Friday, September 28, 2007

Pardoned Terrorist Admits to "Crossing Fingers" When Signing Affidavit

ISL – Jerusalem
Israeli officials expressed shock and dismay upon the arrest of pardoned terrorist Fares Mansour, who was caught in possession of arms and ammunition and is suspected of participating in shooting attacks upon Jews. The wayward murderer had been pardoned in July after signing an affidavit promising to renounce terrorist acts, but apparently, he lied.

PM Olmert said that he is disappointed: "I would never have believed that a proud and unashamed murderer would turn to lying. Who would have thought that these people would stoop so low?"
The Honorable Mr. Olmert also lamented the fact that the once reliable and trustworthy anti-Semitic murderers have gone bad , "What is this world coming too if you can't even trust a terrorist to keep his word?"
Meanwhile security and legal experts are working to make sure such a breach of trust never occurs again. Mansour has already admitted that he crossed his fingers while signing the affidavit," said Colonel Shem-Tov, Head of Security in the PM Office, "So next time we will be watching their hands closely. Trust me – this won't happen again!"

But IDF legal expert Major Cohen, who is responsible for the wording of the affidavit, said that watching out for crossed fingers just isn't enough.
"The devil is in the details" said the Major, "We must make sure that there are no loopholes or ambiguities in the document they are signing."
As an example, Major Cohen said that he had been troubled by the words, "I promise to never do anything bad again like being a terrorist or robbing old ladies, cross my heart, boy scouts honor".
"I know this worked for me when I was a kid and it still does, but some experts have pointed out that there may be some cultural problem here that causes the terrorists to misunderstand their commitment or take it lightly," said the Major.

Accordingly, the IDF will change the wording to fit the new reality. From now on pardoned terrorists will have to sign this oath:
" to never ever ever ever, even in my wildest dreams, no matter what happens, do anything remotely illegal, including being a terrorist, cross my heart, Islamic boy scouts honor, so help me Allah."
"If that doesn't do it, then I don't know what will," said the exhausted Major Cohen, who told us that it took his office, consisting of ten accomplished lawyers, more than a week to come up with this final, balanced, clear-cut version of the "Pardoned Terrorist Oath".
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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Israel Government Makes Gestures to Palestinians and Israelis in Honor of Holidays

ISL – Jerusalem
In what has a become a tradition of sorts these past years, the Israeli Government voted and approved gestures to be made in honor of the holidays.
To honor the Muslim holiday of Ramadan Israel will release nearly a hundred terrorists, on condition that they sign an affidavit renouncing their wayward ways and promising to never take up the murder business again.
Responding to cries from the opposition that trusting the word of known murderers is an act of criminal negligence, Israeli PM Vizzini Olmert said that it would be inconceivable for a Palestinian to break his word.
However just in case the dire predictions of the Israeli Right do come to pass, the Government also decided on a complimentary gesture towards Israeli Jews . According to the decision, the Givat Shaul cemetery in Jerusalem will be enlarged, and burial rates will be reduced:
"This way, no matter what happens, we have all bases covered," explained a spokesman for the government who also wished the public a happy and joyous holiday, "because there is a good chance it will be your last!"

In the picture below: the gesture made by the Israeli Government towards its citizens.

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Sunday, September 16, 2007

Israel to Teach Zikim Rocket Strike From Hamas Point of View

Israel Minister of Education, Yuli Tamir, said that the she will instruct schools to give special lessons intended to clarify the true meaning of the rocket strike that injured 69 soldiers just a few days ago.

"It is true that many soldiers were wounded" said Tamir in a meeting with reporters, "And I am sure that many Israeli families are worried and even angry about the attack. But we really must try to see it from their point of view, for the sake of peace," said Tamir. "We must stop the fascist, egotistical practice of thinking only about ourselves and our loved ones," Tamir pointed out.

"Yes, I know that a Jewish mother loves her son more than anything," Tamir said, "But it is exactly that kind of narrow-minded thinking that is at the root of all our problems.
"If we ever want to change this world, we must learn how to see things from the point of view of the Other. For instance, let us imagine the fear of the Hamas operative hiding in the dark, creeping towards the enemy border with his makeshift Kassam launcher that could blow up in his face any minute! Think of him standing tall and proud,

launching the rocket at the evil, bloodsucking Jews in revenge for his brother that was killed in an Israeli raid! We must think of his family – how proud and happy they must be when they hear of the successful attack against the enemy soldiers!"
Tamir said that, generally speaking, this will be the way the event will be taught in Israeli schools beginning next week – through exciting stories portraying the Zikim attackers as human beings just like us – with feelings and worries and ambitions and even, yes, you guessed it - a love story! For example:

Ahmad, a young aspiring rocket launcher for the Hamas, is in love with Hilwa, the daughter of a rich, Fatah weapons merchant. Her corrupt father, who is cooperating with the Zionist apes, forbids her to see the poor honest man and marriage is out of the question - or is it? Meanwhile, Ahmad is entrusted with a new secret mission that will kill dozens of satanic Israelis. Will he succeed? If he does, will they elope and get married and live happily ever after? Or will the evil Zionist pigs thwart the brave Hamas soldier and shoot him, leaving him crippled, loveless and penniless for life?

