Thursday, January 31, 2008

Israeli Bank Finally Admits That It Stinks!

ISL – Jerusalem
A few weeks ago the Jerusalem Post revealed that Bank Leumi is now adding scents to its branches in order to make the customer experience more pleasant. Using a combination of Kugel scent mixed with cholent, Bank Leumi Marketing Department hopes to make its customers feel more at home when they come to the bank. Head of Leumi Marketing, Yonah Peleg explained, "We want our customers to relax and feel that they are among friends and family when they come to our bank."

The move is intended to counter the rising degree of apprehension most Israelis have when they enter the their bank, "For some reason, Israelis get extremely uptight when they enter a bank," said Peleg, "And more often than not unpleasant arguments and fights break out and some branches have even experienced riots while attempting to give service to their customers."
Although Peleg admits that the bank hasn't been able to figure out why this is so, it has taken steps to calm down its customers, "The scent is combined with a mild aerosol tranquilizer called 'BrainDead'," said Peleg, "Research has shown us that tranquilized customers are much more calm and easy to deal with and also, in the final analysis, much more likely to be satisfied with our service."

Independent analysts have praised the move, and Leumi stock has risen 100 points since the announcement was made. Says Baruch Cohen, a long time Leumi watcher and investor, "The ultimate goal of the bank is to separate the customers from their money. In a way this is similar to any other medical operation – it is painful, even excruciatingly so. It's like having your tooth drilled – obviously the customers were agitated."
Cohen says that it is about time Israeli banks took the next logical step and anesthetized their customers,



"It is an easy, practical solution that will change the banking experience forever – no more shouting and shoving, no more awkward scenes – instead, just calm, satisfied customers obediently signing on the dotted line and doing what they're told. It will be banking heaven!"
Despite the initial optimism, experts have raised the important question of how the new policy will effect Bank Leumi's employees. For instance, concerned investors and consumers may question how well the bank's employees will work under such conditions?

And it is here that the answers confirm what we, at ISL, have suspected for years:
According to a newly released statement, it appears that Bank Leumi has been gradually replacing its human tellers with banking androids since 1992! By next year all the banks employees in its local branches will be sophisticated androids programmed to extract the highest amount of money from the customer, for the least amount of services given. It is this technological advancement that has enabled Bank Leumi to show consistently huge profits even when large parts of the Israeli economy and whole segments of Israeli society have been forced to declare bankruptcy.
In the future, it is believed, Israeli banks will strive to replace the annoying Israeli consumer with the "Perfect Customer" android. But until that comes to pass, the banks will make do with the next best thing - the tranquilized human customer.


Related:
Dollars and scents from the Jpost

Israeli Banks Fight Back: Invent New, Preposterous Commissions

P.S. Has anyone noticed this new scent in his branch? I'm wondering how intrusive it is, how it feels and so on. Please share!



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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Super Bowl XLII Logo Offends Muslims, Sparks Terrorism

ISL – New York
American football, the most popular sport in the United States, is also the most recent cultural institution to find itself under attack by Muslim groups, who now claim that the inclusion of Roman numerals in the logo is offensive to Muslim sensibilities: "Including pagan numerals in a public event is extremely insensitive," said former terrorist and human rights attorney attorney, Amir Mahmoud from CAIRE, "And it is just another example of the continuing humiliation of Muslims in America and the whole world."

Indeed, the logo fiasco has even reached Gaza, where Sheikh Abu-Talul, Head of the Islamic Mujaheedin took time out from killing Israeli citizens in order to express his great discomfort from the logo, "God be praised, I love American football," said the Sheikh, "But, like everything American, it is corrupt and must be cleansed. Changing the logo is our first goal."
The Sheikh has issued a Fatwa forbidding Muslims to watch the Super Bowl unless the logo is changed and encouraging followers of the true faith to disrupt the broadcast and the game itself in any way possible, " At this moment in history, Super Bowl 42 presents the greatest threat to our vastly superior Muslim culture and it must be stopped by all means," said the Shiekh.

Sheikh Abu-Talul added that he hopes to start a football team in Gaza after the current crises is solved, with slight modifications, "Instead of body armor, our Shaheeds will wear their suicide belts and they will attack the enemy defense with their knives and guns. The last team standing will be the winner!"
The Sheikh said that the American custom of not killing people during the game seems odd, "The game is like a battle, except for that small detail which the stupid Americans have left out,' said the Sheikh, who hopes to make a name for himself as a head coach.

Professor Jane Hedgecock from the Institute for the Research of Islamic Sensibilities (IRIS) said that such cultural misunderstandings could have been avoided with the proper consultation,


"Here at the Institute we have compiled a massive list of things that are known to offend Muslims, so there is no reason that a prominent institution like American Football should stumble accidentally into the minefield of Muslim sensibilities."
Prof. Hedgecock said that by the end of the year it will issue the first volume of its ground breaking "Encyclopedia of Islamic Sensibilities". The first volume will concern itself with all offenses to Islam starting with the letter "A" such as "Americans", "Apostle", "Apocalypse", "Aruba" and so on.
If everything goes according to plan, all 26 volumes will be published within the next ten years, with updates issued regularly, "Within a decade, every American will know exactly what do in order not to offend Muslims," promised Professor Hedgecock.

Of course, this great project does not solve the current situation.
In order to do this, the NFL spokesman has already apologized profusely to all Muslim nations and it is rumored that Commissioner Roger Goodel himself will fly this week to Saudi Arabia in order to plead the NFL case before the Monarch and Holder of the Key to Mecca, King Faisal, "It was all an innocent misunderstanding," said the red-eyed Commissioner, "Obviously, the last thing we want to do is to offend one billion Muslims who could, one day, be one billion football lovers."

As a first step towards reconciliation with this violent but sensitive community, the NFL will immediately change the Super Bowl logo, replacing the pagan numerals with devout Arabic ones, "Nobody is forcing us to do this," clarified an NFL spokesman, "It is just a measure of our dedication to minority rights, in this case the minority of one billion Muslims"
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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

New, Enterprising Jihad Group Raises Prices on Bombers, Offers Extra Virgins

ISL – Gaza

Despite being throttled by harsh Israeli sanctions, which lasted for one whole day, the Gaza economy is as vibrant as ever, led by the fiscal steam engine of Jihad.
In fact, competition is so intense that nearly everyday new Jihadist start-ups are being established, creating a fiercely competitive environment.
For instance, a new group calling itself "Jihad Now" has just launched an innovative marketing campaign, offering better deals than ever on suicide bombings: "Families that offer to sacrifice their sons and daughters can get over 500$ for each successful bombing, depending on the number of infidels killed and wounded" says Chief of Marketing, Osama Al-Baz, who added, "This is the deal of a lifetime."

To sweeten the deal, the maverick group is also offering a raise in virgins to the suicide bombers themselves, "Everybody is offering 72 virgins, " says Al-Baz, "For some reason this has become the accepted standard – but now, with our new offer – suicide bombers can get twice as many virgins of the highest quality, at no risk whatsoever to themselves. Our policy is 'Your satisfaction 100% guaranteed or your money back'."
Al-Baz says that such guarantees have become necessary because of dilettante freelancers who dabble in Jihad hoping to make a quick dinar off of unsuspecting Muslims, "These con-men promise everything but in the end give nothing," says Al-Baz, "They are a disgrace to the honest profession of Jihad and to every decent Muslim terrorist."
Al-Baz is especially proud of the group's television campaign, which highlights numerous satisfied families,



"Of course they are real families – credibility is very important to us," says Al-Baz, "For instance, we have the Hamid family from Shata, who offered their 13-year old retarded son as a suicide bomber – they came away with 500$, and as far as we know their child is much better off now in heaven then he was here on earth, while his family is also much happier – it’s a win-win situation for everybody," says Al-Baz.
The ads also feature Muhammad Al-Dura – the poster boy for Palestinian suffering and sacrifice, "Al-Dura is seen as a role model for Palestinian kids who want to die and become internationally famous. The ad is very effective," says Al-Baz, "And it has brought us so many prospective suicide bombers that recently we have had to turn away those sweet kids – it's such a shame to disappoint the children and not let them kill themselves for their families and their religion," admitted Al Baz, "But this is a business – we can afford only so much sentimentality."


What can I say except: God forbid we ever display such sentimentality to our own children!

Related:
Suicide bombers in Afghanistan are retarded - from Time Magazine.

"Blowing myself is the only chance for sex with 72 virgins" - from Jihad Watch.

