Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Israel Declares Emergency State as Number of Religious Officers in IDF Grows Alarmingly

ISL – Jerusalem
The Israel Government has declared a state of emergency after new statistics published in the Maariv daily by prominent reporter Ben Caspit revealed that the number of religious officers in the IDF has grown to almost fifty percent.
PM Olmert said in an interview for Israeli television that, "This is the worst day of my life. I feel that unless we take some immediate, drastic measures we will lose this country to the Zionists and everything my colleagues and I have worked for will go down the drain," Olmert said.
The cabinet, hastily convened by Olmert, quickly declared a State of Emergency in the country, mobilizing all available resources to combat this sinister takeover of the Israeli Army, the heart and core of our society, by alien, enemy agents with weird caps on their heads.
For starters, the editors-in-chief of Israel's secular media agreed to step up the incitement against religious Jews in general and Religious- Zionists in particular. Israel's Broadcast Authority will double the production of news and entertainment shows intended to demonize this vile sector:

"It will take some time to get this project off the ground" said IBA Director Avi Cohen, "so in the meantime we will buy more material from Palestinian Television and translate it into Hebrew. Hopefully, what works for them will also work for us".
Yulia Tamir the Minister of Education said that beginning this week all of Israel's children will enjoy one mandatory hour of "Social Awareness Education" titled "The Truth About the Settlers". The first episode will feature CNN's recent effort " God's Jewish Warriors€ " and "Peace Now" agreed to provide footage and documents for the rest of the program.
The Health Minister undertook to reinstate and update the notorious "Nut Crackers" scheme. Put together hastily by Rabin's orders while in a fit of rage , the goal of this plan was to neuter all male Zionist-Religious Jews in order to prevent exactly the kind of scenario that has developed now. Unfortunately, after Rabin's death the plan was shelved indefinitely and his foresight was lost upon his successors.

But, despite adopting these quick measures, Olmert and his cabinet realize that such measures may be good for the future but the problem at hand is too acute to ignore and must be dealt with immediately. ISL has learned that the solution agreed upon is the usual one – war.
"It's about time we had another war." said Olmert, "It will take the public's mind off the last one, and everybody will be so busy recovering from the horrible destruction that this war will bring that they won't have any time to give us a hard time. And as a bonus – we'll get most of those Religious-Zionist officers killed."

Meanwhile Meretz MK, Zehava Galon, called upon the government to resign, " This is a disgrace to Israel and proof positive that this government is part of the Judeo-Zionist conspiracy that somehow keeps this country afloat despite all our efforts to sink it," said Galon.
Olmert denied the charges saying that the situation has been in the making for decades, "These soldiers were born 18 years ago , but nobody, including Meretz, did anything about it. As usual, everybody waited until the last minute and now it just happens to be me who is in office," said Olmert in his own defense.
" I mean, where was Meretz when these boys were circumcised? Where was the outcry when the parents of these officers were educating them to be Jewish and love Israel and defend it? How come nobody did anything about it then?" Olmert asked, adding that, "my conclusion is that this is a massive, systematic failure of successive, delinquent Israeli governments over a period of two decades. A failure which will be investigated thoroughly and corrected just as soon as this terrible crisis is over," said Olmert, who feels that he is highly qualified to direct the reform of the system in view of his own educational success.

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