Sunday, July 29, 2007

Israel Initiates Peace Talks With Atmosphere - Following Heat Wave

Israel offers "Land For Peace" deal in return for milder climate.

ISL – Jerusalem
Following days of intense, suffocating heat causing several near deaths to innocent civilians, the Israeli Government announced its willingness to sit down with the Atmosphere "and get serious" about resolving the conflict between the two sides: "Every year in the summer the conflict flares up and old wounds and disagreements boil over and hurt innocent people," said PM Olmert who vowed, "That for the sake of our children we will do anything to reach a lasting, enduring peace with the Atmosphere as soon as possible."
Yariv Oppenheimer, Director of Peace Now and other luminaries in the Israeli Left applauded Olmert's initiative, although Yariv said that he hopes "it is not too little too late. We have been urging peace with the atmosphere for decades and we are glad that the Israeli mainstream has finally come around to our view. The question is: can Olmert make enough concessions to make peace an attractive option for the Atmosphere?"
And that is indeed the question:

Hawkish Minister of Strategic Affairs, Avigdor Lieberman, has already said that he opposes any sort of deal with the Atmosphere, "For once, let the other side make the first step. If the Atmosphere is sincere in wanting peace, it will renounce the heat wave immediately and promise never to do such things again!"
Olmert is said to have offered the Negev and parts of the Judean Desert as well as arms and ammunition to the Atmosphere in return for a cessation of hostilities. The offer has been passed on by top Israeli meteorologists who are acting as intermediaries for the government. No word yet has been received from the Atmosphere on the proposal.
Moshe Fieglin, head of Jewish Leadership in the Likud said that only a leader who believes in G-D will be able to deal with the Atmosphere in a way that will guard the interests of the Jewish people and "in any case," said Fieglin, "the Atmosphere is part of G-D's promise to Abraham as revealed in Genesis Chapter one, verse one, " In the beginning God created the heaven…" and as has been interpreted by the sages (see commentary on Heavanly Tractate, chapter 79, page 2, Rashi and others, as well as prominent Zionist Rabbis in Eretz Izroyel who have already signed a petition to that effect.)
Bibi Netanyahu, speaking as opposition leader and running against Feiglin for the Likud Chairmanship, said that evacuating the Negev and part of the Judean Desert for a so-called "Peace with the Atmosphere" will be a security disaster and will likely be an even worse catastrophe than the unilateral pullout from Gaza, although, Bibi clarified, "That does not mean I will vote against such a proposal when push comes to shove..."

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Monday, July 23, 2007

Bush Announces "Is Israel Too Stupid to Survive?" Conference

Conference called after release of terrorists by Israeli government. International panel to hear dozens of scientific reports, results said to be "disturbing".

ISL – Washington
Bush announced yesterday a new Middle East international conference which, for the first time in decades, will not be concerned directly with achieving peace but rather with a much more vague and difficult subject : "Is Israel Really Too Stupid to Survive?"
This issue has been raised over the past years by many foreign observers as well as some Israelis but interest has reached a peak since Olmert became Israeli Prime minister whose governments behavior has raised much speculation and, finally, much scientific research.
This research, conducted by dozens of teams all over the world will be presented to the President of the United States who is considering the value of an alliance with a regime so stupid, it makes the common cockroach look good.
ISL, using its dozens of well-placed sources offers a preview of the research conducted by experts all over the world:

In China a team of researchers tried to compare the survival reactions of a group of randomly chosen Israelis to that of cockroaches, also randomly selected from the abundant supply. In the experiment, cockroaches were approached by their natural enemy – man, and the Israelis were approached by theirs – the Arab terrorist. Using delicate instruments, like their eyes, the Chinese scientists were able to record the following results – the cockroaches immediately ran away, while the Israelis approached the armed terrorists with smiles and offered them guns and ammunition.
The Results: in this experiment nine out of ten Israelis died and one was severely wounded while all the cockroaches managed to escape! The results were duplicated many times but still remain a mystery to Chinese researchers, who cannot believe that human beings lack the intelligence of insects.

In the world famous Israeli Weizman Institute of Science similar experiments were conducted. In one of them a group of secular Israelis was confronted with an armed terrorist. Their reactions were compared to that of a deer and separately a bear, faced with an armed hunter. A control group of Jewish settlers was also used.
The Results: the deer immediately ran away and the bear attacked the hunter who missed his shot and narrowly escaped death. The secular Israelis praised the terrorist's courage and ideology, and many were shot. Out of a group of twenty Israelis, ten were killed and five severely wounded. The remaining five who miraculously managed to escape, ran over to stop the settlers who attacked the armed terrorist, overwhelmed and killed him. Several settlers were wounded in the ensuing scuffle, refusing to defend themselves against their brethren.

