Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Commissioner Goodell Reveals New England Patriots Spy Network!

ISL – New York

Can things possibly get worse for the New England Patriots? Just two days after losing Super Bowl XLII and a forfeiting a historically perfect season, League Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that League investigators, in cooperation with the F.B.I. and Interpol, have uncovered a vast, well organized spy network run by New England Coach Bill Belichick for almost a decade.
The investigation terminated on Super Bowl Sunday when law enforcement officials arrested dozens of Patriot spies and informers all over the country as well as an undisclosed number of Patriot's employees who were in Phoenix. As witnessed by millions of viewers, Coach Belichick, sensing that his time was up, tried to make a run for it at the end of the embarrassing loss to the New York Giants. Belichick was easily apprehended by a Phoenix Police Department SWAT team who were expecting the attempt.

The first details to come out of the investigation reveal that an espionage division was secretly established by the Patriots beginning from the year 2000, when Bill Belichick took over as head coach. Starting from simple video taping of opponents, Belichick soon moved on to more sophisticated methods of human intelligence gathering. According to investigators, the Patriots recruited dozens of agents all over the league. Offering vast sums of money to water boys, athletic trainers, dieticians and car valets, the Patriots were able to form a complete picture of every opponent in the American Football League, "They knew what every line man had for breakfast, lunch and dinner for every day, weeks before the game," said Agent Lowry Head of the F.B.I's Sports Section, "They knew where they grew up and how, who their friends were, what they dream about at night and why - anything that could possibly affect their performance and the game itself, even in the most remote manner."

Always a stickler for detail, Belichick also hired a group of former Israeli Mossad agents to gather crucial information about every rival quarterback. Thousands of pages of documents along with videos were found at Belichick's home, detailing the most intimate moments in the lives of elite quarterbacks such as Peyton Manning, Phillip Rivers and Donovan Mcnabb, beginning from birth. For instance,

the Patriots defense watched Peyton Manning commercials for hours on end in order to fully understand the psyche of their opponent, "By the time we got on the field we knew what audibles Manning was going to call even before he did – the sucker never had a chance," gloated one unnamed Patriot defensive back, known only as "Mr. HGH".

Apparently, the Patriots dominance of the league developed alongside the growing reach of their espionage network, "It started from one seemingly innocuous video assistant and grew into a vast network of informers, moles and spies. We still don't really know how far and how deep it goes," said Agent Lowry, "But we do know that the evil genius of Bill Belichick was behind it all."

One of the more recents questions raised concerns the Patriots first Super Bowl victory in which a video assistant apparently taped the Ram's final walk-through. However, it now appears that the Patriots had no need to do so since Ram's Assistant Head Coach and Defensive Coordinator Bud Carson was already a Patriot agent. Carson agreed to supply the Patriots with a copy of the Ram's playbook after his five year old daughter Amy was abducted and held hostage for two weeks. In a videotaped confession, Carson revealed that Belichick threatened to torture and kill his only daughter if he did not do their bidding. Carson has entered the Federal Witness Protection Program.

And there is more: How much did mediocre sixth round draft pick Tom Brady actually know? Is his name really Tom Brady – or is he actually Thomas Von Schloss, the illegitimate offspring of former Nazi leader, Heinrich Von Schloss, who escaped from Allied prison after the war and began a new life under an assumed name, somewhere in South America? Is Gisele Bundchen actually Tom Brady's sister? And is it true that the Patriots kidnap homeless American children and sell them as slaves to Saudi princes in return for cheaper oil?

Today, the NFL has finally given hope to millions of fans around the world that soon we will have satisfactory answers to all of these questions.

Note: I know that this is not regular fare here but I am still obsessed by that awesome game. Let's say this is my answer to Haveil Havalim #152 The Patriots Must Lose Edition from Random Thoughts.

Belichick Spygate Scandal: Unanswered Questions - a page seriously dedicated to this affair which has yet to even become an affair.

For the really serious reader, Stampede Blue, an excellent Colts blog, has a very good round up of all the recent developments and commentary on this alleged scandal.

Super Bowl XLII Logo Offends Muslims, Sparks Terrorism

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Jack said...

Good post about a great game.

satiricohen said...

Thanks. It really was an incredible game - the best I have ever seen.