Sunday, November 11, 2007

Survey: 30 percent of Israeli Jews are Blind, Deaf and Suffer Hallucinations

ISL- Tel Aviv
Tel Aviv University released its Peace Index poll of the Jewish public, revealing once again an alarming trend: a growing number of Jews are Blind and Deaf and suffer from periodic hallucinations.
For instance, after more than 1500 murdered and many thousand wounded, as well as experiencing a complete change in lifestyle, only sixty-eight percent of Israeli Jews think the Palestinians constitute a serious security threat while 29 percent do not think so. Another question reveals that despite a consistent, unequivocal message conveyed for years, both verbally and physically, only 65 percent of Jews accept the reality that "Most of the Palestinians have not accepted Israel's existence and would destroy it if they could."
These numbers, along with other evidence, have convinced researchers that a large part of Jewish society in Israel is suffering from a unique disease. Its symptoms are a fading and selective memory, a false sense of security, an increasingly tenuous connection to reality and momentary lapses of concentration which tend to increase with time.
This hitherto largely unknown disease has been dubbed: "Jewish Alzheimer" by the experts, "Large parts of the patients memory are erased, especially anything connected to their Jewish identity," said Israeli Surgeon General, Professor Yoram Katz, "On the other hand, hallucinations of grandeur and omnipotence occur, causing symptomatic behavior, such as signing fictitious "peace" agreements, that may be dangerous and even fatal to the patient and his surroundings."
The disease is also known as "Peresitis", after the so called "patient zero" – President Shimon Peres.


Peres was diagnosed with the disease several years ago: "The case of Shimon Peres proves that a fulfilling life is possible even with the disease," said Professor Katz, who prescribed a steady dose of political appointments, parties, rallies and daily flattery in order to counter the symptoms. The professor admits though that the results have disappointing, "We've learned a lot since those early days and today the treatment is better and more effective."

According to national health statistics, the disease is rampant among secular Ashkenazi Jews. Experts estimate that nearly three quarters of them are infected already, "If you know such a person and he reads 'Haaretz' and watches news on Israeli television, chances are he is already well on his way to losing his mind," says Prof. Katz.

"Voting for Meretz, 'Peace' agreements and razing Jewish settlements are only some of the irrational, sick behaviors that may result." said the expert, "In such cases the authorities should be notified immediately and the patient sent to detox - our new, experimental cure for this curious disease," said Prof. Katz.
"In extreme cases we send the patient to the Yeshiva at the Yitzha settlement. There, the patient is introduced into a daily routine of Jewish customs- praying, studying torah, and acknowledging God. This routine, coupled with physical work on the organic farms and good fresh air, has proven to be quite effective and many patients experience a complete relapse of their symptoms," said Prof. Katz, "Unfortunately, others have gone mad, so we're still working on the correct dosage of Judaism to counter the effects of the patients upbringing and lifestyle," said the Professor, "Sooner or later we'll get it right."

Is anybody near you suffering from this disease? Are you afraid to ask for help? Fight back now and reclaim your life, and remember – Peresitis can be cured!

Don't be a Peresite!
Call 999-IAM-JEWISH- TOO and get your life back!
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