Tuesday, January 29, 2008

New, Enterprising Jihad Group Raises Prices on Bombers, Offers Extra Virgins

ISL – Gaza

Despite being throttled by harsh Israeli sanctions, which lasted for one whole day, the Gaza economy is as vibrant as ever, led by the fiscal steam engine of Jihad.
In fact, competition is so intense that nearly everyday new Jihadist start-ups are being established, creating a fiercely competitive environment.
For instance, a new group calling itself "Jihad Now" has just launched an innovative marketing campaign, offering better deals than ever on suicide bombings: "Families that offer to sacrifice their sons and daughters can get over 500$ for each successful bombing, depending on the number of infidels killed and wounded" says Chief of Marketing, Osama Al-Baz, who added, "This is the deal of a lifetime."

To sweeten the deal, the maverick group is also offering a raise in virgins to the suicide bombers themselves, "Everybody is offering 72 virgins, " says Al-Baz, "For some reason this has become the accepted standard – but now, with our new offer – suicide bombers can get twice as many virgins of the highest quality, at no risk whatsoever to themselves. Our policy is 'Your satisfaction 100% guaranteed or your money back'."
Al-Baz says that such guarantees have become necessary because of dilettante freelancers who dabble in Jihad hoping to make a quick dinar off of unsuspecting Muslims, "These con-men promise everything but in the end give nothing," says Al-Baz, "They are a disgrace to the honest profession of Jihad and to every decent Muslim terrorist."
Al-Baz is especially proud of the group's television campaign, which highlights numerous satisfied families,

"Of course they are real families – credibility is very important to us," says Al-Baz, "For instance, we have the Hamid family from Shata, who offered their 13-year old retarded son as a suicide bomber – they came away with 500$, and as far as we know their child is much better off now in heaven then he was here on earth, while his family is also much happier – it’s a win-win situation for everybody," says Al-Baz.
The ads also feature Muhammad Al-Dura – the poster boy for Palestinian suffering and sacrifice, "Al-Dura is seen as a role model for Palestinian kids who want to die and become internationally famous. The ad is very effective," says Al-Baz, "And it has brought us so many prospective suicide bombers that recently we have had to turn away those sweet kids – it's such a shame to disappoint the children and not let them kill themselves for their families and their religion," admitted Al Baz, "But this is a business – we can afford only so much sentimentality."

What can I say except: God forbid we ever display such sentimentality to our own children!

Suicide bombers in Afghanistan are retarded - from Time Magazine.

"Blowing myself is the only chance for sex with 72 virgins" - from Jihad Watch.

Terrorists recruit illiterate, retarded kids from Israpundit

Terrorist Tourism Spurs Recovery of Palestinian Economy

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TopEggs said...

I like what you're doing here. Funny stuff.

Good job

satiricohen said...

Thanks - see my comment on your topeggs blog.