Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Israel Declares Emergency State as Number of Religious Officers in IDF Grows Alarmingly

ISL – Jerusalem
The Israel Government has declared a state of emergency after new statistics published in the Maariv daily by prominent reporter Ben Caspit revealed that the number of religious officers in the IDF has grown to almost fifty percent.
PM Olmert said in an interview for Israeli television that, "This is the worst day of my life. I feel that unless we take some immediate, drastic measures we will lose this country to the Zionists and everything my colleagues and I have worked for will go down the drain," Olmert said.
The cabinet, hastily convened by Olmert, quickly declared a State of Emergency in the country, mobilizing all available resources to combat this sinister takeover of the Israeli Army, the heart and core of our society, by alien, enemy agents with weird caps on their heads.
For starters, the editors-in-chief of Israel's secular media agreed to step up the incitement against religious Jews in general and Religious- Zionists in particular. Israel's Broadcast Authority will double the production of news and entertainment shows intended to demonize this vile sector:

"It will take some time to get this project off the ground" said IBA Director Avi Cohen, "so in the meantime we will buy more material from Palestinian Television and translate it into Hebrew. Hopefully, what works for them will also work for us".
Yulia Tamir the Minister of Education said that beginning this week all of Israel's children will enjoy one mandatory hour of "Social Awareness Education" titled "The Truth About the Settlers". The first episode will feature CNN's recent effort " God's Jewish Warriors€ " and "Peace Now" agreed to provide footage and documents for the rest of the program.
The Health Minister undertook to reinstate and update the notorious "Nut Crackers" scheme. Put together hastily by Rabin's orders while in a fit of rage , the goal of this plan was to neuter all male Zionist-Religious Jews in order to prevent exactly the kind of scenario that has developed now. Unfortunately, after Rabin's death the plan was shelved indefinitely and his foresight was lost upon his successors.

But, despite adopting these quick measures, Olmert and his cabinet realize that such measures may be good for the future but the problem at hand is too acute to ignore and must be dealt with immediately. ISL has learned that the solution agreed upon is the usual one – war.
"It's about time we had another war." said Olmert, "It will take the public's mind off the last one, and everybody will be so busy recovering from the horrible destruction that this war will bring that they won't have any time to give us a hard time. And as a bonus – we'll get most of those Religious-Zionist officers killed."

Meanwhile Meretz MK, Zehava Galon, called upon the government to resign, " This is a disgrace to Israel and proof positive that this government is part of the Judeo-Zionist conspiracy that somehow keeps this country afloat despite all our efforts to sink it," said Galon.
Olmert denied the charges saying that the situation has been in the making for decades, "These soldiers were born 18 years ago , but nobody, including Meretz, did anything about it. As usual, everybody waited until the last minute and now it just happens to be me who is in office," said Olmert in his own defense.
" I mean, where was Meretz when these boys were circumcised? Where was the outcry when the parents of these officers were educating them to be Jewish and love Israel and defend it? How come nobody did anything about it then?" Olmert asked, adding that, "my conclusion is that this is a massive, systematic failure of successive, delinquent Israeli governments over a period of two decades. A failure which will be investigated thoroughly and corrected just as soon as this terrible crisis is over," said Olmert, who feels that he is highly qualified to direct the reform of the system in view of his own educational success.

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Sunday, August 26, 2007

Israel to Decorate Troops Who Participated in Expulsion of Hebron Jews

ISL – Jerusalem
ISL has learned that the Minister of Defense, Ehud Barak has decided that the units who agreed to participate in the expulsion of two Jewish families from their homes in Hebron several weeks ago will be honored with a new decoration: "The Hadrian".
Barak explained that the Roman Emperor Hadrian was, "a great guy who knew how to deal with Jews and didn't take any nonsense from them, and that is exactly the kind of soldiers we need today".
"The Hadrian" is a small pin decorated with a roman eagle sitting on top of a ruined Jewish settlement. Deserving soldiers will be honored to wear it on their collars as a symbol of obedience, which, Barak stressed, is a very important ideal in Israel defense doctrine: "An army cannot function without obedience. If there is one thing we have learned from the Holocaust it is that soldiers must always obey orders without question. That is why the rebellious soldiers from the Duchifat unit have been dealt with immediately and in the harshest manner possible, and that is why the obedience of the majority of the participating forces must be rewarded."
"But," Barak explained,