Terrorists recruit illiterate, retarded kids from Israpundit

Terrorist Tourism Spurs Recovery of Palestinian Economy




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Monday, January 28, 2008

Demographic Threat to Israel Grows by Another 5% Experts Say

ISL – Tel Aviv

Experts have been predicting for years that a Palestinian population explosion in the West Bank will change the very nature of Israel. Fortunately, those dire predictions have proven false – it seems that contrary to demographic trends mapped out by experts such as Professor Pergula, Palestinian women do not give birth to twenty five children, on average. And they also do not marry at the age of ten. So for now, Israel is safe from that demographic threat. But some experts now say that another, more sinister threat is rising in Judea and Samaria – the dire threat of Zionism combined with Orthodox Judaism.

Specifically, a recent report from the Israeli Ministry of Interior states that the Jewish population in Judea and Samaria has risen by more than five percent in the past year. According to experts, this primitive population is, for religious reasons, opposed to the murder and rape of Jews and Jewish property and as such presents a serious and continuing threat to the very nature of contemporary Israeli society, "There is no doubt in my mind that the demographic threat is imminent – I see it as an ugly dark cloud of Zionist Judaism gathering in the horizon," says Itamar Lifshitz, Regional Coordinator for "Peace Happily Ever After" (PHEA) - an international NGO aiming to adjust life in Israel to the world view presented in children's fairy tales. PHEA is working ceaselessly to alert the Israeli public to the demographic threat while doing its best to counter it.

"There is a saying" said Itamar, " ' He who wants to prepare for Peace Now, must prepare for war with the settlers' and that is what we are doing - we see it as a no-holds-barred, no- prisoners-taken, fight to the Peace. We are throwing at them everything we can –court orders and injunctions, riot police and Palestinian terrorists, triple-double secret agents and terrifying, seditious media exposés .
"And although the recent growth can be considered a setback," said Itamar, "I for one, have no doubt that our pure love of Justice and Human Rights and everything Good and Moral, combined with the political and financial clout of the European Union, the Arab League, the Third World and the Fourth Estate not to mention the Israeli Supreme Court, will eventually win the day," concluded Itamar.

I would not be so sure of that. If the astonishing faith of these young girls is any measure, the ending of this particular fairy tale will not be the one that Peace Now intended...

Related:
The original article from INN

"The Failure of Demographers" an interesting piece from Yoram Ettinger illustrating that due to intense politicization, the state of Israeli Academia is rapidly approaching complete uselessness.
I can't wait till the Left figures out a way to impose the point of view that 2+2 equals 5...

Are Settlers Human? New Study Causes Uproar in Israeli Academia
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Sunday, January 27, 2008

Olmert: I Accept Full Irresponsibility for the Lebanon War

ISL – Herzliya
In a passionate key note address which closed the Herzliya Conference, Olmert admitted that many mistakes were made during the war, "The number of foolish mistakes, terrible decisions, and strategic and tactic miscalculations that the government made is truly disgusting," said Olmert, "And as head of the government and following in the footsteps of my predecessors, I am the first to acknowledge and accept full irresponsibility for each and every misstep.
"Make no mistake, "Olmert reiterated, "No matter how bad or how egregious my governments mistakes were, I wish to emphasize once more that under no circumstance do I accept any responsibility for any of them or anything else that happened during the Second Lebanon War or, in fact, anything that happened during my whole tenure up to now or in the future."

Olmert went on to explain that accepting responsibility would be contrary to everything he and his generation were brought up to believe in, "Like the majority of my peers - in politics, in the press or in the courts - I was raised on the tenets of privilege and unaccountability. These are values I believe deeply in and therefore I am greatly offended by the numerous calls for my resignation.
"Resigning as the result of incompetence would be like spitting in the face of our forefathers and trampling all our traditions!" Olmert thundered, "Did Rabin resign when the Peace Treaty he signed blew up in our faces? Did Peres? Do the editors of the newspapers resign when they mislead the public? Do the Supreme Court Judges resign when their decisions costs hundreds if not thousands of lives?
"Of course not," said Olmert, "Such a notion would be ridiculous. I mean, if every one of us had to resign every time he displayed some degree of incompetence, why, could we even call that country our own? Would such a country still be the Israel we know and love? Did Moses resign after mucking about in the Sinai desert for forty years?
"What I am saying is," said Olmert,



"That incompetence and irresponsibility are part of our heritage and I personally am not going to be the first one to defile this great Israeli tradition," said Olmert.

The Prime Minister also accused the media of misrepresenting the facts and inciting the public against his government, "Objectively speaking, the residents of the North have much to be thankful for," said Olmert, "One of the largest expenses for Israeli families is summer camp, and that summer we managed to get all the camps completely cancelled – that's a savings of thousands of shekels right there, and I'm not counting the savings on income tax, which the residents did not have to pay because they couldn't go to work, thanks to the war.
"Also, everybody knows that the family is the building block of the nation, so everything we can do to get families to spend time together – quality time I might add – should be seen as commendable. And that is exactly what we did for two whole months! In fact, I am sure that the families in the North are probably the most cohesive ones in the country, thanks to the war" said Olmert, "Of course, I do not expect anybody to thank me – this is a thankless job - but to go so far as to completely ignore our achievements? That is just a bit too much.

Addressing his government's dire political situation and also his own precarious perch on his seat, Olmert said, "In times of trouble and great political upheaval, I always ask myself, 'What Would Rabin Do?'

" Just the other day I opened Rabinian 2," said Olmert, "Which, you may recall, describes those tempestuous times in which St. Rabin the Impeccable was besieged by his foes and his house was beset from within and from without and it was then that he sent for the Prophet Carmi Gilon who sayeth unto him, and I quote (verse 7), 'Thy government has sinned greatly and the God of Peace is angered. If thou wish to escape the wrath of thy Lord God, many sheep must be sacrificed to Him that Bestoweth Peace upon all.'
"To which St. Rabin answered, 'May God have mercy upon me and my government, but whom shall we sacrifice? No sheep are left in the fold.'
" And it was then" Olmert said, "That, as we all know, The God of Peace performed His second greatest miracle – the Miracle of the Sheep*:
'Verily, sayeth the Prophet Gilon, Look about ye and shed the scales upon your eyes for behold, the Lord of Peace giveth you sacrificial goats in abundance and yea shall beset them and slaughter them and your reign shall be long, for the settlers have sinned against the Lord of Peace and they worship the false god of Zionism.'
To which St. Rabin bowed his head and said. "Amen. May His will be done."

Therefore I say to you now, what was good for Our Rabin, is good enough for me, but where he had one Avishai Raviv, I will have ten and where he had one Yigal Amir, I will invent a dozen. And the people will pity me and the press will protect me and the findings of the Winograd Commission will be like dust in the wind and with any kind of luck I will even manage a second term, just you wait and see!" said Olmert.


* The first and greatest miracle, for those of you who are secular and do not have a copy of the Third Testament in your homes (may St. Rabin have mercy on your souls), was The Miracle of the Hairy Terrorist.


Hat Tip: "Living in Denial" from Gentile Warrior and Kadima Holds Fast to Failure from Israel Jewish News.

Related: The article from INN.

Saint Rabin, as portrayed by yours truly


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Friday, January 25, 2008

Best of Middle East Satire Links Issue No. 3

Welcome to the third issue of ME satire links. As I explained in the first issue, I aim to gather the best satire published on the net in the past week and present it to my readers. In the event that I did not find any from this week - I will go back in time to unearth some gems which, perhaps, have gone unnoticed or at least are worth remembering.
If you know of a ME satire site or a related post that is worthy, please tell me about it in the comments or by email so that others may enjoy it as well.

Note:If you are reading this from a feed you will not be able to see the videos.

This week's picks:

First, a great cartoon about the situation in Sderot. Like they say, a picture is better than a thousand words. I found this page of political cartoons by Steve Greenberg on a "Christians Standing With Israel" website. I never heard of him before but he is a longtime cartoonist and an excellent one at that. Check out his site - there's lots to see there.

An absolutely hysterical piece from Jerusalem Online. Would you believe Ahmadenijad has a stand up routine, and that it's really funny? Click here to find out why Iran needs a nuclear reactor for civilian purposes. I wish I wrote this piece.

Another piece from Arabs who have a sense of humor about themselves. Nice to know such people exist, in Syria of all places! There is a transcript from Memri here and the video itself is here. It's a bit long - ten minutes - but I thought it was pretty good.



A good piece called "Israel Retaliates for Palestinian Reprisals Over Israeli Retribution
Again...
" from a liberal website called "Democracy Means You".
I admit that sometimes it really looks like an endless, hopeless, senseless cycle of violence and they do a good job of conveying that feeling . Of course, in the real world, there is a rhyme and reason to such violence but I do not expect liberals to make any intellectual effort to understand this - they are like children, simple and mischievous and should be kept away from the fireplace at all costs, lest they accidentally - on purpose burn the house down...

This is not, strictly speaking, about the Middle East, since it deals with our basic predicament - being Chosen - in a humorous way, from the now defunct satirewire. Read it here.

