Monday, November 12, 2007

Olmert Indicted for Jaywalking; Faces up to Thirty Years in Prison

For years the authorities have been after him. He has been charged with murder, high larceny, fraud and dozens of other crimes, large and small. Rumors of his wheelings and dealings came and went, leaving behind the unmistakable odor of decay and corruption, familiar by now to all Israeli citizens - the terrible "Olmert Smell".
But despite the unceasing efforts of Israel's finest, led by the fearless Attorney General, Manny "The Man" Mazoz, Israel's Prime minister and foremost felon was never nabbed – until now.

"Like Al Capone, Olmert will end his career because of a slip-up, a human error, a stupid mistake made by a vain, complacent mobster," said Mazoz at a press conference yesterday in Jerusalem Police Headquarters.
"I always knew he was a criminal," said the AG, reminiscing, "All it took was just one look at him and I knew right away that standing before me was a criminal mind the like of which had not been seen in this country since Elimelech Zurkin ruled the streets of Bat-Yam with an iron fist.

"But in Israel criminals are innocent until proven guilty, no matter how obvious their crimes are. Therefore it became more urgent than ever to catch Olmert and prove his guilt once and for all", said Manny, "Or else, how can we expect the population to trust a justice system that cannot even put behind bars a man who smirks like the Joker?" asked the Attorney General.

"That is why I am glad to announce that today we finally made a breakthrough. Yes, we sent one hundred policemen to raid dozens of offices and private homes but we've been doing that for years and where has that got us?" admitted Mazoz. " Always there is some tiny loophole in the law, such as "lack of evidence", that Olmert and his wily lawyers manage to exploit and somehow slip through yet again.
"But this time we have him

– we have three witnesses, tucked away in a safe place of course who swear that Olmert jaywalked – not once, gentlemen, no, that could be forgiven or perhaps over looked, not even twice which is reprehensible but human – no, three times, and all while serving as prime minister, no less. Of course, we also have a confession, given by his wife, who admits seeing Olmert commit these crimes and in fact also participated in them herself so that she is a knowing accessory to the crime. Her part in this heinous affair will be dealt with separately, as part of a plea deal," said the Attorney General.

"What we have here, ladies and gentlemen of the press is man – a lawyer yet! – who knowingly breaks the law not once, not twice – but three whole times!" said Mazoz, "And what is more , Olmert obviously knew or thought he knew that his position would protect him from prosecution. Perhaps Olmert thought that he could once again buy or bribe or somehow talk his way out of this one," said the AG, "Well, have I got news for you Mr. Prime minister – this is the end of the road," said Mazoz who stopped for a moment and stared down the roomful of reporters.
"We are going to throw the book at the PM. We must do so if only to show that there is only one kind of justice in Israel," said Mazoz, "The same justice for everybody, be he high or low or in between - the Justice of Manny Mazoz."

ISL legal experts say that Olmert could be facing up to thirty years in jail consisting of a 1000 NS fine for three counts of alleged jaywalking and twenty years or more in jail for annoying the attorney general.
Meanwhile Olmert's attorney Omri Volkowitch denies the charges, "Olmert may be a corrupt SOB, he may have embezzled millions, peddled his influence and accepted bribes, but as god is my witness, he never jaywalked – he's just not that kind of man," said Volkowitch.

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