"there is another reason for the reward. The biggest threat our soldiers face when approaching the mission of expelling Jews from their homes is the internal threat of compassion, empathy and brotherly love, not to mention common sense and fear of God." said Barak.
"These threats are tangible and they threaten to destroy from within the very essence of an Israeli defense force. It is not easy to kick people out of their homes. It is not pleasant to ruin a synagogue, beat up small children with steel clubs, trample unarmed citizens with horses – I know it is not easy but someone has to do the dirty work so that the rest of us can sleep at night, safe from the threat of Jews living in the homes of their forefathers," said Barak.
"Our hope is that by recognizing the sacrifice that these soldiers and policemen have made, namely, their conscience, we will encourage them and others to enlist and further participate in this defense mission which is of the highest importance to the future of our country: to secure us all from the threat of being reminded of our history, heritage and identity."

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Monday, August 20, 2007

10 Year Old Settler Girl Attacks Olmert Motorcade With Bare Hands

A few days ago I read about Olmert's motorcade hitting a little girl as she was crossing a green light. Somehow, it did not surprise me that Olmert would stoop to killing Israelis directly and it is probably only a matter of time until he actually stops the motorcade, gets out of the car and begins to throttle people with his own bare hands like a deranged Roman Emperor.
But what I really wondered was how this would be reported in one of Israel's rabidly anti-Semitic dailies if the girl happened to be a settler. If you're wondering too, here's my answer:

Bracha Levinger, a 10 year-old settler girl from Hebron attacked The Prime Minister's motorcade yesterday in Jerusalem causing severe damage to the fender of a GMC armored truck and delaying Olmert for nearly a minute.
Bracha Levinger is the granddaughter of the notoriously fanatical settler,Rabbi Moshe Levinger of Hebron, one of the founding fathers of the settler movement, who was sentenced in the past to three years in jail for racism and incitement to terror after openly declaring that "The Land of Israel is the land of the Jews".
Apparently, the apple did not fall far from the tree,

as Bracha was tempted to attack Olmert's convoy with her own bare hands, just one week after Olmert successfully evicted two Jewish families from their homes in Hebron. Bracha was immediately scooped up from the pavement and taken to interrogation to see if she had any accomplices and if further attempts on Olmert's life were planned.
Shabak investigators are optimistic and expect Bracha to break completely and tell all within the next forty eight hours: "She is currently hanging upside down, blindfolded, in a dark clammy cell. We alternate electric shocks with clubbing and whipping, stopping only to give the exhausted interrogators a rest," said one source, speaking anonymously. Our source added that this harsh interrogation regime, while seemingly inhuman, has actually been approved by the Supreme Court in cases of extreme right-wing danger to the state and has been applied in the past to similar cases of settler fanaticism with excellent results – they all died.
Meanwhile, a pale, shaken Olmert blamed the settler ideology for the attempt on his life and for using a little girl to achieve such a vile political aim. Olmert vowed to continue driving home and back in his motorcade, promising that he would not be intimidated by little settler girls pretending to cross the street.
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Sunday, August 12, 2007

Olmert Backs Off Plan to Establish State For Every Palestinian

After receiving much ridicule and criticism for the new plan, Olmert announced that the criteria for receiving Palestinian statehood will be revised. The new policy will reduce the number of expected new Palestinian states in the West Bank and Gaza from two million to a mere several hundred. This will be done by using the same criteria that guided the creation of the Oslo Accords:

1 - only groups that have vowed to destroy Israel and to kill all its Jews can be considered for statehood.

2 –each group's viability for statehood will be measured by the number of Jews attacked, killed or wounded within a specific time-frame. Olmert's aides have leaked that the entry bar will be set at 150 Jews killed, attacked or wounded per year . This number will be adjusted in negotiations with the Palestinians so that groups that sincerely want to destroy Israel but lack sufficient manpower or arms to do so will not be left out, which would only alienate them further.

3 – Palestinian individuals and groups who want to live peacefully with Israel, with or without a state of their own, will be completely ignored or deported or, preferably, murdered. Olmert explained that such groups do not pose a threat to Israel and therefore cannot be negotiated with: "Such radical Palestinians are a danger to the whole idea of the peace process and must be dealt with as harshly as possible," Olmert said. "They are as bad as the settlers and even worse."

