Thursday, November 29, 2007

Israel and Palestinians Present United Front Against World Jewry

ISL- Annapolis
Following attempts by world Jewry to influence negotiations concerning Jerusalem, Prime Ministers of both sides have managed to agree that such interference is completely unacceptable, "As far as we are concerned, the issue of Jerusalem is non-negotiable. It has always been the capital of Palestine and always will be – Jews, whether in Israel or abroad have nothing to do with Jerusalem and we view their presence in the city as a temporary mistake, soon to be rectified," said Palestinian PM Abbas, "Jerusalem will not be negotiated with any Jew, including the current Israeli government."

Israeli PM Olmert concurred: "I could not agree more with my esteemed colleague," Olmert said, "Jews are the last people on earth to meddle in the negotiations about Jerusalem because , after all, it is hard to see what interest they can possibly have in this city." Olmert also said that he resents the labeling of the current Israeli government as "Jewish", "I am delighted that the Palestinians and ourselves have finally agreed on a major issue, but I also think that pointing fingers and calling me and my partners in the government "Jews" is hardly warranted and does nothing to help the cause of peace," Olmert said.

The Americans who are hosting the conference said that world Jewry presents a new, welcome issue on which the two sides can finally cooperate freely, "Both sides hate Jews bitterly so at least they have that in common," said American FM, Condoleezza Rice, " There's nothing like mutual bigotry and racism to bring different people together and we have high hopes that with this new understanding a final agreement between the two sides will quickly be reached."

Hat tip: The French Hill Blog - Olmert Gives the Finger to World Jewry

Related: Haaretz recaps Olmert's remarks and the responses it evoked

One Jerusalem - The Anti-Olmert initiative, headed by them Joos!

Somewhat Related:
It's News! It's Satire! No, It's the Palestinians - Claiming The Western Wall!
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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Livni Touts Historic Agreement With Mayor of East Ramallah

ISL – Annapolis
Although negotiations between the Palestinians and Israelis are not done yet, both sides are speaking in terms of "a historic agreement" between Israel and the Palestinian representative, Mahmoud Abbas, Mayor of East Ramallah, Supreme Leader of over a dozen devoted Palestinian gunmen and also "Rosh HaVaad" of the apartment house on Sheik Garah street no. 28.

Until recently, Abbas was also Prime Minister of the Palestinian authority, however he was deposed and forced to relocate with his Band of Merry Terrorists to Ramallah. Abbas is now struggling to establish his authority over the western neighborhoods of the city, which are dominated by his bitter rivals - killers and criminals without any sense of humor from the Hamas and the PFLP, and the southern suburbs which are still being bitterly fought over by smaller factions such as the PLLP, the POLI, and the PKLU. Abbas also faces challenges from his own people, six of whom oppose any agreement with Israel, and six who are in favor. Currently, Abbas holds the critical swing vote - but according to analysts, his position is precarious.

Details about the forthcoming agreement were not given. However, the Israeli delegation has hinted that Abbas has agreed to accept millions of shekels of Israeli taxpayer money as well as arms and weapons in return for allowing Israel to unconditionally release his murderers. It is also rumored that Abbas has promised to make himself available for photo-ops anytime Israeli leaders feel the urge to appear on TV with a well-dressed, English speaking Arab who doesn't remind anybody of Arafat.

Israeli representatives said that they are delighted with the results of the summit, "Things have gone splendidly for Israel," said Tzipi Livni, Israel's Foreign Minister and the mastermind behind the momentous agreement, "I would never have believed that ten years after flunking cosmetics schools I would be on the forefront of such a successful, historic diplomatic blitz."
Livni said that the only disappointment is that Israel could not reach an agreement with additional representatives of the Palestinian people, "We tried to talk with the Mayor of East Ramallah who is from the Hamas but they are impossible – they take their Anti-Semitism way too seriously."
Livni said that Israel will pursue similar agreements with any Palestinian leader who will agree to the same terms given to Abbas – "We welcome Palestinian mayors, captains of industry, captains of sports teams, school presidents and in fact, anybody at all who is Arab and is willing to fly abroad for a week, get photographed and interviewed and say that he will never, ever, under any circumstances recognize Israel."

One major subplot underlying the Annapolis summit was the career path of Tzipi Livni which is indeed remarkable, a true, "from rags to riches" story:



after dropping out of high school where she was her teachers' despair Livni enrolled in the "Evita Peron School of Beauty", "Because a girl has to make a living somehow," as she puts it. Unfortunately, Livni was just not cut out to be a professional, "I flunked peeling and eyelashes but I had a flair for hair-coloring."
Using the skills she had learned at cosmetics school, Livni tried to make her way in the world as a call girl but met with no more success than before, "I did my best to attract customers and I was always willing to do anything, but it just didn't work out for me," Livni said, "At the time I was devastated."
As a last resort and living off the remnants of her meager savings, Livni joined the Likud party, "Politics is just like being a whore except the hours are worse," Livni explained, " But I knew that the only way I could survive was by discarding any semblance of humanity and going into politics. With my experience as a call girl and the knowledge of the human skin and hair that I acquired at beauty school, I was an instant hit." Livni said, "Also, my lack of education allowed me to connect instantly, almost unconsciously, with influential members of the Likud and other parties."

Livni went on to participate in the destruction of the Likud and the Jewish community in Gaza after which she defected to Kadima and, as the saying goes, the rest is history, "Who would have believed that a simple girl like me would be standing on the steps of the Annapolis mess-room, having my photograph taken with a handsome, well-dressed, English-speaking Arab?" Livni said, concluding that, "Such things happen only in fairytales or in Israeli politics where nothing is impossible if you are immoral enough."

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Specter of Jewish Growth Looms over Annapolis Peace Summit

ISL – Jerusalem and Washington
New research published by the Israeli Democracy Institute reveals that the threat of Jews not hating themselves is growing daily in Israel – nearly a third of the population are religious and only twenty percent are secular according to the survey.
Israeli leaders, currently negotiating in Annapolis, admitted that these alarming numbers are a major reason for the renewed push to resume and hopefully finalize an agreement that would enable both sides, Arabs and Israelis, to join forces in dealing with self-loving Jews, "Who terrify all of us" as one source said.
"We can deal with an Iranian nuclear bomb, and another war with Hamas or Hizbullah or Syria is no big deal," said Israeli PM, Olmert, "What really worries me are Jews who terrorize whole subways with their teffilin, frighten our children with their side locks, and mumble unintelligible prayers to a God that no one has ever seen."

Unfortunately, Palestinian negotiators are failing to cooperate, "We don't know what those crazy Jews are talking about and frankly – we don't care," said Head of the Palestinian delegation, Abu-Kara, "As far as we are concerned, a Jew is a Jew, I mean, we know one when we see one- and then we kill it or at least try to."
"They know that time is running out for us in Israel," Olmert responded, "So they are giving us hell , I mean, obviously, anyone can tell the difference between a normal, enlightened human being and a Jew."

