Upon concluding a two year, hands-on experiment with various recreational drugs, the Israeli government has announced that it will legalize drugs, "Our experience with a wide variety of drugs, from marijuana to heroin, has convinced us that there is absolutely no harm in them. On the contrary – all of the ministers lives have improved considerably, " said the official announcement.
Several ministers participated in the historic press conference and shared their experiences with reporters.
For instance, Prime Minister Olmert said that when he won his current job, he barely had a minute's rest, "All day long I had to make various decisions, some of them critical. I never could know if one decision or the other would be fatal to the country or not – the survival of Israel depends on such a delicate balance; the seriousness of it all was killing me – until I initiated the recreational drugs program," Olmert said, "Ever since then – my whole outlook has changed. I stopped worrying about the consequences of my decisions and as a result I sleep like a baby. Frankly – I've never felt better in my life and that is why I highly recommend a daily dose of your favorite drug," said Olmert.
Other ministers agreed with Olmert.
Peace Now Minister of Education, Yuli Tamir said that she has based her whole career on serving the public while on drugs, "It's the only way to deal with the pressure, "said Tamir, "Imagine if I would be taking all the strikes in our education system seriously – I would be distraught with worry, my face would wrinkle, and I would look terrible," said the Minister, "Instead, I could care less and I look better and that is why I recommend to all the parents whose children are missing out on a whole school year – take a deep breath, light a joint and realize that nothing, including the future of their children, really matters, "
Minister of Industry, Trade and Labor, Eli Yishai confided that his experience with drugs has helped him formulate a revolutionary new plan to accept unemployment, "For years the country has been trying to fight unemployment, sinking millions into all kinds of programs," Yishai said, "But my experience with drugs has made me realize that fighting unemployment is not only expensive, it is actually futile. Why fight the inevitable?" asked Yishai, " Now I believe we should embrace and even encourage unemployment and I know that if the unemployed get high enough, they will agree with me."
Unfortunately, not all the cabinet ministers have enjoyed such enlightening experiences. Former Defense Minister Amir Peretz experienced a terrible trip while popping LSD,
"He thought that Israel was being attacked by giant cockroaches," said his personal aide, Yoram Nitzan, "Unfortunately this trip occurred during the Lebanon War and Peretz is terrified by cockroaches. His responses were not always adequate," said Nitzan. Peretz is now rehabilitating from his addiction at an undisclosed, cockroach-free location.
Olmert shrugged off Peretz's experience, "Peretz is an isolated case – the rest of the cabinet couldn't be higher – I mean happier," said Olmert, laughing off his mistake, "We used to fight with each other over the silliest things like policy and budget allocations and every cabinet meeting was like world war three, but now –we pass joints around the cabinet table, we help each other find good veins, and we've found out that deep down inside we are all the same – mediocre people with way too much responsibility," said Olmert.
"Bottom line is that I used to have terrible nightmares – now I have the most fantastic daydreams – what's wrong with that?" asked Olmert.
Umm, only one thing – I'm afraid Olmert's daydreams are my nightmares, and I'd much prefer that he leave me out of them…don't you?
Feiglin – don't worry , be happy
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