All this and more, starting next week at a school near you!! Brought to you courtesy of Tamir-Hamas Productions: "Giving Your Children an Education to Die For!"

Related links: Not the first time Tamir rearranges our kids minds, with an anti-Zionist agenda. Settler Joe has something to say about Her Madness too.
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Friday, September 14, 2007

Olmert's Exclusive New Year Interview With ISL

ISL – Jerusalem

Half a year after his first interview with ISL, Olmert reveals his vision for the state of Israel and gets surprisingly personal with our correspondent, Benjy Cohen.

ISL: First of all, the question everyone is asking: why didn't you give the customary round of holiday interviews to the press? If memory serves, you are the first Israeli PM to shun the press in this manner since, well, forever. And second – can you give us your vision for the people of Israel for the next year?

Olmert: You just answered your own question. That is the question the reporters always ask: "What's your vision". Well I don't have a vision so I just skipped the interviews. Thanks for nothing, by the way.

ISL: You're welcome. But seriously – what do you mean you don't have any vision. That's impossible.

Olmert: Why? When did I ever say I have any kind of vision? The Kadima Party itself was established with the understanding that we would have no principles, values or vision. That was the secret of our success.

ISL: Let me put it this way: what kind of advice would you give to the average Israeli citizen on this day of holiness and completeness, of new beginnings?


The best advice I can give is this: take as much as you can from society and give as little as possible in return. If I have had any kind of guiding philosophy throughout my political career than that would be it.

ISL: Thank you. Actually it seems simple enough.

Olmert: It is deceptively simple - so many people fail in following this simple rule that it boggles the mind. Even my children don't seem to get it.

ISL: They seem to have done pretty well for themselves.

Olmert: In respect to my philosophy they are failures – they have become sincere ideologues, earnest in their desire to destroy Israel.

ISL: You are disappointed that they haven't become cynical, corrupt, money-grabbing politicians like you?

Olmert: Well, like every parent I was hoping that, perhaps, at least one child would follow in my footsteps, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe all those long hours in the office away from my kids, stealing from the public, ruined them. Public service is tough on family life.

ISL: You feel that you have failed as a father?

Olmert: Kind of. I mean it's not complete failure, after all they do hate Israel and that counts for something. But I haven't been completely successful either.

ISL: Is there anything you regret about the past year? Anything you would have done differently?

Olmert: I don't think so. Let's see: I bungled the war last summer, oversaw the takeover of Gaza by the Hamas, allowed the constant bombardment of a city in Israel, stood by while Iran went nuclear, a surprising amount of my corrupt wheelings and dealings has been publicly exposed - and I'm still in power. So, all in all, it was a very good year for Ehud Olmert.

ISL: Are there any challenges left for you? What do you wish for next year?

Olmert: I don't know. I have everything I ever wanted. Actually I'm bored.

ISL: You're thinking of retiring?

Olmert: No, of course not. At least in this job I don’t have to see my wife all the time, if you get my drift…

ISL: I see. Well, if you have everything you need, how about helping other people – the citizens of Israel for instance.

Olmert: Somehow, that doesn't sound right. Why should I help other people? What's in it for me?

ISL: Well, you said you were bored and I thought that maybe you could try doing something completely different.

Olmert: Well, it does have that going for it. It is a radical, new idea. Where did you get it? Did you think about it yourself?

ISL: Not really. Actually the idea of helping others - it's quite well known in certain circles.

Olmert: Never heard of it.

ISL: Obviously. Why don't you try it out? You might like it.

Olmert: It feels just...too weird, but I’ll think about it. Final question before I leave.

ISL: It is customary for the PM to bless the citizens of the country upon the new year. What is your blessing for this year?

Olmert: Take care of yourself suckers, because I'm certainly not going to!

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Olmert Blasts Neo Nazi Groups in Israel

"It is preposterous to think that in this day and age we would have among us Holocaust -deniers," said Olmert who admitted that he would not know where to begin to find such a person.

Olmert added that he finds it hard to believe that there are people in Israel that would engage in violence against"Jews just because they wear a kippah,"

Olmert made the statements in response to the arrest of a gang of Neo-Nazis in Tel Aviv this week.

"Next thing you know they will want to evict Jews from their homes, rob them of their dignity and livelihood and all worldly possessions just because they are Jews," said Olmert who laughed at the absurdity.

"Of course doing that would be ethnic cleansing and quite unthinkable in a civilized country like Israel, " said Olmert, who vowed to act promptly and forcefully against any such openly anti-semitic ideas...

Other prominent, public figures in Israel chimed in to express their disgust with the fact that there are still people who wish to attack Jews because of their customs and the way they look and behave. Tommi Lapid former head of the Shinui Party and current head of Yad Va-Shem was one of them:
"It's hard to believe that such racism still exists in Israel," he said . "It's such a shame that we can't all just forget our differences (link is in Hebrew) and live together, isn't it?" added the sweet-natured, naive Mr Lapid.
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