Monday, November 5, 2007

Olmert Announces He Has AIDS, Approval Rate Soars

One week after the Israeli PM dramatically announced that he had cancer, Olmert today said that he also has AIDS. The virus is at this moment inactive, but the announcement still caused another surge in Olmert's approval ratings and they have reached an all-time high of twenty five percent - up from 11 percent last week.
Olmert's PR man who was considering suicide just a few weeks ago says that this is the finest hour of Olmert's time in office, " Getting AIDS is the best thing that could have happened to Olmert," said his PR advisor Yoni Peleg, " In fact, a few more well-timed diseases and we could be looking at another four years in office!"
Peleg said that it is clear that becoming sick is the best, perhaps the only way Olmert has a chance to stay in power, "Therefore, we are planning a PR campaign, based on illness. We started with cancer, we had the good luck to get AIDS, and now we will continue with other various diseases such as gonorrhea, small pox, pneumonia, and so on – each sickness increasing Olmert's popularity ten-fold, until we reach the elections.
"Then," said the excited PR man, " the coup de grace - we will announce that it has become imperative to amputate one of Olmert's legs. He will spend the whole campaign in a wheelchair, just like FDR – and we will be unbeatable!" gloated the marketing expert.
Although Olmert has been rumored to be less than delighted with these plans, no one is arguing with the facts and as a result, his success is now having his rivals scrambling. For instance, Ehud Barak, Minister of Defense appeared yesterday on Israel's popular morning show "Good Morning Israel" where he talked for an hour about his hemorrhoids. He also took off his shoes and showed the audience a terrible case of eczema. Following the show, his approval rating hit a new, all-time high of six percent, which prompted a spontaneous celebration on the part of his supporters - all five of them. Yuli Tamir went on air and admitted

that she suffers from Alzheimer disease and most of the time cannot remember who she is or explain what she did. Other cabinet members also admitted that they cannot remember who she is and why she is there.
Olmert's other main political rival, Bibi Netanyahu, said that he refuses to participate in this mad race to cater to the lowest common denominator, " Israel needs a strong healthy leader, with a sound mind and body, not a disease-ridden, festering prime-minister who is rotting away, physically as well as spiritually, " said Netanyahu, "And besides," he added, "My back is acting up again. I have to go lie down…"

Meanwhile, ISL political observer says that the Israeli public is not as stupid as it seems: " They realize that the sicker Olmert gets, the healthier Israel becomes, " said Hanan Goldblum, our senior analyst, "Which is why Olmert is getting more popular as his situations worsen. In the end, like Rabin, he will be far more popular dead than alive."

Olmert Cancer "Ploy to Gain Sympathy" Colleagues Say
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