Monday, February 4, 2008

Olmert Threatens Suicide, Demands Make-Up War

ISL – Jerusalem
In the two-year old struggle between the power-hungry Israeli PM, Ehud Olmert, and the Nation of Israel, Olmert has yet again managed to surprise all observers. In the wake of the final, damning Winograd Report and with his fragile government waiting upon Labor Leader Ehud Barak's decision, Olmert played his final card: after barricading himself in his office in the Israeli Parliament, he super-glued himself to his chair and then called Barak and the media, threatening suicide if he was forced to resign, "Life isn't worth it for me anymore if I am not Prime Minister," a tearful Olmert told reporters, "If Barak decides to leave the coalition, I will kill myself." After issuing the threat a single gunshot was heard, proving that Olmert indeed has the necessary means to carry out his threat.

Under these circumstances, all the pressure fell on Barak's shoulder who had to consider not only the fate of the nation but also the fate of its depressed Prime Minister. After tossing and turning all night and getting advice from friends and polling experts, Barak, who has earned a reputaton as a mathematical and intellectual genius, decided to do the right thing, "In the Talmud it says: 'Whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world' so by my calculations, if I had quit the government, I would have saved Israel," said Barak, "But by not quitting, I am saving a life, which is like saving the whole world, which, obviously, is worth much more than saving just one country, even if it is my own."

After receiving word of the decision, Olmert let firemen break into his office. Olmert himself, though, is still super-glued to his chair and refuses to get out of it, "I am not letting this chair out of my sight anymore," said Olmert, "One close call was enough, I cannot take another."
Barak made the momentous decision over the protests of Labor party colleagues and despite his own election promises, "Promises are made to be broken, everybody knows that," said Barak,

"I mean, what kind of a fool votes for a candidate because of what he promises or says anyway?"

Meanwhile Olmert congratulated Barak on his decision, "It takes a brave man to stay in office despite public opinion and contrary to the good of the country," said Olmert, who promised to make amends for his bungling of the last war, " I learned my lesson," said Olmert, "And just to prove it, I will start another war, a glorious campaign which our professional, revamped Army can surely win, the War against the Settlers!"
Olmert said that the first objective of the Settler War will be recapturing the "Peace House", a property bought by settlers on the false pretenses of giving money to the owner in return for a transference of ownership, "We are sick of all the legal maneuverings of the settlers and the way they constantly manipulate the system," Olmert said, "The only way to vanquish such a slippery, untrustworthy enemy is by force," said Olmert, "Israel will prove that it is has awesome power and that it is willing to use it against its enemies, even when they cynically arm themselves with ideas and values."

After failing in his first war, Olmert hopes that his second , make-up war will be different, "I know I can do better," said Olmert who promised himself that he will not flunk the next war, "I owe it to my mom, God rest her soul. She always said I would turn out a good for nothing goneph," Olmert said, "I guessed I proved her wrong, haven't I?"

Related:
Barak Breaks Promise and Stays in Olmert Government from INN and more from the Jpost.

The Peace House gets windows??!! from INN. What next? A door? Running water?

How badly do the settlers abuse Israel's legal system? Read about it here from INN and also at the Honenu website.



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