Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Rabin Canonized Posthumously by Israeli Secular Church of Peace

ISL - Jerusalem
More than a decade after his untimely death, and following a lengthy and rigorous approval process, former Israeli Prime minister Yitzhak Rabin has finally been canonized and declared a saint by the Israeli Secular Church of Peace.

Head of the Israeli Branch of the Secular Church of Peace, former Supreme Justice Aharon Barak, issued a statement today announcing the decision and apologizing to The Rabin Family for taking so long to confirm Rabin's sainthood.
Normally, a person may be nominated for sainthood not less than five years after his death. Then, a commission of inquiry from the Church of Peace, appointed by the leader of the Church, The High Peanut, Jimmy Carter, reviews the evidence in an effort to determine if the deceased indeed lived a saintly life, a life worthy of the devotion and prayers of the millions of members of the Church of Peace world-wide.
In Rabin's case the evidence was overwhelming. He had already received the Nobel Peace prize, shared by Saint Arafat (canonized by special procedure within a week after his death), and obviously he was martyred in the cause of Peace. These two facts alone would have been enough to declare Rabin a saint, but as the commission learned, Rabin was a unique individual, who loved Peace and did everything he could to spread this love among the people, whether they wanted it or not...

Spectacular tales about Rabin began circulating minutes after he died. Some say his spirit was seen rising from his tomb at Mt Herzl, and indeed, the Holy Spirit of Rabin has appeared on several occasions to reliable witnesses such as Former American President Bill Clinton, the Israeli Folk singer, Aviv Gefen and Ezekiel, the talking dog. Others whispered that the last time he broke bread with his followers, Rabin told Raviv that he would betray him. Raviv denied the allegations, then and even now, but who can deny the reality? Pictures of the Last Supper, portraying Rabin with his disciples, have been a popular religious artifact for years now. Even non-believers have been known to carry in their wallets small plastic icons of Rabin,

with printed blessings on them such as "May the Peace Be With You" and "Ani Anavet", an obscure, cryptic phrase that Rabin was fond of repeating. No one has been able to figure out the true meaning of this idiom, but many still repeat it as a comforting prayer in times of great stress and indecision.
But perhaps the most convincing and gratifying evidence that was presented to the Holy Peace Commission was that provided by the simple people – the workers and peasants, the lepers and outcasts who followed Rabin and drank the truth directly from his golden mouth. Rabin as healer, as benefactor, as performer of miracles beyond belief is the unmistakable image arising from this cornucopia of fabulous tales about this giant among men.
In these stories we meet the real Rabin, the saint, toiling among the starving, sick natives in Ramat Aviv and Savion, wiping the sweat off a bolemic girl in the impoverished ghettos of North Tel Aviv, holding in his arms a sick infant, dying from an unknown disease called "suicide bombers", while comforting his mother, already dying and promising that he will take care of her child.

But if Saint Rabin will be remembered by future generations, it will not be for his kindly deeds, which, in these cynical times,
will soon enough seem too good to be true, but for his Reformation of the Church of Peace. This was done by bravely re-installing the practice of human sacrifice to Our Father, The God of Peace. Thus, Rabin breathed new life into the Church, emboldening her and making her strong against her enemies. Since then, fifteen hundred have been sacrificed on the Altar of Peace and the Church and its followers have grown and flourished just as the heretics have been driven out and into hiding in Judea and Samaria, soon to be hunted down by Rabin's followers.
For this, above all else, Rabin has earned the gratitude of thousands, even millions of believers around the world.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I humbly present to you the immortal Saint Rabin, the man who died so that we shall live, who returned to life after death so that our sins may be washed away and thus grant us Peace everlasting.
Ave Rabina, faeces plena, Peres tecum.

Join us tomorrow as Israel marks Saint Rabin's Day – we will be following the events closely and of course reporting on them with our usual attention to detail...

See also:
The Church of Rabin and Peace
The Festival of Hate at the Muqata

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