Sunday, October 21, 2007

Israel to Build A New, Better, High-Tech Kotel after Ceding Original to Palestinians

Following Palestinian claims that the Western Wall, revered for centuries by Jews all over the world, is actually an important part of Palestinian history and culture, Israel has agreed to cede the Wall as a gesture of good faith, "No wall will stand between us and Peace with the Palestinians," said Israeli PM Olmert, " certainly not an old, dirty, crumbling wall full of moldy old notes and stale memories.
"Instead of arguing over such a wall," Olmert said, "We will build a new wall, a modern wall, that will be ten times better than the old one!" Olmert promised.

According to sources, the new wall will be one hundred feet high, and half a mile long – much higher and longer than the original- and will be made from the best materials, most likely the finest stainless steel. High-definition LCD screens will be spaced at regular intervals in the wall and will broadcast targeted commercials which will pay for the upkeep of the new wall. Numerous computer touch screens embedded in the wall will allow visitors to choose from a menu of prayers which will be sent directly to the Kotel Command Center and stored in a Holy Hard Drive for a whole year, after which they will be deleted automatically by a kosher program (Badatz Heksher). No handwritten notes will be allowed in the new wall which will also be self-cleaning.
In order to accommodate the various Jewish practices five new Western Walls will be erected side by side: One for Orthodox Jews, one for Conservative Jews, one for Reform Jews, one for Gay Jews and another one for self-hating Jews that they will be able to not visit and not pray at whenever they don't go there without being bothered by practicing Jews.
Although the location of the new Western Walls is not yet known, Palestinian officials have already declared it part of their revered heritage and officially protested Israel's intention to build on such a holy site to Islam, wherever it is.

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Mr Bagel said...

Excellent! Will it have giant screens showing a giant Olmert face with a pasty smile saying compromises had to be made?

I heard it will have wheels so as it can be moved at Olmert's whim can you confirm this?

Mr Bagel

satiricohen said...

That's a great idea - a completely mobile Kotel. It can be moved overnight from one place to the other, keeping those darned Palestinians guessing!!
It will confuse us too but we're used to it, I guess.