Back in Israel, former Supreme Justice Aharon Barak, the leading figure in the struggle of Enlightened Israelis against self-loving Jews said that the results of the survey do not surprise him, "I've been warning about this for years – the damn Joos are taking over the country - they're everywhere – the waiters in my favorite restaurant, the taxi drivers, even some of the clerks in the Justice department – they're all Joos! What is this country coming to?" asked Barak, wringing his hands saying, "Ma Yehiyeh?"

In the past, Israel has tried to combat the Jewish onset by commissioning various terrorist groups, most notably among them the Palestinian Fatah, to deal with the problem, but without much success.
"Unfortunately, our kids are wimps," said die-hard Enlightenment leader Benny Karnaf, "They should be out on the streets beating up them Joos and teaching them a lesson they'll never forget, for the sake of progress and human rights and everything that is dear to us in this country like eating seafood in a non-kosher restaurant in Jaffa on the Sabbath,"said Karnaf, "But they won't lift a finger for themselves or their parents or anybody else for that matter, and the older generation like me and Barak and Sharon – we're just too old to knock sense into the people – so we have to rely on the hired help to do the dirty work for us," said the Karnaf, "But you know how they are, I mean what can you expect from Arabs? Sure, they killed a few Joos, but they also killed hundreds of innocent Israelis – which was never part of the deal and you would think that after giving them so many guns and ammunition and truckloads of money they would do the job and then get lost but noooo – they had to start shooting each other up and now we're stuck with them and the god damn Joos ... I'll tell you this though," said the grizzled veteran, "My generation didn't build this country from scratch just so the Joos can have a place to pray three times a day, no sireee, if worst comes to worst we'll just close shop; we'll take everything we can with us, turn out the lights and leave for a better place."


The moral of the story: Even Jews who hate Jews are still Jews – it's inescapable (So really, why fight it?)

Related:
The Terrorizing Tefillin Tale - from My Right Word

Israel Becoming Less Secular - From INN
and
The Unthinkable Consequences of an Iran-Israel Nuclear Exchange - from Daniel Pipes weblog.



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Monday, November 26, 2007

Heads of Government Companies and Their Families Deny Nepotism

ISL- Jeruslaem
Following a scandalous report by Israeli Comptroller Michael Lindenstrauss which found wide-spread nepotism in Government companies, top officials are now scrambling to deny the charges.
Rafi Itzhaki, Head of Human Resources in the Israeli Electric Company said that the charges that over a quarter of the workers at the company are related are far-fetched, "It is true that we like to think of ourselves as one, big, happy family but we believe the comptroller took this metaphor too literally", Itzhaki explained, "That is not to say that none of the employees are relatives, in fact, my own secretary happens to be one of my nieces but what's wrong with that? Does that make her a criminal? Of course not – she does her job just like everyone else," Itzhaki said, "It's simply easier to hire someone you are familiar with, like your own relatives – it saves a lot of time and money for the public which is really our main concern here at the Electric Company, to be honest," said Mr. Itzhaki, "Believe me, it is not easy to have so many relatives hanging around you all day – you think I enjoy having my wife and three sons working here at the company, not to mention fifteen other relatives? You think I would make this sacrifice if it wasn't for the good of the country?" asked Mr. Itzhaki, with tears in his eyes, "What more do we have to do to prove to the country that we are good, honest, hardworking people?"

In the Ashdod Port, where close to half of the employees are related, top officials commented that nepotism is not a problem, "We have a very strict procedure to accept new employees – there is no way that anybody can use their influence to hire their own relatives," said Mr. Agmon, Vice-President of the Port and head of the hiring committee, "I make sure that the people on the committee are not related to each other so that the process will not be tainted – and you'd be surprised to know how hard it was to find the right people. Actually it was impossible," admitted Mr. Agmon, "But I did manage it so that only second degree relations serve on the committee together. That is why David Agmon – my cousin can serve on the committee but my brother, Saul, cannot


– and you won't believe what a hard time he gave me for that! Kinneret, my granddaughter, is our secretary, but I kept my wife out of it. That leaves Yoram Aharonov – Saul's brother in law, and Avi Klepter, Yoram's own second cousin by marriage –as the two remaining members, not counting Yoram's wife, Bella, who had to be included – they're having a rough time just now and we thought we'd help them out by getting them to work together on the same committee," explained Agmon.
"Now – how can anybody call that nepotism? Here I am, bending over backwards to construct a legal, non-biased hiring committee, catching heat from all and sundry here at the port, because everybody and their brother wants to be on it and what do I get from the comptroller? What, a pat on the back, maybe? Maybe he said 'Kol Hakavod, you're doing a great job in the most constraining of circumstances'? Of course not. Like everybody else in this country he is an ingrate! Instead of being thankful that we are allowing the port to operate, he spat right in my face and in the face of the whole Agmon family! I'm telling you, The Agmon family and the rest of the Ashdod Port will not put up with this kind of finger pointing and shameless, baseless accusations! I have half a mind to order my family out of here right now – let's see them operate the port without all of us," Mr. Agmon threatened.

In response, spokeswoman for the comptroller said that the objections, excuses and half-baked explanations on the part of the government companies included in the report are unacceptable, "There is absolutely no excuse for nepotism in this day and age. We believe that the government and all its subsidiaries should hire people solely on their merits without regard to sex, race, religion or family relationship," said the spokeswoman, Tali Lindenstraus.

Related:
The original, interesting article in Haaretz (which, curiously, is far less anti-Zionist and anti-Semitic in its English internet version. Am I the only one to notice that?)


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Sunday, November 25, 2007

Israeli Government to Legalize Drugs "So the Rest of the Nation Can Share Our Experience"

ISL - Jerusalem
Upon concluding a two year, hands-on experiment with various recreational drugs, the Israeli government has announced that it will legalize drugs, "Our experience with a wide variety of drugs, from marijuana to heroin, has convinced us that there is absolutely no harm in them. On the contrary – all of the ministers lives have improved considerably, " said the official announcement.

Several ministers participated in the historic press conference and shared their experiences with reporters.
For instance, Prime Minister Olmert said that when he won his current job, he barely had a minute's rest, "All day long I had to make various decisions, some of them critical. I never could know if one decision or the other would be fatal to the country or not – the survival of Israel depends on such a delicate balance; the seriousness of it all was killing me – until I initiated the recreational drugs program," Olmert said, "Ever since then – my whole outlook has changed. I stopped worrying about the consequences of my decisions and as a result I sleep like a baby. Frankly – I've never felt better in my life and that is why I highly recommend a daily dose of your favorite drug," said Olmert.

