Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Israel to Dismantle Army, Foreign Office to Assume Defense of Country

ISL – Jerusalem
In the decades-long power struggle between the powerful Ministry of Defense and the historically inferior Foreign Office, the tide seems to have turned. A new, revolutionary plan has been approved by the Olmert government according to which the Israeli Army will be gradually reduced to a small peace-keeping force.

This force, together with the remainders of the Defense establishment will be integrated into the existing structure of the Foreign Office which will change its name to "The Office of Foreign Defense Affairs". The reigning Foreign Minister will carry the additional title of "Commander of the Peace Corps" and the rank of "Public Relations Field Marshall".

Foreign Minister, PR Field Marshall and Commander of the Peace, Tzipi Livni, explains, "Violence simply doesn't work anymore," said Livni, "Take for example the recent Lebanon War – we had a great, sophisticated Army that got beat by a dozen well trained PR men. The battle was won in the media. In fact, you can say that Israel lost even before the war started because we were so caught up in the illusion of power that we forgot that power is meaningless without the power to impose meaning, if you see what I mean."

The new plan will change all that. Instead of investing billions of dollars in useless military hardware, funds will be diverted to the more important and more effective front of Public Relations,

"Instead of dozens of infantry divisions we will establish a dozen PR divisions," says Livni. "Just imagine – thousands of skilled, dedicated wordsmiths, ready to attack the enemy at a moment's notice with the most engaging, pitiful images of Israeli agony."

And that, according to Livni, is the centerpiece of the new Israeli defense system – a constant, imaginative, heart-rending display of Israeli misery and suffering that will reach every home in the world and touch every human soul, "This simple tactic has worked admirably for the Palestinians and there is no reason to think that it won't work even better for us. After all," said Livni, "The Jewish people invented suffering and guilt so the least we can do is to make them work for us, instead of against us."

According to the new plan, the removal of all defense mechanisms and the elimination of the threat of retaliation will encourage the Palestinians to attack Israel with a renewed vigor and with much more powerful weapons. These will inevitably increase the suffering of Israeli citizens, "With any kind of luck the number of casualties will rise and the wards will be filled with horribly wounded Israelis" said Livni, "Cripples for life, barely alive burn victims, life altering, unspeakable deformations and shrapnel-scarred survivors of Palestinian cruelty – those are the weapons of the future," said Livni, "And the quicker we get them, and the more we have, the sooner we will be able to win the
Public Opinion War and when we do that the Palestinians will have no choice but to surrender and accept our demands, whatever they are."

Livni and her staff have already begun this campaign to renounce violence and embrace public relations by inviting prominent politicians to tour Sderot and the Western Negev, communities which have been hard hit by Palestinan rocket fire. The tours are a resounding success says Livni, "The Ukrainian ambassador nearly cried when we showed him what the Kassam did to that poor kid and the sentimental Americans really did cry. It was a great victory for Israel," concluded Livni.

"Facing deeply rooted prejudice and decades of Palestinian propaganda, we managed to turn the tables in a matter of minutes, just by showing people the real Israel – a country full of pain and suffering, experiencing daily fear and terror and agony, a land of hopeless, shell-shocked citizens who know that they or someone they love has a good chance to get killed or wounded any minute. A country that deserves the pity and empathy and support of the world and will do anything and everything to get it, including committing suicide."

Well, I guess this was inevitable. After all, our elites have decided long ago that Jewish self-defense is a violation of the human rights of murderers of Jews, so there really isn't much left to do, is there?

Perhaps now would be the right time to change our name from "The People of the Book" to "the People of the Scapegoat", seeing as we are such gluttons for punishment…

In the Photo: Field Marshall of Public Relations and Comander of the Peace, Foriegn Minister Tzipi Livni in full battle dress. (Official photo courtesy of Foriegn Office archives)

FM Livni is one of the most highly decorated PR warriors that the Foreign office has ever known, participating in hundreds of PR battles and skirmishes for which she has received numerous decorations.

On the left, from top to bottom:
- The Star of David for exceptional heroism under fire, earned three times for three separate actions, most notably in the notorious Livorno Press Conference of 1994 where a hundred anti-Israeli reporters ambushed the Israeli delegation. Livni, then a simple corporal, kept a cool head, answered all questions in a level-headed manner and managed to lead the whole delegation to safety. Livni was promoted in the field to rank of lieutenant. This action began her rapid rise in the ranks of the Foreign Office.

- The Bleeding Heart (red ribbon) received for exceptional display of emotion and empathy during a tour of the victims of the Tsunami which devastated Asian countries in 2004. Livni's outpour was so convincing that the local press dubbed her "The Queen of Cry" for her unparalleled ability to cry convincingly and instantaneously.

On the right, from top to bottom:
- The Oslo Peace Award for conducting negotiations with genocidal terrorists; The Camp David Award for negotiating from a position of weakness; The Award of the Paper, for extracting a piece of paper signed, perhaps, by a U.S. President stating that Israel has, under certain conditions, a right to exist; Three badges of merit from the Order of St. Rabin given for Livni's total and unquestioning loyalty to the idea that wishful thinking and a good hair-do is the best way to run a country.

If you haven't noticed, the Foreign Office has already begun to turn itself into a ministry of grotesque tourism:

Prodi in Sderot, Diplomatic corps briefed by FM Livni and IDF at Erez, British Ambassador to Israel Tom Phillips visited Sderot, EU Foreign Policy Chief Javier Solana in Sderot.

Makes you wonder who's next? My suggestion - how about dragging the editors of Ha'aretz, Yediot and Maariv, the three Israeli dailies, along with their partners in television, for a visit. A really long one, like- forever...

Don't miss our exclusive interview with Tzipi : Livni To ISL: "I'm Proud To Be A Wimp!"

Update: DryBones, coming fresh off the Jerusalem conference, has something to say about Tzipi. It's not flattering.... see: His Place Setting.

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1 comment:

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