Monday, December 31, 2007

ISL Special: In Which Ha'aretz Editor Explains Why Rape is Better Than Democracy

ISL-Jerusalem

Following our report about the editor of the Israeli daily Ha'aretz calling for the rape of various individuals and organizations in Israel, we now present our follow up interview with said editor:

ISL: David, Ha'aretz is well-known for its aggressive stance on human rights so, like the rest of the country, I was quite surprised to hear that you are an advocate of rape. Can you explain that?
Ha'aretz editor: Gladly. First I want to clarify that I am against rape per se. Rape, as I understand it, is against the law and of course, like all of our readers I am a law abiding citizen, because without the law, we are lost. That said, there are certain circumstances in which rape is not only necessary but even beneficial to the receiver.
ISL: Such as?
Ha'aretz editor: Such as when confronted with people who simply refuse to do what is good for them, like the current Israeli government and, in fact, most of the Israeli people.
ISL: And the only possible solution is to rape everybody who disagrees with you?
Ha'aretz editor: Well, we did try persuading people at first, but that didn’t work too well. To tell the truth, we failed quite miserably, so I guess the answer to your question is yes, rape, under the circumstances, is inevitable.
ISL: Although it is a clear violation of human rights- which you support wholeheartedly.
Ha'aretz editor: Obviously we support human rights and that is always the number one item on our agenda. But frankly, you can hardly call these people human. In fact, as we see it, the people who oppose us, actually oppose everything that is right and just and beautiful in this world, so, in a way, haven't they forfeited their humanity? Can we really call them human? Or should we be calling them racist, fascist animals, worse than rats and snakes?
ISL: Should we?
Ha'aretz editor: Of course we should! After all, rats don't have free choice, they are what they are, but here we are talking about humans- or rather people who could have been human, who could have been free individuals and subscribe to Ha'aretz, get a degree in the humanities and vote Meretz, and despite that, despite the obvious advantages of such a choice, and the refined elegance and dignity of such a life – have rejected it. In fact, when you think about it – these people have brought it upon themselves – they are in fact raping themselves.
ISL: Yes. Well, spare me the details…what about democracy? Doesn't this kind of thinking run contrary to the ideal of a democratic Israel?
Ha'aretz editor: Democracy is the greatest political idea mankind has ever known. Ha'aretz is firmly committed to democracy and so are all of our staff and readers. There can be no questioning of that. However, democracy is also a flawed system, especially in Israel where democracy is greatly misunderstood.
ISL: Would you care to explain?
Ha'aretz editor: Many have been tricked into believing that democracy means rule of the people.
ISL: Of course it does. Doesn't it?


Ha'aretz editor: What people? Surely it doesn't mean all the people? That would be terrible! What democracy really means is that people who are normal people, people who know what's right, people like us – meaning, basically, people we can trust – these are people who should rule. In fact, we are the only people who can rule because we are the only ones who know what's right for this country – because, inherently, we are the people.
ISL: You and who else?
Ha'aretz editor: Colleagues, friends. Some family, although, to be sure, my son in law is a jack ass.
ISL: Well what about the elections? Don't they mean anything?
Ha'aretz editor: Who knows? They probably mean something to somebody. Elections are like the carnival in Rio de Janeiro. It's a country wide happening that envelopes everyone for months and lets the common people forget about their horrid lives and stupid meaningless jobs. Elections are really just a lot of harmless fun.
ISL: And the results – they too are meaningless?
Ha'aretz editor: Well, judging by the results in the last thirty years, they certainly should be.
ISL: You miss the elections of yesteryear?
Ha'aretz editor: Absolutely. Everything was so much neater then. People were nicer and much more polite and they voted exactly the way we told them. Votes were much cheaper to buy and much easier to arrange. Those were the days.
ISL: What happened to this democratic ideal?
Ha'aretz editor: The occupation, what else? People began getting ideas. Pride and self-confidence and dignity came out of nowhere like a plague. People didn't want to be told what to do. They started talking back to their superiors…It was a terrible time for democracy. And it still is.
ISL: That's so sad. But, let's get back to the future – what can be done now to save Israeli democracy and human rights?
Ha'aretz editor: Well, like I said rape is the beginning of the solution to all our problems.
ISL: If rape is just the beginning, I'm not sure I want to know the rest…
Ha'aretz editor: The worse you are sick, the more painful the cure is going to be. Any doctor will tell you that.
ISL: And that means…
Ha'aretz editor: That there are worse things than rape. As the poet once said: "Come grow old with me – the worst is yet to be!"
ISL: Oy!


In the photo: Ha'aretz editor explains his democratic vision



Related:
Ha'aretz Editor Is Trying to Get Olmert Raped

Update: just saw this good editorial at INN from Dr. Yitzhak Klein.
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Sunday, December 30, 2007

Minister of Education Proposes: Israel to Change National Anthem

ISL-Jerusalem

For years the uplifting Israeli national anthem called "HaTikva" expressed the age-long desire of Jews all over the world: "The hope of two thousand years, To be a free nation in our land, The land of Zion and Jerusalem," says the anthem.
However, according to Yuli Tamir the Peace Now Minister of Education, the words of the national anthem have become outdated and in fact, are quite offending, "First of all, 'Zion' is an offensive, racist term for a land that belongs to many peoples," said Tamir, " It would be more appropriate to call this land by a more natural sounding name such as 'Palestine'
"Second," Tamir said, "The song talks about hope – but of course we have no hope. It is much better to admit that than to continue with this charade. This land was, perhaps, our land, but the times are changing and it is about time we revised the anthem to reflect the new reality. "

Tamir has proposed a new anthem, based on the American folk song "This Land is Your Land" by Woody Guthrie (watch the video here), with lyrics altered to fit the new spiritual reality that Tamir and her friends are living in. It goes something like this:

This Land is Their Land

This land was our land, let's make it their land,
From the Eilat mountains to the Galil hilltops,
From Dizengoff Center to Har Bracha,
This land was made for Arab thieves.

As I was riding the bus to work,
I saw before me a blinding light,
I saw below me I had no legs,
Good thing we signed that peace treaty

Chorus

I've shopped and dined in the streets of Paris,
The shops in London, and New York City,
And all around me a voice was sounding,
Israel don't mean a thing to me

Chorus

No sun comes shining, the night is blinding,
No children laughing, no future happening,
The hate within me, it nearly killed me,
This lonely road, it was made for you and me.



According to Tamir's plan, children will have to sing the new national anthem every morning at school, right after reciting the Pledge of Treason.
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Friday, December 28, 2007

Ha'aretz Editor Is Trying to Get Olmert Raped

ISL – Jerusalem

Rape is in the air. First we reported the innovative research which proved scientifically, that Israeli soldiers are racist for not raping Arab women, and now we hear that the editor of Ha'aretz, David Landau is trying to arrange for Israel to get raped by the United States. Obviously, the editor's words were taken out of context – no country can actually rape another one. We take it that Landau was trying to arrange for Israel's leader, Prime Minister Olmert, to get raped by America's leader, President Bush upon his approaching visit to Israel.
As Daniel Pipes points out, such interference in the personal sex life of democratic leaders is unheard of, "Getting raped is an extremely private affair," said Dr, Pipes, "And it is usually spontaneous – hardly the sort of thing that should be arranged, even if it is done by a true friend of Israel like Landau."

Ha'aretz Editor, David Landau, did not deny this request but he did explain that it is only for the good of the country, "Someone has to rape Olmert before it is too late," explained Landau in his usual rational manner. Landau also added that several other cabinet members should get raped as well, "I asked that Livni, Barak, and Mofaz get raped too, if the President's schedule permits it," said Landau, who is still working on the list of individuals, organizations and sectors in Israel that have to be raped by America, "As long as President Bush is here we might as well have as many rapes as possible," said Landau, who reiterated that it is for the good of the country, "Rape is good for you, everybody knows that,"said Landau, "In fact, I would get raped myself if I wasn't allergic to it," said the editor of Ha'aretz.

Olmert said that he appreciates the efforts made by Israel's best friends to improve the relationships between Israel and America. Olmert said that such a favor has to be returned, "Allergies notwithstanding, I have invited the editors of the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune and Newsweek magazine to join Bush in his visit to Israel in order to gang rape the editor of Ha'aretz, said Olmert, "David Landau is a great friend of Israel and also a personal favorite of mine and I know for a fact that he deserves to get raped," said Olmert.

