Saturday, January 19, 2008

Israeli Government to Issue Free Speech Licenses

ISL – Jerusalem
"Due to unprecedented attacks on the very foundations of free speech perpetrated by the fanatical right wing fringes of Israeli society, the Government has been forced to take drastic steps in order to protect the democratic rights of its citizens," declared Israel's Prime Leader, Ehud Olmert the Magnificent.

The Peerless One was referring to an incident in which two Right-wing fanatics attempted to attack foreign media with a pamphlet consisting of unauthorized, and seditious facts about the involvement of the Palestinian Government in terror and incitement. Fortunately no harm was done to Israel as police were on hand to confiscate the pamphlets and save reporters from the confusion that could have resulted from processing conflicting reports.
In another incident, Right-wing militants also tried to publicly display posters with the illegal image of Jonathan Pollard who is serving time for helping Israel survive – an offense so grave, so heinous that his very existence has been denied by the Government.
In yet a further incident, a blogger published a comment so violent, so homophobic and so unfavorable to the government that it does not bear repeating here or anywhere else. In fact - the comment was so terrible that no one actually knows what it is.

Following these unfortunate incidents the Government said that it will begin to issue free speech licenses to eligible citizens, "Free speech is the basis of Israeli democracy," explained Supreme Leader Ehud Olmert, "And for that very reason must be protected at all costs even if it means a small degree of inconvenience to the citizens. Believe me, it is for your own good," said Olmert the Wise.
A spokesman for the new Department of Free Speech said that citizens will be able to apply for eligibility in a simple and straightforward process:

" All one has to do is to arrive at the offices in downtown Jerusalem with all the appropriate documents, including party membership, complete dental and health records, updated psychiatric profile, educational records and records of gainful employment for the past twenty years, as well as a valid subscription to Ha'aretz and drivers license."

Pending the approval of the application, the applicant will swear an oath to abide by the rules of free speech as set forth in "The New Layman's Guide to Free Speech", authored by "A", Head of the Jewish Section in the Israeli Security Service.
An oath of loyalty to the government is recommended but not necessary, "Of course, this being a democracy, no one has to swear loyalty to the government in order to exercise their basic right of Free Speech," said the spokesman, "However it can speed up the process and really why would anyone not want to swear allegiance to Olmert the Omniscient?"

The spokesman added that declaring loyalty to the government will upgrade the Free Speech License to the Gold Star Version which has many benefits, "In addition to complete and unfettered Free Speech*, one also has the added luxury of becoming a Free Speech Deputy and receiving the Badge of Free Speech which one can proudly wear at all times as a sign of excellence in performance of civic duty – the duty of Free Speech."
"Free Speech Deputies also have the right and indeed the duty to apprehend violators of Free Speech," said the Spokesman, concluding, "Free Speech is like a beautiful but delicate flower which must and will be protected at all costs."

Want to bolster Israeli democracy? Want to protect our fragile democracy from those malicious, Right-wing violators of Free Speech? Then Sign up today for your Free Speech License* and start exercising that most precious of freedoms – the glorious and celebrated Freedom of Speech*!

*Terms and restrictions apply – see Free Speech Guide.

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