Other ministers agreed with Olmert.
Peace Now Minister of Education, Yuli Tamir said that she has based her whole career on serving the public while on drugs, "It's the only way to deal with the pressure, "said Tamir, "Imagine if I would be taking all the strikes in our education system seriously – I would be distraught with worry, my face would wrinkle, and I would look terrible," said the Minister, "Instead, I could care less and I look better and that is why I recommend to all the parents whose children are missing out on a whole school year – take a deep breath, light a joint and realize that nothing, including the future of their children, really matters, "

Minister of Industry, Trade and Labor, Eli Yishai confided that his experience with drugs has helped him formulate a revolutionary new plan to accept unemployment, "For years the country has been trying to fight unemployment, sinking millions into all kinds of programs," Yishai said, "But my experience with drugs has made me realize that fighting unemployment is not only expensive, it is actually futile. Why fight the inevitable?" asked Yishai, " Now I believe we should embrace and even encourage unemployment and I know that if the unemployed get high enough, they will agree with me."
Unfortunately, not all the cabinet ministers have enjoyed such enlightening experiences. Former Defense Minister Amir Peretz experienced a terrible trip while popping LSD,


"He thought that Israel was being attacked by giant cockroaches," said his personal aide, Yoram Nitzan, "Unfortunately this trip occurred during the Lebanon War and Peretz is terrified by cockroaches. His responses were not always adequate," said Nitzan. Peretz is now rehabilitating from his addiction at an undisclosed, cockroach-free location.

Olmert shrugged off Peretz's experience, "Peretz is an isolated case – the rest of the cabinet couldn't be higher – I mean happier," said Olmert, laughing off his mistake, "We used to fight with each other over the silliest things like policy and budget allocations and every cabinet meeting was like world war three, but now –we pass joints around the cabinet table, we help each other find good veins, and we've found out that deep down inside we are all the same – mediocre people with way too much responsibility," said Olmert.
"Bottom line is that I used to have terrible nightmares – now I have the most fantastic daydreams – what's wrong with that?" asked Olmert.


Umm, only one thing – I'm afraid Olmert's daydreams are my nightmares, and I'd much prefer that he leave me out of them…don't you?


Related:
Feiglin – don't worry , be happy

Somewhat related:
Olmert Admits to ISL: "Not Enough Corruption in Government"


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Thursday, November 22, 2007

Israel to Supply Fighter Aircraft, Battle Tanks to Palestinians in Another Goodwill Gesture

ISL – Jerusalem
In another sign that the peace talks preceding the Annapolis summit are warming up, the Israeli government has approved a massive military aide package to the Palestinians. The goodwill gesture, the third in a series of lethal mutual gestures, will include twenty F-35 fighter planes and a battalion of Abrams Mark 3 battle tanks, as well as an artillery brigade of long-range 175 mm mobile cannons.
Israeli PM, Ehud Olmert, said that the gift was made because "History teaches us that the only way to make peace with your sworn enemy is to arm him to the teeth with the most advanced weapons available."

Olmert also said that the gesture had another, spiritual side to it, "The Palestinians have always felt insecure and inferior in their struggle with Israel," said Olmert, "But now, for the first time, they will they have their own modern army. Hopefully this will give them the self-confidence and security they need to finally come to terms with the existence of the Jewish state."
Israel has also volunteered to train the Palestinian soldiers who will form the new army, "Unfortunately training them will take, in some cases, several years," Olmert said, "But since we can't wait that long and we feel that they must have an army of their own – Israeli soldiers will replace the Palestinian ones until they are ready."

IDF Chief of Staff Ashkenazi clarified that the soldiers and pilots will come from the same units that took part in the expulsion of Jews from their homes in Gaza and Samaria, "They've already worked for the Palestinians so it's hard to believe that changing uniforms and taking orders directly from the Palestinians will make any difference to them," said Ashkenazi.
But despite the upbeat vibes coming from the Israeli side,


the Palestinian leadership still does not seemed convinced that the intentions of the Israeli government are peaceful, "The Israelis have lied to us so many times that we find it hard to trust them anymore," said Palestinian chief negotiator, Saeb Arakat , " Will the Israeli pilots really obey our orders? Will they bomb Jerusalem and Tel Aviv when we command them to?" asked Arekat, "And if they don't, can we really call this 'a goodwill gesture'? I mean, if we tell the Israeli tanks to overrun a settlement and they refuse our orders – can we really call that peace?"
"Of course not," Arekeat said, answering himself, "It is just another trick on the part of the Jews to gain our trust and then - when we least expect it - they will go behind our backs and force upon us a spy satellite or a nuclear bomb of our own or something else that will enable us to slaughter them and bring them to their knees, with or without a silly peace agreement," said Arekat, "Really, the Israelis make it so easy to kill them, it's almost not worth it."

Spokesman for the government denied that Israel is considering giving the Palestinians an atomic bomb as a gesture of peace, " The government denies that such a possibility has ever been discussed," said the spokesman, "It denies that Israel has a nuclear bomb, it denies that Olmert is a responsible, intelligent leader committed to the survival and well being of the country, and it emphatically denies that the ministers are capable of making rational decisions, unclouded by their own malice, short-sightedness and incompetence," said the spokesman.

Finally, a government denial we can all agree upon…

Related:

Israel Approves Armored Vehicles, Guns and Ammunition to Fatah - from INN

Abu-Mazen Issues Call for Philosophers at Sharm El-Shiekh Summit

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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Badly Dressed Palestinian Terrorists Threaten Annapolis, Army Says

ISL – Jerusalem
Army Chief Gabi Ashkenazy warned the government that badly dressed Palestinian terrorists, some of whom do not speak a word of English, are set to derail the upcoming Annapolis Summit, "We are seeing an increase in their attempts to murder Jews and thus sour the improving relationship between their sworn adversaries, the well-dressed, English speaking Palestinian terrorists and the Israeli Government," Ashkenazi reported .
Israeli PM, Ehud Olmert said that the government is well aware of the threat posed to the peace negotiations by reactionary Palestinian groups, "Their existence is one of the reasons we have decided to move ahead as quickly as possible with the current Palestinian leadership," said Olmert, "Sooner or later we will have to reach a deal with the Palestinians and it will be easier and better for Israel if we do so with Palestinian terrorists who wear three piece Armani suits and speak pretty good English," said Olmert, who also admitted that he found it easier to relate to the current leadership, "We have many common problems such as where to find good help these days or where to stash the cash we stole from our people," said Olmert.

Olmert also told reporters that he has ordered the Army to step up its efforts to locate and capture the uncouth terrorists who present a real threat, not only to Israel, but also to the whole of Western civilization, "Unfortunately, Israel is situated in the front of a historical battle between unshaved, soiled, straight-talking Palestinian genocidal terrorists, and clean, smooth-talking, English-speaking genocidal Palestinian terrorists," Olmert said, " This is a battle for our most basic values such as looking good in front a camera and


...ummm…other stuff."

In order to help the Army in its mission to save the peace summit, the government approved the release of 400 hundred terrorists, "Obviously, the more terrorists out there, the easier it will be for the army to find them," said Olmert, explaining the reasoning behind the baffling move.

Israeli negotiators , past and present, expressed support for the Government's stand against low-class terrorists and most agreed that dealing with polite, well-behaved murders and criminals such as Mahmoud Abbas, Muhammad Dahlan or Saeb Erekat is a pleasant experience compared to the alternatives, "Some Palestinian terrorists are notorious for not shaving for days, and even when they do they don't put on any decent aftershave," said Yossi Beilin with a shudder, " Some of them will come to a meeting dressed in dirty, threadbare jeans and of course, they can barely speak a word of English. Really, it makes you wonder of they are at all human!" said Beilin, who is a graduate of hundreds of hours of negotiations with unshaved Palestinians like the late Arafat: "Bottom line is, if you talk the talk and walk the walk, it doesn't matter how many people you killed, or how much money you embezzled from your nation – you're one of us," said the Israeli expert.


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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Palestinians Kill Israeli in Gesture to Israeli Government

ISL-Jerusalem
In a diplomatic gesture intended to convince the Israeli Government that the Palestinian Authority is taking its responsibilities seriously, Palestinian terrorists from the Fatah military wing shot and killed an Israeli settler yesterday near Kadumim.
This Palestinian gesture was preceded by an Israeli gesture in which close to a hundred terrorists were released.
A spokesman for the Israeli government said that the Palestinian gesture is a gratifying one and proves that the two sides "understand each other perfectly well". In view of this progress the spokesman said that the government is prepared to make yet another gesture of good will, in which a further four hundred terrorists will be released.

American Foreign Minister Condoleezza Rice praised the latest round of gestures: "We believe that these reciprocal gestures are an important part of the process," said Rice, "What this means is that Israelis and Palestinians are finally learning how to live together - or die - as the case may be. Before we know it," said the Foreign Minister, "If these gestures continue, the situation in the Middle East will resolve itself and we can all finally go back to doing what diplomats did before the Israeli-Arab conflict - nothing."

Meanwhile, Israelis remain wary of the current flurry of gestures, "A Palestinian gesture almost hit me in the stomach," said Avi, who escaped death by a hair in a separate incident, "Personally, I wish the politicians would save their gestures for each other and leave us common people alone."

See also:
HaMatzav Shelanu - Our Situation at West Bank Momma. Don't miss the video!
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Monday, November 19, 2007

Palestinians Agree to Israeli Embassy near Jerusalem – Annapolis Saved?

ISL – Jerusalem
In a significant diplomatic breakthrough, Israeli and Palestinian negotiators have agreed on a continued Jewish presence in Jerusalem in the framework of a final solution to the conflict that has plagued the region for decades.
Secretary of State Rice said that this is the first time the two sides have reached an agreement on one of the core issues of the final solution, indicating a willingness on the part of both sides to compromise in order to put the past behind them, " Finally the Palestinians have recognized the Jewish connection to Jerusalem while the Israelis have recognized that diplomatic success sometimes means bending over backwards – or forward, as the case may be - and forgetting who you are and what you represent."

Olmert hailed the new agreement, saying that although Jerusalem will have to be evacuated by the year 2010 it will be worth it, "It is true that half a million Jews will be displaced, but on the bright side, all those people who complained about the filthy streets and the high municipal taxes will be able to move to other cities and live there on the streets for free."
Olmert said that Jews will have free, non stop access to the holy places such as the Western Wall through the internet, "In fact, cameras will be placed all over Jerusalem and Jews in Israel and the Diaspora will be able to visit the city and walk in its streets through the internet anytime they want – it will be as if nothing has changed," promised Olmert.

According to sources the Israeli Embassy will be located near Jerusalem but not in it, "It is unfortunate that the Palestinians did not agree to let us have an embassy inside Jerusalem itself, but does that really matter?" asked the PM, "Why be a stickler for detail? What is important is that we have finally achieved the beginning of Peace, and the embassy - perhaps it will be in Beit-Shemesh and maybe even Tel-Aviv – after all most of the other embassies are already there so we might as well join them."
Olmert's coalition partners were a lot less sanguine about the agreement which still has to be approved by the cabinet and ratified by the Knesset.
Shas


, who promised to bolt the coalition if Jerusalem were to be discussed, said that it will most definitely consider leaving the coalition in the view of this recent, ominous development, "There is no doubt that in discussing Jerusalem and agreeing to disengage from it, Olmert has crossed a red line," said Shas leader, Eli Yishai, " And in view of this blatant disregard of our heritage and complete betrayal of the Israeli voters and the Jewish people everywhere, it goes without saying that our days in this putrid, anti-Zionist coalition are numbered," said Yishai,
"Numbered by the millions of shekels, to be exact."

Avigdor Lieberman, head of the right-wing party Israel Bietenu (Israel's [government] is Our Home), said that conceding Jerusalem is a minor issue in the bigger scheme of things, "The important thing is preparing to counter the Iranian threat which is growing daily, "said Lieberman, "And the only way Israel can do this is if I remain in charge," said the Minister for Strategic Threats. "It is unfortunate that hundreds of thousand of Jews will suffer but it is a small price to pay for staying in the coalition."

The Palestinians, somewhat predictably, were enraged about the outcome of the negotiations, "We never agreed to a Jewish internet presence in Jerusalem," said spokesman for the Palestinian delegation, Mr. Arak, "And we think it is terrible that Olmert and his black whore, Condoleezza Rice, are spreading such racist lies. All we agreed is that after Israel disengages from Jerusalem we will be willing to discuss reparations for all the damage Israel has done to the city in the past fifty years."
Mr. Arak said that it may take the Palestinians a whole generation to get Jerusalem back to the state it was in before the Jews ruined it completely by installing sewage and electricity and building thousands of houses and roads and planting trees and gardens all over the city, "We may have to come to terms with the fact that our dream of a desolate, deserted, barren city, populated by a few hundred scavengers, thieves and rats will never come true in our time,"
said the Palestinian representative, "But we will do our best – after all, our dreams are what make us human."
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Sunday, November 18, 2007

World-Wide Anti-Israeli Efforts Slowing Down Due to Senior Lecturer's Strike

ISL – Jerusalem
Entering its second month, the senior lecturers strike is having a profound effect on life in Israel and abroad. In the universities themselves students sit in classes for hours, staring at the blackboards without anybody talking to them. Some students have complained bitterly about this situation, saying that sitting in class without the soothing voice of a lecturer is unsettling. Others say that they have adjusted to the new reality by turning up the volume on their mp3 players. Both groups admit, however, that they are taking less notes now that the lecturers are not in class and that, apparently, "they are learning less."

To some, the impoverishment of a new generation of students is just one obvious result of the strike. Others have noticed an opposite trend – due to the strike, the anti-Israeli activities of the senior lecturers has declined, and with it the number of protests, petitions and boycotts organized against Israel itself in general and against Israeli academics in particular.
Dr. Ilan Peper, Head of "Academics For the Destruction of Israel" told ISL that the slowdown in anti-Israeli activity is a direct result of the strike, "We have suspended all of our academic activities which are comprised mainly of expressing hatred to Israel and the Jews," said Dr.Peper, "The country cannot expect us to work day and night, in Israel and abroad, with complete disregard for our health, in order to undermine it – on the salary it pays us.
"We are tired of being suckers," said Dr. Peper,

expressing the disappointment and frustration of thousands of senior lecturers who feel that the country simply does not appreciate the sacrifices they make while fabricating research in order to prove that Israel is a Nazi-like regime of maniacal, bloodthirsty Jews.
"Making up research isn't as easy as it sounds," says Dr. Peper, "It takes a lot of thought and groundwork. Sometimes dozens of hours can go into a well-fabricated piece of research, but in the end it is worth it - you have the satisfaction of a job well done as well as the ultimate fulfillment of our mission as seekers of knowledge – the Truth!"

Minister of Education Yuli Tamir said that she is aware of the damage not being done to Israel's image due to the lecturer's strike, but said that she is more concerned with the neglect of the students, "Boycotts of the fascist regime in Israel can always be organized for the next semester, but the orderly, anti-Zionist indoctrination of a new crop of students in the Humanities and Social Sciences is being completely botched. This is something that will be difficult to make up for later in the year," said Tamir, "And what is worse is that you can never know what kind of ideas the students are getting, now that they are left to their own devices," said the Minister, who is working around the clock in order to resolve this dangerous situation.

"According to the Finance Ministry," said Tamir, "So much money is going into defending Israel from boycotts and incitement abroad and
from violence caused by agitated Arab-Israelis and Palestinians in Israel, that none is left for higher education. In a way, the senior lecturers are caught in a vicious circle - the more successful their incitement is, the more money the government pours into guarding Israel from attacks, and the less money is available to reward them. They are a victim of their own success. It's sad, really," said Tamir.


How sad is it? Read for yourself:
Academics Against Israel - from The Middle East Forum

Update on 19 November: INN reports that an Arab lecturer in Sapir College tried to deny entry to class from a student returning from
reserve duty.

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Politician Who Cried "Peace With the Palestinians" - A Middle East Fable

The Politician Who Cried "Peace With the Palestinians""

Once there was a politician who was out on the campaign trail, trying to collect some votes. The politician got lonely and bored so he cried "Peace with the Palestinians". The voters rushed out to see what was going on. The politician was very pleased with this result. A few days later he was once again lonely and bored so he tried his little trick. Once more the voters rushed out to see what was going on.
And so it went on – every time the politician got lonely or bored, he cried "Peace with the Palestinians" and the voters came and returned sorely disappointed.
And then one day, a real live, unarmed Palestinian politician came out of the woods waving a white flag. The politician happily cried out "Peace with the Palestinians" but by this time the voters were up to his tricks and nobody came.

So the politician sat down with the peaceful Palestinian. They talked and talked but nobody came. They drew maps and divided the country. They signed agreements and broke them. They fought and made up. They gave each other medals and citations for their diplomatic skills. They established institutes for peace, projects for peace and conducted marathon peace summits. Nobody came but eventually they stopped caring.
Legend has it that to this day, somewhere in Israel, deep in the desert, there are two politicians, one Israeli and one Palestinian, arguing about peace and kicking up sandstorms.

The moral of the story is this:
1 - If you want to have peace, keep the politicians out of it, especially if one of them is called Peres.
2 – Palestinians who want peace exist only in fiction, for all we know.
3 – People learn more quickly in fables than in real life…

Inspired by Treppenwitz who asks, quite correctly, Peace When, Mr. President?
and by the lovely Aesop fable "The Boy Who Cried Wolf".
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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Budget Cuts Threaten Hebrew Alphabet in Israel

ISL – Jerusalem
In the midst of a month-long teacher's strike coupled with a concurrent strike by Israel's senior university lecturers, the Hebrew alphabet – the very core of Israel's culture - is being threatened by additional budget cuts planned by Finance Ministry officials.
According to reports, the devaluation of the dollar, together with the ever increasing cost of peace with the Palestinians has driven Israeli budget planners over the edge and they are now threatening to cut off support for the alphabet.

The Hebrew language had been revived in the beginning of the last century by cultural entrepreneur Eliezer Ben-Yehudah and for many years the renewed language existed independently, growing steadily while relying on voluntary individual contributions. However, with the establishment of the State of Israel in 1948, the language, like many other institutions, was nationalized by the socialist government, claiming that the free market was ruining the language that rightfully belonged to the people. In the words of the immortal Yerehmiel Potz, first chairman of the Committee for the Cooperative Management of the Hebrew language, "Only a well-regulated, clearly defined language, run by a committee, staffed by the country's brightest politicians, can secure the Hebrew language and free it from the tyranny of unregulated spontaneity and creativity."

The Hebrew language, used to fighting for itself, gradually stagnated. Massive budgets were introduced to enhance the language and spread it among the people. New words were invented by the committee and marketing budgets of millions of shekels were poured into publicizing its decisions. Yet, for some unfathomable reason, the popularity of the language declined. Words became mangled, sentences unsure. Support for the language wavered and it was not spared in the great budget cuts of the eighties and nineties. The situation became worse and yet, until now, no one dared do the unthinkable and try to actually cut the alphabet itself.
In the words of Israel's Education minister, Yuli Tamir,


"The proposed cut will entail the removal of one letter a year from the alphabet until the language regains financial solvency," said Tamir, "It is up to my office to decide which letters will "walk the plank" so to speak, and although we will appeal this decision and try to rally the PM's support along with public opinion, we still have to be prepared for the worst."
According to Tamir the letter most likely to be dropped first will be the letter "H".
"It is a widely used letter and also a wildly misused one. Surveys show that it is the most disliked letter in the alphabet by a wide margin (the letter "Caf" came in second and the letter "Resh" was the most loved) and it is also the most wasteful. Half the time nobody pronounces it anyway and the other half it is used incorrectly," said Tamir.

"Our calculations show that by dropping just this one letter and not printing it anymore, we can save over ten million NS annually, considering the ink saved, the space unused, and the words left unsaid, all adding up to a significant sum which perhaps will enable us to save the rest of the Hebrew alphabet for future generations," said the Minister.

Despite Tamir's optimism, critics of her decision have already spoken out against her suggestion, " The letter "H" is a crucial letter, said Rabbi Tannenbaum, who is heading a new "Save the "Hey" campaign, "How will pious Jews be able to pray without mentioning G-d ," asked the Rabbi, who accused Tamir of extreme insensitivity to the needs of the Jewish citizens of the country, "Why can't we drop a letter from the Arabic alphabet?" asked the Rabbi, "Why does it always have to be the Jews who get screwed?"

Tamir replied that the Arabic alphabet already has only twenty letters, making it one of the shortest, most impoverished alphabets in the world, "There is no doubt in my mind that our ancestors, somehow bought or stole away two or three letters from the poor Arabs, so it is only fair that we now give it back to them or at least stop flaunting our bigger alphabet – how do you think it makes them feel?' said Tamir, "In any case, though, nothing has been decided yet. We are putting together a counter proposal that will remove all punctuation marks instead, since no one understands how to use them anyway. Another idea we had is to switch to "Alphabet Savings Time" in which the population will use the alphabet for shorter hours during the winter. This way we will be able to preserve the alphabet just by talking a little bit less," said Tamir, "Which isn't such a bad idea considering some of the things people out there are saying…about me."




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Monday, November 12, 2007

Olmert Indicted for Jaywalking; Faces up to Thirty Years in Prison

ISL-Jerusalem
For years the authorities have been after him. He has been charged with murder, high larceny, fraud and dozens of other crimes, large and small. Rumors of his wheelings and dealings came and went, leaving behind the unmistakable odor of decay and corruption, familiar by now to all Israeli citizens - the terrible "Olmert Smell".
But despite the unceasing efforts of Israel's finest, led by the fearless Attorney General, Manny "The Man" Mazoz, Israel's Prime minister and foremost felon was never nabbed – until now.

"Like Al Capone, Olmert will end his career because of a slip-up, a human error, a stupid mistake made by a vain, complacent mobster," said Mazoz at a press conference yesterday in Jerusalem Police Headquarters.
"I always knew he was a criminal," said the AG, reminiscing, "All it took was just one look at him and I knew right away that standing before me was a criminal mind the like of which had not been seen in this country since Elimelech Zurkin ruled the streets of Bat-Yam with an iron fist.

"But in Israel criminals are innocent until proven guilty, no matter how obvious their crimes are. Therefore it became more urgent than ever to catch Olmert and prove his guilt once and for all", said Manny, "Or else, how can we expect the population to trust a justice system that cannot even put behind bars a man who smirks like the Joker?" asked the Attorney General.

"That is why I am glad to announce that today we finally made a breakthrough. Yes, we sent one hundred policemen to raid dozens of offices and private homes but we've been doing that for years and where has that got us?" admitted Mazoz. " Always there is some tiny loophole in the law, such as "lack of evidence", that Olmert and his wily lawyers manage to exploit and somehow slip through yet again.
"But this time we have him


– we have three witnesses, tucked away in a safe place of course who swear that Olmert jaywalked – not once, gentlemen, no, that could be forgiven or perhaps over looked, not even twice which is reprehensible but human – no, three times, and all while serving as prime minister, no less. Of course, we also have a confession, given by his wife, who admits seeing Olmert commit these crimes and in fact also participated in them herself so that she is a knowing accessory to the crime. Her part in this heinous affair will be dealt with separately, as part of a plea deal," said the Attorney General.

"What we have here, ladies and gentlemen of the press is man – a lawyer yet! – who knowingly breaks the law not once, not twice – but three whole times!" said Mazoz, "And what is more , Olmert obviously knew or thought he knew that his position would protect him from prosecution. Perhaps Olmert thought that he could once again buy or bribe or somehow talk his way out of this one," said the AG, "Well, have I got news for you Mr. Prime minister – this is the end of the road," said Mazoz who stopped for a moment and stared down the roomful of reporters.
"We are going to throw the book at the PM. We must do so if only to show that there is only one kind of justice in Israel," said Mazoz, "The same justice for everybody, be he high or low or in between - the Justice of Manny Mazoz."

ISL legal experts say that Olmert could be facing up to thirty years in jail consisting of a 1000 NS fine for three counts of alleged jaywalking and twenty years or more in jail for annoying the attorney general.
Meanwhile Olmert's attorney Omri Volkowitch denies the charges, "Olmert may be a corrupt SOB, he may have embezzled millions, peddled his influence and accepted bribes, but as god is my witness, he never jaywalked – he's just not that kind of man," said Volkowitch.

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Sunday, November 11, 2007

Survey: 30 percent of Israeli Jews are Blind, Deaf and Suffer Hallucinations

ISL- Tel Aviv
Tel Aviv University released its Peace Index poll of the Jewish public, revealing once again an alarming trend: a growing number of Jews are Blind and Deaf and suffer from periodic hallucinations.
For instance, after more than 1500 murdered and many thousand wounded, as well as experiencing a complete change in lifestyle, only sixty-eight percent of Israeli Jews think the Palestinians constitute a serious security threat while 29 percent do not think so. Another question reveals that despite a consistent, unequivocal message conveyed for years, both verbally and physically, only 65 percent of Jews accept the reality that "Most of the Palestinians have not accepted Israel's existence and would destroy it if they could."
These numbers, along with other evidence, have convinced researchers that a large part of Jewish society in Israel is suffering from a unique disease. Its symptoms are a fading and selective memory, a false sense of security, an increasingly tenuous connection to reality and momentary lapses of concentration which tend to increase with time.
This hitherto largely unknown disease has been dubbed: "Jewish Alzheimer" by the experts, "Large parts of the patients memory are erased, especially anything connected to their Jewish identity," said Israeli Surgeon General, Professor Yoram Katz, "On the other hand, hallucinations of grandeur and omnipotence occur, causing symptomatic behavior, such as signing fictitious "peace" agreements, that may be dangerous and even fatal to the patient and his surroundings."
The disease is also known as "Peresitis", after the so called "patient zero" – President Shimon Peres.


Peres was diagnosed with the disease several years ago: "The case of Shimon Peres proves that a fulfilling life is possible even with the disease," said Professor Katz, who prescribed a steady dose of political appointments, parties, rallies and daily flattery in order to counter the symptoms. The professor admits though that the results have disappointing, "We've learned a lot since those early days and today the treatment is better and more effective."

According to national health statistics, the disease is rampant among secular Ashkenazi Jews. Experts estimate that nearly three quarters of them are infected already, "If you know such a person and he reads 'Haaretz' and watches news on Israeli television, chances are he is already well on his way to losing his mind," says Prof. Katz.

"Voting for Meretz, 'Peace' agreements and razing Jewish settlements are only some of the irrational, sick behaviors that may result." said the expert, "In such cases the authorities should be notified immediately and the patient sent to detox - our new, experimental cure for this curious disease," said Prof. Katz.
"In extreme cases we send the patient to the Yeshiva at the Yitzha settlement. There, the patient is introduced into a daily routine of Jewish customs- praying, studying torah, and acknowledging God. This routine, coupled with physical work on the organic farms and good fresh air, has proven to be quite effective and many patients experience a complete relapse of their symptoms," said Prof. Katz, "Unfortunately, others have gone mad, so we're still working on the correct dosage of Judaism to counter the effects of the patients upbringing and lifestyle," said the Professor, "Sooner or later we'll get it right."

Is anybody near you suffering from this disease? Are you afraid to ask for help? Fight back now and reclaim your life, and remember – Peresitis can be cured!

Don't be a Peresite!
Call 999-IAM-JEWISH- TOO and get your life back!
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Thursday, November 8, 2007

Beitar Fan Confesses – "The Devil Possessed Me"

ISL-Jerusalem
Only days after leading the Beitar Jerusalem fans in booing during a moment of silence for St. Rabin, Shalom Mizrachi, a notorious, diehard fan, admitted that he was wrong, "I don't know what came over me," David said in a press conference at The Ministry of Peace headquarters,
"I was standing in silence like everyone else when all of a sudden, I saw Rabin signing the Oslo Accords and hugging Arafat. A picture came up of him giving guns to the Palestinians and immediately after that I had a vision of Jews, dying and wounded, hundreds and thousands of them, bleeding, and blasted into little pieces. I saw exploding buses, coffee-shops and pubs going up in flames, and all of a sudden, everything seemed so wrong to me. Rabin came to me in my vision - not the beautiful, divine, exquisitely sculptured Rabin we all know and love, " said David, "In my vision he had two horns and a pitchfork. He breathed dark flames of horror at me, and he kicked the ball into Israel's own goal! I booed and screamed and then I blacked out. I don't know what happened after that."

"Weak-minded, simple people and also the sick and elderly have been known to have such visions of the devil disguised as St. Rabin," said Bishop Yoni Barak, "but this is the first time in years that we have seen a mass, spontaneous outbreak of this disease.
"Treatment is simple enough," said the Bishop, " A good whipping is usually sufficient to banish the devil and make people come back to their senses. Sometimes a few days on the rack are needed to do the trick. David made a surprisingly quick recovery, but just to make sure he doesn't relapse he will remain with us for further treatment.
"Of course, here at the Ministry of Peace we abhor suffering and pain. All we want is to live in peace and quiet but alas, someone has to do the job, or else the country will be run over by heretics and Satanists and we will quickly slip back into The Dark Ages, before Rabin walked the earth and blessed us with his sublime Vision of Peace Everlasting."

Meanwhile Israel's foremost peace theologian and champion of human rights, Yossi Beilin, said that the behavior of Beitar fans is inexcusable,


"I don't care who saw what or why – such a public display of contempt for everything Good People stand for is unacceptable. This is why freedom of speech must be limited to those people who are able to use it responsibly."
Beilin said that he will propose a new law that will stop the abuse of the most basic of human rights, such as freedom of speech, by people who think differently, "We must protect the majority of upright citizens who love and cherish St. Rabin and the Doctrine of Everlasting Peace. Heretics, deviants, witches and Satan worshippers, like Beitar Jerusalem fans, will not be tolerated in our midst. I'm sure the Supreme Court will understand," Beilin said.

ISL is quite sure the Supreme court will understand perfectly well.

This Beitar fiasco reminds me of a great joke that used to be told about Soviet Russia:

"What is the difference between the Soviet constitution and the American one?"
Answer:
"The Soviet constitution guarantees freedom of speech and freedom of assembly.
The American constitution guarantees freedom of speech and freedom of assembly after speaking and assembling…"


Hatip
: Israel Jewish News

See also:
The Muqata who joins the Booing. There is a video which shows the booing - not for the weak-hearted! Scroll down to the comments which are good too.



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Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Kassam Rockets Don't Fall - Sderot Residents Treated for Shock

ISL-Sderot
For the first time in two years rockets have failed to fall in Sderot for a record consecutive twenty-four hours, causing an eerie, almost deathly silence to envelop the once lively border town.
The shock to the remaining citizens was considerable and dozens were treated by medics for trauma. More than a dozen were hospitalized for further treatment. David Cohen, Head of Sderot Emergency Services, told ISL that the situation, although frightening at first, is under control, "Using the public address system and the so-called "buddy network" we managed to convey to the residents of the city that there is really nothing to worry about – most likely it is just a short respite in the bombings and nothing more."
Freddy Vaknin, a lifetime resident of Sderot said that the situation is unbearable, "I'm used to hearing the rockets fall every few hours. The tension of not hearing them come, and not trying to escape death constantly is just killing me. I have a heart condition and the doctor already told me that I can't handle the stress caused by sudden, unexpected changes in my routine.

Other residents have been hit economically by the sudden cessation of hostilities. One of them is Motti, who organizes one of the largest betting operations in town, "People here will wager on anything – when the Kassam will fall, and where it will fall and even how many people will get hurt or killed. Last week one of the guys hit the jackpot and won fifty thousand NS, which he blew immediately on extra armor for his house and car."
Like many other residents Motti doesn't know what will happen to him if the situation continues to deteriorate, "If the Kassam will not fall again tomorrow and for a few more days after that – my business will be ruined. I'll have to go back to work and god knows if I will be able to. I don't think I can even remember how to do my job," Motti said wistfully, "It's been such a long time."

Despite the new hardship which has struck the long-suffering town, Israeli government officials expressed satisfaction at the new development, "This just goes to show that using force is stupid," said the MoD Ehud Barak, "Hamas tried to lure us into launching massive ground operations and relentless air strikes to stop the shelling of our towns and defend our citizen's lives and properties," Barak said, " But we understood that it was an obvious ploy to make us look bad in world public opinion.
"Fortunately for the country,

we refused to take the bait, and here we are, two years later – and guess what – we won!! We undermined their resolve, pushed aside their odious ambitions, pounded them into the ground! And all this we did by sitting on our hands and doing nothing," Barak explained.

The Ministry of Defense will issue all soldiers who participated in the efforts to not defend Sderot a special badge of valor, "As a former soldier I know how difficult it is to stand by and do nothing when the enemy is destroying your home, killing your loved ones and disrupting your life constantly," Barak said, "So, this badge is a token of the country's appreciation for our soldiers, in honor of the courage and bravery and sheer heroism they never displayed in this long, hard, bitterly-contested war they never fought.

"Victory is sweet," said Barak, lighting a cigar in his air-conditioned office, 300 feet under the ground in an undisclosed location in Tel Aviv, "And I am happy for the residents of Sderot that they can finally crawl out of their partially reinforced homes and walk the streets of their battered city in complete safety, confident that the government and especially the victorious Israeli army, headed by myself, will be there to protect them as always," Barak said.
"I would be glad to join them on this happy day," added Barak, "But just to be on the safe side, I think I'll stay right where I am for another year… or two…or three..."


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Tuesday, November 6, 2007

New Peace Police to Protect Israelis From Reality

ISL-Jeruslaem
In preparation for Israel's coming announcement of True, Unilateral Peace, Everlasting and Sublime, between Israel and the Palestinians, the government is introducing a new, comprehensive Peace Law which will ensure that the new Peace will be kept, "Obviously extremists on both sides are going to try and derail the Unilateral Peace Process," said spokesman for the PM, Oded Barkat, "just like they did after the Oslo Accords were signed and ever since. But this time," the spokesman said, "we will be prepared."
The new law will establish a Ministry of Peace with its own "Peace Police" whose first mission will be to protect the public from any information contradicting the government's vision of a New Middle East: "One of the big mistakes made in the previous efforts to achieve True Peace was allowing the media to report each and every fatality," said Peres, who may become the country's first "Minister of Peace", "Obviously the endless parade of burning buses and depressing funerals caused the public to question the whole process," said Peres, "Which is why this must stop."

According to the new law, over-zealous reporters who insist on conveying such information to the public will be arrested and tried by special procedure in the new "Peace Courts" which will be established by the same law.
"For instance, the shelling of cities in the south of the country is really not something that the public should worry about and it gives them the exact opposite impression of Peace, In fact, to many people it looks like War," Peres said, "of course that is illegal or will be soon."
Talking about such anti-peace events in private will also be illegal. A network of informers will be constructed, headed by the Jewish Division in the Israel Security Service which will be moved to the new Ministry of Peace and renamed: "The Division for Peace and Security".
"We will have True Peace in this country if we have to spy on every god-damned Jew in the nation," Peres said,


"an informer for every worker is my new motto." (Hebrew link)

The new laws will also prevent scandals such as the ever dwindling, yet continuing coverage of right wing politicians, not to mention settlers, who tend to infect the public with their logical arguments and doomsday predictions which, until now, have proven invariably correct.

In fact, it is questionable if political parties to the right of Meretz will be allowed to exist, "This is a matter that the best legal minds in the country are looking into, " said Peres, "On the one hand, it may look undemocratic to abolish other parties, as wrong and as pig-headed as they may be, but on the other hand, democracy is such a small sacrifice to make for True Peace, isn't it?
"When all the news we see on the television will be good news, when we never hear a word about terrorism or bombing or people dying, when Jews and Arabs live peacefully with each other at long last – who will care if there is one party or ten? Who will care what they are allowed to say or not? Who will care that it is all an illusion, a pleasant, peaceful illusion, an illusion which we have worked so hard to achieve, sacrificed so much to gain, that we cannot let go of it now, so late in the game, no matter what the price?"


Related:
Israel to Declare Unilateral Peace at Annapolis Summit
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Monday, November 5, 2007

Olmert Announces He Has AIDS, Approval Rate Soars

ISL-Jerusalem
One week after the Israeli PM dramatically announced that he had cancer, Olmert today said that he also has AIDS. The virus is at this moment inactive, but the announcement still caused another surge in Olmert's approval ratings and they have reached an all-time high of twenty five percent - up from 11 percent last week.
Olmert's PR man who was considering suicide just a few weeks ago says that this is the finest hour of Olmert's time in office, " Getting AIDS is the best thing that could have happened to Olmert," said his PR advisor Yoni Peleg, " In fact, a few more well-timed diseases and we could be looking at another four years in office!"
Peleg said that it is clear that becoming sick is the best, perhaps the only way Olmert has a chance to stay in power, "Therefore, we are planning a PR campaign, based on illness. We started with cancer, we had the good luck to get AIDS, and now we will continue with other various diseases such as gonorrhea, small pox, pneumonia, and so on – each sickness increasing Olmert's popularity ten-fold, until we reach the elections.
"Then," said the excited PR man, " the coup de grace - we will announce that it has become imperative to amputate one of Olmert's legs. He will spend the whole campaign in a wheelchair, just like FDR – and we will be unbeatable!" gloated the marketing expert.
Although Olmert has been rumored to be less than delighted with these plans, no one is arguing with the facts and as a result, his success is now having his rivals scrambling. For instance, Ehud Barak, Minister of Defense appeared yesterday on Israel's popular morning show "Good Morning Israel" where he talked for an hour about his hemorrhoids. He also took off his shoes and showed the audience a terrible case of eczema. Following the show, his approval rating hit a new, all-time high of six percent, which prompted a spontaneous celebration on the part of his supporters - all five of them. Yuli Tamir went on air and admitted



that she suffers from Alzheimer disease and most of the time cannot remember who she is or explain what she did. Other cabinet members also admitted that they cannot remember who she is and why she is there.
Olmert's other main political rival, Bibi Netanyahu, said that he refuses to participate in this mad race to cater to the lowest common denominator, " Israel needs a strong healthy leader, with a sound mind and body, not a disease-ridden, festering prime-minister who is rotting away, physically as well as spiritually, " said Netanyahu, "And besides," he added, "My back is acting up again. I have to go lie down…"

Meanwhile, ISL political observer says that the Israeli public is not as stupid as it seems: " They realize that the sicker Olmert gets, the healthier Israel becomes, " said Hanan Goldblum, our senior analyst, "Which is why Olmert is getting more popular as his situations worsen. In the end, like Rabin, he will be far more popular dead than alive."

Related:
Olmert Cancer "Ploy to Gain Sympathy" Colleagues Say
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Thursday, November 1, 2007

Israel to Declare Unilateral Peace at Annapolis Summit

ISL – Jerusalem
Israeli PM, Ehud Olmert, revealed today his government's strategy for the upcoming Annapolis Peace Conference with the Palestinians, a strategy which is unique in the history of nations:
"We are sick and tired of waiting for the Palestinians and the rest of the meshuganeh Arabs to come to their senses," said Olmert, "So we have decided to do what should have been done long ago – my government will go to Annapolis, and no matter what the results, no matter how bad things get, we will declare True Peace, Eternal and Everlasting, between us and the Palestinians," said Olmert.
"I feel bad that the situation has reached the point where, once again, we must act unilaterally, but we feel that we have no choice – for fifteen years we have been planning peace and talking about peace and promising peace, but in reality what do we have to show for it? Just more violence, more threats, more attacks - it almost seems like it will never end! To this bleak reality we say 'Enough! No more!'
"The people of Israel want peace now and they need peace now and, as Barak is my witness, that's what we will give them!" declared Olmert.
The PM further explained that the Declaration of Unilateral Peace will not be an empty statement devoid of any real measures but rather, it will be accompanied by corresponding moves such as the immediate disarming of the Israeli Army:



"Since we are declaring Ultimate, Everlasting True Peace between us and our neighbors, then, obviously, we do not need an Army, right?" asked Olmert. "Does Belgium have an army? Does Switzerland? Of course not – they live in peace among friends and from now on so do we. It is written that the lamb shall live with the lion – well, I say - so be it!!"
Olmert also said that Israel will open it's borders to all comers, "We have nothing to fear – we are at peace with ourselves and the world and we welcome anyone who wants to live with us in our beautiful country – the more the merrier," said Olmert, who added, " as long as they are not Jews, since Shitrit says that we have enough of them already."
FM Zippi Livni, who will lead the Israeli delegation in Annapolis, said that this is the happiest day of her life, "Like all Israelis, I too have been waiting all my life for True Peace with our neighbors. I want to be able to go to Ramallah and have a good, authentic falafel at the Abu-Shukri Falafel Palace™ . We want to go down to Gaza and have ourselves a good plate of native Hummus with freshly baked pita and a tiny vegetable salad and then, to wash it down with the pitch black coffee that only our dear Arab friends know how to make, Bless their souls," said Livni, who was literally bursting with excitement. "After two thousand years of exile– we deserve a good meal, don't we?"

Right-wing skeptics pounced on the announcement, saying that the Olmert government had finally lost its mind, "Israel won't survive five minutes without an Army," said opposition leader Netanyahu, "and leaving the borders open is insane – it will cost thousands of lives!" shrieked the exasperated former prime minister.
Army chief Gabi Ashkenazi warned that dismantling the Army could have serious consequences for the security of the country but that, existential threats notwithstanding, he would obey orders, " First and foremost I am a soldier and I will do what I am told."

Peres, who dedicated his life to this moment, dismissed the right-wing outcry, "They said exactly the same things before the Oslo agreement and before Wye, and before Camp David – and you can see for yourself that things have only gotten better!"
said the happy President, "The fact is, here we are, only a few days away from True, Eternal Peace!
"Really, I don't know what's up with those right-wing fanatics - maybe they're just party-poopers or maybe they just don't like Hummus. Whatever their problem is – they'll just have to deal with it."


So, what do you think? How much is a plate of (native!) Hummus worth to you?
On the other hand, maybe we really shouldn't be so grumpy all the time? Maybe we should stop worrying and be happy?
Really, what are these people smoking? Can we have some too?


See also:
Olmert's Strategy For Annapolis Summit Revealed – at Doc's Talk
Meir Shitrit gives the cold shoulder to new olim at INN
Moshe Feiglin, the biggest party-pooper of them all, says "Don't worry, be Happy". Or not...
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