Unfortunately, the long list of eager rape candidates may have to wait. President Bush has said


that although he sincerely loves Israel and all of its leaders and cabinet ministers, he has a problem with using violence against his loved ones, "If I love someone I would much rather coddle them gently and make they sure they are safe and healthy and well-provided for," said Bush who was quick to reassure Israel's friends at Ha'aretz, "Of course that's just my own idiosyncrasies speaking," explained Bush, "To each his own is what I say and if some people prefer tough love than surely it is their right to do everything they can to get it for themselves or inflict it upon their loved ones."


Personally, I'm not sure that Israel will be able to handle so much tough love. The last time this happened, Clinton raped Rabin and we got saddled with their bastard love child – the Oslo Accords which we are still trying to kick out of our country.
Maybe we could just go back to writing beautiful love poetry. I mean haven't these people heard about the Song of Songs?

Related:
The original article from Daniel Pipes Weblog

Remember "Love is in the Air? A nice video is here. Love sure has changed since then, hasn't it?

Shabat Shalom!

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Thursday, December 27, 2007

Reform Rabbi Discovers Ancient Jewish Rituals

ISL - New York
Cleaning out the attic in his grandparents house seemed an unlikely place to discover some of the most well kept secrets of Judaism but that is exactly what happened to Rabbi Eric Yoffie, Head of North America's Reform Movement, "Which just goes to show that God really works in mysterious and wondrous ways," said the Rabbi after unearthing several ancient texts, believed to be hundreds and perhaps even thousands of years old. The ancient scriptures, written in a foreign language - later identified as a Semitic language called Hebrew - intrigued the Rabbi, "Deep inside, I had a feeling that there was a hidden message for our generation, waiting to be discovered in those books."

Although it took two whole years of hard work until the texts finally surrendered to the Rabbi's determined investigation, his initial intuition proved correct – the ancient Hebrew texts reveal a Jewish way of life that the Reform Rabbi had no idea existed, "Apparently, our ancestors practiced a completely different form of Judaism, bearing such a meager resemblance to our own practices that it is hard to understand how and when such a complete and radical transformation took place," said the Rabbi.
"For instance, in ancient times, Jews had a special day, called the Sabbath, in which they did not do any work," said the Rabbi, "Of course, such a notion may seem ridiculous to us, but apparently, living in a land of milk and honey called 'Israel' they could afford to take a day off," explained the Rabbi.

However not all the practices have any bearing to modern life, "It is written that the Jews were forbidden to cook the flesh of a young goat in his mother's milk," said the Rabbi, "Obviously such an injunction has no meaning to most modern people who live in the city and don't even have any goats."
"Numerous other practices may seem odd to the modern man," according to Rabbi Yoffie, "But the inner logic of the text makes it clear that at the time they did have some spiritual meaning," said Yoffie, referring to practices such as reading chapters of the ancient texts over and over again, year after year, "One would expect that after a while, people would get bored by the same book," said the Rabbi, who suggested that the lack of printing techniques and materials at the time could have been the reason behind this practice.
Another example is the observance of circumcision,



"This seems a most painful operation and in all likelihood was just meant as a metaphor for a concept that we simply do not understand at this time," said Rabbi Yoffie.
Although the interpretation of the texts is still ongoing and many issues remain uncertain, the Rabbi has already reached conclusions of his own, "After reading these texts it seems to me that somehow we have strayed a long way from our original roots. Judaism has many strict rules – not all of them understandable as of yet – but it is clear that the resulting picture is a far cry from our own permissive, Johnny-go happy attitude," admitted the Rabbi, who said that he believes the young generation will embrace this new, stricter version of Judaism, "As it turns out, Judaism has expectations and demands, but in return it enriches your life. If it is just convenience, then it is not worth anything," said the Rabbi who expects to lead Reform Jews on a new exodus, "From the land of 'anything goes', to the land of respect for our past and doing things the right way."

Related :
The original post from the Jerusalem Post with apologies to my Reform friends (although they already know that I believe there must be better ways to practice Judaism than throwing out the baby with the water…)



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Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Murder Not as Bad as Previously Thought, Says Israeli Government

ISL – Jerusalem
The Israeli Government is set to release more Arab terrorists in an effort to enter the Guinness World Records Book as "Most Irresponsible Government Ever". A special committee has been tasked with the mission of finding a way to surpass the current record from 1993, held by Saint Rabin's Government, the first in human history to import an enemy army, equip and finance it just in order to see what happens (answer – the enemy uses the weapons to kill your people and stashes the money in off-shore banks. Satisfied? Now , can we terminate this experiment already ?!?!).

Headed by Vice Prime Minister Chaim Ramon, it seems that the members of the committee are leaning towards re-defining the meaning of murder in order to allow the release of at least five hundred more Arab terrorists. Previously, prisoners "with blood on their hands" were disallowed from being released, a fact which, the committee feels, hinders the governments ability to carry out stupid and crazy policies, "If we would only go by the rule of the law and normal, common decency – we have no chance at getting the record," said Ramon, "Our hands our tied, so to speak, and there is also some concern that if we don't do something completely immoral and reprehensible in the next few weeks, the people will begin to question this government's commitment to misrule."

Fortunately for the government, recent research revealing that rape and non-rape are actually two sides of the same coin without any difference between them whatsoever, may come to its help, "From the research I gather that it is possible that being alive and being dead are also, contrary to popular belief, quite similar and perhaps even the same," Ramon said, "It follows therefore that causing someone to die, as in murder, is not that big a deal – after all we don't arrest people for causing life, do we?" asked Ramon, "And if we don't, then why are we picking on those that do the opposite, which is possibly the same, and cause death – is that really fair?"

Several members of the committee have already agreed with this line of thought, which has also been approved by the Attorney General, Mazoz, "Technically speaking there is a slight legal difference between being alive and being dead, but in the case of Jewish citizens, it is not enough to make a difference at least from the point of view of international law," said Mazoz, who clarified that by the same token, release of Jewish murderers of Arabs would be a gross violation of international law and therefore completely out of the question,



"If, as a result of such a release, some Arabs are murdered, the Israeli government can and will be held responsible for those unfortunate deaths in a court of law, so obviously that is a big no-no," explained Mazoz.

With the legal difficulties out of the way, and the moral dilemma rendered moot by recent academic research, it seems that the government will now be free to release as many Arab murderers as it wants.

The committee's hope for the world record for irresponsible government, however, relies on much more than the release of a few hundred murderers, "The release of a few hundred terrorists is of no consequence," Ramon said, shrugging off this remarkablely asinine feat, "This has been done before. However," Ramon continued, "We are hoping that with the terrible neglect of Sderot and the entire South, the handover of billions of dollars to the Palestinians as well as weapons and ammunition, and especially with the complete disregard of the Iranian nuclear threat, along with the release of the terrorists - Olmert may be able to break Rabin's record."
The committee has also issued a plea to the public to help it in its efforts to get Israel's government into the record books, "We are doing this for the whole nation," said Ramon, "It's not everyday an entire people has a chance to get into the record book so it's only fair to give the public a chance to pitch in."

Well, here is an idea:
Although St. Rabin did import the enemy army and equip it – he did so quite poorly. Perhaps now is the time to lavish on the Palestinians some real military hardware?
What about you, dear reader? Do you have any ideas how to help the Israeli Government get more Jews killed more quickly? Come on, think hard! Do your best, your country really really needs you – just not, necessarily, alive…

Related:
The original post from INN

A previous satire post on the same issue (somehow, this never gets old) : Israel Government Makes Gestures to Palestinians and Israelis in Honor of Holidays and another one for good measure. Take care!



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Monday, December 24, 2007

Presenting The Case for Israeli Academia

ISL-Jerusalem

Following the excellent piece of academic research we covered yesterday, and in the wake of the continuing strike of senior lecturers in the Israeli academia, we thought it would be a good time to evaluate, in the most serious manner possible (for a satire site) this important issue.
First what is the strike about? The strike of lecturers in Israeli Academia is about two issues: teaching and research.

Teaching: The lecturers are protesting the fact that they are obligated to teach six whole hours a week for two semesters. Each semester is about three months long which means that the Israeli University professors spends, on average, 144 hours a year - six whole days annually! - in class with the unwashed masses of ignorant students, "Turning these stubborn lumps of clay into functioning, left-wing human beings is a most difficult task," says Head of the Sociology Department in the Hebrew University, Professor Edna Ben Ari, "It's as if they are taught nothing at all in high school and we are saddled with the task of brainwashing them all over again."

"The lecturers do not object to this task," says union representative Professor Bar-Samcha, "They are just pointing out the simple fact that is impossible to expect them to produce high quality research while they are busy covering up for all the mistakes of the Israeli education system." Bar Samcha added that the lecturers are not compensated adequately for the amount of effort their teaching tasks demand from them, "The average lecturer gets paid only 750 NS for every teaching hour," said Bar Samcha, "This is a modest sum which does not include updating the course material every ten years, reading the materials before class, preparing the lessons, writing exams and checking them, reading student papers and other menial tasks which, due to time considerations, union rules, and " the matzav" have to be undertaken by inferior, inexperienced personnel such as undergraduate students or, in some cases, highly intelligent Labrador dogs."

However, the worst part about the strenuous teaching hours that are forced upon the lecturers by the current, unfair salary agreements, is that every minute in the class, is a minute lost forever to the world of research, which brings us of course to the second, major issue of this strike – research.
Academic research in Israel has reached an all time low in recent years, according to the striking lecturers:



Funds are scarce, new books and periodicals lay unread in the University libraries, and new important research is not being undertaken. "This is where it hurts the most," says Prof. Ben Ari, "When you think about all the research that hasn't been done, all the diseases of Israeli society, left unexposed, the inherent sickness of orthodox Jews which hasn't been investigated nearly enough, the warped and twisted and yet fascinating society of maniacal, murderous, blood-sucking settlers which has yet to be truly researched and exposed – when I think of all the work not being done because the country is unwilling or unable to allocate the necessary resources – I feel like crying," said Edna Ben-Ari.

"This is the main reason why we are striking- it is not about money, and it is not about us," says Ben Ari, "It is because we care deeply about this country and we know the only thing that can save Israel is more and better research – how else would we ever find out that Israeli soldiers are gay?" said Edna, "And what about all the vital questions not yet answered such as, 'Why don't Israeli soldiers kidnap Muslim boys, chop them into little pieces and make meatloaf out of them?' or 'When did the Jewish custom of killing Christian children and making Matzos out of their blood stop – or did it?' and so on – there are so many important issues to research that it simply boggles the mind that this country does not give us all the money we want immediately and then throws itself at our feet begging us to continue our research until it hurts them and then beg for more. Really, is it so hard to understand how important this is to the future of our society?"


Related:

Yesterday's piece, "Sociologist Uncovers New Israeli Abomination: IDF Soldiers Not Raping Arab Women!" if you haven't read it yet.

The original post from Mother in Israel that started it all.

An older post about the strike in Israeli Academia: World-Wide Anti-Israeli Efforts Slowing Down Due to Senior Lecturer's Strike

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Sunday, December 23, 2007

Sociologist Uncovers New Israeli Abomination: IDF Soldiers Not Raping Arab Women!

ISL – Jeruslaem

Finally, some good news for women: Israeli sociologist Tal Nitzan, conducting groundbreaking research, has discovered that, contrary to popular belief, getting raped and not getting raped feel exactly the same. The prize-winning research compared the experiences of women who were gang-raped by Serbian soldiers to the experiences of Palestinian women who weren't raped at all by Israeli soldiers, reaching the surprising conclusion that the experience of both groups of women is exactly the same, "This is why we have scientific research – to challenge our traditional beliefs and discover the truth, using the best political methods available," said Nizan, a graduate student in the Hebrew University.

Nizan says that the most difficult thing in the research was hearing firsthand about the horrifying experiences of the poor Arab woman who did not get raped, "The pain, the suffering and the sheer degradation of this experience is hard to believe," said Nizan,"For most Arab women, the scars of not being raped will never heal – this is just one more appalling by-product of the occupation."

In Israel, many were shocked and dismayed at the result of the research. IDF Chief, Gabi Ashkenazi, issued an apology to all Arab women for not getting raped and promised to conduct a thorough investigation as to the reasons, "Obviously, we are doing the best we can to encourage our soldiers to rape Arab women in order to avoid offending them," Ashkenazi said, "After all, as Nizan has pointed out, the reality of occupation is difficult enough without having to go through the life-scarring experience of not getting raped as well."

MK Galon from Meretz praised Nitzan and thanked her for uncovering this dehumanizing behavior, "This just proves what we've been saying all along – the occupation is corrupting Israeli society."
Galon went on to suggest



that Israel establish Non-Rape Crisis Centers in the occupied territories in order to treat the hundreds of thousand of women who have not been raped by Israeli soldiers, "It's the least we can do," said Galon.
However, others seem prepared to go one step further, "These soldiers should be investigated," said Ahmad Tibbi, "And if they are found guilty of not raping our women – they should be tried and sentenced for their crimes against humanity.
"We demand equality," Tibi said, "Our woman are just as rape-worthy as any other woman and besides, when we have the opportunity to rape Jewish women we do it, so why can't Israeli soldiers show some humanity, some compassion, and rape our women when they get the chance? What is wrong with you guys?" asked Ahmad Tibi.

Good question: what is wrong with us Jews?

What is wrong is that we are paying for this filthy piece of propaganda, thinly disguised as research, and that these researchers are currently on strike in order to get more taxpayer money in order to produce more political research, "proving" whatever cockamamie ideas that are currently acceptable by the world-wide moon-bat community.

In Hebrew they say that shit rises to the top. I guess that this research has, at least, proven that adage quite true. But it still wasn't worth it.

Big big hat-tip goes to Mother in Israel for reporting this and translating to Hebrew from Makor-Rishon.

Related:
World-Wide Anti-Israeli Efforts Slowing Down Due to Senior Lecturer's Strike


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Thursday, December 20, 2007

Saudi Arabia Turning into Haven for Western Human Rights Activists

ISL – Riyadh

"Saudi justice is a bit firm but at least it is consistent" says newcomer to the Muslim kingdom, Bret Singleton, who is emigrating "To escape the dark dictatorship of the evil Bush Administration."
Bret, a minor leader in the world-wide human rights movement is just one of thousands of Westerners who have decided they have had it up to here with the suppression of human rights and the silencing of dissent in their Western liberal countries, and are now moving to greener pastures, such as Saudi Arabia.
Brett admits that the fact that the Kingdom has just celebrated its 136th beheading this year was a slight turnoff, "Personally, and as part of my human rights beliefs, I'm against capital punishment unless it involves killing Republicans or Israelis or Evangelical Christians," said Brett, "But as an immigrant I don't feel that it is appropriate for me to judge the local culture or try to change it."

Stephanie Colcott, a leading Feminist from Seattle left the States just two months ago, "To escape the Patriarchial despotism of Western culture" as she put it, "I wanted to live in a country where women rights are respected and protected."
Stephanie says that Muslim culture has a great respect for her femininity, "As long as you dress appropriately and don't drive a car, and never go outside without a male escort from your family and don't get an education, and don't leave home to become independent, and don't put on make up or nail polish, and don't refuse an arranged marriage, and agree to have your genitals mutilated – you're fine."

The Saudi Justice Ministry uses beheading, cutting off of hands, whip lashing and stoning of criminals in order to impose a traditional Muslim order on the population. Surprisingly, these harsh measures have, in fact, been a major attraction for Westerners with a liberal outlook who are sick of the way Western democracies handle their domestic issues, "As a long time liberal and human rights activist I found Saudi justice to be a bit stern, at least at the beginning," said the new émigré , Michael Ashton, "But when you see how disciplined the population is, how obedient and orderly, you can't help but feeling that perhaps the Saudis have caught onto something."
Michael says



that after living in the country for a year he sees many aspects of Saudi life that can be imported successfully to the United States, " If we could cut off the hands and tongues of every Administration official that has lied to the people, and every opponent of Abortion, and all the wicked people that hate Al Gore and are ruining the environment just to spite him, then perhaps America could become once more a decent place to live in. But until then," said the former Amnesty chief, "I'll be staying right here, where I can be a free man."

Saudi officials say that they accept Western immigration with open arms although they make it clear that all newcomers must adhere to the local customs or else be punished severely.
Related to this is another requirement which not many immigrants are aware of, specifically, article 35B/c1 in section 456 of the Sharia code of law which clearly states that "Immigrants to the Kingdom are given one year to convert to Islam, if they have not already done so, on pain of death."
The officials disclosed that this minor clause in the immigration laws has never been a problem, "You'd be surprised how many people choose to believe in Allah and His Prophet Muhammad, once they are faced with the choice between Islam and death," they explained.

Actually, I'm not surprised at all, considering that is exactly how Islam spread throughout the world, including the horrific case of India.

Related:
Mere Rhetoric has you covered if you're a Feminist enraptured by Muslim culture. - Think again, woman.

Still not convinced? Try this chronicle of sadism against women in Islam by Kyle-Anne Shiver from IslamWatch

And Palestinian Women Terrorists First To Equality In Arab World - from yours truly.



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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Does the Nobel Prize Committee Discriminate Against Muslims?

ISL- Oslo

A new study is accusing the Nobel Prize committee of discriminating against Muslim culture. Conducted by Professor of Objective History, David Feldman from Berkeley University, the study compared the number of Nobel prizes won by Muslim individuals to that of other non-Muslims. The findings, according to Prof. Feldman are alarming, "Less than ten Muslims have won the prize since its inception, while it has been awarded to over 150 Jews," said the Professor who pointed out the discrepancy is glaring, considering that nearly a quarter of the world's population is Muslim while Jews make up less than one percent, "There can be only one explanation for this," said the Professor, "An underlying bias against Muslim culture."

According to Prof. Feldman, the Prize committee traditionally rewards individuals for their contributions to humanity, "But this was always judged by the subjective, humanist ideals which lie at the foundation of Western culture," says Prof. Feldman, "In other words, the Muslim culture, which has slightly different values can never be appreciated or rewarded by the committee."
Chairman of the Prize Committee, Johan Bjorg, responded by admitting that the Prize Committee may have been remiss in its considerations, "Normally we try to judge an entry on the degree to which it alleviates human suffering or increases human knowledge," said Bjorg, "But perhaps that is too narrow an approach."

According to Prof. Feldman the committee would do well to consider the exact opposite, "In order to be fully inclusive and multi-cultural, the committee should consider in a positive light the contributions of Muslim culture which are concentrated on advancing human suffering and increasing pain and agony in the world – only then could it possibly be considered fair and balanced," said the Professor, "After all, who are we to judge the merits of one approach over the other? Muslims have worked at developing different methods of murder and mayhem just as hard as the Jews have worked at inventing ways to heal their damage – it's just not fair to reward one contributing group and completely ignore the other," said the Professor.

If these suggestions are accepted, Prof. Feldman estimates that Muslims can close the "Nobel Prize Gap" with Jews within one generation, "If we give due consideration to the invention of the suicide bomber, the originality of killing civilians on their way to work, in buses, restaurants and coffee shops, the creative use of women and children in acts of mass murder, not to mention the sheer, evil genius displayed in the use of civilian airplanes to destroy buildings and kill thousands of people – then there is no doubt in my mind that the Muslims, if rewarded appropriately, can catch up quickly."


Well, sure looks like someone is getting rewarded for something (take a guess...), at least according to this very interesting post from the blog This Ongoing War:
"Giving foreign aid to terror-dependent regimes is an unbearably expensive deal"


Related:
Terrorist Tourism Spurs Recovery of Palestinian Economy
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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Israeli Poor Never Had it Better, Says Finance Ministry

ISL - Jerusalem

A devastating report from the Adva Center concludes that, although Israel has indeed grown wealthier, it has also grown poorer. According to the study conducted by Dr. Shlomo Swirski, nearly a third of Israeli workers earn the minimum wage or less and the number of poverty stricken people continues to grow.

Finance ministry officials responded to the report saying that it betrays a complete ignorance of the free market philosophy on the part of the authors, "Obviously the growth of the poverty sector in Israel indicates that there are many incentives in the marketplace which encourage Israelis to stop working and become poor," said Hanan Cohen, Director General of the Ministry, "This is quite understandable – for instance, it is much cheaper to become homeless and live on the streets at the expense of the tax paying public.Under these conditions, it is no wonder that the number of people choosing to do so is increasing," said the Director General, who called for stricter laws against the homeless.

Mr Cohen also said that many people have chosen to save money by eating out – mainly from dumpsters that are freely available, "Really, what are people complaining about?" said Hanan, "The trash in Israel is of the highest quality and our studies prove that the average dumpster can feed more than ten families annually."
The Director General proceeded to reprimand the poor for taking things for free from the state, "The poor don't pay taxes, they don't buy anything and, in fact, if so many people didn't chose to become poor, the Israeli economy would be in much better shape."

The Director General admitted, however, that the increase in poverty-stricken Israelis is unlikely to slow down, " Unfortunately Israel is a free market economy so it is illegal as well as harmful for the government to interfere in the occupational choices of the citizens – people have just as much a right to become poor as they do to become rich. It is a personal career choice and has nothing to do with us," said the Director General, concluding, "As long as people think it is better to be poor than to be rich than there is really nothing we can do about it except hope and pray that the 'invisible hand' of the market one day forces these people to become wealthy as nature originally intended. "

In the photo: The invisible hand of the free market shoves another Israeli into the dumpster.




Related:
The original report from the Adva Center

The article from Jpost.
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Monday, December 17, 2007

Terrorist Tourism Spurs Recovery of Palestinian Economy

ISL – Gaza
With the Palestinian economy in shambles and tourism in Bethlehem still in the doldrums, the outlook for a revival would seem quite bleak to the casual observer. However, in-depth knowledge of the situation on the ground reveals that hope is near as the Palestinians develop a new economic sector that shows great promise: Terrorist Tourism.

Background
As is well known, for the past fifteen years the chief economic sector in Gaza has been death, destruction and chaos. The first initiatives in this field, called "The Oslo Accords", were joint Israeli-Palestinian ventures and for many years they were underwritten by the Israeli tax payer and other donor countries. However, as disputes arose over the extent and the ultimate goal of this joint death and destruction project, cooperation in this area has floundered. Inevitably, this led to a downturn in the Palestinian economy which traditionally has relied exclusively on violence to sustain itself. This economic relapse has been exacerbated by the rise of the Hamas in Gaza, not because its violent ideology lacks in ambition or even execution, but rather because its unlimited scope and vulgarity have turned off timid foreign investors such as European donor countries who prefer to invest in a more dignified and elaborate program of genocide, such as led by moderate leader Mahmoud Abbas (who speaks English!).

The New Economy of Death
But the Hamas in Gaza did not give up, "Where there is a will there is a way," says Hamas Minister of Terror and Tourism, Mahmoud Nisa, "When we won the elections and all the money stopped coming in we asked ourselves: what can we do? How can we use the natural ability and inclination of our people to our advantage?"
Mr. Nisa explained that, like Israel "We have no natural resources except our people," and that a wise course of action would utilize these inhuman resources, "Since the only thing we are really good at is violence in all its forms, we decided to exploit that ability."

The result has been a surge in terrorist-related tourism," Terrorists come here from all over the world to observe and to learn," said the minister, "They like to tour the ruined Jewish communities and afterwards we let them shoot some mortars at the Israeli settlements in the Negev – a good time all around for everybody!" says Mahmoud.
The Hamas government is also offering unique packages for terrorist newlyweds, for terrorist families with children and also for families and individuals that do not consider themselves terrorists but would like to take a shot at the Israelis, "We charge double and triple for every round they shoot at the Israelis – and everybody goes home happy," says Mr. Nisa

Newlywed terrorists can get a special, surprise package, "We dress as Israeli soldiers and stage a kidnapping – we blindfold them, beat them up and keep them for a whole week in a small, dark interrogation cell without barely any food but lots of torture."
According to Mahmoud, the surprise package has been a raving success and hundreds of couples from Saudi Arabia, Iran and other friendly countries have signed up, "We have a three month waiting list already," said Mahmoud proudly, "And economically its great – we charge tens of thousands of dollars and give nothing in return except what we would be doing anyway – torturing people!"
Western tourism is also on the rise, says Mahmoud,



"Many leftists from the U.S. and Europe come here on our special anti-Semitic program – they will pay anything to take a picture with one of our fighters or shoot a gun at the Israelis, although there have been some unfortunate incidents," says Mahmoud, referring to the death of terror tourist Rachel Corrie.
But the real heart of the new tourist program has been the "Birthright Plan" which encourages Palestinians from all over the world to visit their homeland and claim their legacy, "We believe it is our birthright to kill Jews," said the Minister, "And we want to explain this to our countrymen who live abroad and who are forgetting their heritage – we fund their tickets and their stay here and they get a chance to reconnect with their roots – and some of them even remain here and go on to kill Israelis – I tell you it is so uplifting that sometimes I feel like crying," said the emotional Mahmoud, "What could be more touching than a Diaspora Palestinian returning to his homeland and killing a Jew? Doesn't it make you cry too? Don't you have a heart?"

According to unofficial estimate, tourism has risen three thousand percent since the Hamas has taken over in Gaza, and revenue from tourism and tourist-related activities will approach a few hundred million dollars this year, mainly from Iran and Saudi Arabia, "This is what we wanted all along," says the Minister, "To be an independent and self-sustaining people in our own land, living our traditional, simple lives of killing as many Jews as possible just like our forefathers did before us - is that really too much to ask?"

Related:
The Israel-is-stealing-Christmas story season is upon us - from Yourish

The Case Against Rachel Corrie from INN

Just What the terrorists need - more money - from Atlas Shrugged



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Friday, December 14, 2007

To the person who wrote a letter on his blog to the person who broke into his car

What is this about??
This was written in response to the beautiful post from Nuch Epes Ah Chosid who had his car broken into. He responded philosophically and quite forgivingly with a letter on his blog: To the person who broke into my car last night.
I felt that such a beautiful letter deserves a response from its intended receiver or at least from someone like me who can speak for him, so here it is:

Dear Nuch Epes Ah Chosid,
Thank for your kind words and understanding. You would not believe what kind of things people say about us. I have heard every known curse hurled at me at more than once and I have also been beaten while trying to do my job – which is being a small-time thief. The police harass us constantly and many times it seems as if the whole world is against us. I'm sure that as a Jew you know how that must feel.
People always lump us together, as if all thieves are the same. I ask you, are all Jews the same? Of course not. Same thing with us. There are good thieves and bad thieves and some, I admit, are downright evil.
As you noticed I am doing my best to be as polite and considerate as humanly possibly under these difficult circumstances. I believe that as a good thief I should serve my clients to the best of my ability and there are many more who think like me. Believe me – we are the silent majority! Most of us are good people so don't let the sensation-hungry media fool you!

You can imagine how, under these circumstances, your appreciation was most welcome. I wish we had more clients like you – people who understand how hard it is to be one of us, to be born into a tradition that you must carry on. I'm sure you understand - we really do not have a choice.
I am happy to hear that you will be getting some new and better accessories as a result of our "acquaintance" so to speak. If you need anything else stolen just ask. I specialize in car theft but, as it happens, I am currently looking to expand my services. If you need a burglary at your house or even arson I will be happy to oblige. Also, if any of your neighbors are bothering you or if you ever get into trouble with your landlord - I can take care of it so they'll never bother you again. If at anytime you ever need some high quality jewelery on the cheap (or clothes, electrical appliances and, of course - cars) -I'm your man.
Please talk about these matters with Moishe from your shul. He will know how to contact me.

Yours truly,
The nice person who broke into your car

Note: As of this posting the links to the original post on Nuch Epes Ah Chosid are dead. I hope it gets fixed soon.


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Thursday, December 13, 2007

Israel Announces Record Growth in Corruption Sector in Fiscal Year 2007

ISL – Jerusalem
The Israeli economy is continuing to grow at an astounding pace and with it one of the fastest growing sectors in the country: political corruption.
Spokesman for the government announced today that political corruption, including all parties in and out of the government, has seen a nearly twenty percent growth in the past year, up from eleven percent just a year ago, and up from the meager five percent before the Lebanon War.

Analysts attribute the unprecedented growth to Olmert's continuing mastery of his role as prime minister and the increase in experience his fellow ministers and himself have gained in the past two years, "Obviously when you start out in a new office it is difficult to recognize the opportunities and seize them," explained Olmert, who is considered the person largely responsible for the frenzied growth of the corruption sector, "But after a while you learn the ropes and you stop pressing and everything comes to you – and that's when our business really took off."

Although accurate financial reports from the various ministers are unavailable of course, experts estimate that the cabinet has netted a gross of 250 million NS for this year alone, a sum, which for obvious reasons, is also exempt from taxes.
This includes an estimated fifty percent raise in revenue from bribes compared to last year, along with raises in fixed government tenders, and vote buying. Sex with underlings has also risen by a modest 7.6% (Moshe Katzav, where art thou?). Lesser perks of all kind have risen and new ones have popped up, especially on the part of international parties, "The past year has seen a surprising growth in foreign investment in the Israeli corruption market," says Moshe Greenbaum, an analyst, "The European Union is a big player in the market as well as the American Government and of course the Palestinian Authority, although at times, it is difficult to discern who exactly is bribing who and for what purpose."

Politically, the willingness of the public in Israel and abroad, to invest enormous sums in government officials indicates a growing degree of confidence in the government's abilities to meet expectations analysts say: "Our motto is 'We always deliver'," said Olmert,"…If the price is right."

Israel is no stranger to political controversy and the issue of corruption in government is no different – some people think that it is wrong.
For instance, government comptroller, Michael Lindenstrauss went on record following the announcement, insisting that stealing from public funds or accepting bribes is, "Plain wrong, immoral and also illegal."
This extremist stance was also expressed by Attorney General Manny Mazoz who has tried to catch Olmert red-handed but, until now, to no avail,



"The legal system, which I head, will never agree to wholesale corruption, graft or breach of trust in the Israeli government - that is, unless we get our cut," said Mazoz.

Olmert however shrugged off the radicals, "Growth is growth" said Olmert, "Does it really matter how that growth was achieved? What is the point of making moral judgments in a matter that is obviously financial? In my view, they are bigots - being against corruption in government is no different than being against Jews or Blacks. It's just another form of racism."

"Anyway, I believe that no matter what you do there will always be naysayers," Olmert said, "I learned long ago that you have got to do what you think is best and what could be better for Israel if not a government that has initiative and a bold entrepreneurial spirit? " asked Olmert, "I mean, how can we ask that the citizens of this country stop waiting for handouts and start doing things for themselves if we, their leaders, do not show them the way?"
"It's called leadership by example," Olmert said, "Was it not John Kennedy who once famously said, 'Ask not what you can do for your country but what your country can do for you'?" asked Olmert, concluding, "We are doing the best we can. The question now is will the people follow our example?"


Personally, I hope that the people chose not to follow this particularly vile pied-piper.

Meanwhile the residents of Sderot wait for their government to recognize them: Sderot Under Kassam Attack again - from INN.


Related:
Olmert Accuses State Comptroller of Doing His Job

Olmert Indicted for Jaywalking; Faces up to Thirty Years in Prison


And finally a philosophical point of view for our times from Shiloh Musings. It's from last year but still very pertinent: "Are We Jews of Silence?" she asks. Worth reading (again).


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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Israeli Banks Fight Back: Invent New, Preposterous Commissions

ISL – Jerusalem
In the ongoing struggle between Israeli banks and their clients, the banks seem poised to strike yet another, decisive blow. This, after Head of the Israel Bank Cartel, Yoram Hamdan announced that the banks will publish tomorrow a new list of commissions, "Which will reflect the true costs that the banks incur every time a customer uses our services."
ISL brings you the list of commissions complete with explanations:

Entrance Commission:
This commission is intended to cover the financial expenditure incurred by the bank every time a customer uses its doors to enter the bank. According to Mr. Hamdan, Israeli banks serve thousands of customers daily, "You can imagine the kind of wear and tear this has on our doors," said Hamdan, "When we first installed doors back in the seventies they were dirt cheap and seemed like a good deal, but today, many of us regret putting them in," said Hamdan, "We would close them permanently but the customers have gotten used to banks with doors so we're stuck with them."

Standing in Line Commission:
The purpose of this commission is to reimburse the banks for lost income caused by clients hanging around the tellers' windows and bothering the banks' workers with incessant and unreasonable demands for service.
The damage to the banks' bottom line caused by customers drawing the attention of the banks' employees away from their work cannot be over estimated according to Mr. Hamdan, "Customers hang around the bank, stand in line, talk on their cell phones, complain loudly, walk around and generally create such a hectic, frantic atmosphere in the bank that it is a miracle anything gets done, "said Mr. Hamdan, " Somebody has to pay for this and it sure isn't going to be the banks."

Marble Floor Commission:
Intended to reimburse the banks for the wear and tear of the marble floors that are installed in every bank, "Customers who enter the bank have made a habit of stepping on our new marble floors, brutalizing the beautiful, expensive Italian marble to such an extent that we have to change floors in all our branches about once every two years," said Mr. Hamdan.

Air-conditioning Commission:




Air conditioning is good for the clients and also for the workers in the bank as Israeli summers can get fiercely hot," explained Mr. Hamdan, "However, the cost is prohibitive and after much consideration, our finest economical advisors have come to the conclusion that, in principle, there is no reason the banks should pay for it, if we can force the consumer to do so instead."

The Commission Commission:
The purpose of this commission is to reimburse the banks for the costs associated with publishing, collecting and processing the new commissions, "Until now the banks have done all of this at their own expense but it is obvious that our generosity is unappreciated and also financially untenable," said Mr. Hamdan.

The exact rates of the various commissions are not yet known and they will be divulged separately, upon demand, "It is the right of every customer to know how much he is paying for our services and we will enforce it ruthlessly," said Head of the Israeli Bank Cartel, "All the client needs to do is to file a request for a disclosure of rates and they will be sent to his home address in due time," said MR. Hamdan, who stressed, however, that there would be no point in doing so, "We change the rates of the commissions almost on a daily basis in an arbitrary manner, governed by a special computer program that no one understands," said Mr. Hamdan proudly, "So the clients would be better off just trusting us – after all we're doing all of this for them in the first place..."



Hat tip:
This post was inspired by a completely justifiable rant on Israeli banks made by Yehudah the gamester on his blog a few months ago. It took me a while to get to it but finally, here is the response.
There are a lot of things to like about the miracle that is Israel – but I don't think rapacious banks are one of them.



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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Are Settlers Human? New Study Causes Uproar in Israeli Academia

ISL- - Jerusalem
When physical anthropologist Prof. David Abergil decided to do his next research program on a community of settlers he had no idea that his findings would spark a furious debate in the scientific community, a debate which has caught the attention of the public and may even cost him his job.
"All I wanted to do was to study this phenomenon," said Abergil, who is an expert on primates and spent years following in the footsteps of Dian Fossey, studying gorillas in their native environment in Africa.
Now back in Israel, Abergil decided to study a settler community, "Like any other good scientists I came to this research with no preconceptions" said Abergil, "I knew that settlers were a species of primates and all I wanted to do was to study their habits."

However, after living among the settlers and studying them in the field for six months, Prof. Abergil was struck by the similarities between settlers and human beings, "Settlers are diurnal, just like humans," says Prof. Abergil, "And their eating habits closely resemble ours." Abergil also noticed that settlers will often watch TV or read newspapers, just like humans, "I have no doubt that they picked this up from us humans – they are great imitators, just like other primates," says Abergil, "But of course, they understand nothing of what they read."
But the professor is quick to point out that the settlers do communicate with each other in a rather complex language made up of vocal signals as well as gestures, "Combining the two, the settlers can communicate effectively with each other," says the Professor, who admits that he has yet to decipher the language, "Their language may be more subtle than has previously been thought."
But the most astounding finding concerns the appearance of the settlers. By chance, Abergil discovered that the hairy facial appendages, dangling from the ears, are removable and do not serve any obvious function, "Like the human appendix, they may be a throwback to a different age where they served, perhaps, as part of the courting ritual among settlers," says Abergil who determined that the odd-looking appendages can be removed without harm to the settler, "The result is a settler that appears nearly human, except for a round patch of fur surrounding the center of the skull on the male of the species."
However, Abergil found that this too can be removed, and in fact, settlers seem to remove it at various times, "Again, the function of this patch of fur is not yet known and obviously requires more research," said Prof. Abergil.

Nevertheless, his preliminary findings have been enough to convince the Professor that the settlers are of human origin, " I am not saying that I found the famous 'missing link' all I'm saying is that there is no doubt in my mind that they are homonids - closely related to humans - and that we cannot consider them like we do chimpanzees and other primitive primates," said the Professor.

Genetic testing, which is being done at the Weizmann institute seems to prove that settlers and humans have similar DNA to the extent that they can interbreed, "No one knows what would happen if such a thing occurred," said Abergil, "And most likely the result of such an unnatural union would not be able to survive in the wild but who knows – nature has given us the mule, so perhaps a combination of human and settler genes will produce a similar, semi-viable creature."

Meanwhile, the Professor's findings, published in the current issue of the Israeli Anthropology Association are being attacked from every direction possible.
Head of the Anthroplogy Department in the Hebrew University, Uri Neged said the finding are preposterous,



"Everybody knows that settlers are animals," said Professor Neged, "And when I want to read anecdotes about settler life I will open my copy of Haaretz."
The Head of the Department said that he suspects that Abergil does not read Haaretz and that he is out of touch with Israeli reality, "After years in the mountains in Africa there are many things that we take for granted in this department that Abergil simply has no clue about."

Others accused Abergil of getting too close to his subjects , "After six months in the wild, spending every single minute with the settlers, it is no wonder that Abergil lost his mind," said one anthropologist on condition of anonymity, calling Abergil's suggestion of a union between a settler and human, "Downright perverse."

Calls have been heard to strip Professor Abergil of his credentials. An editorial in the Israeli paper of record "Haaretz" called the research "irresponsible" pointing out that the public would be better served by other research projects such as investigating Israeli racism or the poor living conditions of the Palestinians, "Everyone knows that the settlers are the worst kind of pest imaginable – there is no need to study them further unless it is to find a way to exterminate them completely," said the editorial, "Academia would do well to remember that the research is publicly funded and direct their efforts accordingly."

But despite the attacks on his credibility, professionalism and sanity, Professor Abergil remains steadfast in his conviction, "Galileo was imprisoned and Darwin was ridiculed so the conflict between prejudice and science is nothing new. I know what I saw," says Abergil, "And I intend to stand by my research. Hopefully, one day, the public will realize that I am right and the settlers will be treated as they deserve to be – like humans."

Proponents of settler's rights, such as Orit Struk welcomed the research saying that it is about time that science set the record straight on this issue, "Anyone who spends some time with the settlers, and keeps an open mind about the experience, cannot help but be convinced that they are human," said Struk, "They are as gentle and caring with their young as any human and they can be quite intelligent too."


In the photo: A settler: Are they human?
Photo courtesy of Haaretz.




Related:
State accused of trampling human rights of settlers - from Jpost.

Mildly related, from yours truly:
Head of Settler Terrorist Cell Nabbed in Hebron




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Monday, December 10, 2007

Olmert Urges Soldiers to Defeat Cruel Enemy, "Like the Maccabim Did Before Them"

ISL- From an Undisclosed Army Base
In an exhilarating, powerful speech addressed to IDF soldiers on Hanukkah eve, Olmert has proven that he is willing to be just as forceful in war as he is in his struggle for peace.

Olmert spoke to troops who are training in the Judean hills for their next, unavoidable mission. Olmert spoke to the soldiers directly, reminding them of their proud heritage and urging them to be merciless in their pursuit of the enemy:
"As you know," Olmert said, "We are faced with a fierce, inhuman enemy, an enemy that opposes all our values and our very way of life. This enemy has no mercy and it will show you none, if given but half a chance. Always keep in mind what the Midrash said: 'He who is compassionate to the cruel will ultimately become cruel to the compassionate.'
You must remember this when you fight. War is not as neat as we would like it to be. Civilians casualties are expected and regretful. But remember that they are also necessary. In this case there really are no innocent civilians. Their children can and will be used against you. Their mothers and fathers are openly educating them to hate us and everything we stand for. Know full well that unarmed civilians support the enemy and are just as dangerous as a gun pointed at your head.

"This not the first time that we are going to battle against this particular enemy, as you well know," Olmert continued, "But we are hoping that perhaps, if we are bold enough, determined enough and unwavering in our resolve – this will be the last battle – for a very long time.
"But it is up to you –the rank and file of the people's army.
If you believe in this fateful mission like your forefathers, the Maccabim did, you will prevail. The Maccabim believed in a proud, independent Jew who bows to no one and they were fiercely patriotic. The Maccabim were also tolerant, just as we are, but up to a point. When they saw that their very way of life was threatened by foreign agents they did not hesitate to take up their arms and fight to the death for their beliefs. And that is what you must do today as well. Together with all the people of Israel, and in the name of our forefathers, I wish you success in your sacred mission. Remember, you are fighting for your very lives as well your way of life.

"So now go forth," said Olmert, " Take away the settler's weapons, and kick them out of their homes. Ruin their lives and destroy their communities and be victorious over your enemy - just like the Maccabim!"


Sigh.
Olmert, always getting everything confused and upside-down. Maybe the teachers were on strike at the time and that's why Olmert never learned the Hanukka story?


Related:
“He Who is Compassionate to the Cruel Will Ultimately Become Cruel to the Compassionate” – More than you ever thought possible to know about this midrash by Eliav Shochetman from Nativ.

The original articles from INN: Olmert Compares IDF to Maccabees of Yore and Judea and Samaria: IDF Rounding Up Jews' Weapons.

And some more on this from Boker Tov Boulder.
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Sunday, December 9, 2007

Former DM, Amir Peretz , Now Showing in TA as Female Belly Dancer

ISL – Tel Aviv
In an astounding turn of events, Former Israeli Defense Minister Amir Peretz, after being ousted from his position for mismanaging the Lebanon War, is now appearing in Tel-Aviv night clubs as a female belly dancer.

Peretz, a long-time leader in Israeli labor organizations became head of the Labor Party in the last elections and went on to head the Ministry of Defense where his shortcomings, namely, his innate stupidity, formerly known to only a few observant Israelis, became widely recognized.
But after all the upheavals Peretz , the man, not the politician, seems at ease with himself today: "At first I was devastated, I toiled endlessly for years on behalf of the ungrateful public, but after a while I realized that this was a blessing in disguise – finally I had the time and leisure to do what I have always dreamed about – belly dancing."

But first, Peretz had to relocate to his hometown, Sderot. The transition from a safe, sheltered life in Jerusalem and Tel-Aviv to the harrowing life in a border town under constant bombardment was difficult, "I was amazed at the transformation this town has undergone since I joined the cabinet a few years ago," Perez said, "It used to be a peaceful, friendly place, but it's become a living hell! Where is the Government in all this?" Peretz wonders.
Peretz also had some harsh words to the reigning Minister of Defense, Ehud Barak, "His completely irresponsible attitude has caused a flourishing city to die." Peretz said, " It is unbelievable that people here are risking their lives everyday and the government does nothing to protect them."

"Sure, what do they care," Peretz said in anger, " living so far away from the front, in a sheltered, pampered life – they're completely out of touch with the reality of everyday life," Peretz said.
As a result of his recent experiences, the former minister has become disgusted with Israeli politics where everyone takes care of themselves, and the poor citizens of the country are left to the mercy of Palestinian terrorism, "This would never have happened under my watch," Peretz said.

However, if you are hoping that Peretz will re-enter Israeli politics and rescue Israel from itself –

you are mistaken because Peretz says that he isn't coming back, "I know that I could save the country if I wanted to, but the truth is that I am much happier where I am right now."

And "right now" happens to be the "Blue Flamingo" strip club in Ramat-Gan where Peretz, dressed up as female belly dancer does his thing to the vast enjoyment of the club patrons, "It's not as glamorous as being a hot-shot minister but truthfully, this feels more like the real me and that's the only thing that matters," says the new, humble and down-to-earth Peretz.
The host introduces his act. Peretz adjusts his makeup quickly, hitches his skirt for the last time and bids us farewell, "The show must go one," are his final words as he enters the limelight once again, the small, early crowd applauding politely.

Thank God – at least one incompetent Israeli politician has found his true place in this world. Now, if we could only get Olmert to follow suit… I'm sure he has some talent, I mean besides lying and swindling. Hmmm…maybe he can tap-dance?


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Friday, December 7, 2007

Israeli Lobby Forced NIE Report, Desertion of Israel at Annnapolis

ISL – Washington
Following two major shifts in American policy in the Middle-East, officials from the Bush Administration have admitted that both changes were the result of intense pressure on the part of the Israeli Lobby – a multi-pronged, omni-present and omnipotent lobby of pro-Israeli individuals and groups who have been secretly steering American policy in favor of Israel's interests for decades– as described recently by Professors Mearsheimer and Walt.

According to sources, the infamous Israeli Lobby has struck again. First, in Annapolis, it forced the humiliation of the Israeli delegation:

"The Jewish attendees had separate entrance ways, service entrances and were refused the touching, or shaking of hands by the so called moderate members of the Arab world as if the Jews were lepers. Certain members refused to wear the translation earphones when Olmert spoke. "
(From Atlas Shrugged)
This was done, apparently, to lull the Arab delegations into a false sense of security which was later used to manipulate them into conceding nothing and demanding everything. As a result, Israel continues to be isolated and fighting for its very life - an ideal situation which enables the Israeli Lobby to continue to portray Israel as a Western democracy surrounded by ruthless enemies that wish to destroy it - a situation the lobby has exploited for years.
The powerful Israeli Lobby also appears to have had a hand in Condi Rice's statement, comparing the plight of Palestinian genocidal terrorists to that of Black Americans in the sixties, "I know what it's like to be caught with a suicide belt on your way to kill Jewish civilians," said Rice, "My ancestors had the exact same problem," she confided to the Palestinian delegates.
Rice later admitted that what she actually meant to say was,



"There is no chance of peace until the Palestinians rid themselves of the scourge of Anti-Semitism, adhere to the rules of civilized war as set down in the Geneva Convention and stop the senseless, racist murder of innocent Christians and Jews in Israel."
Rice also intended to address the issue of Anti-Semitism and the lack of democracy and human rights in the Middle-Eastern Moslem countries in general, including Palestinian territory.

Unfortunately, as she later admitted to her closest friends, the Israeli Lobby got to her and forced her to completely change her feelings and words, "It was terrible," Rice allegedly said, The Israeli Lobby used me like I was a tool, a tiny, insignificant cog in its machineries of world domination."

And if that was not enough, the Israeli Lobby forced the controversial NIE which exonerates Iran and precludes any American strike on the country, essentially enabling it to freely obtain a nuclear weapon and destroy Israel at its convenience.
This, after an intensive campaign by the Bush Administration, intended to force Iran's fanatic regime to give up its pursuit of a doomsday weapon: "The about face of the Bush Administration is so unexpected, so radical and so astounding that there can be only one explanation," said foreign policy expert Walt Mearsheimer, "The Israeli Lobby has done it again!"

Damn that Israeli Lobby – It's everywhere!

This reminds me of a joke I read in a Hebrew book of jokes compiled by Adir Cohen. The book is called "The Great Jewish Book of Humor" and it is well worth the purchase, especially as a gift. Anyway, it goes like this:

Two Jews are sitting in a coffee shop in Vienna reading the papers. One is reading a Jewish newspaper and the other an anti-Semitic paper. One Jew asks the other:
"How can you stand reading that anti-Semitic rag? Doesn't it fill you with disgust? Why do you even look at it?"
"On the contrary my friend," answered the other, "I actually enjoy reading this paper. When I read a Jewish paper I am filled with pain and agony, sorrow and anger: the pogroms in Poland, persecution in Czechoslovakia, hatred of Jews in Hungary, trouble in Romania, disaster in Bulgaria, violence between Arabs and Jews in Israel. My God, how many disasters!
"But when I read the anti-Semitic newspaper I learn that the Jews are running the world, rulers ofthe biggest companies, and they control and manipulate heads of state. I see that they are financial overlords with tremendous influence and I am filled with a boundless happiness and delight…"


Related:
A great editorial from Atlas Shrugged on the whole situation - don't miss it!

FresnoZionism has something to say to Condi: "You're stupid!"

Freedom's Cost has everything you need to know about the NIE that got away.





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Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Hanukkah Cancelled by Israeli Supreme Court

ISL – Jerusalem
In a landmark decision, the Israeli Supreme Court decided to cancel Hanukkah saying that it is unconstitutional, unethical and unhealthy.
The decision came after Badallah, representing justice for the downtrodden Muslim terrorist minority in Israel, argued that the state-sanctioned holiday discriminates against non-Jews who are not only prevented from celebrating because of their religious beliefs, but are actually referred to in holiday texts as "vicious, violent anti-Semitic brutes."
The attorney representing the human rights organization said that such a description is racist, dehumanizing and unacceptable in a modern, tolerant, multicultural society as Israel purports to be.

In the decision, the presiding judges, led by Head Justice Dorit Beinish, seemed to agree with this approach saying that Hanukkah is a primitive glorification of nationalist and religious violence, "which is the last thing this country needs to encourage, while it is in the midst of a historic peace process," said the decision.

The judges also said that the story of Hanukkah exhibits paranoid tendencies which also should not be widely upheld, "The idea that there are individuals or nations that are 'out to get the Jews', as described in the holiday rituals is preposterous; the idea that anyone would wish to exterminate the Jews or convert them wholesale is even worse and borders on lunacy," said the decision written by Beinish, who concluded, "Hanukkah is a racist, discriminatory holiday which encourages violence, nationalism, rebellion against authority, belief in the supernatural as well as paranoia, xenophobia and genocidophobia and as such it is contrary to everything this court stands for and therefore - illegal."

According to the decision the state will have to rescind funding of the holiday and halt its dissemination and practice or else change its content to make it acceptable and practicable by all minorities in the country.
For instance, one solution the court suggested would be to celebrate Hanukkah as "Festival of the Lights of Peace":




"Everyone can participate since everyone wishes Peace," said Beinish, who proposed the idea, "And each day the whole country can unite in lighting a candle for a different cause – the first day will be for Peace of course, but afterwards candles could be lit for repressed minorities such as Moslem and Christian and the Druze and Bedouin. The remaining candles could represent woman's liberation and the gay community. The significance of the last candle will remain a 'joker', to be decided upon each year by a multi-cultural panel of interfaith and cross-gender experts."

The Supreme Court has yet to address the sticky question of donuts and potato latkes, which will be discussed in an emergency session tomorrow.


Hanukkah – enjoy it while you can!!

Related: The story of Hannukah from the quite lovable Israeli Grouch.

See also: other posts from ISL in the Judaism category


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Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Israel to Release 56 Pyromaniacs in Goodwill Gesture Before Hanukkah

ISL - Jerusalem
The Israeli Government, which has dabbled lately in questionable good will gestures, has decided to extend them toward Jewish citizens as well. The first to enjoy the mercy and compassion of Olmert's government are 56 convicted pyromaniacs.
Spokesman for the government said that the decision was made in order to ease tension between the state and this disgruntled group represented by the Pyromaniacs Liberation Organization who's motto is "Black and Burnt is Beautiful".
In the past the group has torched thousands of acres of woodland in Israel, in an effort to alert the public to its plight, described by Chairman of the PLO, Yair Meged as, "A terrible aversion to all things growing and green and also to anything that is not on fire."

The humane decision, though, has caused outrage in in Israel.
Environmental groups, such as the Society for the Protection of Nature in Israel have been up in arms over what they term "The irresponsible release of known felons." Officials from the Society estimate that the number of forest fires will be tripled as a result of this gesture, "We have worked together with The Jewish National Fund in order to build the environment of this country from scratch and the effort of generations of Jews may be obliterated by this short-sighted, populist decision," said a Society spokesman.

In the Knesset, the Meretz Party has taken up the cause of Israel's greenery, "It is unthinkable that the government would threaten the ruin of uncounted trees and acres of scarce woodlands just in order to accommodate a crazy, fringe group of criminals, in the name of a shallow, post-modern ideology," said MK Zehava Galon. Meretz has gone so far as to issue a call to Israel police forces and wardens to refuse orders and not participate in the release of the pyromaniacs, "Civil disobedience in the face of criminal acts of the government is not only every Israeli citizen's prerogative – it is even their duty," said the liberal MK.
Joining in the assault on the government were radical activists from Greenpeace Israel who vowed they would burn Olmert's house down if his government actually goes through with the so-called gesture,


"The life and property of the Prime Minister, his family and anyone else who votes for the release of the sworn enemies of the environment are insignificant compared to the damage their decision will cause," said a press release signed by the group, "We will defend Israel's environment to the death and there will be no backing down," the group promised.

However, despite the public outcry or perhaps because of it, Olmert remains adamant that he will go through with the release, "We must stop the endless cycle of violence-crime-punishment that has bedeviled human society from its inception," Olmert explained, "And it behooves us to take the first step – we will terminate the punishment as a goodwill gesture and in return we are sure that the pyromaniacs will reform their ways and become fine, productive members of society."

Olmert explained that each released criminal will have to sign a sworn affidavit promising to never light fires again, "The signed affidavit is a major weapon in our fight against crime and it has proven to be most effective," said the PM.

Olmert proceeded to attack the "Dangerous, radical environmental groups who have no respect for the democratic process, do not understand the context of the decision nor the threat facing Israel society if the pyromaniacs are not released, "We must release criminals," Olmert thundered, "Or else, Israel will cease to exist."

Olmert has also instructed the police and the ISS to deal swiftly and harshly with the environmental activists who have threatened violence and incited the police to disobedience, "I am all for freedom of speech and I understand their anguish but issuing threats of violence, incitement and any other form of illegal activity will be punished to the full extent of the law," Olmert said, "Because if we do not uphold the law then what does that make us?" Olmert asked. "Obviously, without the law, our democratic society will break down immediately and therefore we have no choice but to defend ourselves in any way possible from the violence of the radical, ideological environmental groups such as Meretz and Greenpeace."

On a final, happy note, the government pointed out that the release of the pyromaniacs just before the Festival of Lights was planned as part of the official celebration of Hanukkah, "We wish a happy holiday to all the people of Israel, and this year we wanted to include the long suffering group of pyromaniacs who, we are sure, will appreciate the gesture," Olmert said.

Sigh.
Let me join our confused Prime Minister in wishing all my readers a Happy Hanukkah filled with candle light, sufganiot and latkes - and no fires!





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Monday, December 3, 2007

Ahmanedijad Promises to make Israel "A Light Unto the Nations"

ISL-Teheran
In a surprising gesture, radical Iranian President Ahmanedijad sent his best wishes to the Israeli Government on the eve of Hanukkah, the Festival of Lights. The President, who has continually voiced his opposition to the very existence of the Jewish state said that he understands that the Jewish people yearn to be "a light unto the nations" and that although the Jews have failed – quite miserably - in that endeavor, Iran has come up with the perfect solution: "If everything goes as planned, next time this year, Iran will help the Jews fulfill their dream of the ages – we will light them up, all six million of them, and then, at last, if only for a few brief moments, the Jews will truly be "a light unto the nations".

Israeli PM Ehud Olmert expressed his elation over the new attitude of the Iranian regime, "Obviously, the Iranian regime has been deeply affected by the understandings reached and the open, friendly atmosphere at the Annapolis Summit and it now wants to a part of the process instead of part of the problem."
Olmert invited Iran to open low-level, unconditional peace talks with Israeli delegates, saying, "We have never taken land from the Iranians so there isn't much we can give them back, but if they insist, they can have Transportation Minister Mofaz and I'm sure former President Katzav was wishing he was back in Iran…"

Olmert also said that under the new conditions set by the gracious announcement of the Iranian President, a strike to take out Iran's nuclear facilities is out of the question, "Clearly they want nuclear power for peaceful purposes and of course a strike now, when we are on the eve of a great diplomatic breakthrough, would be completely irresponsible."
Olmert also addressed the intriguing Iranian surprise planned for next year, "I love surprises and I'm happy the Iranian people are willing to work so hard to give Israel what must undoubtedly be a magnificent present but I can't stand waiting for a whole year," Olmert said, "The suspense will kill me."


It's killing us already Olmert, believe me!
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Sunday, December 2, 2007

PA Depilatory Commando Combats Terrorism in West Bank

ISL – Ramallah
In the first clear sign that the Palestinian Authority, headed by Mahmoud Abbas, has become sincerely engaged in the struggle of the civilized world against terror, the armed forces of the PA in the West Bank have begun a new, aggressive campaign intended to capture terrorists - and shave their beards off.

Professor Fathi Gamil, Head of the Hair Department in Bir Zeit University said that his research has proven that terrorism is caused by itchy beards," It is well known and even obvious that the combination of intense heat and facial hair can drive any man crazy, but until recently no one made the connection between this common everyday phenomenon and terrorism," said the Professor, "This also explains why Gaza has always been a hotbed of terrorism compared to the West Bank – the humidity there is terrible and the sand and salt irritates the skin further – it is no wonder that the Hamas has overtaken Gaza, since, until recently, they were the only ones with a practical solution to this problem – killing Jews," said Prof. Fathi.
According to Professor Fathi's ground-breaking research bearded men are five times more likely to be involved in terrorism than clean-shaven men. Results in a variety of research schemes and randomized samples have all yielded statistically significant results that prove beyond a shadow of doubt the close, some say even sinister relation between beards and terrorism.
To its credit, the PA has been quick to implement the findings of Palestinian science:


it has trained and formed a new unit of hardened barbers, equipped with the best mobile, electric shavers available and the practical combat techniques needed to overcome bearded men and shave them, "It's not an easy job," said Barber First Class (Bfc.) Ahmed Marzook, "We get up at the crack of dawn, do our morning exercises, consisting of a hundred practice trims after which we prep our shaving kits and go out to the mean streets of Ramallah or Nablus, searching for unshaved men."

According to sources, some barbers have been too zealous in the execution of their duties, attempting at times to eliminate bodily hair altogether, mainly by the painful process of extinguishing cigarette butts directly on the hairy skin of their "customers". This system has it drawbacks since there is a limit to how many cigarettes a man can smoke and it is also quite slow. In some cases this has resulted in outright violence and even death - frustrated barbers have been known to throw out their unwilling customers, even if, at the moment, they were on the roof of a tall building. The PA said that is looking into these incidents.

The Israeli Army is also watching the results of this experiment closely. Chief of Staff Ashkenazi has already admitted that if the results of the Palestinian test merit it, the army will train thousands of barbers for the dangerous mission of finding and shaving bearded Arabs, "Personally I never had a beard," said CoS Ashkenazi, "But I am beginning to understand that facial hair plays a much bigger part in the balance of power in the Middle East than we previously thought."


Related:
The original article from the Jerusalem Post


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