Thursday, November 1, 2007

Israel to Declare Unilateral Peace at Annapolis Summit

ISL – Jerusalem
Israeli PM, Ehud Olmert, revealed today his government's strategy for the upcoming Annapolis Peace Conference with the Palestinians, a strategy which is unique in the history of nations:
"We are sick and tired of waiting for the Palestinians and the rest of the meshuganeh Arabs to come to their senses," said Olmert, "So we have decided to do what should have been done long ago – my government will go to Annapolis, and no matter what the results, no matter how bad things get, we will declare True Peace, Eternal and Everlasting, between us and the Palestinians," said Olmert.
"I feel bad that the situation has reached the point where, once again, we must act unilaterally, but we feel that we have no choice – for fifteen years we have been planning peace and talking about peace and promising peace, but in reality what do we have to show for it? Just more violence, more threats, more attacks - it almost seems like it will never end! To this bleak reality we say 'Enough! No more!'
"The people of Israel want peace now and they need peace now and, as Barak is my witness, that's what we will give them!" declared Olmert.
The PM further explained that the Declaration of Unilateral Peace will not be an empty statement devoid of any real measures but rather, it will be accompanied by corresponding moves such as the immediate disarming of the Israeli Army:

"Since we are declaring Ultimate, Everlasting True Peace between us and our neighbors, then, obviously, we do not need an Army, right?" asked Olmert. "Does Belgium have an army? Does Switzerland? Of course not – they live in peace among friends and from now on so do we. It is written that the lamb shall live with the lion – well, I say - so be it!!"
Olmert also said that Israel will open it's borders to all comers, "We have nothing to fear – we are at peace with ourselves and the world and we welcome anyone who wants to live with us in our beautiful country – the more the merrier," said Olmert, who added, " as long as they are not Jews, since Shitrit says that we have enough of them already."
FM Zippi Livni, who will lead the Israeli delegation in Annapolis, said that this is the happiest day of her life, "Like all Israelis, I too have been waiting all my life for True Peace with our neighbors. I want to be able to go to Ramallah and have a good, authentic falafel at the Abu-Shukri Falafel Palace™ . We want to go down to Gaza and have ourselves a good plate of native Hummus with freshly baked pita and a tiny vegetable salad and then, to wash it down with the pitch black coffee that only our dear Arab friends know how to make, Bless their souls," said Livni, who was literally bursting with excitement. "After two thousand years of exile– we deserve a good meal, don't we?"

Right-wing skeptics pounced on the announcement, saying that the Olmert government had finally lost its mind, "Israel won't survive five minutes without an Army," said opposition leader Netanyahu, "and leaving the borders open is insane – it will cost thousands of lives!" shrieked the exasperated former prime minister.
Army chief Gabi Ashkenazi warned that dismantling the Army could have serious consequences for the security of the country but that, existential threats notwithstanding, he would obey orders, " First and foremost I am a soldier and I will do what I am told."

Peres, who dedicated his life to this moment, dismissed the right-wing outcry, "They said exactly the same things before the Oslo agreement and before Wye, and before Camp David – and you can see for yourself that things have only gotten better!"
said the happy President, "The fact is, here we are, only a few days away from True, Eternal Peace!
"Really, I don't know what's up with those right-wing fanatics - maybe they're just party-poopers or maybe they just don't like Hummus. Whatever their problem is – they'll just have to deal with it."

So, what do you think? How much is a plate of (native!) Hummus worth to you?
On the other hand, maybe we really shouldn't be so grumpy all the time? Maybe we should stop worrying and be happy?
Really, what are these people smoking? Can we have some too?

See also:
Olmert's Strategy For Annapolis Summit Revealed – at Doc's Talk
Meir Shitrit gives the cold shoulder to new olim at INN
Moshe Feiglin, the biggest party-pooper of them all, says "Don't worry, be Happy". Or not...
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therapydoc said...

This is truly psychotic. But what do I know.

satiricohen said...

It's just satire. No work for you here...