Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Murder Not as Bad as Previously Thought, Says Israeli Government

ISL – Jerusalem
The Israeli Government is set to release more Arab terrorists in an effort to enter the Guinness World Records Book as "Most Irresponsible Government Ever". A special committee has been tasked with the mission of finding a way to surpass the current record from 1993, held by Saint Rabin's Government, the first in human history to import an enemy army, equip and finance it just in order to see what happens (answer – the enemy uses the weapons to kill your people and stashes the money in off-shore banks. Satisfied? Now , can we terminate this experiment already ?!?!).

Headed by Vice Prime Minister Chaim Ramon, it seems that the members of the committee are leaning towards re-defining the meaning of murder in order to allow the release of at least five hundred more Arab terrorists. Previously, prisoners "with blood on their hands" were disallowed from being released, a fact which, the committee feels, hinders the governments ability to carry out stupid and crazy policies, "If we would only go by the rule of the law and normal, common decency – we have no chance at getting the record," said Ramon, "Our hands our tied, so to speak, and there is also some concern that if we don't do something completely immoral and reprehensible in the next few weeks, the people will begin to question this government's commitment to misrule."

Fortunately for the government, recent research revealing that rape and non-rape are actually two sides of the same coin without any difference between them whatsoever, may come to its help, "From the research I gather that it is possible that being alive and being dead are also, contrary to popular belief, quite similar and perhaps even the same," Ramon said, "It follows therefore that causing someone to die, as in murder, is not that big a deal – after all we don't arrest people for causing life, do we?" asked Ramon, "And if we don't, then why are we picking on those that do the opposite, which is possibly the same, and cause death – is that really fair?"

Several members of the committee have already agreed with this line of thought, which has also been approved by the Attorney General, Mazoz, "Technically speaking there is a slight legal difference between being alive and being dead, but in the case of Jewish citizens, it is not enough to make a difference at least from the point of view of international law," said Mazoz, who clarified that by the same token, release of Jewish murderers of Arabs would be a gross violation of international law and therefore completely out of the question,

"If, as a result of such a release, some Arabs are murdered, the Israeli government can and will be held responsible for those unfortunate deaths in a court of law, so obviously that is a big no-no," explained Mazoz.

With the legal difficulties out of the way, and the moral dilemma rendered moot by recent academic research, it seems that the government will now be free to release as many Arab murderers as it wants.

The committee's hope for the world record for irresponsible government, however, relies on much more than the release of a few hundred murderers, "The release of a few hundred terrorists is of no consequence," Ramon said, shrugging off this remarkablely asinine feat, "This has been done before. However," Ramon continued, "We are hoping that with the terrible neglect of Sderot and the entire South, the handover of billions of dollars to the Palestinians as well as weapons and ammunition, and especially with the complete disregard of the Iranian nuclear threat, along with the release of the terrorists - Olmert may be able to break Rabin's record."
The committee has also issued a plea to the public to help it in its efforts to get Israel's government into the record books, "We are doing this for the whole nation," said Ramon, "It's not everyday an entire people has a chance to get into the record book so it's only fair to give the public a chance to pitch in."

Well, here is an idea:
Although St. Rabin did import the enemy army and equip it – he did so quite poorly. Perhaps now is the time to lavish on the Palestinians some real military hardware?
What about you, dear reader? Do you have any ideas how to help the Israeli Government get more Jews killed more quickly? Come on, think hard! Do your best, your country really really needs you – just not, necessarily, alive…

The original post from INN

A previous satire post on the same issue (somehow, this never gets old) : Israel Government Makes Gestures to Palestinians and Israelis in Honor of Holidays and another one for good measure. Take care!

Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

No comments: