Sunday, April 29, 2007

Diary of a Self-Loathing Jew (chapter no.2)

April, 29, 2007
I feel a little guilty today. It's not that I did anything really wrong, it's just that I slept with Samira, my secretary. In and of itself, that's fine. After all we are two grown-up, consenting adults and what we do behind closed (office) doors is our own f-ing business, no pun intended. Still, some people might be thinking that because we work together than this kind of relationship is inappropriate. Perhaps even some of you are thinking that this could be considered an abuse of my power. Let me assure you however, that I am the last person on earth to do such a thing – especially to a poor, oppressed Arab, and especially to such a lovely Arab woman, who turned out to be even sexier than I had imagined.

You know, it's really hard to tell about these Arab woman, underneath all those baggy ill-fitting sacks they wear, but I always had a feeling that they are as lustful as any woman and even more so, hiding their animal passion behind veils, their brown doe-like eyes peeking out, beckoning to me. How could I resist? She sure didn't, I mean the minute I closed the door and locked it she almost ran right into my arms. I say "almost" because she really was quite shy in the beginning, but I knew she wanted to. I could tell. You see I have an instinct for these things, and really, once I made it clear that I'm serious, she calmed down and turned out to be as great a lay as I have had since, well, come to think of it, my last secretary (She left suddenly – I never really understood why. Women! They're crazy!)
So, as you see, everything is fine except for one thing: I tend to be a little over-zealous in my love. I'm a passionate guy, as you can tell by my absolute devotion to the number one passion of my life– Human Rights – and when I'm in love (I can't believe I said that) then I can be a little rough. Anyway, to make a long story short, it seems that Samira kind of misunderstood my passion and devotion to her, for something entirely different. What's worse – she told her sister, who told her mother who couldn't shut her mouth and just had to tell her husband and, long story short, two of her brothers stopped by my office yesterday and claimed that I raped Samira and that the family must be "compensated". Of course I did no such thing – it was love pure and simple and I denied the allegations completely but they would have none of that, and in any case, even the slightest whisper of such an accusation would ruin me in the Human Rights community.
Marriage, obviously is out of the question – I'm not marrying an ignorant Arab woman who doesn't even have the sense to be grateful that the Deputy Director of Palestinian Human Rights for the whole West Bank and Gaza (yeah that's my title) honored her in such a manner, a woman who can't shut her mouth and is completely disloyal to her boss, her loving, caring
Champion of Human Rights For Palestinians boss I might add, a woman who cannot tell the difference between rape and passionate, if somewhat forceful love making. Nope, marriage is out of the question, for these and a million other reasons.
So they are now demanding money, and not a petty sum either. They want fifty thousand dollars to forget the whole thing. That is a nice bundle, and just about every penny I have in my savings account. Of course, no woman is worth fifty grand, much less an Arab who still lives in a tent. (I mean, for Christ's sakes people, it's the Twenty First century! )
But that's besides the point. I'm not giving them any of my own money. On the other hand, I don't mind giving them someone else's money, and that can be easily arranged. All I have to do is put together a new project for their village. We'll call it "The New Yasser Arafat Center For Human Rights Education" and we'll dedicate it to the memory of all the poor Palestinians who's right's are violated on a daily basis by the occupation. Yep that sounds more like it. We'll have classes for children and grown ups. We'll teach them what their human rights are and how to protect them, how to fight for their precious human dignity. Actually – it's not a half bad idea. The best part of course is that these thing take a lot of time and money, and if, accidentally on purpose, fifty thousand grand disappear into thin air, then nobody will notice. Arabs are notorious for misplacing money, and most likely nobody will care anyway.
Human Rights work can sure be stressful sometimes, but it is so satisfying.
Which reminds me - I have to find me a new secretary. I hope she has great legs.
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Five Palestinians Killed, Dozens Injured in Third Day of Anti-Violence Riots in Gaza

