Friday, September 28, 2007

Pardoned Terrorist Admits to "Crossing Fingers" When Signing Affidavit

ISL – Jerusalem
Israeli officials expressed shock and dismay upon the arrest of pardoned terrorist Fares Mansour, who was caught in possession of arms and ammunition and is suspected of participating in shooting attacks upon Jews. The wayward murderer had been pardoned in July after signing an affidavit promising to renounce terrorist acts, but apparently, he lied.

PM Olmert said that he is disappointed: "I would never have believed that a proud and unashamed murderer would turn to lying. Who would have thought that these people would stoop so low?"
The Honorable Mr. Olmert also lamented the fact that the once reliable and trustworthy anti-Semitic murderers have gone bad , "What is this world coming too if you can't even trust a terrorist to keep his word?"
Meanwhile security and legal experts are working to make sure such a breach of trust never occurs again. Mansour has already admitted that he crossed his fingers while signing the affidavit," said Colonel Shem-Tov, Head of Security in the PM Office, "So next time we will be watching their hands closely. Trust me – this won't happen again!"

But IDF legal expert Major Cohen, who is responsible for the wording of the affidavit, said that watching out for crossed fingers just isn't enough.
"The devil is in the details" said the Major, "We must make sure that there are no loopholes or ambiguities in the document they are signing."
As an example, Major Cohen said that he had been troubled by the words, "I promise to never do anything bad again like being a terrorist or robbing old ladies, cross my heart, boy scouts honor".
"I know this worked for me when I was a kid and it still does, but some experts have pointed out that there may be some cultural problem here that causes the terrorists to misunderstand their commitment or take it lightly," said the Major.

Accordingly, the IDF will change the wording to fit the new reality. From now on pardoned terrorists will have to sign this oath:
" to never ever ever ever, even in my wildest dreams, no matter what happens, do anything remotely illegal, including being a terrorist, cross my heart, Islamic boy scouts honor, so help me Allah."
"If that doesn't do it, then I don't know what will," said the exhausted Major Cohen, who told us that it took his office, consisting of ten accomplished lawyers, more than a week to come up with this final, balanced, clear-cut version of the "Pardoned Terrorist Oath".
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