Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Muslims Accept Challenge of 24 Hour Ban on Murder

ISL- New York, 31 August, 2011 - Muslim leaders announced yesterday their acceptance of a challenge issued by US President Balak Obama to refrain from killing other people for a whole 24 hours, beginning September 7. The challenge came after the publication of a decisive report by the White House counter-terrorism task force, which found that people rumored to be associated with Islam may be tangentially implicated in the recent, decades old rise in global mayhem and murder. Obama said that the challenge was issued  in consideration of the feelings of Muslims around the world, who may be offended even by the smallest hint of negativity raised in the report, and also in order to remove any doubt regarding the true nature of Islam: "If Muslims can stop killing other people for 24 hours, I believe that will prove once and for all that there is no connection between the religion of peace and terrorism," said the President.

Muslim leaders around the world embraced the report, which describes the thousands of acts of  terrorism by Islamists as being committed by mentally -ill, criminal, and misguided Muslims. "We have a lot of crazy and misguided people in our country,"  Iranian President Ahmadenijad admitted sheepishly, "But we are doing our best to find them and re-educate them in the true essence of Islam, for instance by stoning and whipping." President Ahmadenijad also said that though his country accepts the challenge and will do its best to comply, success is doubtful, "Since there are many fanatical, fringe groups that are not under our control, such as: Hizbullah, Al-Kaeda, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, Hizbu-Tahrir, Jundulaah, Jamiat-e Islamiya, Mujahedin-e Khalq, Takfir wal-Hijra, Palestine Liberation Front, Jamiat ul-Ansar, Jaish-e-Mohammed, Islamic Jihad Union, Hizbul Mujahideen and so on...


The Head of the "Let's Not Murder People for One Day Contest", Professor John Esposito, said that allowances will be made for the difficulties Islamic societies have in restraining their numerous lunatic fringes, and therefore, "The winner will be the country whose citizens kill the least people in the name of Islam in the designated 24 hour period."
First prize will be ten pounds of uranium and a nuclear reactor, courtesy of the American Counter-Terrorism Task-Force, which will be provided "as a confidence-building measure."

As it happens, I encountered yesterday a website called the Religion of Peace, which methodically tracks all the attacks conducted by Muslims in the name of Islam. The numbers are simply astounding  - about once an hour someone in the world is killed in the name of Islam. In the month of Ramadan alone, nearly 800 people were killed. Fortunately, the leaders of the West are completely aware of this terrible danger and are doing their best to stop it.
Just kidding. Sigh.


Update: one hour after I posted this,  news of another massacre by Muslims came in, this time in Russia. 9 people were killed. This comes on the Muslim holiday, Eid El-Fitr. What were they celebrating?
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Sunday, August 28, 2011

Introducing: The Encyclopedia of Jew-Hating

Although for many long centuries the basic tenets of Jew-Hating have been known to many peoples in the West and in Islamic countries, they have typically been passed from father to son in a beautiful, heart-warming oral tradition and not in a systematic, detailed, conscious manner. Although this method of cultural transfer has been effective, there is no doubt that at least some of the cherished anti-Semitic traditions have fallen on the wayside and have been forgotten throughout the ages. In fact, it is only recently that researchers at the Israeli Satire Laboratory have taken it upon themselves to gather and organize the various pieces of knowledge, assumptions, superstitions, folk-sayings, and stories that have guided Jew-Hatred throughout the ages to such great success.

We are now proud to officially announce that these efforts have born fruit in the form of the Encyclopedia of Jew-Hating, published electronically by the Israeli Satire Laboratory Corporation. In order to familiarize the concerned anti-Semitic public with the Encyclopedia, we will periodically publish selected items from the Encyclopedia. Today we offer the public, for the first time, the definition of a Jew, an issue that has concerned many thoughtful anti-Semites, Jews, scholars, and legal practitioners throughout the ages.
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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Letters that Sarah Netanyahu Should Have Written

A week and a half ago, the Israeli government implemented its decision to deport families of illegal immigrants. Being families, the move also included deporting children. Apparently, the sight of children being banished from their temporary homes in a foriegn country was too much for PM Netanyahu's wife, Sarah, who wrote a letter. The stupid, soppy, sentimental letter was addressed to the cold-hearted Minister of Interior, Eli Yishai, who is willing to sacrifice his public image, in order to try to preserve the Jewish character of the...Jewish state. The letter was widely publicized, and caused quite an uproar. This got us to thinking, surely there must be other letters that Sarah Netanyahu could have written. Here a few suggestions (please note the dates - some of these letters are old):

August, 2011
Dear Eli Yishai,
I understand that you are about to implement the government's decision regarding the deportation of illegal immigrants. I am sure that it pains you to deport children who have lived here for several years and consider Israel their second home, victims of their parents illegal acts and manipulations. As a psychologist, let me be the first to to tell you that I appreciate the pressure you are under from the media and other anti-Zionist organizations to let these gentiles stay and become Israeli citizens. Let me also be the first to tell you: I stand by your side in your efforts to maintain Israel's Jewish character - after all, we do have only one country to live in.
Thank you,
Sarah

Of course, such a letter would probably have landed Sarah in jail (see the recent case of Israeli Sephardi singer, Margol, who spoke against the social protests).