ISL – Gaza
In a series of anti-violence demonstrations reminiscent of Martin Luther King's historic "March On Washington", or Gandhi's famed Non-Violence Campaign to Free India, thousands of anguished Palestinians have taken to the streets protesting the unbearable violence in their society. Armed only with their own will power and grim determination, as well as machine guns and hand grenades, men, women and children from all walks of life marched through the streets of Gaza shoulder to shoulder, in an unprecedented show of unity between rival factions.
Trashing stores, burning cars and randomly shooting passers by, the wave of anti-violence protesters marched to the city hall where they were met for the third consecutive day by rows of determined, brutal policemen. Only after a bitter and prolonged gunfight were the non-violence protesters forced back.
Despite suffering severe losses, the protesters remain optimistic: "We are trying to change Palestinian society for the better and turn it into a more humane, peaceful society" said Fathi Salami founder of the newly formed United Palestinian Committee for Non-Violence "Fighting prejudice is never easy, and there will always be those who are entrenched in positions of power and oppose change for the good – it is those recalcitrant, self-serving politicians and bureaucrats whom we must find and kill in order to achieve our goal of complete and total non-violence" said Mr. Salami .

The UNPCV was founded in the wake of the deteriorating social conditions throughout the Gaza Strip where drive-by shootings, interminable blood-feuds, day-light robberies and spitting have become common place. Founder Fathi Salami praised Palestinian society for rising to the occasion: "The past days of protests have proven our resilience as a civil society" said Fathi addressing thousands of enthusiastic supporters " We have proven that we can rise above the petty, and selfish behavior of daily life and that we are all willing to contribute the time and effort needed to improve our society."
From the ensuing celebratory shots fired into the air two men were lightly wounded.
Palestinian PM Mahmoud Abbas called for a cessation of the non-violent protests claiming that his government is just as non-violent as the protesters and citing concerns that the blood supply as well hospital room in Gaza are reaching their limit as a result of the non-violent demonstrations: "Gaza has not seen such a blood-bath since the early seventies when Sharon cleaned us out" said Abbas "But, on the bright side, the Palestinian Organ Bank is getting richer by the minute."
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Israel Sweeps International Memorial Ceremony Competition

Israeli Delegation wins five gold medals, overtaking Japan and India in finals. Israeli Culture Minister: "No one can mourn better than we do". Sasha Bloom, winner of Gold Medal for Most Heart-Wrenching Lamentation: "This is the happiest day of my life".

ISL – Seoul
In a breath taking and suspenseful finish, Israel's finest overcame an early deficit to win four gold medals in the 26th international Memorial Ceremony Competition held in South Korea. Israel won medals for "Best Memorial Day Song" with the bitter-sweet "Why Didn't I Drive My Kid To School That Day" performed by Natalie, Best Memorial Poem with David Zinger's playful " Overflowing Graves", and Best Memorial Day Ceremony, for Israel's national memorial day ceremony at Herzl Mount won consecutively since the inception of the competition in 1973.
Israel's Minister of Education and Culture, Julia Tamir speaking in the Knesset on behalf of the government said that she was proud of Israel's magnificent showing, proving that if we, as a people, set our mind to something, especially mourning our dead, we will usually excel. Tamir commended the current administration for creating the conditions necessary for Israel to contend successfully in the tough, competitive field of memorial services:

"This government has proven that even a small country with limited resources can compete as equals with richer nations, especially when it comes to grief and unhappiness". Head of opposition Bibi Netanyahu praised Israel's achievements in the competition, but added that Tamir is taking credit for the work of governments past: "This government is reaping the benefits of policies that were put into place by my government back in 1996 " said Bibi " Not to mention the contributions of Rabin and Peres before that".
MK Meir Porush of United Torah Judaism said the real praise should be given to observing Jews throughout history who first developed and then preserved the fine tradition of untimely death: " If it wasn't for us Israel would have had no chance to win the competition." said Porush and added, resentfully: " Once again, ignorant secular Jews are taking credit for the achievements of their observing predecessors."
ISL correspondent notes that the Palestinian delegation walked away empty-handed from the competition after finishing last in all categories, and blaming the Jews for their humiliation: "Even when we kill them, they beat us" said the head of the Palestinian delegation, Ahmed Farsh who is rumored to be contemplating a return to his former career as terrorist: "At least it's something I know how to do well" said Ahmed.
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Settlers in Hebron "Peace House' to be sued by Israeli NGO for violating copyright on the word "Peace"

Spokesman for veteran Israeli NGO 'Peace by Lunchtime" says that the radical organization has filed suit in Israeli courts against the settler movement , seeking an immediate cessation of the flagrant and unauthorized use of the patented word "Peace", as well as damages incurred to the NGO's good reputation by the misuse of the term.

ISL - Hebron
In addition to facing an impending eviction, the settlers in the so-called "Peace House" may have yet to deal with another attack, this time from their historic rivals on the Left who plan to sue them for the malicious misuse of the word "Peace".
According to PBL spokesman Steve Goodfellow, the use of the word "Peace" by unauthorized personnel is strictly prohibited by the terms of the patent granted to the Israeli Peace Movement in the early seventies:

" Only we know what Peace really is, and only we can use it in it's proper form and meaning, which is, basically, that the State of Israel is a criminal entity and must be destroyed along with all Jewish inhabitants who do not have a valid passport of another country like any normal person has" said the spokesman, adding that the current misuse of the word by the occupying settlers in Hebron can only serve to confuse the meaning of the term in the eyes of the public: " Quite obviously, the idea of Jews buying a house and living in the same city as Arabs runs completely contrary to the well-established idea of "Peace" and therefore must be stopped immediately before the idea catches on, and more Jews move in to live with Arabs in the same cities or neighborhoods, thereby ruining any chance of true, stable Peace in the region."
Spokesman for the Settlers in the Peace house denied the charges against them, asserting that the word "Peace" is still in the public domain and can be used by anyone in anyway they wish: "As far-fetched as this might seem in today's climate, we believe that "Peace" means living with each other, Arabs and Jews, as good neighbors and that is what we have been doing here and plan to continue doing for generations to come" said the spokesman.
As of yet, no decision has been returned from the Israeli Supreme court in this grave matter.
ISL reporter adds that the hard-liner settlers from Hebron are well-known for their primitive outlook, and this is not the first time that they are trying to force their own idiosyncrasies on the whole country.

Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Diary of a Self-Loathing Jew (chapter no.1)

April, 22, 2007
Another Monday, another week. Most people hate their lives, hate going to work, and hate Mondays. I'm lucky enough to be different. I work in a great place – a Human Rights NGO, based in Occupied (Eastern) Jerusalem, with great people – lots of conscientious Jews, and poor, oppressed Arabs. We do our best to pay them back but we know and feel that it's not enough. For instance, in the beginning of the week I always make it a point to give Ahmad (I forget his last name, Abu-something, I guess) a great big human rights hug. I tell him that every time I see him in the beginning of the week my heart leaps with joy that he survived another weekend of occupation – soldiers sniping at innocent Arabs, settlers lynching them right and left– it's a wonder they survive at all! Ahmad always acts embarrassed, and shies away from me – maybe he's homophobic? – I don't blame him though – who wouldn't be under such conditions? Anyway, he's so scared of the Shin- Beth (Israeli Homeland Security) that he tells me that he is far more likely to get killed by a bullet from a Palestinian gunman in his town, than he is to get killed by Israeli soldiers who are too scared to shoot anyway. I play along , wink and tell him I understand.
Inside the building I walk briskly along the corridor – no time to waste in the struggle for human rights! - until I reach my small office, guarded zealously by the lovely Samira – my fetching Arab secretary. Between you and me, she can't type to save her own life, and she is as muddle-headed as any woman I have ever met – oops – mustn't let the feminists hear that kind of talk, can we? – but really, what should I do? How can I throw her out on the streets – and make her a refugee all over again? Is it her fault she has no education, and no brains? Of course not, it's the occupation. So I type up my own reports at home at night. I don't mind – that's what human rights are all about – it's the sacrifice we have to make in order to make this world better, isn't it?
At least she makes awesome coffee. I can't get enough of it. Yeah, one thing about these Arabs – they make great coffee. I really, really love these people. These poor, oppressed people. It just infuriates me to think of all their suffering, the humiliation, the condescension they have to face each day in our racist country. Armed with this anger, and the burning, passionate hatred of all that is Jewish and Evil , I begin my days work.
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Bishara: I Fled From The Wrath Of My Lover – Israeli Defense Minister, Amir Peretz.

In a surprising turn of events, the missing Arab Israeli Mk Azmi Bishara, re-emerged in a hastily arranged press conference, confessed a decades old affair with Peretz, and accused him of using his new-found authority as Defense Minister to harass and persecute him, after Bishara swore to end the relationship, because, as he put it: "I got sick of being screwed by a Jew."

ISL – Qatar Desk
After disappearing for weeks, and with rumors of his resignation causing political turmoil among Israeli Arabs, MK Bishara dropped a bombshell that is sure to wreak havoc among his Jewish colleagues as well, not least among them Israeli DM ,Amir Peretz.
This, after Bishara confessed to a decades old extra-marital affair with Peretz: "We met on his Kibbutz" said Bishara "me, an impoverished young boy, forced out of school to work in the fields of the kibbutz, and him, a short, stocky Jew, with curly hair and a devilish grin, in charge of picking bananas that summer - I felt I could not resist him."

Bishara embarrassed the battle-tested reporters with detailed reports of the intimate relationships between him and Peretz, pointing out that their emotional bond survived numerous obstacles throughout the years, including Peretz's own marriage to a woman: "I took it hard at first" said Bishara ' but I understood at last that Peretz was too ambitious to admit our affair, and to keep up appearances he had to marry and raise kids. I agreed to go along – because I knew that he really loved me. But now" sobbed the once proud Knesset Member. "Now, I know that it was all a lie. A vicious, Zionist lie!"
Bishara confessed that he came to this realization only recently; " Like many other paramours, I felt at times neglected, perhaps even betrayed, but when we met, he would give me a good spanking, and maybe spit on my face, and we would have violent love, and afterwards he would look me in the eyes and say "Azmi, I love you, you filthy Arab", and immediately all my fears and suspicions melted away, and we became one again."
Here Bishara stopped, and it seemed that he was wiping a few tears: "He just changed. I can't explain it – he, he , ever since he became Israeli Defense Minister he's just not the same person. He won't hit me, or whip me, he won't even curse me out, in fact he barely talks anymore – he's a shell of the man he used to be, I don't know, he couldn't make love anymore – he just stopped being a man. He said it's the job and all the pressure but finally I couldn't take it anymore, and I told him that it's finished, and then he went crazy."
"Agents followed me every where, my house was ransacked repeatedly, my phone was being tapped, and all my friends were scared away. I had nowhere to go, no way to escape this monster, except to flee the country, so here I am, once more a Palestinian refugee, a victim of a rabid, racist, Zionist, who fooled me, screwed me, and left me with nothing - no love, no home, no future, and a past that was nothing but lies."

Back in Jerusalem, Peretz vehemently denied the allegation: " This is just another Arab fantasy" said Peretz to reporters, "Woven, as usual, from the fabric of an overly active imagination, and an under-achieving, over-sensitive personality. I would never fall in love with an Arab" said an indignant Peretz
"Why, the very idea is absurd." Scoffed Peretz.
"That is to say, even if he did have a beautiful, olive complexion, and soft, supple limbs, and the most delicate touch imaginable – there is no way I would fall in love with such a man – I mean, even if he did have a delightful behind, and hazelnut eyes with just a fleck of emerald green if you look at them up close in the right light, like on a summer evening at sundown in the apple orchards of my kibbutz…Oh god, I miss you my Azmi!" concluded Peretz, who broke down, sobbing for a love that will never be, and perhaps, never really was.
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Monday, April 9, 2007

Israel Celebrates as Kidnapped Soldier Receives Secret Message

After months of clandestine operations and intense negotiations with shady middlemen , Israeli Security Forces have managed to pull off one of the most daring operations yet, namely, smuggling to the captured soldier a short, secret note containing an important message from the Israeli government.

In a short session with ISL correspondent, Benji Cohen, much-maligned Defense Minister, Amir Peretz, described the months-long operation as intensely dangerous and complicated, involving dozens of agents, double agents , and double-double agents, all of whom were tasked with the mission of going door to door throughout the whole city of Gaza until they found someone who knew where the kidnapped soldier was held.
"After we found that out, the rest was easy" said Peretz as he relaxed in his office "we cased the house for weeks until we were certain of the timings and patterns of his captors, and then we sent in our best man to do the job – he walked up to the window of Shalit's room, nonchalantly flicked the piece of paper, and coolly walked away."

"I can see Shalit now, reading the note" continued Peretz "And reveling in the sure knowledge that we still care about him, and that we are doing everything we can to ensure his quick return home".
ISL: Can you tell the public what was in the note? Did you give him instructions on his escape? What hope did you give him and how soon do you think we'll be able to bring him back home? In fact, if you knew where he was held, why didn't you send in Israeli Special Forces and got him back?
Peretz: As one of our prophets famously said, "The last shall be first". So the answer to the last question is that freeing Shalit in such a violent manner would simply be counter-productive. If our history has taught us anything it is that violence achieves nothing except more violence, and of course all we want is to end this circle of violence, so we must not, under any circumstances, engage in violence. Besides, can you imagine what such an operation, if successful, would do to the esteem of his captors? How would you feel if you kidnapped a soldier and had him taken away from you by force? Can you imagine the disappointment, the feeling of failure, the anguish? Who knows what they would do, how many innocent Israeli civilians they would murder as a result of such a trauma, and who would we have to blame except ourselves? No, no, violence will never do my friend.
ISL: Even if we could have had Shalit back by now, safe at home with his family?
Peretz: Even so. After all, one mans happiness cannot be held hostage to the fate of the whole peace process, which is, actually, the fate of our nation.
ISL: I see. So, can you tell us what was in the note?
Peretz: Absolutely. Actually, it was a short note, with a concise message of hope from the Israeli government to our beloved, brave soldier. Our experts in Psy-Ops thought long and hard about this until we came up with the perfect wording, something short and precise that represents what this administration is all about, something all the ministers, and perhaps all Israelis, including Shalit, can identify with, and even use in their daily lives. Care to take a guess?
ISL: I don't now, maybe something from the Sages, or a quote from the Bible. I have no idea. In fact, I don't even see the point of such a note.
Peretz: Exactly! You're too tense, and caught up in the moment. You're thinking about soldiers and guns, and death, when all you really need are just four, ingenious words: "Don't Worry- Be Happy"
ISL: That's it?That's the message?
Peretz: Great, isn't it? Of course it sounds a lot better after a joint. Would you care to join me? (starts to roll himself a reefer).
ISL: (sighing) Oh, well. I guess if you can't beat them, you might as well join them.
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Hirchson To Police: Aliens Abducted Me, Gave Me Money to Improve Israeli Society.

Israeli Police Spokesman: "Hirchson's tale sounds reasonable but must be verified",
hopes that the beleaguered Finance minister, accused of embezzling millions, will be cleared before aliens return.