Olmert hopes to compile a list of Palestinians groups who comply with these criteria and who are therefore viable for a lengthy, torturous, bloody peace process, culminating eventually in a Palestinian state on Jewish land, " because no other solution is possible, imaginable or even desired," said Olmert.

However, despite these adjustments,

military and political experts who dismissed the original plan as "too stupid to acknowledge" still insist that the plan is unrealistic since it assumes a limitless supply of live Jews: "One day there will be no Jews left to kill and therefore no Jewish state to negotiate with or to grant the Palestinians their statehood and then we will be back to square one – the Land of Israel will again become an unpopulated wasteland with a few thousand destitute Arabs," said Eli Cohen head of the right-wing Israeli think tank: "The Truth or What's Left of It".
Olmert's revised plan was also attacked by his Leftist colleagues who felt that Olmert was disrespecting Palestinian nationality: " Olmert's plan includes leaving the State of Israel intact which is a grave insult to the fragile Palestinian national identity," said Yossi Beilin the so called "architect" of the Oslo Accords. "If Olmert had a drop of human compassion in his heart, he would realize that the only way to end Palestinian suffering is to destroy Israel and kill all of its Jewish inhabitants," said Beilin who added, "Unfortunately, Olmert is an unfeeling brute."

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Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Olmert Announces Plan to Establish "United States of Palestine"

Olmert and Palestinian PM Abbas agree to establish dozens of Palestinian states to be united under one flag. Olmert: "The more Palestinians states there are, the more secure Israel will be."

ISL – Jericho

In a briefing following the mini-summit between the two prime-ministers, Olmert said that Israel must cater to the divided Palestinian nationality: "There is already one Palestinian state in Gaza, headed by Hamas, and another one in the West Bank headed by Abbas, but already there is pressure by other groups to be represented," said Olmert.
"The Islamic Jihad, which has a respectable following in Gaza has already declared its determination to achieve a Palestinian state led by its own people. So we may be seeing two Palestinian states in Gaza soon," continued the Israeli PM. "We will probably be hearing more from newer groups such as "Jaish Al-Islam" and "Jaish Al-Umma" who are only making their first steps into Palestinian Nationalism, and no doubt they too will want a Palestinian state of their own.
"In the West Bank there are many groups challenging Abbas for control and their need for a state of their own will have to be brought into account if we ever want to see an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict," said Olmert. "I am talking about the PRC, The Al-Aksa Brigades, the Tanzim, the DFLP, and PFLP, and the PIG, The Fatah Radicals, Sons of Fatah and the popular R&B group "The Fatah Blues" who are a really good band and also deserve a state of their own on Israeli land or at least a decent recording label," said Olmert.

Olmert also fielded questions from the reporters who were most eager to hear where all the Palestinian states will be situated considering that Gaza and the West Bank are no bigger than Brooklyn:

"No problem," said Olmert. "Abbas and myself agreed that, as every man knows, size doesn't matter. A state can be as large as Russia or as small as the Palestinian governmental compound in Ramallah. We can have a Palestinian state in Nablus and another one in Hebron, and so on. That is no problem. If need be we can even split each city and create smaller Palestinian states in each neighborhood, and maybe even, one day , every house in every city and village in the West Bank and Gaza will be a Palestinian State, thus realizing Peres' dream of "A State for every Palestinian". The important thing here is that Israel respect the political ambitions of the Palestinian nation," Olmert concluded.

Meanwhile, preparations for the new federation of states have begun in the Palestinian
(Fatah faction) Ministry of Culture and Education. Continuing the age old Palestinian tradition of unoriginal thought and plagiarism, the Ministry has decided to use the American "Pledge of Allegiance" as a model for its future citizens: "All we need is to change a few words and it will fit perfectly," said the Minister of Culture and Education, convicted murderer and rapist, Basam Abu Karaa.
ISL has learned that the text, which is still in final stages of copywriting, will look something like this:

"I Pledge allegiance to the flag,
Of the United States of Palestine,
And to the Chaos for which it stands:
One thousand Clans, under arms, indoctrinated,
With murder and mayhem for all.

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