In another ongoing experiment at the Weizman Institute, a group of rats were put in a specially constructed scientific contraption called
"The Oslo Maze", consisting of a bewildering labyrinth of lies with only two exits. The first had a false piece of cheese which emitted a delicious and alluring smell. But behind the false cheese a ravenous cat was lurking. The second exit did not have any cheese but also no cat and the mice who reached it were set free. A group of Israelis was placed in a similar maze also with two exits. The first had an irresistible but false sense of peace, behind which lurked a group of genocidal Arab terrorists. The other exit had no peace and also no death. Israeli who reached there were set free.
The Results: In the group of rats - two rats were killed before the rest of the group learned their lesson and retreated back into the maze. Eventually they found their way out through the second entrance and gained their freedom. The group of Israelis quickly made their way towards the false sense of peace and in the first rush many were killed by the terrorists. More Israelis were killed in the second, mad, senseless rush and even more in the third and the fourth. The Israelis that remain in the maze today are still trying to get out by the same exit. None of them have made any attempt to retreat back into the maze and find a different exit and it seems they are doomed, unable to detach themselves from the fantastic smell of false peace, even when it costs them their very lives.

And the list goes on and on – the Israelis compared unfavorably with ants, ostriches and chickens, as well as any other group of human beings. The results are clear and yet numerous questions remain unanswered such as: Will stupidity be the downfall of the renewed Jewish state? How were the Jews smart enough to survive thousands of years, re-establish a state against all odds, and yet, seem too stupid to sustain it? Is this stupidity genetic or environmental? Does it spread from the head (Olmert) down or vice versa? Will the next generation be just as dumb or dumber? Will we never, ever, ever, ever learn for heaven's sake?

Yes, I'm still ranting about this.

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Sunday, July 22, 2007

Israeli Government Offers New Grotesque Lottery to Jewish Citizens

(Warning: This is gruesome and not for the weak hearted!! I'm in a foul mood!)

Upon releasing nearly two hundred convicted terrorists, Israel renews the "Death Lottery", Israeli citizens excited, prizes galore, Israeli Arab human rights NGO protests.

ISL – Jerusalem
The highly unpopular Israeli government made its first steps in rehabilitating its tarnished image by "giving the people what they want: fun and games," said the newly installed Secretary to the Prime Minister, Ovad Yehezkel.
In this game which has been initiated by various Israeli governments in the past decade and a half, Israeli citizens participate in a so-called "Death Lottery" in which every Jewish citizen has an equal chance to get killed or maimed for life by an experienced Arab terrorist, released, armed and trained by the Israeli government, and also win great prizes such as being honored as a victim of terror on Remembrance Day, receiving a monthly disability stipend amounting to almost one thousand shekels (220$, before taxes), a choice cemetery plot at a fifty percent discount, free hospital treatment for wounds received in the lottery including years of free rehabilitation and more!
"No other government offers its citizens the excitement and sheer insanity of the unknown like we do," said Mr. Yehezkel,

"and the beauty is that participation is free and not limited to age – even a seven year old can win!"
Mr. Yehezkel also assured Israeli citizens that the government spared no effort in choosing and releasing only the best, most accomplished terrorists in order to ensure the success of the lottery, "this way lots of people will have the chance to win," said the Secretary, "and no one will be disappointed."

Upon hearing the good news ISL reporters immediately pounded the streets of Jerusalem searching for the down to earth, real-time reaction of Israeli citizens. Here is what some of them had to say:

Rivka a somewhat overly excited student from Rehavia:
"I can't wait to get shot at! Just imagine – my name mentioned in a formal government ceremony! Its so exciting! You know, a friend of mine got blown up in a bus a few years ago – she's so happy! It changed her life completely, she used to dance and go on hiking trips and she dreamed of being a tour guide, and now she gets to sit all day in a wheelchair! Does it get any better than that?"

Shlomo, a clerk said:
"I think this is a great idea. The excitement and tension can already be felt. It keeps us on our toes – we wonder will we get blown up now, riding this bus? Will it happen in a restaurant? Will I die or become a cripple? This helps up take our minds off of life's small nuisances that sometimes annoy us so much, such as "Did the light turn red?" or "Did I forget to pick up the kids?" and trivial stuff like that. This way we know that none of these things really matter."

Meanwhile Adallah, the principle Arab human rights organization in Israel, vowed to challenge the new lottery in court in view of its blatant discrimination against Israel's Arab citizens, " this time the racism inherent in the State of Israel cannot be denied," said spokesman for the NGO, Mr. Dabil, "we demand equal rights for Arab citizens, including the right to this lottery and all the great prizes it offers! It is an outrage that Arabs have again been excluded!" screamed Mr. Dabil who added that he will not rest until Arab Israelis are treated just like Jews are, "and even better! We believe the lottery should be fixed so that Arabs have an even better chance of winning to make up for all the years of discrimination!"

Am I crazy bitter about this and this? You bet I am. And I'm getting it all out of my system right now. Here's another take: Bush Announces "Is Israel Too Stupid to Survive?" Conference.

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

New Ruling Forces Silvan Shalom Withdrawal From Likud Race

New election rule states that candidates for Likud leadership must possess a semblance of ideology, Silvan resigns from race in protest

ISL – LikudLand
In a controversial move, the Likud Elections Steering Committee ruled that candidates must express some kind of world view. The ruling, quickly dubbed "The Silvan Rule" came after Silvan embarrassed the party in the previous elections by running on an empty platform, under the slogan: "A Vote for Shalom Is A Vote For Somebody".
Israel Katz, head of the committee said that such a platform would not bother anybody "except that 10 percent of the Likud members voted for such an empty-headed proposition, making all of us look bad."
Shalom is married to Judy Shalom Nir-Mozes, the flashy heiress to Israel's largest tabloid "Yediot Ahronot", who is credited with being the mastermind behind Silvan's political campaigns and his carefree slogans including "Shalom Is Totally The Best" the leading motto from the 2002 campaign, and also "Shalom – Something Something" from Silvan's unsuccessful drive to head the local P.T.A.
Katz said that after Silvan's withdrawal only two candidates remain, Netanyahu and Fieglin both of whom can complete more than two sentences in Hebrew although only one of them can do so without changing his mind in the middle….

Inspired by the article, from INN, via Menorah.
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Monday, July 9, 2007

Israeli Government to Sell Its Jewishness for War on Terror

Crafty Jewish maneuver befuddles anti-Semites world-wide.

ISL – Jerusalem
For decades the Israeli government has sought ways to combat Palestinian terrorism in an effective manner. Despite possessing a clear military advantage, Israel always seemed to end up defeated in the realm of public opinion where pictures of Israeli attacks on innocent Palestinian terrorists have turned world opinion against us, as witnessed in the Second Lebanon War.
However, now, due to a brilliant Halachic discovery, Israel's troubles may be over. According to leading rabbinical authorities it is possible for the Israeli Government to sell its Jewishness to a gentile government just for the duration of the military operation. This way, the government itself and all its operative branches, all judges and soldiers for instance, will be non-Jewish while combating genocidal Islamic terrorism and therefore, hopefully, they will be allowed to operate without the special scrutiny accorded by the media to people who are not Muslim, European, Asian, Latin, or African.
First reports indicate that

this original tactic has had the desired results.
After the government sold its Jewishness to Micronesia, a field test was undertaken last week in Gaza. Israeli forces carpet bombed the village of Beit-Hanoun, the launching site for most of the mortars aimed at Sderot, and the village along with all its inhabitants was annihilated with no casualties suffered by Israeli forces. Foreign media representatives who were brought in to oversee and document the operation displayed indifference, while others were confused:
"But are they Jewish or aren't they, that's what I want to know," complained BBC correspondent Alan Booger who almost began taking pictures of the charred remains. But the Chief Army Rabbi swiftly intervened, clarifying that the soldiers and all the ordinance used in the attack were definitely, legally, non-Jewish, "And I have the certificate of sale to prove it," said the Rabbi passing around copies to the media.
After giving it a close examination even the knowledgeable and skeptic reporter from the New-York Times was convinced, stating that Non-Jews killing Arab civilians is a non-issue: "I'll get fired if I report such incidents," said the reporter, a sentiment greeted with quiet agreement.
"Me too. I say let's split" said the Reuters correspondent.
"No Jews- No News," said the head of the six man team sent by the Guardian.
"Well, if you don't care neither do I ," said the reporter from Haaretz, heading back to the bus and joining more than sixty media personnel who made the long way into the desert in search of a story that never materialized.

In other parts of the world reactions were similar. The U.S. State Department issued a statement attributing all violence in the area to the lack of U.S. special envoys, and vowing to send one as soon as the mysterious disappearance of the previous six envoys is cleared up.
The U.N Security council did not convene but the Human Rights Commission issued a non-specific condemnation of Israel out of force of habit.
Human Rights-For-Almost-Everybody-International said that it regrets the loss of innocent life, but that it also respects the customs of the region: "it is not for us to judge the morality of other people's age-old traditions," said director of Human Rights in the Middle-East Jean Paul Cahier.
The European Union said that it will immediately establish three expert panels and five larger member committees to discuss the possibility of conducting an in depth investigation into the alleged attack if all parties involved will agree to assist such an investigation and fully comply with its decisions. A five hundred page preliminary report is to be expected within the next five years.

Is The Israeli Government Definitely Jewish?
Although the first field test was judged to be a great success, giving great hope to harassed Israeli citizens, a new problem arose – to what extent can the current Israeli Government be considered Jewish?
According to Halacha, an Israeli government that is definitely Jewish can be temporarily sold to gentiles for the purpose of self-defense, on the principal of "Pikuach Nefesh". It is also clear cut that a non-Jewish Israeli government cannot be sold to gentiles. Finally, it is possible to sell a questionably Jewish government, just like it is possible and, perhaps, even recommended to sell "questionable chametz" to gentiles on Passover.
The question facing Israel's finest Rabbis now is this: what kind of government do we have – definitely Jewish, questionably Jewish or out and out Non-Jewish? And also, regardless - who would agree to buy such a gaggle of fools, even temporarily?
What do you think? Vote on the sidebar!

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Sunday, July 8, 2007

Hamas Begins "No Child Left Alive" Educational Program

Modeled after the successful American program "No Child Left Behind" , the new plan aims to increase standards of weapon training in public education, provide parents more flexibility in choosing their terrorist school and promote an increased focus on incitement against Jews.
ISL – Gaza
Hamas Education Minister, Dr. Ahmad Walid, announced today at a press conference a new, revolutionary program aimed to invigorate Palestinian education, raise the level of military training for all Palestinian children while also maintaining and even raising standards of achievement,as measured by murders per child.
Dr. Walid said that the situation under the previously corrupt Fatah rule had become unconscionable: " In my recent tour of schools in Gaza, I have seen many children who have received no weapons training, despite being already ten years old! I have seen angry young men who cannot get a job because no one taught them how to kill a man with their bare hands, or successfully lie to Western reporters! I have seen

mad,frustrated children who desperately want to shoot infidels, and yet, because of the corrupt Fatah regime, lack both the knowledge and the means necessary to do so!

"It is the aim of our government to put a stop to this educational disaster. Our aim is that all Palestinian children will receive the best education possible – for free! We will provide the best military training, the best combat instructors, the best terrorist propaganda material, the best incitement program delivered to our children with the best, most modern means available. Our aim is that every Palestinian child will have an equal chance to succeed in death. We wish to put an end to inequality, and to bigotry – we sincerely believe that every child, no matter how under-privileged, no matter how far behind, can become good at killing and dying. In our program we not only promise not to leave any child behind– we promise not to leave any child alive!"
Hundreds of parents applauded the minister and praised Allah for giving them renewed hope in an otherwise bleak, poverty-stricken life. For instance Saida Imam, mother of seven children said that she is delighted: "For years we had to watch the rich Fatah kids get all the guns and ammunition and go off to kill Israelis, while we didn’t have the money or the "connections" to get the proper training. My children would cry that they are still alive and I would burn with shame that they could not go and get killed for Palestine," said the defiant mother, "but now we have hope! All the poor, destitute people have hope because of Hamas, they do not care if you are rich or poor, or well-connected or not. They will always give you an equal opportunity to die and that is really all any decent citizen can ask for – a fair shake at killing Jews and dying for Palestine."

ISL comments: Dr Walid himself has been educated in the Palestinian public school system, graduating from Bir-Ziet University in 1995 with a degree in educational psychology. Based on years of field work in Gaza and the West Bank, he published several books on education most notably the well-received parent's guide: "The Problem Child: What to Do When Your Child Doesn't Want to Die". His articles are published frequently in professional publications such as "The Pedagogical Terrorist" and "Nurturing Hatred".

Inspired by an article from Jpost via The Camera Blog.
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