possible and, perhaps, even recommended to sell "questionable chametz" to gentiles on Passover.
The question facing Israel's finest Rabbis now is this: what kind of government do we have – definitely Jewish, questionably Jewish or out and out Non-Jewish? And also, regardless - who would agree to buy such a gaggle of fools, even temporarily?
What do you think? Vote on the sidebar!


Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

No comments: