Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Israeli Banks Fight Back: Invent New, Preposterous Commissions

ISL – Jerusalem
In the ongoing struggle between Israeli banks and their clients, the banks seem poised to strike yet another, decisive blow. This, after Head of the Israel Bank Cartel, Yoram Hamdan announced that the banks will publish tomorrow a new list of commissions, "Which will reflect the true costs that the banks incur every time a customer uses our services."
ISL brings you the list of commissions complete with explanations:

Entrance Commission:
This commission is intended to cover the financial expenditure incurred by the bank every time a customer uses its doors to enter the bank. According to Mr. Hamdan, Israeli banks serve thousands of customers daily, "You can imagine the kind of wear and tear this has on our doors," said Hamdan, "When we first installed doors back in the seventies they were dirt cheap and seemed like a good deal, but today, many of us regret putting them in," said Hamdan, "We would close them permanently but the customers have gotten used to banks with doors so we're stuck with them."

Standing in Line Commission:
The purpose of this commission is to reimburse the banks for lost income caused by clients hanging around the tellers' windows and bothering the banks' workers with incessant and unreasonable demands for service.
The damage to the banks' bottom line caused by customers drawing the attention of the banks' employees away from their work cannot be over estimated according to Mr. Hamdan, "Customers hang around the bank, stand in line, talk on their cell phones, complain loudly, walk around and generally create such a hectic, frantic atmosphere in the bank that it is a miracle anything gets done, "said Mr. Hamdan, " Somebody has to pay for this and it sure isn't going to be the banks."

Marble Floor Commission:
Intended to reimburse the banks for the wear and tear of the marble floors that are installed in every bank, "Customers who enter the bank have made a habit of stepping on our new marble floors, brutalizing the beautiful, expensive Italian marble to such an extent that we have to change floors in all our branches about once every two years," said Mr. Hamdan.

Air-conditioning Commission:

Air conditioning is good for the clients and also for the workers in the bank as Israeli summers can get fiercely hot," explained Mr. Hamdan, "However, the cost is prohibitive and after much consideration, our finest economical advisors have come to the conclusion that, in principle, there is no reason the banks should pay for it, if we can force the consumer to do so instead."

The Commission Commission:
The purpose of this commission is to reimburse the banks for the costs associated with publishing, collecting and processing the new commissions, "Until now the banks have done all of this at their own expense but it is obvious that our generosity is unappreciated and also financially untenable," said Mr. Hamdan.

The exact rates of the various commissions are not yet known and they will be divulged separately, upon demand, "It is the right of every customer to know how much he is paying for our services and we will enforce it ruthlessly," said Head of the Israeli Bank Cartel, "All the client needs to do is to file a request for a disclosure of rates and they will be sent to his home address in due time," said MR. Hamdan, who stressed, however, that there would be no point in doing so, "We change the rates of the commissions almost on a daily basis in an arbitrary manner, governed by a special computer program that no one understands," said Mr. Hamdan proudly, "So the clients would be better off just trusting us – after all we're doing all of this for them in the first place..."

Hat tip:
This post was inspired by a completely justifiable rant on Israeli banks made by Yehudah the gamester on his blog a few months ago. It took me a while to get to it but finally, here is the response.
There are a lot of things to like about the miracle that is Israel – but I don't think rapacious banks are one of them.

Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter


Yehuda said...

I just had another bank experience today. OMG.

And as I was leaving, the guy leaving next to me was volubly cursing the bank, too.



satiricohen said...

I can't wait for the blog post!