Thursday, February 28, 2008

New York Knicks Sued for Fan Abuse

ISL – New York

The inevitable has finally happened: a group of New York Knicks fans have filed a class action suit against the New York Knicks and Madison Square Garden, "on behalf of abused Knicks fan all over the country," according to the group's lawyer, David Bergman. The group of fans called "Knicks Survivors Support Group" is seeking over a billion dollars in damages for what they are calling "cruel and unusual treatment of a fan base".

The group was formed two years ago when lifetime Knick fan, Chris Trenchmark, committed suicide after the Knicks forty point loss to the Atlanta Hawks, "I can't take it anymore," Chris wrote in his suicide note, "There is no hope left, all I see is darkness and the specter of Isaiah Thomas standing on the sidelines, smirking and taunting me till eternity."

Galvanized by the death of their friend, Chris's fellow fans formed a support group. Within days hundreds had joined, eager to share their shame and pain and agony, "For the first time I met people who understood what I have been going through in the past four years," said Kieth, a devoted member. As more people joined and the extent of abuse suffered by the fans, once shamefully hidden and now openly discussed, became clear, the group decided to ask the courts for help, "The New York Knicks have literally ruined the lives of tens of thousands of people," said the group's lawyer, "People have lost their jobs, gone insane and committed suicide. Some have got divorced and many have developed serious health problems. This is bigger and worse then what the tobacco companies did in the past," said Mr. Bergman,

"There is no doubt in my mind that what James Dolan and Isiah Thomas have done to Knicks' fans is un-American, unconstitutional and downright evil. I am sure that after hearing the evidence, any reasonable jury will agree."

The group says that it will rely on the personal, heart-wrenching testimony of Knicks fans, on New-York City's Welfare Department which estimates that the number of homeless and destitute people in New York in the past has risen by twenty percent due to the addition of abused Knicks fans and, of course, the abysmal record of the club and most importantly: the cruel trades inflicted upon the fan base. For instance, the trade for Zach Randolph, resulting in this travesty: (courtesy of BasketBawful)

"As you can see for yourself, inflicting this brand of basketball on a loyal, dedicated and knowledgeable fan base numbering millions, can only be understood as one of the worst cases of fan abuse that America has ever seen. Hopefully, soon, justice will be served, and the sidelines of MSG will be cleared of the corruption and evil that has resided there for far too long," said Mr. Bergman

Knicks President and coach, Isaiah Thomas, refused to address the charges, "Garden policy forbids discussion of the game, the players or the fans by any unauthorized Garden employee. I'm sorry," said Isaiah, "That's just the way it is. In fact, I shouldn't have told you that much either."

An official spokesman for MSG disclosed that the Garden Security Force is familiar with this extremist group of fans, "We have been aware of their existence from the beginning and have been following them closely," said the spokesman, "Extensive files on each and everyone of these troublemakers has been compiled and when the time comes they will be revealed for the traitors and criminals that they are."

If you follow the Knicks you know there is no lack of material concerning this ongoing fiasco. I'll just list the most recent:
A cartoon lampooning the Knicks, via Truehoop.

The Zach Randolph video from BasketBawful – the most hilarious, basketball-related clip I have seen in years.

Also, check out this great satire of the Knicks from "Posting and Toasting", a rather bitter Knick blog. Can't blame them, really.

Commissioner Goodell Reveals New England Patriots Spy Network!

P.S. I know this is way off topic for this blog but sometimes it is good to stray from the familiar and discover that there are other people out there with bigger worries than merely surviving another day – like those poor Knick fans.

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muse said...

Serves them right for backing a bunch of losers. They should be more flexible and only go for winners. Cheer every basket. That way they'll go home happy and hoarse.

satiricohen said...

I take it you are not a great sports fan. It just doesn't work that way. It would be like changing parents every week.