Sunday, December 2, 2007

PA Depilatory Commando Combats Terrorism in West Bank

ISL – Ramallah
In the first clear sign that the Palestinian Authority, headed by Mahmoud Abbas, has become sincerely engaged in the struggle of the civilized world against terror, the armed forces of the PA in the West Bank have begun a new, aggressive campaign intended to capture terrorists - and shave their beards off.

Professor Fathi Gamil, Head of the Hair Department in Bir Zeit University said that his research has proven that terrorism is caused by itchy beards," It is well known and even obvious that the combination of intense heat and facial hair can drive any man crazy, but until recently no one made the connection between this common everyday phenomenon and terrorism," said the Professor, "This also explains why Gaza has always been a hotbed of terrorism compared to the West Bank – the humidity there is terrible and the sand and salt irritates the skin further – it is no wonder that the Hamas has overtaken Gaza, since, until recently, they were the only ones with a practical solution to this problem – killing Jews," said Prof. Fathi.
According to Professor Fathi's ground-breaking research bearded men are five times more likely to be involved in terrorism than clean-shaven men. Results in a variety of research schemes and randomized samples have all yielded statistically significant results that prove beyond a shadow of doubt the close, some say even sinister relation between beards and terrorism.
To its credit, the PA has been quick to implement the findings of Palestinian science:

it has trained and formed a new unit of hardened barbers, equipped with the best mobile, electric shavers available and the practical combat techniques needed to overcome bearded men and shave them, "It's not an easy job," said Barber First Class (Bfc.) Ahmed Marzook, "We get up at the crack of dawn, do our morning exercises, consisting of a hundred practice trims after which we prep our shaving kits and go out to the mean streets of Ramallah or Nablus, searching for unshaved men."

According to sources, some barbers have been too zealous in the execution of their duties, attempting at times to eliminate bodily hair altogether, mainly by the painful process of extinguishing cigarette butts directly on the hairy skin of their "customers". This system has it drawbacks since there is a limit to how many cigarettes a man can smoke and it is also quite slow. In some cases this has resulted in outright violence and even death - frustrated barbers have been known to throw out their unwilling customers, even if, at the moment, they were on the roof of a tall building. The PA said that is looking into these incidents.

The Israeli Army is also watching the results of this experiment closely. Chief of Staff Ashkenazi has already admitted that if the results of the Palestinian test merit it, the army will train thousands of barbers for the dangerous mission of finding and shaving bearded Arabs, "Personally I never had a beard," said CoS Ashkenazi, "But I am beginning to understand that facial hair plays a much bigger part in the balance of power in the Middle East than we previously thought."

The original article from the Jerusalem Post

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