Let's try another letter:

July 2005
Dear Husband,
Today you voted in favor of the Disengagement. You did this even though you know for a fact that the cost to Israel, in economic, spiritual, and security terms is immeasurable. You voted in favor even though the Disengagement represents everything you have ever opposed: it is a cruel, anti-Zionist, anti-Semitic act, committed by a Prime Minister trying at all costs to avoid a criminal trial. It is by all counts, a terrible decision, which, as you have said many times, we will all live to regret. Still, you voted in favor. Why?
Because you are a coward. Because you are a liar. Because you are a hypocrite. Because you hold no principles more dear than tomorrow's headlines.
Living with you is like living on a sea of shifting moral quicksand; I never know when a pit of immorality will open up and swallow me.
Therefore I am leaving you to your miserable, petty, political calculations and to your public image, whom you love more than your wife, your children, and your people - the people of Israel.
Bibi, you disgust me.
Goodbye,
Sarah

And another:

August 2005
Dear Ariel ,
I turn to you as a mother of  two young sons and a psychologist in the public service. From the depths of my heart, I beg you to reconsider the inhuman decision you have taken and allow the 3000 children in Gush Katif to remain  in their own homes, in their own country. Who knows better than me the trauma of uprooting an entire family from their own homes, by their own brethren. The psychological damage cannot be imagined and may take generations to repair. Israel must find a solution for these children and their families - their expulsion is an unconscionable act, unworthy of your legacy as a savior of Israel.
Yours,
Sarah

And finally, this is what happens when you don't do the right thing - one day you wake up and you just can't stand yourself anymore:

Dear friends and family,
Today I woke up and looked in the mirror and suddenly I realized that I am nothing more than a stupid cow. I know that I am a fool, a dunce, a woman of weak character and  immoral disposition. For years I have been nothing but a burden on my husband's career, shaming him with my ridiculous and extravagant desires and escapades.
Dear friends and family, words cannot express how ashamed I am for behaving in such an inconsiderate, self-indulgent manner. I am a worthless human being and therefore I have to decided to do the only worthy thing left to me - I am going to kill myself and rid the world of at least one useful idiot.
Goodbye friends and family. To tell the truth, I really did not care that much about any of you.
Sarah

In conclusion, dear reader, next time you choose a prime minister (or president) do us all a favor - take a good, long, hard look at his wife. If she is a weak-minded idiot, then her husband probably is too.



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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Netanyahu: Palestinians are not our enemies, only the terrorists are

In a first reaction to the fatal terrorist attacks on Jews near Eilat and the renewal of missile attacks on Israel's South, Netanyahu  clarified that  Israel will retaliate harshly against the terrorists who conducted the attacks and their leaders, but not against the Palestinians, who are not Israel's enemies.
"The people who chose the anti-Semitic, genocidal Hamas government are not our enemies," Netanyahu said. "After all, is it the voters' fault that Hamas now controls the government and is fulfilling its campaign promises to kill all the Jews and destroy Israel?" Netanyahu asked rhetorically. "Of course not! Obviously, the  Palestinian civilians who feed, train, educate, arm, applaud, encourage, and harbor and abet the terrorists, are not our enemies," Netanyahu said and added: "Come to think of it, Israel does not have enemies – after all, the Iranians are not our enemies, and neither are the Egyptians or Syrians."
"At most," Netanyahu said, "There a few dozen terrorists who are our enemies, and we will try to find them and kill them, but only if they are nowhere near any Palestinians, who are our friends."
Netanyah also reminded the Press that since Israel has no enemies, and, as Rabin memorably said, "You can only make peace with your enemies", the never ending efforts to make peace between Israel and its neighbors are futile: "No wonder all the efforts to make peace have failed," Netanyahu said, "We're already friends!"  

Whew. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that Israel does not have any enemies. Now I can sleep well at night, safe in the knowledge that the security and future of our nation is in such good hands. I hope you do too... 
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