ISL, Jerusalem Office
Israeli Finance minister was interrogated for eight hours today in Fraud Squad headquarters in downtown Jerusalem. The minister, accused of embezzlement, breach of trust, misappropriation of funds, and a bad haircut, emerged tired but defiant, reading a short statement to the press:
"Finally I have had a chance to tell the true story to the police. In brief, I was abducted by aliens, on my way to a political rally in Bet- She'an. A bright flash of light blinded me, and I was taken aboard their ship. They examined me endlessly, probing with their four, purple tentacles, and peering at me intensely with yellow eyes that never blinked. They interrogated me about our society and the political system, which, it seems, they could not comprehend. I answered the best I could, hoping to please them and escape with my life. I do not know how long I stayed on their ship. The next thing I knew I was back in my car, on my way to the rally – it was as if nothing happened, although countless days had gone by. When I returned home, I saw millions in cash, stacked neatly in my study, stuffed into envelopes. I knew for sure that the aliens had given me this money, to improve our society, and that, ladies and gentleman is the truth, so help me God."
Hirchson refused to answer any questions and he was quickly whisked away by his aides.

Police spokesman, Eli Habib, appeared after him and also read a prepared statement:
"Israeli finance Minister, Hirchson, was interrogated by Israel's finest for eight hours concerning allegations of fraud involving several institutions and millions of Shekels. The minister cooperated completely, and held nothing back. His story, although incredible, is not the most far-fetched one we have heard in these rooms, and stranger things have come true. We all remember when former PM, Ehud Barak, accused of illegal funding for his election campaign, claimed that he inherited the money from a deceased Palestinian suicide bomber who turned out to be his half brother by an illicit affair his long lost mother had when she was a captain in the Australian air force during World War two. This new discovery resulted eventually in his complete acquittal, so we all know how that turned out. Therefore, at this stage, despite very strong evidence pointing unequivocally towards the finance minister as the guilty party in this affair, including video evidence of numerous transactions, and confessions of all the parties involved including his own son, it is still our professional duty to check his story to the best of our abilities. I promise the Israeli public and its esteemed elected representatives, that we will do our best to locate and question said aliens, so that the innocent will not be unjustly accused, tried and convicted. "
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Thousands in Israel Suffer From Post-Seder Traumatic Depression

Ministry of Health spokesman released a statement yesterday warning the public of the probable outbreak of a new, psychological epidemic following the annual joyous celebration of freedom in Jewish families. The new mental disorder is named after the Passover holiday " Post-Seder Traumatic Depression" or by its acronym "PTSD" . According to health officials, symptoms include staring at the walls of your room for hours, incessant crying, general revulsion from human contact, including acute inability to speak or even see close relatives, digestive disorders, and a host of other physical problems stemming, most likely, from stress related reasons.
As of now, the dimensions of the epidemic are apparently quite large but still unknown. First cases were reported yesterday among young Israelis in Tel-Aviv, who were not able to return to normal functioning, even two days after the Seder. Soon, additional incidents were reported in other parts of the country, although it is not certain that all of them are connected, and reports of wholesale violence among relatives around the country seem exaggerated. At this early stage of discovery, the effects of the epidemic and its reach are still being determined, although it does seem quite certain that PTSD has hit hardest among young unmarried Jews.
Mina Levee, mother of three, accompanied by her still silently brooding son, agreed to speak with ISL correspondent, Benji Cohen:

ISL:Can you tell us what happened?
Mina: I have no idea – one minute he was having the time of his life, and the next he was crying. His name is David by the way– really, such a darling – works in computers and makes a fortune - but still unmarried! Would you believe? What's the matter with young people these days – at my age, I already had three kids, including him! Is it too much to ask from a child – your own flesh and blood to get married, have kids, make your mother proud? You're married aren't you? I mean what's wrong with him?
David: (whimpers pitifully)
ISL: So, you have no idea how this started?
Mina: Absolutely none. I'm shocked! My son is a horse! Print that will you? A horse! Never been sick in his life! And he makes a fortune! And he's single!
ISL: Can you describe exactly what happened?
Mina: Well, we were having dinner – this was after the first part of the Seder - and I was just introducing David to a wonderful girl – that's Becky, his cousin – they make such a lovely couple together you know, at least that's what I told Rivka - that's my sister, her family were at my place this year, as usual, but that's Ok I don't mind at all, I mean it's a lot more hassle and I do wish she would learn to make a normal gefilte fish, but really, I'm not complaining, I love her and her family and also David who really needs to get married, it's just a question of finding the right girl which is why I though that Becky would be perfect for him – she's so kind, and pretty, and a great cook, and I'm sure she'll be a perfect mother and wife, so really there was no problem, and they both have the same interests – she likes to cook and she's mad about children, and David likes to work on his computer, so really, what could possibly go wrong?
David: (Drools on himself)
ISL: Does he talk at all?
Mina: Of course he does! He can say momma and dada and pee-pee, and lots of other stuff, like I said, he works in computers, he's only 31, and he makes a lot of money. You should the car they gave him from work! Oy, and the presents, why just this Passover he got two bottles of the finest wine and so much chocolate, you could start a shop! Of course, I had to take it away from him immediately, chocolate makes him nauseous, not to mention the gas, and who needs that just before the Seder, right? I mean, how is he ever going to get married if he stinks the place up, you tell me huh? But really, he's such a fine boy, and so quiet, and gentle. He doesn't like to talk, so really, it doesn't make much of a difference anyway and he'll be fine soon, the doctors say, and Becky told Rivka that she likes him, so they'll probably get married before long - lucky thing I have the wedding all planned out already isn't it, and isn't love a wonderful thing? Who would have thought that two people would meet accidentally on purpose and Boom – they fall in love?
David: (Pees in his pants and starts to cry)
ISL: I think David has to go.
Mina: (sighs) He always was the naughty one. Kids! Can't live with them, can't live without them! Sorry for that, I guess we have to go change now, don't we sweetie pie?
David: (dutifully nods his head)
Tough, Seasoned, ISL Correspondent: (starts to whimper and shake all over)

Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Olmert Admits to ISL: "Not Enough Corruption in Government"

Promises to step up pace of bribery, larceny and fraud after Passover.

In an exclusive special holiday interview with ISL correspondent, Benjy Cohen, Olmert admitted that his administration is far from fulfilling his pre-election promises of full-fledged, across the board corruption in government. Here are some excerpts from the interview, which was conducted in Olmert's headquarters in the fashionable Blue Lagoon Massage Parlor in Ramat-Gan's Diamond District.

ISL: Prime minister, before the elections you promised a government that would be devoted to corruption in all it's possible forms. In fact, many experts predicted that you had a good chance to become the most fraudulent government in the short history of our country. Do you feel that you have fulfilled this promise?
Olmert: Well, yes and no. I think that we got off to a great start with the war in Lebanon – I do not think that we could have mishandled it any better than we did. Of course, dereliction of duty and malfeasance can hardly be called corruption, but still, it was a start.
ISL: True enough, but wouldn't it be correct to attribute the Lebanon Fiasco to the comically misguided efforts of the Minister of Defense, Amir Peretz?
Olmert; Well, without taking away anything from the heroic efforts of Peretz to lose the war in any possible manner, it was me after all, who appointed him to a position he was obviously ill-equipped to perform properly. Remember what they say – "Failure has many fathers, but success is an orphan"
ISL: Well, OK. But the mismanagement of the war can hardly be considered a groundbreaking failure or even a significant one – after all, the war on terror has been bungled for over a decade. The feeling is that the public expects more from it's elected representatives.
Olmert: That's true enough, and you know what – they deserve better. I promise that after Passover we will re-double our efforts in every possible aspect of corruption, from bribery, fraud and larceny to petty theft, sexual misdemeanors and plain old favoritism.
ISL: speaking of sexual misdemeanors, what's your take on the Ramon affair?

Olmert: Well, you have to love the guy – which one of us has not used his position to extort sexual favors from his underlings? I know I have, so I am not condemning him except for one thing – why kiss when you can rape? Haven't we learned anything from Yitzhak Mordechai? So Ramon could have done better, but still, I appreciate his efforts. I just wish we had more ministers like him.
ISL: You're disappointed with your cabinet?
Olmert: Well, to a certain extent yes. We all could do better. Why do I have only one Hirchson? We should have had at least five more scandals of that nature and scale.
ISL: What is going on with your Finance Minister?
Olmert: Well, he finally got caught that's all. He's been embezzling for years, why else would I appoint him to be in charge of the Treasury?
ISL: And why would you expect so many more scandals from your cabinet?
Olmert: Well, I know my people, believe me, none better. They have all been chosen for a reason, both by the public and by me, and the reason is it that they have proven to be the most capable, unashamed liars in their party or district. They say that dishonesty is the best policy, and that is the dictum I followed when appointing the cabinet. Obviously, where there is dishonesty, there must be some kind of corruption.
ISL: So are you saying that there is more corruption in your government than meets the eye? And if so , why are you keeping the lid on it?
Olmert: Well, to answer your first question – yes of course there's a lot more corruption, I mean we're not stupid you know – just deceitful. Your second question really hits a nerve. I think it's a combination of things. First of all, some of the ministers just don't want to be caught, it's as if they're ashamed of something, or afraid – I don't really know – and I'm having a difficult time convincing them to live up to their reputation and their own election promises, not to mention mine.
ISL: That's all?
Olmert: Of course not. Part of it is on us, but the police are also not doing a very good job at uncovering governmental corruption. They always seem to be too late, or too soon, and somewhat off the mark. Sure, they can uncover the tip of the iceberg but not much more than that. Personally, I don't trust them – I think they're on the take.
ISL: Whose?
Olmert: Well, really, who knows? Probably everybody's. I know I'm kicking in every month for a few thou' and that goes for at least some of my ministers. It's just the way things are - always have been, always will be.
ISL: Well, that seems quite an admission. I'm sure it will make the headlines tomorrow.
Olmert: I wish! We're getting a really bad rap from the press. They hate us.
ISL: Really? I thought that without the support of the press you would never have become prime minister.
Olmert: Well. That may be so, but that was then and this is now – they've turned their backs on me completely. I guess that some people – journalists for example - you just can't trust anymore. You know, it didn't used to be this way. I remember when you could really trust people, when a friend was a friend, and people said hello, you know, when things were easier, calmer. Who cared about corruption, embezzlement, fraud and all that, I mean, since when has the degree of corruption of the government become the sole measure of it's achievements? What about the economy, creating jobs, helping the poor, aiding the sick and the elderly? What about everything that makes us human, and worthy?
ISL: Well, actually, your government has failed abysmally in all of those fields.
Olmert (smiling): Of course, and I'm damn proud of it!
ISL: Ha-Ha! For a second there you had me going. I thought you wanted to turn the clock back, return to an earlier age of innocence, something like that.
Olmert: Really, want kind of idiot do you take me for?
ISL: A corrupt one?
Olmert: Well you got that right. Why would I want to give this up? I have everything a man could possibly need – beautiful women surrounding me, all the money I could possibly want or need, and of course the ultimate aphrodisiac – the power, the power to rule, to create and, if I wish, to destroy.
ISL: Destroy this country?
Olmert: Yes. I think about it a lot. I envy the Roman emperors, absolute rulers like Caligula who drove his country to insanity and destruction along with his own decaying mind, or Nero who burned his beautiful city to the ground. Imagine that! Can a man possibly be more corrupt than destroying the country of the people who chose him? I doubt it. For me that is the ultimate goal. After I finish with this country, no one will ever again doubt the sincerity of my corruption, nor my devotion to the ideal of a completely venal, immoral government.

At that Olmert ended our interview, his eyes gazing far into to the future, the gaze of a far sighted man, ahead of his times, or, perhaps the introspective gaze of a seer, a creative mind born once in a generation destined to lead men to their fates, inexplicably bound with his own, or perhaps, after all, no more than the empty, mindless gaze of a desperate old man sniffing coke off the white, silky thighs of the under aged, Russian prostitute lying down before him.
Who knows?

Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter