Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Ahmadinejad May Resign as Christian Riots Intensify World Wide

ISL – Teheran
Three senior officers in the notorious Islamic Revolutionary Guards have been executed and President Ahmadinejad himself is on the verge of resigning , following the flogging of two Christians in Iran last week.
The couple, who were married by law in a forced Islamic ceremony, were caught praying in a church - an offense so hideous, so inhuman that no words in the Parsi language could describe it. Instead, the couple were flogged.

As a result of this gross trampling of their beliefs, incensed Christians have been staging violent riots in front of Iranian embassies all over the world. Thousands of Korans have been burnt and clashes have erupted between Christians and Muslims in the United States, England and Sweden among others. Dozens of Muslims have already been slain and scores injured.

In the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI sentenced the Iranian ruler to a death sentence and a prize of one million dollars has been put on his head and the heads of all officials involved in the fiasco. An Iranian delegation suing for clemency was received by the Pope and summarily executed.

In the United States, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi said that it is hard to believe that in this day and age such primitive practices are allowed to exist, "Who knows how many millions are suffering under the heels of this obscenely cruel dictatorship, and what do we , as a nation, stand for if we do not help the oppressed who are yearning for freedom?" asked the forceful Democrat.
Along with all the other Democratic candidates, who were united in their condemnation of the Iranian Regime of Terror, Pelosi urged President Bush to do everything in his power to expedite the American response to this medieval regime, "No decent man or woman can sleep in peace until we are sure that this administration has done its best to secure freedom from oppression for the Iranian people," Pelosi said, "the Iranian people deserve our support no less than the Iraqi people did."

Meanwhile Iranian officials have been scrambling to avoid the consequences of its vicious policies. Journalists and television crews have been invited to an all-expenses-paid tour of the Iranian paradise, "so that they can see for themselves how happy the Iranian people are." However, the Media, not wishing to participate in an obvious propaganda campaign conducted by a bloody regime, declined, except for CNN and Ted Koppel, who explained that they are under contract to the Iranians and cannot refuse their invitation.

See also:
The Becket Fund for Religious Liberty
The original article, with graphic pictures. You can see for yourself what a flogging looks like at the Farsi Chrisitian Network.
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Lucky Soldier Wins Israeli "Death Lottery"

ISL - Jerusalem
Two months after the Israeli government announced the "Death Lottery" here at ISL (read all about it here), a first winner has been announced – a 20 year old soldier, who was lucky enough to be standing on the road hitchhiking when Arab terrorists opened fire at him. The soldier, who sustained moderate to serious wounds, immediately went to the nearest hospital to collect his prize: free medical treatment and free, all expenses paid rehabilitation for the rest of his life!

Another Israeli, who was only lightly wounded from bullets shot at his car, missed his chance at the big prize, "I never won anything in my life," said Motti, from a nearby settlement.
"It's just my luck to get this close to first prize and then miss on it completely," lamented the settler, who wondered how he would break the terrible news to his wife, "She's always saying that I'm a good- for- nothing, but really, how is this my fault? "

Other onlookers commented on the unusual good fortune of the wounded soldier, "Some people have all the luck, "said one Israeli, "Imagine, only twenty years old and already set for life!"
But his companion said, "It's all Proteczia, I'm telling you. It's not about how well you do, it's all about who you know in this country."

Be that as it may, ISL still believes inthe system and therefore duly reminds its readers that the lottery, instituted by the Israeli Government, is open to Israeli citizens of all ages, indefinitely. All Jewish citizens who are still alive are eligible to enter the lottery.
First prize in the lottery , a fresh grave and a standard issue tombstone, has yet to be claimed.
So, what are you waiting for?
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Monday, October 29, 2007

Olmert Cancer "Ploy to Gain Sympathy" Colleagues Say

ISL – Jerusalem
Israeli PM Ehud Olmert's announcement today that he had been diagnosed with the first stages of prostate cancer is being met with skepticism by his colleagues in parliament.
Opposition leader Netanyahu dismissed the announcement: "It's just like him to do a thing like this, "said Bibi, "He's in legal and political trouble up to his ears so he goes and makes up a sob story. Let me tell you something," Bibi said to reporters, "When he turns green and the rest of his hair falls out and when he starts to throw up in parliament like me and the people of Israel have been doing for the past two years, then I'll believe it. Maybe. Of course, if that turns out to be the case then I truly wish him well," Netanyahu added sweetly.
Other Knesset members expressed similar ideas.
"I have it on the highest authority that he visited the cancer ward frequently in order to catch the disease on purpose," said the brilliant Minister of Defense, Ehud Barak,
" There is simply no end to the cynicism of politicians these days or the lengths they'll go to get some sympathy," Barak added. "Objectively speaking, I believe that he should resign as soon as possible. It is for the best interests of the country and Olmert himself and just to make sure that a steady hand remains behind to guide the country, I volunteer to take his place." said the selfless leader.
MK Yehuda Zioni from the right-wing "Our House" party also suggested that this would be a good time to retire, "Before Olmert causes himself and this country any more embarrassment," said Zioni.
"He should hide away in shame for the rest of his wretched existence," said the MK who also expressed hope that Olmert suffers as much as the nation has suffered from his misrule, "Hopefully he will get leprosy and so will his wife and his anti-Zionist children. I pray that he will then lose all his ill-gotten gains in a futile attempt to effect a cure. With any kind of luck he will die a long, lingering, miserable death, penniless and alone," said the MK, "Of course, that said, and in the spirit of Jewish charity, I wish him well and hope he recovers from his illness."

