Monday, December 24, 2007

Presenting The Case for Israeli Academia


Following the excellent piece of academic research we covered yesterday, and in the wake of the continuing strike of senior lecturers in the Israeli academia, we thought it would be a good time to evaluate, in the most serious manner possible (for a satire site) this important issue.
First what is the strike about? The strike of lecturers in Israeli Academia is about two issues: teaching and research.

Teaching: The lecturers are protesting the fact that they are obligated to teach six whole hours a week for two semesters. Each semester is about three months long which means that the Israeli University professors spends, on average, 144 hours a year - six whole days annually! - in class with the unwashed masses of ignorant students, "Turning these stubborn lumps of clay into functioning, left-wing human beings is a most difficult task," says Head of the Sociology Department in the Hebrew University, Professor Edna Ben Ari, "It's as if they are taught nothing at all in high school and we are saddled with the task of brainwashing them all over again."

"The lecturers do not object to this task," says union representative Professor Bar-Samcha, "They are just pointing out the simple fact that is impossible to expect them to produce high quality research while they are busy covering up for all the mistakes of the Israeli education system." Bar Samcha added that the lecturers are not compensated adequately for the amount of effort their teaching tasks demand from them, "The average lecturer gets paid only 750 NS for every teaching hour," said Bar Samcha, "This is a modest sum which does not include updating the course material every ten years, reading the materials before class, preparing the lessons, writing exams and checking them, reading student papers and other menial tasks which, due to time considerations, union rules, and " the matzav" have to be undertaken by inferior, inexperienced personnel such as undergraduate students or, in some cases, highly intelligent Labrador dogs."

However, the worst part about the strenuous teaching hours that are forced upon the lecturers by the current, unfair salary agreements, is that every minute in the class, is a minute lost forever to the world of research, which brings us of course to the second, major issue of this strike – research.
Academic research in Israel has reached an all time low in recent years, according to the striking lecturers:

Funds are scarce, new books and periodicals lay unread in the University libraries, and new important research is not being undertaken. "This is where it hurts the most," says Prof. Ben Ari, "When you think about all the research that hasn't been done, all the diseases of Israeli society, left unexposed, the inherent sickness of orthodox Jews which hasn't been investigated nearly enough, the warped and twisted and yet fascinating society of maniacal, murderous, blood-sucking settlers which has yet to be truly researched and exposed – when I think of all the work not being done because the country is unwilling or unable to allocate the necessary resources – I feel like crying," said Edna Ben-Ari.

"This is the main reason why we are striking- it is not about money, and it is not about us," says Ben Ari, "It is because we care deeply about this country and we know the only thing that can save Israel is more and better research – how else would we ever find out that Israeli soldiers are gay?" said Edna, "And what about all the vital questions not yet answered such as, 'Why don't Israeli soldiers kidnap Muslim boys, chop them into little pieces and make meatloaf out of them?' or 'When did the Jewish custom of killing Christian children and making Matzos out of their blood stop – or did it?' and so on – there are so many important issues to research that it simply boggles the mind that this country does not give us all the money we want immediately and then throws itself at our feet begging us to continue our research until it hurts them and then beg for more. Really, is it so hard to understand how important this is to the future of our society?"


Yesterday's piece, "Sociologist Uncovers New Israeli Abomination: IDF Soldiers Not Raping Arab Women!" if you haven't read it yet.

The original post from Mother in Israel that started it all.

An older post about the strike in Israeli Academia: World-Wide Anti-Israeli Efforts Slowing Down Due to Senior Lecturer's Strike

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Lurker said...

I couldn't find anything about gay Israeli soldiers on Mother in Israel's blog.

Lurker said...

'When did the Jewish custom of killing Christian children and making Matzos out of their blood stop – or did it?'

You've got it all wrong -- the latest research has revealed that, incredibly, the Jews, in fact, did not slaughter Christian children and eat their blood! This leads, of course, to an obvious question: Why in the world didn't they? New research by Prof. Ariel Toaff of Bar Ilan University has answered this question by recognizing that the Jews' failure to murder Christian children was an inherent part of the intense, deeply-ingrained, Jewish culture of racism and xenophobia: In their base hatred and ignorance, the Jews of Europe dehumanized their Christian neighbors, to the extent of adopting a bigoted, superstitious belief that Christian blood was somehow "not good enough" for matza that would be eaten by Jews. As a deliberate, spiteful insult against the "subhuman" Christians, the Jews spurned the use of Christian children's blood, and instead substituted it with water when baking their matza. The use of water as a symbolic substitute for Christian blood was obviously meant to signify that Christian blood is "as cheap as water". Imagine the shame and humiliation felt by generations of innocent Christian children, who suffered the stigma of realization that the Jews would never be coming to kill them -- and for no other reason than their crime of being Christian.

Thus, it becomes clear that by intentionally refraining from killing Christian children and taking their blood, the Jewish people have been brazenly demonstrating their prejudice and intolerance against Christians for centuries. And incredibly, this ongoing insult continues even today, in the supposedly enlightened 21st century. Needless to say, it is high time for the Jews to abandon their primitive custom of not using the blood of Christian children for their matza. A sincere apology to the Church would be in order as well.

satiricohen said...

" I couldn't find anything about gay Israeli soldiers on Mother in Israel's blog."

Sorry for that. I had the idea that one possible explanation for soldiers not raping would be that Israeli soldiers are gay but obviously I did not get that across.

As to the blood libel - I agree that I had it wrong - your lucid explanation is obviously the correct one!I found it hilarious. Thanks very much!!