Ever wondered what a terrorist dating service looks like? Watch this from Yideoz.com to find out:




Finally, something that is really off topic here but I enjoyed it so much I thought it merits mentioning anyway.
Iowahawk wrote a really funny piece this week about some usual shoddy, seditious piece of journalism on the part of the New York Times ("The Truth Is Not An Option!") concerning U.S. Marines, and followed it up with an even better post - kicking off his campaign against violent media personnel with some fabulous posters. I'm sure Israeli media consumers can relate!

And this just in: A last minute submission from Radarsite describing the successful tour of the Saudi Muslim Symphony Orchestra. It's as ridiculous as it sounds...


I hope you enjoyed the third edition of The Best Middle East Satire Links on the Web. Your feedback and suggestions are most welcome!


Related:
Best of Middle East Satire Issue No. 2

Best of Middle East Satire Issue No. 1



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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Palestinian Head Janitor Threatens to Quit Over Messy Gaza Operations

ISL – Ramallah

Mahmoud Abbas, the Head Palestinian Janitor for the Ramallah Compound has threatened to resign his position if Israel does not stop the barbaric attacks in Gaza, "I am sick and tired of cleaning up after everybody," said Abbas to reporters, "For years I have been asking people to keep everything tidy – I mean, how hard is it to pick up the street after you bomb somebody?"
Abbas appealed to both sides sensibilities, "Living in a clean, orderly country without unnecessary body parts lying around will make for a much nicer environment for both Israelis and Palestinians," said the pedantic Head Janitor, who did, however, single out Israel for her recent attacks in Gaza, "Israel has really messed up Gaza – I've never seen such a balagan in my life," said Abbas, "Gaza looks worse than the Ramallah police station did after the New Year's Bash and I still haven't finished cleaning up that mess!"

Abbas added that although, strictly speaking, he is no longer responsible for the Gaza Strip, he feels a moral obligation as a Janitor to speak out in this matter, "Any housekeeper can understand that what is going on in Gaza today means more housework tomorrow," said Abbas, "And frankly, I don't think I can take it anymore."

In the photo: A grumpy Abbas cleans up the Ramallah Compound




Related:

Abbas threatens to quit if 'escalation' continues from the Jpost

Apropos cleaning, Mother in Israel has some cleaning advice for you
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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Israel Admits Cruelty to Terrorists, Apologizes to World

ISL – Jerusalem
After cutting off the supply of electricity to the Gaza terrorist base for a whole day, Israel has been forced to back down from the drastic measure after being attacked from all sides for instituting inhuman measures against its murderers.

Israel Foreign Minister, Zipi Livni, apologized to the world and especially to the Palestinian terrorists for the inconvenience that the 24 hour artificial shortage of electricity caused them, "I told Barak that attacking the terrorists would be a PR disaster but he just wouldn't listen to me," said Livni, who was clearly distraught, "Now, instead of working with Abbas on our perfect peace agreement I have to waste time apologizing for things I never did," complained the Foreign Minister, who was forced to postpone a "Peace Weekend" she had planned in the Swiss Alps with her counterpart, Mahmoud Abbas, "It was supposed to be just me and him, alone, together, making peace in a warm, fire lit cabin," Zipi said, "I guess peace will just have to wait another weekend."

Meanwhile, Minister of Defense, Ehud Barak said that although he still thinks the measures were justified he is now proposing a watered down version of them, approved by the Foreign Ministry and backed by major Israeli and foreign NGOs and media outlets, in which Israel will supply fuel, food, basic goods, weapons and ammunition and anything else the Palestinians need or demand. In return, Israel will promise not to attack terrorists ever again, "This seems to me a fair compromise that the world community can accept and most importantly, it will stop Zipi from crying. I just can't stand to see her like that," said Barak.

But despite the favorable decision, Palestinians were still skeptic, "It all depends what kind of weapons Israel gives us and if they are actually ready to stop targeting innocent terrorists," said Ahmad Zuf, a Hamas spokesman, "If they are really willing to let us murder them with impunity then perhaps we have indeed reached a turning point in the peace process. But I'll believe it when I kill it," added the Hamas spokesman.


Hat tip: This depressing post from Bookworm Room
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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Exchange Rate of Jews and Palestinians Rises Sharply after Gaza Operations

ISL – Jerusalem

For the past 15 years, ever since the Oslo Peace Accords were signed, the exchange rate of Jews to Palestinians has been fixed at a stable 3.2 , meaning one dead Jew for approximately every three dead Palestinians – terms that both sides to the Accords have upheld despite the ups and downs in their relationship. But now, recent Israeli raids in the Gaza strip are rapidly changing the exchange rate and causing havoc with the Palestinian economy. At the time of this writing, the exchange rate is a shaky one dead Jew for every 4.8 dead Palestinians , down from 5.6 at the end of last week.

Since all salaries and goods in the Palestinian Authority are priced according to the exchange rate, the sudden fluctuations have literally brought the whole economy to a halt and are threatening to impoverish tens of thousands of terrorists and the families they support, "We get paid per dead Jew," said Abdallah Hamid, a Hamas employee, "The recent raids make it much more difficult to kill them while raising the price we have to pay to kill each Jew. In the final analysis, if the rate doesn't go down, no one will be able to afford this line of work anymore – and then what will do?"
According to analysts, the entire Palestinian economy is driven by the terrorist industry, which in turn drives the peace sector, the humanitarian aid sector, the drugs and gun running sector, and the sector of being a fourth generation refugee in your own country, "Any blow to the terrorist industry will impoverish hundreds of thousands of Palestinians," warned Eric Cohen, senior analyst at Mutual Independent funds, "With so many people out on the streets and out of a job, who knows to what desperate, violent lengths they will go to make a living?"

Humanitarian organizations are already on the alert, ready to intervene in the event that a crises breaks out, "Condemnations of Israeli brutality and inhumanly Nazi behavior have been prepared and all media outlets are at a standby to deliver the message," said a spokesman for Travesty International, the well-respected, impartial Human Rights group, which is also preparing emergency supplies of humanitarian aid to the hungry population, specifically, a few tons of that nutritious and delicious potassium nitrate.

The Security Council has already issued a pre-emptive resolution, condemning Israel for her barbaric acts of violence and calling for a complete cessation of hostilities and a withdrawal to the 2045 borders:



"The acts that Israel has committed/is committing/will commit are completely reprehensible and the Security Council unanimously condemns Israel for her crimes, whatever they are/will be/were and calls for a complete cessation of hostilities and an Israeli withdrawal to another time in history because we are sick of this charade as much as everybody else," said the announcement.

In Israel, MK Galon accused the government of purposely attempting to destroy the livelihood of the Palestinians, "Obviously, if they have nothing to lose, they will have no incentive to make peace or improve their conditions," warned Galon, "By attacking the terrorists, destroying their bases, killing their chiefs and disarming them, the Israeli government is leaving the Palestinians no choice but to become terrorists," explained Galon, "After all, everyone knows that violence is not a solution."


Funny, isn't it, how the phrase "Violence is never a solution" always applies to Israeli actions but never to her enemies. I wonder why…hmmm....Nope, I can't think of any reason. Can you?


Related:
Palestinians Like Some Bang With Their Coffee

Israel is actually defending it's citizens? Inconceivable! From INN.


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Monday, January 21, 2008

Isn't it Ironic?

Just days after arresting protesters in the city, Olmert visits Sderot and - surprise! - finds that:
"Determination is Increasing in Sderot", according to the article from INN.

Now, isn't it amazing what arresting your critics can do? I bet the people in Sderot were determined - absolutely, irrevocably determined - not to go to jail!

No doubt, the citizens of Sderot lined up in the streets by their thousands, cheering the Great Leader's motorcade and waving flags.

But maybe not. Maybe it went down like I described in this post written many months ago:
Olmert Celebrates Success of Gaza Pullout With Tour of Bombed Communities

Either way, it's ironic, I think.

See also: the post from yesterday - Government Crushes Insurgency in Sderot, Blames Settlers
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Sunday, January 20, 2008

Government Crushes Insurgency in Sderot, Blames Settlers

ISL – Sderot

For a brief moment yesterday, Sderot residents, living under a constant barrage of missiles for the past two years, lost their patience with the Israeli Government and spontaneously protested their plight, going so far as to placing responsibility for their insufferable situation directly at the feet of the Israeli Government.
Government forces acting swiftly and decisively, quickly destroyed the threat to the government's self image. In the ensuing security operations, two of the protesters were arrested and the other two sent to bed without dinner.

In light of the new and unexpected insurgency in Sderot, the Government has declared a state of emergency, moving Infantry Division 345 from its regular station on the border with Syria to the city of Sderot in order to counter any additional moves by the insurgency. Division 345 will be backed up by Tank Brigade 456 and the regular police forces in the area. Other Army units in the area are ready to stop training any moment and move post-haste to secure the city of Sderot and battle the insurgents.