On the other side of the political spectrum, Palestinian leaders expressed concern over the announcement. Thousands of Hamas followers took to the streets in a spontaneous outburst of sympathy to their beleaguered benefactor and Fatah leader Abu Mazen rushed to the hospital to express his deepest concern. Hizbullah chief, Nasrallah, dedicated his nightly sermon to the benign incompetence and charitable deeds of the Israeli PM.

In fact, the only people who seemed untouched by Olmert's predicament were the people who chose him.
One can only wonder why…
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Troubled Horse Source of Violence at Amona , Police Say

ISL – Jerusalem
Two years ago police forces attacked and injured scores of Jews in a violent and ultimately successful attempt to demolish their community at Amona.
The unprecedented level of brutality and violence rocked the nation and led to a flurry of lawsuits against individual policemen. In one of these trials the truth about Amona was finally revealed – Joshua Elliot, a troubled police horse with a record of violent behavior admitted to being at the root of the Amona disaster. According to his taped confession, Elliot disregarded direct orders both from the local police commander and from the horseman holding his reins and went on a crazed rampage of arbitrary destruction: First, Elliot famously and deliberately trampled a settler and then, grabbing a baton from one of his fellow policeman, proceeded to strike hundreds of settlers , wounding dozens. Elliot also attempted to incite other policemen to join in the fray. Fortunately, the human policemen chose not to behave like animals and, instead, stuck to police code. "Without exception they all displayed exemplary, professional behavior, refused to join in the violence and did their best to calm things down," said chief Levy, head of the investigating team.

Minutes after this new information was revealed, Elliot's lawyer, Dov Weisglass, protested the confession and declared that it was beaten out of his client and therefore inadmissible, "The police are animals," said Weisglass, "Elliot used to be a proud stallion but after this so-called investigation he has become a mere shadow of himself – his lips are all puffed up and he can barely talk"
Weisglass, who has made a career out of working with violent beasts, went on to describe a miserable horse – a horse with no job, no friends and no place to stay, " Elliot is a patsy, a scapegoat for police incompetence," accused Weisglass, saying that he had it "straight from the horses mouth."
However Elliot's friends say that he was always a troublemaker: "Back when we were foals, Elliot was always biting the hand that fed him," said his former stable-mate, David Greenberg, a veteran and esteemed police horse himself, currently serving as the commander of the Hebron Area, "We tried to talk some sense into him but what can you expect – he's just a horse."

Meanwhile, Elliot's wife, A house-mare named Sarah has filed for divorce, claiming that Elliot bit her on several occasions," He was always calling me names like 'nag' or 'hack', and this business with the settlers and the police – it was just the last straw," said the poor mare. Hopefully, she will be the last victim of Joshua Elliot, that monstrous horse and evil architect of the Amona expulsion.
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Thursday, October 25, 2007

12 Settlers Burned at the Stake as Israel Marks Saint Rabin's Day

ISL – Tel Aviv
Twelve settlers, one for each year that has passed since Rabin's death, were interrogated and burned at the stake in the official ceremony held at St. Rabin's Square yesterday. The burnings are the high point of The Rituals of Peace marking the twelfth anniversary of Rabin's crucifixion and ascent to Heaven, as recounted in the Gospel of Shimon the Blind.
According to custom, each settler is interrogated by the Inquisitors of Peace who demand that they confess that they are responsible for the murder of Rabin.
Every year the crowds cheer on the interrogators, who use the rack, the wheel, the skull crusher and other well-worn Instruments of Peace to extract confessions from the unorthodox settlers. Yet, this year (and most years) the excited crowd is disappointed since none of the settlers will recant, preferring their devilish heresy to the Truth and the Blessed Kingdom of Peace.

