Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Livni Touts Historic Agreement With Mayor of East Ramallah

ISL – Annapolis
Although negotiations between the Palestinians and Israelis are not done yet, both sides are speaking in terms of "a historic agreement" between Israel and the Palestinian representative, Mahmoud Abbas, Mayor of East Ramallah, Supreme Leader of over a dozen devoted Palestinian gunmen and also "Rosh HaVaad" of the apartment house on Sheik Garah street no. 28.

Until recently, Abbas was also Prime Minister of the Palestinian authority, however he was deposed and forced to relocate with his Band of Merry Terrorists to Ramallah. Abbas is now struggling to establish his authority over the western neighborhoods of the city, which are dominated by his bitter rivals - killers and criminals without any sense of humor from the Hamas and the PFLP, and the southern suburbs which are still being bitterly fought over by smaller factions such as the PLLP, the POLI, and the PKLU. Abbas also faces challenges from his own people, six of whom oppose any agreement with Israel, and six who are in favor. Currently, Abbas holds the critical swing vote - but according to analysts, his position is precarious.

Details about the forthcoming agreement were not given. However, the Israeli delegation has hinted that Abbas has agreed to accept millions of shekels of Israeli taxpayer money as well as arms and weapons in return for allowing Israel to unconditionally release his murderers. It is also rumored that Abbas has promised to make himself available for photo-ops anytime Israeli leaders feel the urge to appear on TV with a well-dressed, English speaking Arab who doesn't remind anybody of Arafat.

Israeli representatives said that they are delighted with the results of the summit, "Things have gone splendidly for Israel," said Tzipi Livni, Israel's Foreign Minister and the mastermind behind the momentous agreement, "I would never have believed that ten years after flunking cosmetics schools I would be on the forefront of such a successful, historic diplomatic blitz."
Livni said that the only disappointment is that Israel could not reach an agreement with additional representatives of the Palestinian people, "We tried to talk with the Mayor of East Ramallah who is from the Hamas but they are impossible – they take their Anti-Semitism way too seriously."
Livni said that Israel will pursue similar agreements with any Palestinian leader who will agree to the same terms given to Abbas – "We welcome Palestinian mayors, captains of industry, captains of sports teams, school presidents and in fact, anybody at all who is Arab and is willing to fly abroad for a week, get photographed and interviewed and say that he will never, ever, under any circumstances recognize Israel."

One major subplot underlying the Annapolis summit was the career path of Tzipi Livni which is indeed remarkable, a true, "from rags to riches" story:

after dropping out of high school where she was her teachers' despair Livni enrolled in the "Evita Peron School of Beauty", "Because a girl has to make a living somehow," as she puts it. Unfortunately, Livni was just not cut out to be a professional, "I flunked peeling and eyelashes but I had a flair for hair-coloring."
Using the skills she had learned at cosmetics school, Livni tried to make her way in the world as a call girl but met with no more success than before, "I did my best to attract customers and I was always willing to do anything, but it just didn't work out for me," Livni said, "At the time I was devastated."
As a last resort and living off the remnants of her meager savings, Livni joined the Likud party, "Politics is just like being a whore except the hours are worse," Livni explained, " But I knew that the only way I could survive was by discarding any semblance of humanity and going into politics. With my experience as a call girl and the knowledge of the human skin and hair that I acquired at beauty school, I was an instant hit." Livni said, "Also, my lack of education allowed me to connect instantly, almost unconsciously, with influential members of the Likud and other parties."

Livni went on to participate in the destruction of the Likud and the Jewish community in Gaza after which she defected to Kadima and, as the saying goes, the rest is history, "Who would have believed that a simple girl like me would be standing on the steps of the Annapolis mess-room, having my photograph taken with a handsome, well-dressed, English-speaking Arab?" Livni said, concluding that, "Such things happen only in fairytales or in Israeli politics where nothing is impossible if you are immoral enough."

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