Sunday, January 20, 2008

Government Crushes Insurgency in Sderot, Blames Settlers

ISL – Sderot

For a brief moment yesterday, Sderot residents, living under a constant barrage of missiles for the past two years, lost their patience with the Israeli Government and spontaneously protested their plight, going so far as to placing responsibility for their insufferable situation directly at the feet of the Israeli Government.
Government forces acting swiftly and decisively, quickly destroyed the threat to the government's self image. In the ensuing security operations, two of the protesters were arrested and the other two sent to bed without dinner.

In light of the new and unexpected insurgency in Sderot, the Government has declared a state of emergency, moving Infantry Division 345 from its regular station on the border with Syria to the city of Sderot in order to counter any additional moves by the insurgency. Division 345 will be backed up by Tank Brigade 456 and the regular police forces in the area. Other Army units in the area are ready to stop training any moment and move post-haste to secure the city of Sderot and battle the insurgents.

Olmert expressed his dismay at the development, saying that Israel could ill-afford an internal revolt at this time, just as negotiations between Israel and the Head Janitor of the Ramallah Compound have picked up, "For the fifth time in the past decade we are on the verge of a historic peace agreement," Olmert explained, "We are really really close to nearly signing an agreement to continue the talks next month," said Olmert, "So this is hardly the time to make demands on the government that could only delay peace even more."
Olmert also said he was surprised at the sudden outburst,

"I don't understand what happened - for two years they suffer quietly and all of a sudden all hell breaks loose?"

Olmert pointed out that under the current contract between the Israeli voters and the Government, it is the duty of the Government to strive for peace and it is the duty of the citizens within the range of the terrorists weapons to die, so that the eventual peace will be worthwhile, "If nobody is dying, what would be the point of all these peace talks?" asked Olmert, "Obviously the citizens of Sderot have to do their job just the same as we are doing ours."

Olmert said that he blamed settler agitators who infiltrated the unsuspecting population and contaminated them with their crazy ideas such as: "Terrorists should be killed - not negotiated with" or that it is not necessary to die for peace.
"I don't blame the citizens of Sderot," said Olmert, "Obviously they have been misled by fanatical Right-wing settlers who somehow escaped our surveillance and infiltrated the city."
According to some sources, the number of Right wing fanatics currently under government surveillance is close to four hundred thousand, "It is possible that one or two got away," said Olmert, "But we will find them – Sderot is surrounded and they have nowhere to go."

In the photo: Olmert runs down a citizen of Sderot in what will
undoubtedly become a legendary moment in Israeli political history:

Of course this is based on the unforgettable scene from the Princess Bride. If you haven't seen the movie than do so - it's pure fun, and if you have, why, I'm sure you'll enjoy seeing this video once more:

Sderot: As Rockets Continue to Fall, Protesters Get Arrested From INN

Hat Tip: Joe Settler
Follow IsraelSatireLab on Twitter


Chaya said...

Olmert is an idiot!!!! What is he still doing here?? Why hasn't he left yet????

satiricohen said...

I see that we must revoke your free speech license.
Why is that people never learn??