After the burnings, the attending dignities had their say, each one recalling The Rabin in his own way, spreading the light of his blessed teachings everlasting.
Shimon the Blind said: "The blanks that hit Rabin in the back, or the front, as the case may be , killed not only Rabin himself, but also the Queen Mother, Leah Rabin, and all of his friends and family and all of his followers and all of the members of our Church of Peace, and all the people in the world who care about truth and justice and global warming and what's on TV tonight," said Shimon. " And yet, The Rabin, who knew all this and foretold it, begged us to forgive our enemies and turn the other cheek, and harbor no hatred in our hearts for our fellow man except to the settlers and all orthodox Jews, so that our reward will be Peace Everlasting between Israel and the Palestinians in this world and the next, Amen."

Princess Noa Ben Artzi, grand daughter of The Rabin Himself, said that every time she thinks about Him she becomes sad all over again, "I think about if He were alive, we would all be living in Heaven on earth and we would have Eternal Peace, and the lamb would live with the lion and everybody would have enough food and nobody would fight anymore and all the settlers would be gone already, but now our dream has been shattered and there are more religious people than ever before and everything is just depressing, except for the fact that I get my own column in the papers and anything else I want just because I'm a Rabin. So I guess maybe it's not all bad," concluded the heir apparent.
Other dignitaries spoke and then the High Priest of Peace , Aharon Barak concluded the ceremonies with a special mass, reciting from the Book of Rabin and giving communion to the faithful.
And then it was over.
The crowd slowly left St. Rabin's Square, sad but at peace, their sins expelled and forgiven till next year and then they went home and washed out the smoke and the blood and the sweat, and they went to sleep, looking forward to a new, happy day in this New, Brave World of Peace and Truth.

Related:
Rabin Canonized Posthumously by Israeli Secular Church of Peace
French Hill's Thought On Rabin's Memorial - which sums up the situation quite well.
Esser Agaroth discusses the cult of Rabin
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Israel Developing Weapon Against Stupidity, Iran Feels Threatened

ISL - Jerusalem
In the wake of Iran's accusations that Israel, together with the United States is working on a genetic bomb targeted at Iranians, Israel has decided to come clean:
"It is true that we are developing a new weapon," said Major Cohen from Army Intelligence, "but, as usual, the Iranians have it all backwards – we are only close to having a bomb against stupidity.
"I guess it is natural that the Iranian regime feels threatened," the Major said, "but it is not intended specifically for them and in any case it is not a genetic weapon."

ISL has also learned that the Anti-Stupidity bomb is a result of a breakthrough in brain science in which researchers, using new technology, discovered that the human brain emits sigma waves that indicate stupidity, bigotry and racism, which are all closely related.
Military engineers have managed to construct a prototype of bomb, fitted with a stupidity radar that automatically locks onto the nearest and strongest sigma waves and then zeros in on the target and destroys it.
Military experts say that such a weapon could wreak havoc on Israel's enemies, instantly targeting their absurdly stupid and bigoted leaders.
"If the bomb works, we can have peace within a year," said one army man. "Our only fear is that such a bomb will get into the hands of our enemies and then we will be extremely susceptible – cabinet meetings, editorial sessions at "Haaretz", faculty meetings in the Humanities– all could be easily targeted and destroyed if such a bomb gets into the wrong hands," explained our anonymous source.
"So, for the meantime," he added, "the government has not permitted us to manufacture it and who can blame them – I guess they're not that stupid!"

See Also:
The original post and comments at Israel Matzav
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Rabin Canonized Posthumously by Israeli Secular Church of Peace

ISL - Jerusalem
More than a decade after his untimely death, and following a lengthy and rigorous approval process, former Israeli Prime minister Yitzhak Rabin has finally been canonized and declared a saint by the Israeli Secular Church of Peace.

Head of the Israeli Branch of the Secular Church of Peace, former Supreme Justice Aharon Barak, issued a statement today announcing the decision and apologizing to The Rabin Family for taking so long to confirm Rabin's sainthood.
Normally, a person may be nominated for sainthood not less than five years after his death. Then, a commission of inquiry from the Church of Peace, appointed by the leader of the Church, The High Peanut, Jimmy Carter, reviews the evidence in an effort to determine if the deceased indeed lived a saintly life, a life worthy of the devotion and prayers of the millions of members of the Church of Peace world-wide.
In Rabin's case the evidence was overwhelming. He had already received the Nobel Peace prize, shared by Saint Arafat (canonized by special procedure within a week after his death), and obviously he was martyred in the cause of Peace. These two facts alone would have been enough to declare Rabin a saint, but as the commission learned, Rabin was a unique individual, who loved Peace and did everything he could to spread this love among the people, whether they wanted it or not...

