Thursday, June 28, 2007

Abu-Mazen Issues Call for Philosophers at Sharm El-Shiekh Summit

Fatah leader says: we need to learn how to think before we kill, and perhaps , one day we won't need to kill at all.

ISL - Sharm El-Shiekh
In a surprising keynote address, Abu-Mazen , President of the newly split Palestinian Authority accepted full responsibility for the fiasco which threatens to bury decades of effort put into establishing a viable state for the Palestinians.
"When I ask myself what went wrong, all I have to do is look across the border and see what the Jewish people did. While we were busy killing Jews, or killing each other or just killing people because they were there, they were thinking great thoughts and dreaming a dream of a nation that finally came to be reality," said Abu Mazen.
"What I want to know is this: where is the Palestinian Ahad-Ha'Am? Where are our great thinkers, people will vision like Herzl, Ben-Gurion or Borochov? Why do we not have our own A.D. Gordon or Pinsker? Why, every time a Palestinian has a vision, it turns out to be a vision of hell, a bloodbath of innocent people? I stand before you in all humility and ask you, my dear Israeli friends: send us your philosophers, your social scientists, your teachers, and dreamers and visionaries, for our own sake and yours as well. We are a sick people and we beg you for help."

In response to the sincere plea, an emotional Ehud Olmert, the Israeli Prime Minister, pledged that his country will give all the assistance possible and more:



"We wish for a vibrant, successful Palestinian state thriving alongside Israel. That is our dream as well as your own and that is why we will do anything in our power to assist you."
Olmert promised to immediately send more guns and ammunition to the Palestinian Authority , and also said that Israel will release hundreds of Fatah terrorists from Israeli prisons. "It's the least we can do," Olmert told Abu-Mazen, "and if there is anything else you need – tanks, heavy artillery, fighter jets – you name it – and it will be yours."
American Foreign Minister, Condoleeza Rice said, with tears streaming from her eyes, that she had never been so moved in his life: " Such honesty and openness are rare in the international forum. I feel Abu-Mazen's pain and understand him completely. We will resume shipment of first grade arms and ammunition immediately and we will supply his people with the best military training possible, and hopefully the Palestinians will soon be able to start living a normal life."



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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Oslo Peace Criminal Sentenced to Seven Years

Knesset sentences Shimon Peres to seven years of hard labor as President of Israel.

ISL –Jerusalem
For years right-wing Israelis have been trying to get their hands on one of the most notorious peace criminals the world has ever known – long time Israeli politician Shimon Peres, also known as "The Israeli Dorian Gray".
Peres is considered to be the architect of the disastrous Oslo Accords, a building, so to speak, which has collapsed more than once on its wretched inhabitants. Some sources point out that over a thousand Jews have been murdered since the accords were signed, while more than triple that number of Palestinians have been killed in their attempt to fulfill their part in the agreement – murdering as many Jews as possible.
Peres was rewarded the notorious Nobel Peace Prize, conjointly with the deceased international terrorist Yaser Arafat and murdered Israeli PM Yitzhak Rabin, for making life as miserable as possible for Israelis and Palestinians alike.

After years of futility, right wing parties finally got their wish –

in a near unanimous vote the Knesset decided to sentence the 83 year old Peres to a full term of hard labor as Israeli President. The term will last seven whole years with no time off for good behavior. As Likud leader, Bibbi Netanyahu, the mastermind of this brilliant political maneuver put it: " there is no way out of this for Peres , except death."
Peres meanwhile seemed in good cheer and denied having any regrets: " I would do it all over again if I had to. I only did what I thought was best for the country, and for myself, though not necessarily in that order," Peres said.
Peres faces a grueling schedule of plush banquets, meaningless ceremonies, and countless, pointless duties. As one observer put it: "If being President doesn't kill him from the sheer boredom of the thing, if not the physical effort, than nothing will. At least we will find out once and for all if he is human or not."



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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Olmert: Hamas Takeover – Opportunity For Peace With Settlers!

After years of dispute, Israeli government may be willing to talk to settlers.

ISL – Jerusalem
The recent takeover of the Gaza Strip by the Hamas movement and the consequent downfall of the Fatah are changing the political landscape in the area.
Today, the Israeli PM began making overtures to one of the most embattled groups in the West Bank – the Jewish settlers.
Olmert said that in view of the fact that Hamas is unwilling to make peace with Israel and insists on trying to destroy it, while Fatah, the Oslo stalwart, has lost all credibility as well as any real power: "We are left with no choice but to face the facts: we have no Arab peace partner," said Olmert, who based his election campaign on striving for peace at all costs. Today, Olmert says that he will continue to try to make peace with Israel's enemies, "even if they happen to be Jews."
Olmert singled out Jewish settlers in the West Bank as the most likely target for the next peace initiative:



"They live in the West Bank, and have a decades-long dispute as well as a lot of bad blood between us, just like with the Palestinians," said Olmert who is reportedly willing to offer the settlers their own state in the West Bank as well as hundreds of millions of dollars worth of weapons in return for starting to speak Arabic and killing Israelis, in the name of "Peace".
U.S. President Bush pledged his support for the peace initiative, saying that the U.S. government will support the settlers- as soon as they start killing Jews- with full battle armament for two divisions as well as a squadron of fighter jets "in order to get the new country off on the right foot."
Meanwhile, Jewish settlers were bewildered by the offers: " We don't want to kill Jews, on the contrary – we want to stop the killing of Jews," said Benzi Lieberman, head of the Yesha Council. Lieberman admitted however that there have been many disagreements between the two sides and that both could benefit from some form of honest mediation. Lieberman, though, was unsure that the time was right: "The Israeli government is not preparing it's citizens for peace with the settlers and until it does so the chances for success are bleak."
Lieberman pointed out that incitement against settlers continues in the education system and especially in the Israeli press. He also pointed out the Anti-settler legal campaigns conducted by the Attorney-General and the Israeli Police: "until these actions stop and we witness a true change of heart it will be difficult for us to believe that Olmert is sincere in his wish for peace."

Lieberman said that for the time being the settlers will continue the irritating Zionist activities which have been the basis for the dispute, such as serving in the army and protecting strategically vital areas by living there. Lieberman did say that the settlers will always be willing to talk with the Israeli government in order to realize the age old Jewish ideal: "Peace for (settlement of) Land."

Political analysts say that Olmert is expected to encounter much resistance to his radical peace plan. Senior Foreign Office officials who wished to remain anonymous already said that peace with the settlers is impossible: "How can we make peace with people who do not want to destroy Israel, who do not murder us daily, who do not educate their children to hate us? These are people who want a strong vibrant Israel, who are willing to serve in the army and sacrifice themselves for their country, people with a mentality so alien to ours that the gap between us and them is simply unbridgeable."
Olmert dismissed these remarks saying that he is a visionary: "In time, the people in the foreign office and the Israeli media will come to realize that we must make peace with our enemies, and we don't choose our enemies, they choose us.
"Mark my words," said Olmert, " in five years we will be sitting in Kiryat Arba, wiping real, authentic settler Kugel off our plates and behaving as if all those years of desperate fighting were just a bad dream!"


Inspired by a post on Freedom's Cost

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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

New Poll Up On ISL: Choose Your Favorite Terror Group!

The Palestinian terror structure is undergoing a drastic makeover due to the emergence of the Islamic flavor of the month - Hamas. Here on ISL we decided that this would be a good time to check out how the general, non-terrorist, spectator public feel about these changes.
How many of you have despaired of the Fatah group? Have you switched to the victorious Hamas? Or do you prefer the more radical, ultra-extremist, no-holds-barred, shoot-the- Jews- now-ask-questions-later "Islamic Jihad"? Maybe you like your terrorists brash and secular like the murderers from Az Adin Alkassam? Having a tough time deciding? Vote now on the sidebar. We even have a category for all you humorless, bitter Jews who just want to keep on living and spoil the fun for everybody.


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Monday, June 18, 2007

Hamas Wins Palestinian Olympics!

Hamas clinches victory with gold medal in Terrorist Tossing competition.

ISL-Gaza
Ten of thousands of jubilant Palestinians swarmed the streets of Gaza yesterday after Hamas clinched its first victory in the Palestinian Olympics, held every four years in June. The celebration erupted when Hamas sportsmen won the Terrorist Tossing competition after throwing a Fatah operative from the roof of the tallest building in Gaza. The operative, who was dropped from the 25th story, flew through the air for almost twenty seconds and dived gracefully into the pavement, creating a decorative stain on the sidewalk ten meters wide. The excellent toss earned the Hamas sportsmen a grade of 9.5 from a neutral panel of experts appointed by the Arab League.
Earlier in the day

Fatah sprinters won the main track event "100 mt - 5 km Dash to the Border" arriving far ahead of the Hamas track team which stopped to pray on the way and was allegedly ambushed by a Fatah patrol which proceeded to cut their legs off. The competition committee said that it will look into Hamas' allegations of unsportsmanlike conduct.
Other events included

"Free Style Shooting" which ended in a draw. Both teams shot up everything in sight with joyous abandon including hospitals, ambulances, women and children, patients, cars, buildings and each other. Informed spectators agreed that Palestinian free-form shooting has reached its apex in this year's Olympics.
In one of the most intriguing events "Moral Gymnastics" a host of competitors dueled furiously. Contestants included Archbishop Desmond Tutu, The Media, Palestinian and Israeli politicians. However, as in former years, the well-oiled media machine pulled away early and earned once again a resounding victory over its bitter rivals, Truth and Integrity.

ISL experts add:
The Palestinian Olympics are intended to express the unique Palestinian culture, developed throughout dozens of years of incessant larceny and murder. They are attended by more than a million spectators and broadcast worldwide. They are considered a major boon to the Palestinian economy which relies on the income to buy much needed weapons and ammunition for the poor and sick.


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Sunday, June 17, 2007

Deep Ideological Differences Drive Civil War in Gaza

Viewers world wide have seen the bloody carnage in Gaza, but how many of us know what is actually going on? Can we really say that we understand the deeper issues underlying the civil war in Gaza? Do you know what the fighting is all about? If not , then ISL experts are here to help. Covering satire in the Middle East for over two months, ISL offers original and thoughtful analysis that rivals and even surpasses other satirical outlets such as the BBC.
In order to go beyond the obvious and attempt to understand the forces driving the violence , we interviewed Professor Yoel Strickman, from the Middle East Satire Research Institute (MESRI):

ISL: Glad to have you with us Professor. Let's start perhaps with an update from Gaza – what's going on there now?
Prof. Strickman: We just received a report that five more Fatah operatives were beheaded after being tortured. Their bodies are being mutilated as we speak.
ISL: Wow. How do you explain such inhumanity?
Prof. Strickman: I think it happened because they got caught. Not all Fatah operatives have managed to escape from Gaza.
ISL: Obviously. But why would anyone do such a thing? Where does the hatred come from?



Prof. Strickman: Well, it is well known that Fatah and Hamas are bitter ideological enemies. They will fight for their beliefs to the death, their own death or others.
ISL: What are these beliefs?
Prof. Strickman: Fatah was formed in the Sixties order to destroy the state of Israel and replace it with a Palestinian State.
ISL: OK. What about Hamas?
Prof. Strickman: Hamas is an Islamic movement which has vowed to destroy Israel and replace it with a Palestinian State.
ISL: Actually, they sound quite similar.
Prof. Strickman: It is true that the layman may have some difficulty in discerning the differences between the two movements, but believe me – there are many.
ISL: Such as?
Prof. Strickman: For starters, Fatah is willing to talk to Israelis before killing them. This is something that the radical Hamas cannot accept. Hamas wishes to kill Jews without talking to them beforehand. It's a completely different philosophy of destroying Israel.
ISL: I see. But can that cause so much passion? Enough to hunt down and murder each other?
Prof. Strickman: Of course not . There is more, much more. For instance, Fatah is willing to accept weapons from Israel in order to later use them to kill Israelis. Hamas refuses to do so, and it will only kill Israelis with weapons that it has bought or stolen by itself.
ISL: Hamas seem to be quite a prideful lot.
Prof. Strickman: They are fiercely independent. Like Fatah they want to destroy Israel and kill all the Jews but they insist on doing it their own way.
ISL: As does Fatah.
Prof. Strickman: Fatah isn't so dogmatic. For instance they are in no hurry to destroy Israel. They seem to be taking their own good time, while Hamas can't wait to get their hands on those Jews.
ISL: Fatah have certainly done their share of killing Israelis.
Prof. Strickman: Of course. But they're not passionate about it like the Hamas. Fatah will kill a few Jews and then return to the negotiating table, accept more money, weapons and some territory and then kill some more Jews. For Hamas the resulting delay is extremely irritating.
ISL: But basically they both want the exact same thing, so why can't they cooperate?
Prof. Strickman: It's too late for that. Hamas are convinced that Fatah isn't committed to the destruction of Israel. On the other hand, Fatah feels that Hamas just wants to kill Jews for its own pleasure, without having to bear the responsibility of lying to the Israelis and the international media about their real intentions.
ISL: So it's a matter of trust – there just isn't any trust here.
Prof. Strickman: Correct. Trust has been lost, and there's nothing they can do about it now.
ISL: Except kill each other.
Prof. Strickman: Of course. These days, Arab-Islamic culture has no appreciation for the nuances of negotiation and conflict resolution. Killing is much more decisive and also fun.
ISL: Fun?
Prof. Strickman: Well, they must be enjoying it, or else why would they keep doing it over and over again?
ISL: Maybe it's just force of habit? Maybe they can't stop, even if they wanted to?
Prof. Strickman: Are you saying that I'm wrong?
ISL: Well, I just thought…
Prof. Strickman: Because if you are, I'll have to kill you.
ISL: What? What the…
Prof. Strickman: Just kidding. But it does get to you, all this killing. I mean, maybe they do have something over there? Why talk and argue and squabble endlessly over every trivial, minute, idiotic detail? Who cares really? Why argue each other into the ground when we can kill each other this very instant? Why, right now I could smash your head in with this cane. I could gouge your eyes out with my pencil, and then I would rip...
ISL: Yes, well thank you very much Professor, I think you've been watching too much Palestinian television. I must be going now, we have um, er…to go …now. Bye.


Inspired by Melanie Phillips at the French hill blog





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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Fatah Security Official Resigns After Receiving 40 Bullets in the Head

ISL-Gaza
Jamal Abu Jediyan, a top Fatah commander was forced to resign yesterday after Hamas members expressed their dissatisfaction with him by hunting him down and riddling his body with bullets.
Spokesman for the former official said that Jamal handed in his resignation shortly thereafter: "Jamal realized that it was time for him to leave his post and continue on to better things," said the spokesman, "Jamal worked very hard and always did his best to serve the Palestinian people but sometimes your best is just not good enough."







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Thursday, June 7, 2007

Perversion Week in Jerusalem: More Events Approved By Supreme Court

Masturbation Rally at the Kotel, Pedophile Parade approved - Orthodox and Gay organizations unite to protest abominations.

ISL –Jerusalem
In another controversial decision, Israel's Supreme Court ordered the Jerusalem Municipality to permit several additional events for International Perversion Week, to be held in two weeks in Jerusalem. The first appeal to be approved was that handed in by The Society for the Prevention of Children, who won their appeal and will be allowed to hold "The Worlds Largest Public Masturbation Event " at the Western Wall. Chief Secular Justice , Mrs. Beinish said that the decision was proof that Israeli society has finally freed itself of thousands of years of Rabbinical tyanny: "We are a free people and we can masturbate wherever we want." said Beinish.
Head of the SPC, Harold Itchbach said that he hopes the rally will encourage more people to masturbate instead of having sex and making more children: " everywhere we look we see that people are at the root of society's problems – violence, poverty, inequality, racism and many more ills are known to be caused by people, and we believe that the only realistic way to deal with this is to masturbate. Masturbation is not only fun, it is also a moral obligation of every citizen who really cares about the future of humanity."
The Pedophile Parade will also continue as planned after the Supreme court rejected the governments appeal. In the decision, Justice Beinish said:


"Pedophiles are human beings too, and deserve the same rights as anyone. I am sure that if I was born a Pedophile, I would molest children too." Pedophiles from all over the world are expected to attend the first ever Pedophile Parade to be held in downtown Jerusalem during Perversion Week. Local parents will be advised accordingly. President of The Israeli Pedophile Union ex-convict Rafi Ginsburgh, said that he was relieved by the decision: " We fulfill a difficult and thankless role in society , and it is about time that our contribution is recognized by society – after all, if it wasn't for us, hundreds, perhaps thousands of children would go unmolested every year, and where would society be then?"
The Bestiality Bash was denied, on the grounds that the municipality does not have the facilities necessary to accommodate hundreds of animals. The Rapists Rave, Wife Beaters Gala and the practical demonstration planned by the three remaining members of The Suicide Society all still await decisions by the court, expected to be handed down tomorrow.
Meanwhile, the decisions have been protested adamantly by several groups, most notably religious ones joined by the "Open House" , organizers of the original "Gay Pride" events which later became the model for "Perversion Week". Yariv Opel , a founding member of "Open House" said that he is embarrassed by what has happened to the Gay Pride March: "We began the march in a good and just cause – the long-time suffering of a persecuted minority, but our cause has been taken over by fringe groups who are, let's face it, cruel, immoral, illegal and downright disgusting."
Yariv said that gay groups will not participate in perversion week: "being gay is not a perversion, we don't feel a part of such an abominable event," and instead will protest the events in a large rally organized by religious groups, "we will march proudly, hand in hand with our orthodox brothers," said Yariv.
Orthodox organizations welcomed the support of the gay population acknowledging that their backing shows that even sodomites realize that there is a limit to what society can tolerate: "If the gay community would have listened to us ten years ago, we would not be faced with the current abomination" said Rabbi Nakar, one of the organizers of the Anti-Perversion Rally, who expects tens of thousand of gay participants alongside hundreds of thousands of orthodox protesters: "we are working closely – but not too closely, of course - with the gay community to assure the success of our mutual protest." said the Rabbi.



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Monday, June 4, 2007

PA to Crack Down on Illegal Terrorists After Work Accident Kills Three

ISL – Gaza
Three terrorists were killed yesterday in Gaza after mishandling explosives intended for an attack on Jews. The deaths follow several similar incidents in the past few weeks and have sparked a harsh response from the Ministry of Genocide. The Ministry, responsible for training and licensing all terrorists in the Palestinian Authority territories, condemned the dead operatives, claiming that they were working on their own, without training, and without a license to own, assemble or use explosive devices in order to kill Jews: "The regulations are clear and well-known: only the government can train and license terrorists, and this is exactly the reason why" said Mohhama Atta , spokesman for the Ministry .
Mr. Atta said that the ministry will crackdown on unlicensed terrorists in order to put a stop to the self-inflicted carnage which has given Palestinian terrorism a reputation of unprofessionalism:



"accidents like these have caused other terrorist groups such as Al-Kaeda to look down on us, and as a result, we are embarrassed even to show up at professional conventions" said the Spokesman, who admitted that getting the Palestinians to recognize the rule of law and behave in a civilized manner has been more difficult than anticipated: " the members of our society are used to killing Jews whenever they want, in whichever way possible, but now that we have our own government in a self-ruled territory such behavior is no longer acceptable. If we want a functioning, civilized society, we have to get used to killing Jews in a modern, civilized manner" said Atta, who hopes to model the Palestinian society on the example of the efficiently run German state of the Third Reich, "whose members would never dream of killing Jews without formal training and prior authorization".
The Ministry's intentions to crackdown on independent amateur terrorists has been met with derision by the members of these groups who seem reluctant to give up their traditions, or as one such entrepreneur put it: " We don't need the government to tell us how and when to kill Jews. This is just another attempt to regulate a business that has thrived in the free market, in order to tax us. The government should stick to it's job which is making the streets safe for our children " said a free lancing terrorist who refused to identify himself, "why, just yesterday an armed gunman stormed into a grocery store in our neighborhood and killed two children in an attempted robbery – I tell you, it's just not safe here anymore, people have become animals," lamented the liberal terrorist.

inspired by the article at Eye On the World
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