Olmert expressed his dismay at the development, saying that Israel could ill-afford an internal revolt at this time, just as negotiations between Israel and the Head Janitor of the Ramallah Compound have picked up, "For the fifth time in the past decade we are on the verge of a historic peace agreement," Olmert explained, "We are really really close to nearly signing an agreement to continue the talks next month," said Olmert, "So this is hardly the time to make demands on the government that could only delay peace even more."
Olmert also said he was surprised at the sudden outburst,



"I don't understand what happened - for two years they suffer quietly and all of a sudden all hell breaks loose?"

Olmert pointed out that under the current contract between the Israeli voters and the Government, it is the duty of the Government to strive for peace and it is the duty of the citizens within the range of the terrorists weapons to die, so that the eventual peace will be worthwhile, "If nobody is dying, what would be the point of all these peace talks?" asked Olmert, "Obviously the citizens of Sderot have to do their job just the same as we are doing ours."

Olmert said that he blamed settler agitators who infiltrated the unsuspecting population and contaminated them with their crazy ideas such as: "Terrorists should be killed - not negotiated with" or that it is not necessary to die for peace.
"I don't blame the citizens of Sderot," said Olmert, "Obviously they have been misled by fanatical Right-wing settlers who somehow escaped our surveillance and infiltrated the city."
According to some sources, the number of Right wing fanatics currently under government surveillance is close to four hundred thousand, "It is possible that one or two got away," said Olmert, "But we will find them – Sderot is surrounded and they have nowhere to go."

In the photo: Olmert runs down a citizen of Sderot in what will
undoubtedly become a legendary moment in Israeli political history:


Of course this is based on the unforgettable scene from the Princess Bride. If you haven't seen the movie than do so - it's pure fun, and if you have, why, I'm sure you'll enjoy seeing this video once more:




Related:
Sderot: As Rockets Continue to Fall, Protesters Get Arrested From INN

Hat Tip: Joe Settler
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Saturday, January 19, 2008

Israeli Government to Issue Free Speech Licenses

ISL – Jerusalem
"Due to unprecedented attacks on the very foundations of free speech perpetrated by the fanatical right wing fringes of Israeli society, the Government has been forced to take drastic steps in order to protect the democratic rights of its citizens," declared Israel's Prime Leader, Ehud Olmert the Magnificent.

The Peerless One was referring to an incident in which two Right-wing fanatics attempted to attack foreign media with a pamphlet consisting of unauthorized, and seditious facts about the involvement of the Palestinian Government in terror and incitement. Fortunately no harm was done to Israel as police were on hand to confiscate the pamphlets and save reporters from the confusion that could have resulted from processing conflicting reports.
In another incident, Right-wing militants also tried to publicly display posters with the illegal image of Jonathan Pollard who is serving time for helping Israel survive – an offense so grave, so heinous that his very existence has been denied by the Government.
In yet a further incident, a blogger published a comment so violent, so homophobic and so unfavorable to the government that it does not bear repeating here or anywhere else. In fact - the comment was so terrible that no one actually knows what it is.

Following these unfortunate incidents the Government said that it will begin to issue free speech licenses to eligible citizens, "Free speech is the basis of Israeli democracy," explained Supreme Leader Ehud Olmert, "And for that very reason must be protected at all costs even if it means a small degree of inconvenience to the citizens. Believe me, it is for your own good," said Olmert the Wise.
A spokesman for the new Department of Free Speech said that citizens will be able to apply for eligibility in a simple and straightforward process:


" All one has to do is to arrive at the offices in downtown Jerusalem with all the appropriate documents, including party membership, complete dental and health records, updated psychiatric profile, educational records and records of gainful employment for the past twenty years, as well as a valid subscription to Ha'aretz and drivers license."

Pending the approval of the application, the applicant will swear an oath to abide by the rules of free speech as set forth in "The New Layman's Guide to Free Speech", authored by "A", Head of the Jewish Section in the Israeli Security Service.
An oath of loyalty to the government is recommended but not necessary, "Of course, this being a democracy, no one has to swear loyalty to the government in order to exercise their basic right of Free Speech," said the spokesman, "However it can speed up the process and really why would anyone not want to swear allegiance to Olmert the Omniscient?"

The spokesman added that declaring loyalty to the government will upgrade the Free Speech License to the Gold Star Version which has many benefits, "In addition to complete and unfettered Free Speech*, one also has the added luxury of becoming a Free Speech Deputy and receiving the Badge of Free Speech which one can proudly wear at all times as a sign of excellence in performance of civic duty – the duty of Free Speech."
"Free Speech Deputies also have the right and indeed the duty to apprehend violators of Free Speech," said the Spokesman, concluding, "Free Speech is like a beautiful but delicate flower which must and will be protected at all costs."

Want to bolster Israeli democracy? Want to protect our fragile democracy from those malicious, Right-wing violators of Free Speech? Then Sign up today for your Free Speech License* and start exercising that most precious of freedoms – the glorious and celebrated Freedom of Speech*!


*Terms and restrictions apply – see Free Speech Guide.



Related:
Bush Visit Already Increasing Democracy in Israel!

Mystical Paths on a blogger being intimidated by the Government. Welcome to Israel!

Joe Settler thinks that Jerusalem under the Omert regime is just like Dulac - Perfect! Funny how Olmert reminds everyone of Shrek.

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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Iran Declares Rhetoric Red Alert as Olmert Issues Threats

ISL - Jerusalem
Iranian President, Ali Ahmadinejad declared "Rhetoric Red Alert" for the first time since the war with Iraq. The President said that Iranian spokesmen in Iran and throughout the world are prepared to react instantly to any threats from Israel, "Our people are armed with harsh words and they will not hesitate to use them if necessary," warned President Ahmadinejad. The verbal escalation came in response to a series of threats issued yesterday by Israeli PM, Ehud Olmert.
Appearing before the Knesset's Foreign Affairs and Defense Committee, Olmert reviewed the situation with Iran, concluding that Iran is hell bent on acquiring nuclear weapons and destroying Israel.
Upon reaching this conclusion, Olmert issued a series of unambiguous threats toward the fanatical regime in Teheran. Specifically, Olmert threatened to threaten Iran if it did not cease uranium enrichment immediately, "We are losing patience," Olmert warned, "And sooner, rather than later, we will begin threatening Iran in earnest."

Olmert emphasized that Israel could not be more serious in its intentions to threaten Iran, "Obviously, our previous statements have fallen on deaf ears and soon we will have no choice but to make more statements: bolder, harsher, painful statements concerning Iran and its nuclear development plan."
Olmert said that it is unfortunate that the situation had deteriorated so badly, "Israel does not want to threaten Iran," Olmert clarified, "But we will if we absolutely have to."

Olmert said that Israel is keeping all its options open as to what kind of threats will be issued, "We have many threats available to us," Olmert said, "First, we can threaten to threaten, as I just did," Olmert explained.
"Our second option is to issue a specific threat such as, "If you don't stop the enrichment, we will call the CIA and tell them about it."
Olmert said that although no one likes to be a tattletale, sometimes there is no choice.

Other threats include the threat to condemn Iran in public, to castigate Iran, to censor its behavior, to criticize it, to gravely disapprove of its behavior. And - ultimately – to express disappointment with the whole country.
"Basically, we have a huge arsenal of threats at our disposal," Olmert said,



"The question is when to use them so they will be most effective."
Olmert assured the committee members that security experts are working around the clock to ensure that Israel has the best and most modern arsenal of threats to use against Iran, "Defense Minister Barak assured me that he is ready at any moment to issue such an array of empty threats that no enemy could withstand."
Members of the committee expressed their satisfaction with Israel's state of readiness, "There is no doubt in my mind that Israel is rhetorically superior to Iran and that we will prevail in any verbal confrontation between the two countries," said Chairman Tzachi Hanegbi .

According to experts on the Middle East, this is the closest Israel and Iran have come to a full blown verbal conflict since Ahmadinejad rose to power. Analysts now fear that a War of Words between the two countries is inevitable and will raise the price of parts of speech to intolerable heights, " Nouns are expensive enough as it is," said one analyst, "But war could drive the price of speech through the roof."



Funny - I always though talk was cheap in the Middle East! Or maybe I got it wrong? Yes, that’s it, silly me - life is cheap. But words to describe this situation – those are hard to come by!



Related:
Olmert explains the meaning of the word "useless" to the Knesset Foreign Affairs and Defense Committee, from the JPost.

Also: Ahmanedijad Promises to make Israel "A Light Unto the Nations"




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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Suicide Lecturer Kills 3, Injures 35 in Jerusalem Bombing

ISL – Jerusalem
A suicide lecturer blew himself up in a Jerusalem coffee shop yesterday, killing 3 and injuring dozens. Although Israel has known suicide attacks before, this is the first time that a senior lecturer has been directly involved in one. A new organization calling itself "The United Lecturers Front" (ULF) took responsibility for the bombing saying that it was done to protest the horrible neglect of higher education by the Israeli Government.

Senior lecturers have been on strike for nearly three months demanding a raise in pay and improved conditions of labor. The Government as well as the Treasury have refused to meet the lecturers demands and the Prime minister, Ehud Olmert, even swore that he would not give in to the lecturer's "threats and intimidation."

Spokesman for the ULF said that they are protesting the ineffectual leadership of the current Professor's Union as well as the interminable and ultimately pointless negotiations with the government: "The Israeli Government will only recognize force," said the spokesman, "And until we show that we are willing to use violence to achieve a just and lasting solution to the crisis in Israeli higher education, the Government will not take us seriously."

Prime Minister Olmert reacted to the bombing by repeating that he would not bow to any pressure "And most certainly not to acts of wanton aggression." Olmert sent his condolences to the stricken families and promised that his Government would not tolerate any kind of violence on the part of Israel's leading intellectuals, "They have crossed the red line," said Olmert, "And we will deal with these intellectual goons as harshly as possible." Although, in line with Israel's current policy regarding protection of the country's citizens, Olmert did not detail exactly what measures the government will take.

But the Prime minister did commit himself to solving the crisis with the lecturers as soon as possible, "Before the situation deteriorates further." Olmert said that as a result of the new policy, negotiations will be taken over by the experts in the Foreign Office, "They have ample experience in solving violent disputes that at first glance seem beyond repair," Olmert assured the horrified public.

Israeli politicians aired their views: MK Galon, leader of the Meretz Party said that the lecturers were goaded into this act of violence by the government's insensitive educational policies. Leader of the Labor Party and Minister of Defense, Ehud Barak, said that if he were a lecturer he would do the same thing,



"Obviously, due to the terrible conditions they are forced to live in, anyone one would feel and do the same thing," said Barak, "The violent lecturers are just a product of their environment."

The United Lecturers Front also published the name of the suicide bomber: Professor Nadav Cohen, from the Department of Revisionist History in the Hebrew University. Nadav was known for his outspoken stance toward the criminal Zionist state and he worked tirelessly to repair the injustices that Israel's existence has caused. According to his colleagues, the deteriorating conditions of the senior lecturers pushed him over the edge, "The prospect of a reduced paycheck, a smaller office and a higher workload all contributed to his fragile and sensitive state of mind," said the Department Head, "Apparently, when he realized that the strike was going nowhere he decided to take the law into his own hand. Personally, I can't say that I blame him."

Neither can I. Obviously, if we have learned anything from the Oslo Peace Process it is that the only way to solve a problem is to kill other people, preferably Jews, isn't it? Or did I misunderstand?

Related:

The latest on this miserable, annoying strike from INN.

World-Wide Anti-Israeli Efforts Slowing Down Due to Senior Lecturer's Strike








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Monday, January 14, 2008

Only 3 Killed and 16 Wounded in Tolerance Festival in Yemen

ISL – Yemen
Yemenite citizens went out to the streets yesterday to celebrate the Tolerance and Conciliation Festival but returned to their homes extremely disappointed as the number of dead and wounded was less than twenty – far less than prior years.

The festival of Tolerance and Conciliation is celebrated each year in commemoration of the occasion on which the president of the country, Mr. Ali Nasser decided that he could no longer tolerate the existence of his rival, Minister of Defense Ahmed Gazi. In the ensuing festivities, thousands of Yemenites decided to reconcile their fellow man with their Maker. All in all, thirteen thousand were reconciled and tolerated in just two weeks.

However, that was over twenty years ago and the times have changed, some would even say degenerated. Today, hired crews erect stages and put up billboards and the young people of the country dance all night to the beat of Hip Hop star Ahmad Gibril and his Suicide Band or the ever popular Rhythm and Jews band "The Blood Brothers."
Only the older people and the younger traditionalists take the trouble to actually get into the mood of the festival and really tolerate other people and reconcile them and it is they who have been largely responsible for the success of the festival in recent years, in which hundreds of celebrating Yemenites continued their celebration in a better world.

However, it seems that even their authentic enthusiasm has been contaminated with the modern disease of self-indulgence and unadulterated egoism, "Nobody seems to care anymore how many people are tolerated in the festival," said old-timer Abdallah Hatab, a simple trader in virgin sex slaves from the city of Aden, "In our day, we didn't bother to come home before we reconciled ten or twenty other people at least, but our traditions are being ruined," said Abdallah pointing to a nearby McShiekh's , "Western imperialism is robbing us of our heritage and nobody cares," he concluded sadly.

But all hope is not lost for the cherished Yemenite traditions – yesterday, at the height of the festivities, when despair was high and the darkness of modern times seemed to envelope and swallow all, a group of steadfast and loyal Yemenites took over the stage and in one proud burst of old-fashioned tolerance, killed three, and wounded 16 others.
"Hopefully, this is a sign of better days," said the rusty trader, "Perhaps even a return to the great days of Tolerance and Conciliation."

Well, what do us humans have if not our hopes and dreams?

In the photo: A McShiekh's in Yemen. Yet another example of Western civilization shattering the innocence and purity of Middle Eastern culture:




Hat tip: Yemen: "Tolerance and Conciliation Festival" nets 3 dead, 16 wounded from Eye on the World
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Sunday, January 13, 2008

Settlements Frozen After Bush Visit

ISL – West Bank

Immediately following President Bush's historic visit to Israel, Jewish settlements in the West Bank have begun to freeze. Although this development was not entirely unexpected, residents are still shocked by the abruptness of the move. For the first time this winter temperatures dropped to zero and worse. Residents from Har Bracha, Beth El and other settlements reported that they are getting colder every second, "We are freezing here," said Meir Levy from Har Brakha, "And there is no end in site."

The Yesha council has begged the government to stop freezing the settlements but
Prime Minister Ehud Olmert denied that the government has anything to do with the current drop in temperatures in the Jewish settlements, "Such a claim is absurd and just goes to show that the settlers are really out of their mind."
The settlers of course disagree – many reliable witnesses claim to have seen a huge human apparition approaching their homes and freezing them. Going by these eyewitness accounts, ISL photoshop experts have managed to create a near exact picture of the being that froze the settlements over the weekend and , to tell the truth, it bears a striking resemblance to Olmert. But judge for yourselves:

In the photo - Ehud "Mr. Freeze the Settlements" Olmertnaegger as seen yesterday near Har Bracha:





While searching for appropriate photos I came across this lovely set of pictures comparing Olmert to Shrek from an Israeli newsblog, which I was not familiar with, called One Jerusalem:



In my opinion, there's not much of a difference. I think Shrek looks better though.
Olmert is certainly an ogre – but a really mean one as opposed to the kind-hearted Shrek. Also, Olmert is unfortunately quite real. Will he end the Israeli fairytale or will a bold hero come to save us? If so, who will it be? Batman? Spiderman? Bibiman...?

Finally – can you guess the identity of Olmert's talking donkey??
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Friday, January 11, 2008

Best of Middle East Satire Issue No. 2

Welcome to the second issue of ME satire links. As I explained in the first issue, I aim to gather the best satire published on the net in the past week and present it to my readers. In the event that I did not find any from this week - I will go back in time to unearth some gems which, perhaps, have gone unnoticed or at least are worth remembering.
If you know of a ME satire site or a related post that is worthy, please tell me about it in the comments or by email so that others may enjoy it as well.

Note:If you are reading this from a feed you will not be able to see the videos.

This week's picks

First we have one of the best cartoons I've seen about Israel's tireless, utterly futile efforts to make peace with its neighbors, from a large joke site called Jib-Jab. Really, all you need to know about "Peace" in one image.

Second is a long post titled "What every woman knows.... " from a discontinued Saudi blog .
It is about the situation of women in the Kingdom and what to do about it. This was not intended as satire but there are some funny parts, especially if you scroll down to his "Guide to a Visit in a Saudi House". Really useful, especially for us Jews...anyway, I think the post itself is very interesting, besides being somewhat humorous.

more after the jump -


Would you believe a satire piece about Hizbullah aired on Lebanese TV? According to the guy who posted this on YouTube the Shiites rioted and it was taken down. I bet they don't have any mirrors in their houses either...fortunately us infidels invented the internet so hopefully it will live forever ! I hope the comedians themselves weren't killed by those strict adherents of the "Religion of Peace".





And here is a marvelous video posted on Youtube by "Someone Had To". It is a brilliant satire of the BBC coverage of the region. At least I think it is satire. The way the BBC is going these days it really is hard to tell...



And finally, everything you need to know about "Offended Muslim Syndrome" from a really fantastic site called "The People's Cube". Lot's of funny stuff in the comments there too.

I hope you enjoyed the second issue of The Best Middle East Satire Links! Your comments and suggestions are welcome.

Related:
The first issue of Middle East Satire Links





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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Bush Visit Already Increasing Democracy in Israel!

ISL – Jerusalem

The fateful visit of the United States President may not fulfill all expectations but at least it has started on the right track, immediately increasing Israeli democracy and therefore enhancing its security by that much more.
This, after Israeli Peace Police arrested several right wing fanatics who attempted to spread seditious facts, inconvenient truths and other information not authorized by the government yesterday in Jerusalem. Said Chief of the Peace Police in Jerusalem, Superintendent Gad Navon: "We were expecting an influx of right-wing fanatics who would attempt to spread illicit information and thus attempt to derail Bush's visit. Fortunately we were prepared and stopped them on time."

Israeli PM Olmert praised the efforts of the Peace Police, "Without their constant vigilance, Israeli democracy would look like a wild free-for-all of competing ideas. We would have anarchy, not democracy," said Olmert.

As an added precaution against the spreading of unauthorized truth and facts the Peace Police has shut down right-wing media outlets such as Israeli National News. Olmert explained that under ordinary circumstances Israeli democracy can tolerate the existence of information that is contrary to established government propaganda, "However," said Olmert, "These are difficult times and Israeli democracy cannot afford the luxury of an opposition to Peace and Human Rights."

Security forces have also declared a closure on all settlements in the West Bank. Settlers will not be allowed into Jerusalem in order to protect foreign reporters from information that may confuse them . Palestinian terrorists though, will be allowed to travel to the capital to attend the Peace negotiations.

It is not known yet how the three members of the settler cell were able to get into the nation's capital. Head of the Yesha Council said that, in all probability, the three settlers were undercover agents working for the Israel Security Service, "By our estimates, close to ninety percent of the political activity in the settlements is being initiated and conducted by the ISS. We barely bother to do anything anymore since they are always far more aggressive then we are and somehow they always manage to get excellent TV coverage."


Sigh. So much for democracy in Israel…no wonder our politicians are in love with their Arab counterparts.

Hat Tip: Joe Settler who has the details in "Democracy flies the coop"


Related:
President Bush Visit to Bring Peace, Solve Global Warming, End Poverty

New Peace Police to Protect Israelis From Reality
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Wednesday, January 9, 2008

President Bush Visit to Bring Peace, Solve Global Warming, End Poverty

ISL – Jerusalem

Expectations are running high in the Middle East in preparation for the visit of the Almighty President of the United States. The region's simple and somewhat superstitious peoples are hanging all their hopes on this visit. Even the intellectual elites cannot help but get caught up in the almost religious fervor that has gripped the Middle East. Some hope that a word from the All Knowing Bush in the right ear at the right time will convince Israel and the Palestinians to kiss and make up for good. Others are hoping for a break in the winter drought that has hit the region. Thousands of children have written letters to the White House ahead of the visit, asking for everything from the newest Ipod, to World Peace. But can the Almighty President Bush deliver? Will He? Does the Wise and All Powerful Bush care at all about us?

These questions are difficult to answer. There is no doubt that if He wants to – He can perform all of these miracles. After all, that is why people call him The Almighty Bush and fear Him and His awesome, unlimited Power. Everyone recalls, for instance, how He ordered the end of the Evil Iraqi Empire – and it was so. It is enough to remember the recent Annapolis Peace Conference in which the region's problems were miraculously solved instantly and painlessly, for the hundredth time. Old timers may also remember how Bush performed the "Miracle of the Guarantee" in which He promised that a small part of the Promised Land may, perhaps, one day, remain under Israeli control.
So, there is no doubt that the President of the United states can do anything He wants. The question is – what does He want?




Unfortunately , that question admits to no easy answer. How can ordinary people, as insightful and intelligent as they may be hope to penetrate the vast, intricate considerations of such a far-sighted being as The President of the United States? And yet, what else can we do but speculate about His actions which, after all, determine our future?

Such speculation will show that His actions have varied – at times He is generous, raining money and weapons on all the peoples of the region, Israelis, Palestinians, Egyptians, Saudis and even the Iraqis, who, unfortunately, received their weaponry unpacked. Other times He is petulant and His face is turned from us - strong statements are issued in support of our enemies who grow powerful and beleaguer us. Then there is no rain, the land is barren and no weapons grow. And then, after a while, the sun comes out again and smiles upon us and all is as before. Why the change? Why the change back? No one knows and it is doubtful if we ever will. His ways are inscrutable and not to be questioned by mortal man - be he political observer or wishful editor.

So be it. We must resign ourselves to accept The President's will and hope and pray for the best.
At this time, His visit has begun and His feet have touched upon the earth of our fortunate nation and blessed it. All praise the Bush!
May His will be done.
Amen.





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Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Judges Guild Denounces Supreme Court Reform

ISL – Jerusalem
The Israeli Guild of Judges issued a formal statement today, denouncing the reforms initiated by Minister of Justice Professor Daniel Friedman. The reforms aim to install modern, democratic procedures in the training and election of judges in the Israeli judicial system but they have come under fire by numerous opponents, chief among them the all powerful Judges Guild.

The Israeli Guild of Judges was established in 1886 in Petah Tikva by the Honorable Yerehmiel Barak, great-great grandfather of the retired Supreme Court Chief Justice Aharon Barak the Tenth . The guild served the growing Jewish community in its secular affairs and with the establishment of the State of Israel the Guild's position as sole arbiter and judge in the country was formally ratified. Since then, all judges are trained and appointed by the Guild in procedures that are shrouded in mystery, "No one knows exactly how a new judge is appointed or why," says legal expert Professor Ruth Gabison, who has dedicated her life to fighting the Guild, "And the few who came close to discovering their secrets have disappeared and were never seen again."

Chief Justice Dorit Beinish the Fourth, who's family became a member of the Guild in the 1950's said that the Guild has served the Israeli public for years in the most professional way possible, "The Guild is good for everybody," said Beinish, "Only we know how to properly train a judge and our procedure for selection to the bench has never failed us," said the Chief Justice, "The Guild always chooses the best and most appropriate judges -as indicated by my own selection," said the Chief Justice.
"The fact is that complaints are few and far between and they are dealt with in the most professional manner," said Beinish " I know because I have dealt with such complaints myself, such as the ridiculous charges of corruption against my husband who, I can assure you - since I dealt with the matter personally - turned out to be completely innocent."

Beinish said that the reforms would be a tragedy for the whole country, "Better to stick with the tried and true than risk the hazards of the unknown as the saying goes," said the Chief Judge, who also expressed concern for the public who is used to the current system,


"Over the years the Guild has refined its definition of Justice in a manner that only other professional judges trained by the Guild can recognize it as such – any tampering with the system will inevitably result in confusion and disappointment on the part of the public who has come to rely on our judgement in all matters, public and private," Beinish warned.

But despite these misgivings, the Minister of Justice said that he would push on with the reforms, "There is no doubt that guilds can play a useful and even important part in society, especially in a medieval society," said Prof. Friedman, "However, seeing as we have already begun the 21st century and we live in a democratic society, I find it hard to justify the continued existence of a Judicial Guild which is beginning to look increasingly like a cabal of power hungry, corrupt judges as opposed to a professional service to the public."

Amen.
The one thing that truly amazes me about Friedman's actions while in office is his continued existence. I mean, how is that we haven't found out yet that he has been raping his two daughters since they were children? Or that he is an embezzler, a drug addict, a secret admirer of Rabbi Kahane and, generally speaking, enemy of the people number one? Where are you Manny Mazoz? Where are the police and the reporters when you really need them to make up some charges and frame a guy who is clearly a menace to mankind?
I'm telling you, our society is going to pieces…

Related:
The reforms as reported by INN

Husband of Supreme Court Chief not charged with anything - yeah, big surprise.

Olmert Indicted for Jaywalking; Faces up to Thirty Years in Prison
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Monday, January 7, 2008

Israeli Peace Movement Set to Replace Deserting Palestinian Leadership (edited)

ISL – Jerusalem
The Palestinian leadership, handpicked and chosen by the Israeli Peace Movement two decades ago in order to best represent the interests of the Palestinian nation is now deserting ship – this, according to a report by the knowledgeable Danny Rubinstein from Ha'aretz, that bastion of rape in the Israeli media.
Well-known Palestinian leaders such as Nabil Sha'at, Mohammed Dahlan and Hassan Asfour who negotiated the Oslo Accords with Israel have now moved their families abroad and barely bother to even visit their homeland, "Life in Palestine sucks," said Sha'at in a recent interview, "It was good while it lasted but most of us are sick of the charade - there is no Palestinian nation and never was," admitted Sha'at, "We were just hired to play the part by the Israeli Palestinian Liberation Organization (IPLO)."

Needless to say this is a terrible blow to the large Israeli umbrella organization, the IPLO, who sponsored the Palestinian nation and its leadership and initiated the Oslo Accords, shoving them down the throat of unwilling Israelis and Palestinians.
Of course, the Israeli leaders of the movement were quick to condemn Sha'at and his comrades, "Sha'at is a disgrace to all Palestinians," said Yossi Beilin, a longtime senior leader in the IPLO, "He is a liar and a traitor to his people and will be dealt with accordingly." Beilin said that the IPLO will establish a tribunal for crimes against the Palestinian people to deal with what he called


"Weak links in the Israeli-Palestinian chain of Peace, Freedom and Human Rights."

Meanwhile, leaders of the IPLO were scurrying to salvage the wreckage of the Palestinian national movement that they established at great cost years ago. ISL has learned that it was decided in an urgent meeting held in the top- secret IPLO Command Center in the Knesset cafeteria that it would send its best and brightest leaders to take over the leadership of the Palestinian nation in view of the incompetence of the Palestinians, "It saddens me to admit this," said Beilin, "But it seems the Palestinians can't do anything by themselves except kill Jews – which is fine as far as it goes," said Beilin, "But what about nation building? What about the institutions? How about a Kupat Holim or a Kibbutz?"

It was decided that Beilin, together with a staff of two hundred bright young Israeli paper shufflers, will move into the Ramallah compound immediately and start organizing the next phase in the establishment of a free Palestinian country. This was also the real reason why Beilin dropped so suddenly and with no apparent motive from the Meretz leadership race.
According to ISL sources the move will be made within the week, just in time for Bush's visit to the area. This way, Beilin will be able to present his new plan for Peace Now and the establishment of a Free Palestinian State within the next six months in front of a world-wide audience.

However, despite the upbeat media bytes emanating from the Israeli Peace Camp, significant questions still remain: Will the Palestinians accept Beilin's leadership? What will the current leader Mahmoud Abbas have to say about it? Will the Hamas surrender Gaza to Beilin?
Surprisingly, the answer to these provocative question may actually be affirmative.

A quick trip to Ramallah by ISL correspondent turned up many positive responses, "All Arabs are thieves and nobody in his right mind would trust them," said one shopkeeper who yearns for a Jewish leader for his people or at least for his town. Others said that the only thing that could save Palestine is a Jewish President. When we mentioned the name "Yossi Beilin" their eyes lit up. Apparently, Beilin is known in Palestinian territories as "Abu Oslo" and he is highly regarded, "He is the only one who will stick with the Palestinians through thick and thin," was the general tone of the comments in Ramallah and it seems that his reception there will be no less grand than that of his predecessor and mentor, Yasser Arafat.

Meanwhile, in Israel, the possible advent of a Hebrew speaking Israeli to the Palestinian leadership is raising high hopes for peace, "Yossi, I mean Abu Oslo, is a good friend," said Israeli PM Ehud Olmert, "He is a tough negotiator and no doubt he will drive a hard bargain for his people but I am sure we will manage to work things out as we always have in the past."

Middle East experts are optimistic as well, noting that for the first time in twenty years the Israeli and Palestinian leaderships will be speaking the same language, "One would hope that they will finally be able to understand each other," said renowned expert Daniel Pipes, "Because clearly, until now, they have utterly failed to do so."

Finally, the world begins to make sense!

Related:
The original article from Ha'aretz. Very interesting. No doubt, Danny knows his stuff, but like every leftist he has an incredible blind spot that simply does not allow him to reach the logical conclusion from his own information: What manner of national movement rises and falls within decades? Wouldn't such a phenomenon indicate that it is a largely artificial one? I think it is reasonable to at least consider it instead of jumping to the conclusion that - you guessed it- unless Israel agrees to whatever the Palestinians want then there is no hope for the Palestinian national movement. Why Israel should care, one way or the other is beyond me. Shouldn't we be worrying about taking care of our own, first? You know, Sderot, Ashkelon...the settlers in and out of the green line?
Anyway, read the whole thing, it's worth it.



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Sunday, January 6, 2008

Jews to be Allowed on Temple Mount But Breathing Ruled Illegal

ISL – Jerusalem
Following a sudden change of heart, Minister of Public Security, Avi Dichter, rescinded his previous ruling that barred Jews from praying, mumbling, or hiccupping on the Temple Mount. Previously, MK's from the religious right protested the ruling as unfair, inhuman and even racist and the Yesha Council of Rabbis pronounced a new day of fasting on the Jewish calendar to commemorate the odious occasion.

However, The Minister has now trumped all protests by completely reversing his ruling. According to the new decree, Jews will be allowed on the Temple Mount and they can do whatever they want for as long as they want just as long as they don't breathe while they are there.
Dichter explained this amazing change of heart, "My driver was listening to a tape by Amnon Itzhak, the great Baal Teshuva, and what do you know," said Dichter, "Even though I wasn't even listening, by the time we drove from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem he had me convinced. I suddenly realised what I was really missing in my life - religion."

With this intuition, Dichter then called Olmert who approved the move, "He really supported me from the beginning," said Dichter, "He told me: 'The more Jews we get on Temple Mount that don't breathe, the better."
The stipulation of not breathing was not Dichter's idea, "It is a compromise between the government's wish to do what's right and just on the one hand and the need to do what is politically possible on the other," Dichter explained, "At the moment this is the best we can do and I'm sure the people will understand."

And indeed the religious right was ecstatic in its praise of the new decision,


"It is a miracle of G-D," declared Rabbi Zalman Shoov, Head of the large "Nishmat Kol Hai" Yeshiva in Hebron, "This is everything we were praying for and more."
The Rabbi said that he would lead a group of Jews in prayers on the holy site as quickly as possible, "It is true that we are not allowed to breathe – but since when has that ever stopped us from doing what the Lord commanded us?" asked the Rabbi, "We prayed when the Greeks prohibited it, we remained Jewish when the Romans forbid it, we prayed in Europe for a thousand miserable years, so what's the big deal?" said the Rabbi, "Breathing is highly over-rated as it is. I'm not even convinced that we Jews really have to breath – we just haven't tried not to yet."

Others were less than sanguine. Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, the leader of the moderate Shas Party ruled that Jews must not attempt to enter the Temple Mount for reasons of Pikuach Nefesh. The Rabbi, who met with senior medical officials, said that as a result of the information he heard from the experts it is clear to him that not breathing may result in death and hence the ruling.

Other prominent Ashkenazi rabbis pointed out that not breathing over a long period of time has already been discussed at length and proclaimed "Assur" by our forefathers (Re: Sanhedrin, 16:6) and that, in fact, it has become a tradition of sorts for Jews to continue breathing as long as possible, "Our forefathers breathed all the time, including on Yom Kippur," said Chief Rabbi Yonah Metzger, "And we must continue to cherish and respect this tradition which has been handed down from father to son for thousands of years."

But despite these rulings, the Zionist Rabbi Shoov said that he would go through with his plan, "This is an opportunity that cannot be missed – for the first time in a thousand years a Jew will lead a prayer on the Temple Mount. If we have to hold our breath for half an hour or more – so be it. I am sure G-d will help us as he always has before."


This would be a good time to drastically shorten the service. Don't you think?

Hat tip: Yid With Lid where I saw his article. I noticed it by browsing through Havel Havalim – the Jewish blogging carnival - which is hosted this week by Yid With Lid. Check it out – there are a lot of great posts there.

Related:
Israeli Rabbis Admit: Western Wall is Palestinian

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Saturday, January 5, 2008

Best of Middle East Satire Issue No. 1

I thought it would be a nice idea to scour the internet every week and at the end of it give my readers a roundup of the best satire on the web concerning the Middle East. So I tried it this week and the results were somewhat discouraging. First of all there no websites devoted to satire in the Middle East that I could find, excluding Dry Bones, which you all probably already know and cherish. It seems odd considering that the region is constantly in the news.

Then I said that I would just gather the best stuff from regular satire sites like Scrappleface and the Onion. But they did not have anything recent about the Middle East. I then searched the web for any satire sites at all, in English. I went through about a hundred satire sites. A majority of them were discontinued, even the good ones like Satire Wire. Pretty depressing for a new satire site and it also makes Dry Bones 35th birthday all the more notable – it is really difficult to keep up a high quality satire for any length of time, let alone 35 years. Kol Ha Kavod Yaakov!
Anyway in all these sites I was only able to find one satire piece concerning the Middle East that was written this week (see below).

After this I had the idea that there must be tons of satire sites in the Arab world – after all, Muslim culture today is the leading source of satire worldwide. True, the sites are probably in Arabic but I reasoned that there must be a few aimed at the English speaking world. Apparently, though, I was wrong. Using a large Arab blog portal called AlBab I went through a lot of Arab blogs in English and did not find one that dealt explicitly with satire. I found that very weird.

So, what all this means is that my dream of a weekly roundup of ME satire in the past week is looking unattainable. So I decided to do the next best thing – I will try to bring you the best ME satire I found the past week but it will not necessarily be up to date. That's not too bad because a lot of good satire has been written in the past about the region and perhaps, like me, you were unaware of it.

Finally, if you own a ME satire site in English or know of one, please inform me through the comments or by Email (on the sidebar). It does not have to be necessarily conservative. I'm sure there is a lot to ridicule about Zionists and Jews - although why one would want to parody the finest, humblest nation on earth is beyond me - but as long as it is not hateful and it is in good taste them I'm ok with it.

Now to this weeks picks:

First is a recent post from this very week . It looks like a caption contest called Lolterizt (I'm guessing lol terrorists) at the IMAO political humor blog. There's some funny pictures there.

Second is an absolute must- see gem of a video. It is a hilarious song called "I Wanna Be Like Osama" from the theatrical production "Jihad - The Musical". This show ran in the Edinborough Fringe Festival the past summer. The magnificent singer and performer is Sorab Wadia. Even if you have a slow connection it is well worth the wait in my opinion.






This is a short one from the now defunct but always excellent Satire Wire. Sadly, five years later this is still relevant.

A nice joke from Jewlarious , at Aish called Iranian Nights. Personally I would be satisfied with far less than that...

An AlQaeda Recruitng video - pretty hilarious (if you're not a terrorist) but the video is quite slow loading up.

And finally, an absolute must see clip from Israel. It is called "Security Groove" and created by the excellent Israeli comedian Idan Alterman. I'm not sure if this was intended to be a satire piece or just a sad or poignant video of the reality in Israel. But the truth is that security during all the wars was never as bad a concern as it is today.
15 years after Israel signed the Oslo Peace Accords, the situation for both Israelis and Palestinians is far worse than it ever was before. Watch and weep - and laugh. Because it's really funny, and we're Jewish and besides, what else can we do???




I hope you enjoyed this first edition of The Best Middle East Satire Links on the Web. Your feedback and suggestions are most welcome!
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Thursday, January 3, 2008

Dozens Injured in Meretz Infighting as Palestinian Civil War Spreads to Israel

ISL – Ramat Ha-Sharon

Just days after eight Palestinians were killed in the ongoing civil war in Gaza, the bitter rivalry between the Fatah and Hamas movement spilled over into Israeli politics as well. The violent incident occurred during a regular meeting of the Meretz executive committee intended to discuss routine matters such as the ongoing crimes of the Jewish people against humanity. Unfortunately, instead of showing a united front vis-à-vis the Zionist government, the meeting deteriorated into a free for all in which dozens of senior party members were injured.

As of now, it is unclear how the fighting started. According to one witness everything began when senior Mk Zehava Galon called Yossi Beilin a 'Zionist', "After that all hell broke loose, " said the witness, "Yossi can't stand being called a Zionist – it just drives him crazy. It's like calling Marty Mcfly: 'chicken'."

Others said that the tensions between the two factions in Meretz – the Fatah faction led by Yossi Beilin and including Yael Dayan, Mossi Raz and others and the Hamas faction headed by Galon and Oron were bound to come to a head sooner or later, "No one is surprised," said Meretz members a day after the carnage, "The tension has been in the air for several months – ever since the takeover of Gaza by the Hamas."

In any case, after being called a Zionist, it seems that the enraged Beilin promptly smashed a chair over Galon's head and proceeded to attack his bitter rival, Haim Oron. Beilin jumped over the conference table and tackled Oron who tried to stab Beilin with a pencil. Supporters of both sides took out their weapons - pen cases and sharp paper edges - and joined in the fray.

By the end of the day , the authorities counted dozens of moderately wounded Meretz members– mostly from paper cuts - the majority of whom have already been treated and released to their homes. Only Galon and Beilin are still hospitalized - Galon for a mild concussion and Beilin for being a jerk.


Palestinian leaders from the Hamas and Fatah denounced the violence saying that the only thing standing between the Palestinians and a complete Zionist victory is the steadfast strength of the Israeli Palestinian Liberation Organization (IPLO), "Without you we are nothing," said Abbas who visited Galon. A Hamas spokesman said that he hopes that the violence will prove to their Jewish supporters the importance of converting to a more peaceful religion such as Islam, "Obviously, such brutality would never occur if Meretz members were Muslims." The Hamas government also extended an invitation to both side to come to Gaza "To talk it over."

Long time Israeli politicians said that they are not surprised, "This just proves once again that 'Peace now' causes war and violence," said Likud leader, Bibi Netanyahu,



"'Peace now' has a corrupting and immoral influence on Israeli society and the Meretz melee is just another example in a long list which includes the corruption of the judiciary, the press and the police," said Bibi who concluded, "If you sleep with dogs, you will wake up with fleas."

Coincidentally, the police have not yet arrested anyone. Galon said that she will not press charges against Beilin, "Even though he is a fascist pig and a Zionist tool" in order not to embarrass the party further. Beilin said that as far as he is concerned the matter is water under the bridge, "I'm just sorry I didn't murder the sanctimonious bitch when I hit her on the head with that chair," said Beilin.

In a mutual statement issued by both, they expressed their sincere regret and their mutual desire to continue the revolution till victory, "A foul Zionist scheme caused members of Meretz to lose their heads temporarily and turn against their brothers," said the announcement, "But to no avail – we remain united in our determination to resist the Zionist forces of occupation and fight them till victory is ours."


After which of course, in the best tradition of Leftist parties all over the world, they will turn against each other. I just wish we could reverse the order…can't they destroy themselves before they destroy all of us?

Related:
The original item from the Jpost

and in case you missed it, a previous take on this matter from yours truly:
Deep Ideological Differences Drive Civil War in Gaza

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Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Palestinians Like Some Bang With Their Coffee

ISL – Gaza

The Palestinians have proven to be quite a rowdy bunch – always beating people up or killing them in some grisly manner, and their concept of the suicide bomber – the Palestinians' sole contribution to human culture - has even become world famous. So it comes with no surprise to hear that they have replaced the staple of sugar with potassium nitrate, a chemical used in making bombs. This was discovered a few days ago when IDF troops found the explosives in sacks marked "Sugar from the European Community".

The Palestinians immediately explained that, for them, potassium nitrate is indeed sugar, "How else do you think we make our human bombs?" said Minister of Health and Suicide Bombers, Ibrahim Nafak, "The Ministry recommends a daily dose of two spoonfuls a day of explosive chemicals for every Palestinian child, and twice that amount for grown ups," said Mr. Nafak.
The list of approved and recommended chemicals by the Ministry includes nitric acid, sulfuric acid, nitroglycerin and hexamine, all basic chemicals in the manufacture of explosives and part of the daily diet of every Palestinian since the Oslo Peace Accords were signed in 1993. Their use has become so common that today, it is considered unpatriotic to have sugar with your coffee or tea, "Why use sugar, which is expensive and bad for your teeth when you can fill yourself up with some good, wholesome nitric acid?" explained the Minister,

"Palestinian women have learned how to make excellent cakes using potassium nitrate and the children love them."
The ubiquitous coffee shops and their customers have learned to appreciate the bitter-sweet taste of sulfuric acid and the rumbling after effects of tea laced with nitroglycerin, "We call it Intifada tea," said Mr Khalil, owner of a large coffee shop in Gaza, "Because it causes so much unrest in your stomach."
"By the age of fifteen, the average Palestinian has imbibed several kilos of explosive material and is completely ready to be a suicide bomber, if he hasn't died already from all these chemicals," said Mr. Nafak, "Then, all we do is hand them a detonator and point them in the right direction," said the Minister, "And Allah, Bless Him and His Prophet Muhammad, do the rest."

In Israel, the government immediately apologized for the misunderstanding, "For years we have been under the impression that these chemicals were used in manufacturing explosives – we had no idea they are part of the native Palestinian diet," said a Foreign ministry spokesman, who promised that from now on, Israel will expedite all shipments of chemical food materials, "I know that if someone would deprive me of my daily sugar fix I would go crazy," said the spokesman, "So it is no wonder they hate us so much."

Well, I'm glad we cleared that up, you know, because these small misunderstandings can really come back to haunt you...

Related:
The original post from the Jpost

"Arafat sets up factory of explosives" A short post from Facts of Israel. Old, but not old enough to be irrelevant, unfortunately.

Lemon Lime Moon on the same subject is apparently not an admirer of the European Union...



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