Spectacular tales about Rabin began circulating minutes after he died. Some say his spirit was seen rising from his tomb at Mt Herzl, and indeed, the Holy Spirit of Rabin has appeared on several occasions to reliable witnesses such as Former American President Bill Clinton, the Israeli Folk singer, Aviv Gefen and Ezekiel, the talking dog. Others whispered that the last time he broke bread with his followers, Rabin told Raviv that he would betray him. Raviv denied the allegations, then and even now, but who can deny the reality? Pictures of the Last Supper, portraying Rabin with his disciples, have been a popular religious artifact for years now. Even non-believers have been known to carry in their wallets small plastic icons of Rabin,


with printed blessings on them such as "May the Peace Be With You" and "Ani Anavet", an obscure, cryptic phrase that Rabin was fond of repeating. No one has been able to figure out the true meaning of this idiom, but many still repeat it as a comforting prayer in times of great stress and indecision.
But perhaps the most convincing and gratifying evidence that was presented to the Holy Peace Commission was that provided by the simple people – the workers and peasants, the lepers and outcasts who followed Rabin and drank the truth directly from his golden mouth. Rabin as healer, as benefactor, as performer of miracles beyond belief is the unmistakable image arising from this cornucopia of fabulous tales about this giant among men.
In these stories we meet the real Rabin, the saint, toiling among the starving, sick natives in Ramat Aviv and Savion, wiping the sweat off a bolemic girl in the impoverished ghettos of North Tel Aviv, holding in his arms a sick infant, dying from an unknown disease called "suicide bombers", while comforting his mother, already dying and promising that he will take care of her child.

But if Saint Rabin will be remembered by future generations, it will not be for his kindly deeds, which, in these cynical times,
will soon enough seem too good to be true, but for his Reformation of the Church of Peace. This was done by bravely re-installing the practice of human sacrifice to Our Father, The God of Peace. Thus, Rabin breathed new life into the Church, emboldening her and making her strong against her enemies. Since then, fifteen hundred have been sacrificed on the Altar of Peace and the Church and its followers have grown and flourished just as the heretics have been driven out and into hiding in Judea and Samaria, soon to be hunted down by Rabin's followers.
For this, above all else, Rabin has earned the gratitude of thousands, even millions of believers around the world.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I humbly present to you the immortal Saint Rabin, the man who died so that we shall live, who returned to life after death so that our sins may be washed away and thus grant us Peace everlasting.
Ave Rabina, faeces plena, Peres tecum.
Amen.

Join us tomorrow as Israel marks Saint Rabin's Day – we will be following the events closely and of course reporting on them with our usual attention to detail...


See also:
The Church of Rabin and Peace
The Festival of Hate at the Muqata

Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Homeless Students in Jerusalem Terrorize Population

ISL - Jerusalem
Following yesterday's controversial post about the rising price of rent in Jerusalem, ISL has now learned that the students at the Hebrew University have also fallen victim to the dearth of affordable apartments and as a result they have turned to the streets. According to municipal officials, more than half of the homeless people roaming the streets of Jerusalem are students who have given up on their studies and have descended to the dark depths of the city - and their souls.

One of the most tragic victims of this situation has been Lev Kandinsky, the genius son of Russian Jews who came to Israel ten years ago. Lev was a brilliant student of physics who, according to his professors, was close to perfecting a mechanism for extracting renewable energy from cow dung. "There is so much bullshit in this country that we could have solved Israel's energy needs for this generation and the next," laments Prof. Stein, one of his teachers. Unfortunately, the scholarship of ten thousand shekels, which is all the physics department could afford, was worth no more than two months rent and therefore simply not enough to keep Lev in the university and permit him to dedicate himself to his work.
Instead, like many students before him, the despairing young scientist found his way to the mean streets of Jerusalem where his great, frustrated talent has been twisted and is now being used against the country and its citizens . Lev, the brilliant physicist, has become an outcast, a criminal.

Galia Cohen, a social worker says that Lev is not unique: "As a result of the high rents, I have seen brilliant computer scientists in the making, potential chess masters, talented artists and great thinkers despair of the economic hardship involved in their studies and wind up in the street with other students. "
"Once there, " continued the social worker, "there is no way back. The students form gangs, and intimidate helpless beggars by asking them difficult questions such as 'How old is the universe and why' or 'What is the square root of π?'. When the bewildered beggars can't answer, the students ridicule them and eventually shatter their self esteem. Many known and well-liked beggars have quit and several have committed suicide," the social worker said, "And what's more, lately, these student gangs have begun to pick on innocent passers-by, threatening them with intellectual riddles and frightening people to death. The homeless students are ruining Jerusalem," concluded Galia. "Woe be to the man, or woman who finds herself at night , alone, in the clutches of such a gang – they will torment her for hours with unsolvable questions and leave her a total psychic wreck," warns the experienced social worker.

Is there any hope for Jerusalem? Can Jerusalem be saved from the student gangs? Can anyone face their ruthless intellectualism, their brutal abstract thinking – and survive, and, ultimately - win? Or will Jerusalem, the nation's capital, become like Gotham – without the Batman?

Related:
Haredi Families Adjust Lifestyle as Rents Skyrocket in Jerusalem
On the skyrocketing rents from Jpost
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Monday, October 22, 2007

Haredi Families Adjust Lifestyle as Rents Skyrocket in Jerusalem

ISL-Jeruslaem

In the past two years, rental prices in many parts of Jerusalem have skyrocketed forcing Haredi families in the nation's capital to adapt in the most astonishing manner.
For instance, in the orthodox neighborhood of Har- Nof, we were invited to Moshe Wienbaum's modest abode – a long shelf converted into a small but cozy home to Moshe's family of eight. Moshe studies at the nearby Yeshiva and his wife Yemima supports the family by juggling three and a half jobs while raising her eight kids and taking care of her elderly parents who moved in after they were kicked out of their shoebox. Yemima is also expecting twins in the spring (God willing!).
Moshe admits that living on a shelf isn't easy," Before we moved to this shelf we lived in a luxurious six by two closet, where we all had room to sleep if we stood," Moshe says, reminiscing, "When all the kids were at school I used to sit down just for the fun of it, but those carefree days are over – the owner of the closet raised the rent for the third time this year and we just had to move out," Moshe explained.
"Not that I'm complaining, God forbid," Moshe says, "Thank God we all have our health and I'm studying Torah and that is all that really matters, isn't it?
"But still, I can't help thinking about the children – sometimes the richer kids who live in upper-class closets, posh window sills or exclusive, closed porches taunt them at the Talmud Torah and my youngest, Shmuel has already vowed to get rich and buy a whole room for his family when he grows up. Of course I try to knock that kind of nonsense out of his head, I mean, such dreams are completely unrealistic and will only cause him disappointment later in life. With any luck he'll find a good Shiduch and maybe, just maybe, if both families pitch in they'll be able to afford a decent shelf that they will be able to call their own and they won't have to rent like we do," Moshe says, "Assuming, of course, that the price of shelves in Jerusalem won't go through the roof by then…"
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Israel to Build A New, Better, High-Tech Kotel after Ceding Original to Palestinians

ISL-Jerusalem
Following Palestinian claims that the Western Wall, revered for centuries by Jews all over the world, is actually an important part of Palestinian history and culture, Israel has agreed to cede the Wall as a gesture of good faith, "No wall will stand between us and Peace with the Palestinians," said Israeli PM Olmert, " certainly not an old, dirty, crumbling wall full of moldy old notes and stale memories.
"Instead of arguing over such a wall," Olmert said, "We will build a new wall, a modern wall, that will be ten times better than the old one!" Olmert promised.

According to sources, the new wall will be one hundred feet high, and half a mile long – much higher and longer than the original- and will be made from the best materials, most likely the finest stainless steel. High-definition LCD screens will be spaced at regular intervals in the wall and will broadcast targeted commercials which will pay for the upkeep of the new wall. Numerous computer touch screens embedded in the wall will allow visitors to choose from a menu of prayers which will be sent directly to the Kotel Command Center and stored in a Holy Hard Drive for a whole year, after which they will be deleted automatically by a kosher program (Badatz Heksher). No handwritten notes will be allowed in the new wall which will also be self-cleaning.
In order to accommodate the various Jewish practices five new Western Walls will be erected side by side: One for Orthodox Jews, one for Conservative Jews, one for Reform Jews, one for Gay Jews and another one for self-hating Jews that they will be able to not visit and not pray at whenever they don't go there without being bothered by practicing Jews.
Although the location of the new Western Walls is not yet known, Palestinian officials have already declared it part of their revered heritage and officially protested Israel's intention to build on such a holy site to Islam, wherever it is.


Related:
It's News! It's Satire! No, It's the Palestinians - Claiming The Western Wall!
Israeli Rabbis Admit: Western Wall is Palestinian
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Israeli Rabbis Admit: Western Wall is Palestinian

ISL- Jerusalem

In an amazing, unprecedented statement, prominent Israeli Rabbis have admitted that the Jewish worship of the Western Wall, which has continued uninterrupted for over a thousand years has been a sham , part of a historic, world-wide Jewish conspiracy to deny the Palestinians their heritage.
"Yes, it is true," said Rabbi Ovadia Yoseph, the foremost Sephardic Rabbi who is considered an expert in Jewish law. " I can assure you that even when King Solomon built the Temple it was obvious that it belonged to the Palestinians and that therefore, as a result, so does the Kotel."

The astounding statement was seconded by Religious-Zionist leader, Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu, who confessed that the weight of this secret, carried by Jewish Rabbis and leaders for a thousand years has been a great burden: "I am ashamed of being part of this abominable tradition," said Rabbi Eliyahu.
" I always hated going to the Kotel and pretending it is Jewish and holy, and praying day and night with fake fervor," said Eliyahu, "and all the notes in the wall put in by fellow conspirator Jews from all over the world, really it's such a disgrace.
" It saddens me that us Jews have done these things for hundreds of years just in order to spite the Palestinians and deny them their rights," said the relieved Rabbi, " but I am also glad that it has now ended and that finally we can stop putting so much time and energy in this charade and return to a normal life: a life without God, or prayer, a life without history or identity, a good, wholesome secular life."

These statements come just one day after the Palestinians claimed the Western Wall as their own and would seem to justify such a claim. However, Palestinian PM Mahmoud Abbas said that, as usual, the Jews are playing mind games with the Palestinians: "If the Jews stop praying at the Western Wall then we have no use for it and of course they know this so, as we see it, the Jews are giving up the Western Wall out of sheer hatred, just to spite us," said Abbas."It is just another trick, another way to obstruct the negotiations but we are wise to the Jews," Abbas continued, "and we now demand that the Jews accept the Western Wall as part of their heritage and continue to pray there, so that we can continue to torture them or else we will walk away from the negotiations and pout until our demands, whatever they may be, are met."


Related:
It's News! It's Satire! No, It's the Palestinians - Claiming The Western Wall!
mavericknewsnetwork
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

It's News! It's Satire! No, It's the Palestinians - Claiming The Western Wall!

ISL – Jerusalem

One day after achieving a historic breakthrough, talks between the Palestinians and Israelis have hit another, unexpected snag - Palestinian PM Abbas now claims that the Western Wall, "Is part of our heritage and should by no means be left in the hands of the Jews."
Abbas explained that in Palestinian tradition, the Western Wall holds a prominent place: "It is extremely important for us not to let Jews pray at the Western Wall," said Abbas. "This has been a tradition for hundreds of years. Our forefathers did everything they could to prevent Jews from praying there, including killing and stoning Jews, and it is such an important part of the Palestinian tradition of Antisemitism, arbitrary violence and childish spite that I feel we must continue to practice it if we are to respect our history and identity."

Meanwhile, Israel expressed disappointment at the new development: "Just when we thought we were getting somewhere, they come up with something new," said chief negotiator, FM Zippi Livni.
"Sometimes I feel like they don't really want peace," the Minister confided, "But then I remind myself of our ultimate goal – getting good press – and I gather my staff from the Foreign Office and we rack our brains until we come up with an offer that the Palestinians can't refuse such as giving them the Western Wall – after all it's just a wall, and an old and dirty one at that – and the whole Jewish Quarter in return for not blaming us for the breakdown of the peace negotiations," explained Livni.
"It is this kind of professionalism that has sustained our delicate relationship with the Palestinians for so many hard years," said the Israeli FM, "and I hope to continue fostering this relationship until it reaches its complete and final fulfillment – tomorrow's headlines."
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Annapolis Summit Saved: Palestinians Accept Launching Pads in Jerusalem and West Bank

ISL – Jerusalem
After weeks of dismal reports from the preliminary negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians, a breakthrough has finally been achieved: Palestinians have agreed to accept Israel's offer to establish launching pads in the West Bank and, most importantly, Jerusalem.
According to the Palestinians, who will receive complete control of Eastern Jerusalem and most of the West Bank, the decision to accept the offer was not easy: "This is a difficult issue for many Palestinians since we were expecting a complete retreat and an Israeli withdrawal to somewhere between Cyprus and the coastline as a starting point of the negotiations at the summit," said Palestinian PM Abbas, " but in peace, as in all of life, you must compromise".

In order to ensure the backing of the less reasonable hardliners, Abbas has had to assure his followers that the delay in the destruction of Israel is only temporary: "Good things come to those who wait," Abbas counseled his impatient country men.
Meanwhile, in a further effort to placate his radical followers, the moderate holocaust denier has also requested Israel to supply first grade mortars and rocket launchers along with thousands of shells: "If enough hard-liners will have long and short range weapons they will be so busy shooting them at Israel that they will not have the time or the energy to resist the peace process," said Abbas, restating a fundamental proposition of the "Oslo Logic".

Israel has yet to agree to the demand but has already expressed satisfaction with the progress made in talks: "Now we have them right where we want them," said FM Livni, "and the fact that they are now asking us for weapons just goes to prove that all problems can be solved with negotiations. After all – they could have asked Iran or Syria for weapons but they specifically wanted Israel to arm them. That is progress, that is trust and that is exactly the kind of cooperation we have been working for and looking forward to all these years," said Livni, the first Israeli foriegn minister to outsmart the Palestinians...
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Monday, October 15, 2007

Al Gore Saves Earth, Mankind, Receives Nobel Prize

ISL – Oslo

Al Gore, the man who wrote The New Testament, succored humanity throughout the dismal Middle Ages, and , most recently, invented the internet, has finally received his due from the grateful habitants of the world.
Surprisingly, the prestigious prize was given not for his previous achievements, which include the invention of writing in the tenth millennium B.C, but rather, in appreciation of his valiant efforts in brokering peace between mankind and The Environment.
Al Gore was the first climate scientist to discover global warming and to reveal its ultimate cause – George Bush. Since then, Gore has been relentless in his pursuit of Global Warming criminals. He has written numerous articles in his invention, the internet, lectured to fawning audiences all over the world and, finally, delivered the coup de grace with his magnificent documentary film "The Inconceivable Truth", which depicts a world without Al Gore as its center, a frightening, realistic vision of a world gone mad.

As a result, Gore has managed to convince China to halt its economic development, with India, Taiwan and South Korea following suit: "Gore has convinced us that the Western life style with its free markets and abundance of cheap and readily available products affordable to the masses is completely unsuitable for the Chinese temperament," said Chinese PM Hsu Lin, who said his government is committed to regressing the Chinese economy and standard of living to pre-industrial age levels.
In the rapidly developing Africa, Gore has worked miracles, convincing farmers to abandon modern, polluting technology in favor of the trusted, environment-friendly ways of the past. Although intense famine has resulted and millions have died unnecessarily, Gore reiterated his support of his "green" farming policy: "No sacrifice is too great to make for the sake of the environment," Gore assured African leaders in a video conference conducted from his private jet, "as long as I and my business partners don't have to make any".

Hat tip: My favorite satire site: Dry Bones on Al Gore

Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Army Dismayed Fence Failing but Convinced “Jewish Ingenuity” Will Find a Way to Stop Terror

ISL – Tel Aviv
IDF Chief of Staff Gabi Ashkenazi said to reporters today that the Army is disappointed at the way things have turned out, especially after Palestinians started launching long-range rockets.
“Our frustration with what has happened in the past two years since disengagement is quite understandable, especially since we had it on the highest authority – editorials in Haaretz for instance - that the fence will stop terror once and for all.”
Ashkenazi proceeded to outline several of the original ideas being looked at in the Science & Technology Division that "one way or the other" are sure to stop the Palestinian rockets:
“Our most promising idea, which is in advanced preliminary stages even as we speak, is an impenetrable shield that will deter any rocket aimed at it. The shield, made of 50 feet of reinforced concrete could be used to cover Israeli towns, shielding them forever from any and all attacks”.
Although the cost of covering every Israeli town with such a shield would be prohibitive, Ashkenazi said that in all likelihood, “it would be worth the resulting security, and desert cities like Sderot could do with the shade," said Ashkenazi.
Another promising direction of research is the “Tunnel Town”. In this scheme, Israeli towns will be moved hundreds of feet underground and so will be absolutely impervious to mortars or heavier weapons: "Eventually, the whole population of Israel could be moved underground, and there we will be safe forever!" said the Army Chief.
Finally, Ashkenazi introduced the astonishingly hi-tech “KARMNA System”, an offshoot of the Arrow project.

The system consists of dozens of military satellites targeted at the Palestinian held territories, and linked to ground forces equipped with Anti-Kasaam Air-to Air Multi-stage Tactical Nuclear Artillery (KAARMA). Theoretically, the system will be able to spot launches and intercept the incoming shells and rockets with tactical nuclear shots before they land on Israeli towns. Ashkenazi assured reporters that fallout isn’t a problem: “The citizens of Israel have survived Rabin and Barak and even Olmert so nuclear fallout should not be an issue,” said Ashkenazi.

Although any of the three ambitious projects would necessarily set the Israeli economy back a few decades, Ashkenazi ruled out the possibility of simply sending in the Army and forcibly preventing terror attacks: “ Violence doesn't solve anything," said Ashkenazi. "We know there is a better way to overcome this situation and we will find it, no matter what the cost!"


Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Yuli Tamir Proposes "Learning to Forget" Educational Program

ISL - Jerusalem
Coming back from a lengthy and refreshing vacation, Yuli Tamir, Israel's controversial Education Minister, announced a new scheme called "Learning to Forget", which is intended to shake up the sleepy, out-dated Israeli education system.
According to Tamir, scientific research has proven that Israeli pupils forget most of what they are taught, resulting in an enormous waste of time and money:
"For a whole year we teach them math or history or physics and then, within a few days or months of the tests, they forget nearly everything, so really, what's the point?" said Tamir to reporters.
The emphasis in the new "Forgetting to Learn" curriculum will be, therefore, on getting straight to the point, in other words, instead of teaching and memorizing and testing and then forgetting – students will now be obliged to forget what they aren't taught - immediately.

The plan, which is also backed by the Treasury, is expected to save millions for the state, since teaching hours, educational materials, and school equipment such as chairs and tables will be cut back and , perhaps, eventually , eliminated altogether: "We live in the age of information where there is so much knowledge, it is simply useless trying to make sense of it all", said Tamir, "I know I don't understand anything so why should anyone else?" said Tamir, who also discussed an important, added benefit of the plan:

"As long as people remember what happened, and who wronged who and when – there is simply no chance for peace. So if we want real, true peace in our time, we just have to forget – who we are, why we are here, what happened and when and where – all of this stupid, useless history that will continue to cause strife and pain to all of us as long as it exists," said Tamir.
As leader of this movement, Tamir has already set an example by forgetting everything she ever knew about her nation and most everything else, besides. Tamir has also issued a directive to all education workers to do the same within thirty days. Blank history books will be issued forthwith to replace the old fact-filled books that have been such an obstacle to peace all these years, and tests will be revised.
For example, a standard question in the new history exam will look something like this:
1. Who was Yehudah HaMaccabi? (circle the correct answer)
A- Nickname of Yehuda Berkowitz, a combo guard for the great Maccabi Tel-Aviv teams in the seventies and eighties.
B- I forgot.
C – Leader of the Hasmonean revolt against Antiochus in the second century BCE.
D- A violent, evil man who opposed peace.

Correct answer: B.
If you answered "D" you receive half the points. If you answered "C" you are probably going to be, or already have been, jailed/kicked out of your house in the name of "Peace" . If you answered "A", well, such ignorance is really inexcusable – Mickey Berkowitz of course, not Yehudah!!!




Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter

Thursday, October 4, 2007

1.49 Million Palestinians Survive Gaza Massacre

ISL - Gaza
Close to one million, forty nine hundred, nine hundred and eighty eight Palestinians, nearly the entire population of Gaza, miraculously escaped death when Israeli Army forces invaded the Gaza Strip and committed a massacre. Twelve armed terrorists were massacred in the massacre which took place in Beit Hanoun. The massacre follows a previous massacre committed by Israeli forces several days earlier in which Israeli Army forces massacred two armed Palestinians who tried to cross the Israeli border "in order to go shopping", according to Palestinian sources.
Palestinian PM, Mahmoud Abbas, denounced the bloody massacre and called upon international forces to carpet bomb Israel with nuclear, chemical or biological weapons in order to stop the tragic, inhuman massacre of innocent Palestinian gunmen: "It is only by a miracle that most Palestinians survived this massacre, but how long can we count on that?" Abbas asked. (Although, to be sure, this was, according to Palestinian sources, the twenty- second massacre committed by Israeli forces this year, who also committed five genocides and three holocausts, in which nearly a hundred Palestinian gunmen were killed and dozens wounded.)

Meanwhile, the surviving Palestinians breathed a sigh of relief and praised Allah for saving them once again from another Israeli massacre. As usual, ISL was on the spot to record the authentic voice of the survivors of this week's massacre in Gaza:

Latifa, a typical housewife from Gaza said that her husband was beating her up in the kitchen when she heard on the radio that another massacre had occurred: " I quickly realized that by a miracle we were saved. I praised Allah and thanked him for rescuing me from the cruel hands of the Zionists," said Latifa from her hospital bed, where she is being treated for a cracked skull and other lacerations.
We also talked to Youseff, a third grade pupil, who told us that he too was saved by a miracle: "We were in suicide-bomber class when the principal came in and told us that there had been another massacre and that we were saved by a miracle. We all thanked Allah for doing a miracle and saving us once again from a massacre."
And it goes on and on: In Gaza prison (now, under new and improved management!) Ahmed, a gay Palestinian sentenced to a hundred lashes and death by stoning said, "I couldn't be happier", a sentiment echoed by Sawa, the thirteen year old girl who was brutally raped by her uncle and now awaits trial for her heinous crime, and Mahmoud, who was caught in the act of
illegal eating during the Ramadan fast and now faces twenty years in prison - all of them praised Allah for saving them from the cruelties of Zionism and assured us that they could not be happier to live to see another day in the Palestinian paradise called Gaza...

Hat tip: Mere Rhetoric and My Right Word and special thanks to the
Palestinians for their original use of language without which this satire and many others would not be possible (or necessary, but that's another issue).


Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter