Introducing: The Encyclopedia of Jew-Hating

Although for many long centuries the basic tenets of Jew-Hating have been known to many peoples in the West and in Islamic countries, they have typically been passed from father to son in a beautiful, heart-warming oral tradition and not in a systematic, detailed, conscious manner. Although this method of cultural transfer has been effective, there is no doubt that at least some of the cherished anti-Semitic traditions have fallen on the wayside and have been forgotten throughout the ages. In fact, it is only recently that researchers at the Israeli Satire Laboratory have taken it upon themselves to gather and organize the various pieces of knowledge, assumptions, superstitions, folk-sayings, and stories that have guided Jew-Hatred throughout the ages to such great success.

We are now proud to officially announce that these efforts have born fruit in the form of the Encyclopedia of Jew-Hating, published electronically by the Israeli Satire Laboratory Corporation. In order to familiarize the concerned anti-Semitic public with the Encyclopedia, we will periodically publish selected items from the Encyclopedia. Today we offer the public, for the first time, the definition of a Jew, an issue that has concerned many thoughtful anti-Semites, Jews, scholars, and legal practitioners throughout the ages.


Jews
Jews are a world-wide network of communists, socialists, capitalists, anarchists, liberals, leftists, fascists, democrats, republicans, war-mongerers, flower children and hippies, chauvinists, feminists, gay, lesbian, and homophobic activists, Islamist apologists and haters, Zionists and anti-Zionists, conservative, reform, orthodox, ultra-orthodox, secular, and atheist practitioners, who belong to the poor, rich, and middle classes, and who are all working together to achieve their vision of a capitalist/socialist/communist/liberal/ fascist/democratic/republican/chauvinist/feminist, gay/anti-gay/conservative/reform/orthodox/secular/atheist/Zionist/Islamic/Jewish/Christian/Anti-Zionist/poor/rich/middle class society.

The Jews unique characteristic, which separates them from all the other people in the world and in history, is that they are to blame for everything. Thus, Jews are to blame for acne, pot holes, b-movies, airplane food, root canals, obesity, drowsiness, laziness, procrastination, masturbation, and immigration. Jews are to blame for poverty, inequality, technology, premature baldness, revolutions, rebellions, and riots; every dictatorship in the world, as well as every malfunctioning democracy and welfare state; terrorism, radical Islam, Evangelical Christians, as well as faithless, tree-hugging, America-hating liberals. Jews are to blame for inflation, deflation and stagflation, the national debt, global warming and cooling (as the case may be), wars of any kind at any time, crimes of every type, shape and form; racism as well as civil rights; the Ku Klux Klan, as well as Martin Luther King. Jews are to blame for Reagan and the two Bushes  as well as Carter, Obama, and Clinton (husband and wife). Jews are to blame for everything that goes wrong in your personal life including the test you failed at college, the red light you ran and got a ticket for, your divorce, the lemon you bought at the used car dealership, the failures of your favorite team (Hello Cubs!!), the promotion you never got, the sales you didn't close, the fish that got away. You name it - the Jews did it!

One may ask: how can such a vast, detailed operation be possible? How did the Jews make you stub your toe this morning on the foot of your bed? The answer is simple: The Jews are coordinated globally and throughout time by a committee of  72 immortal, celibate old men* called "The Elderly Virgins of Zion", who live in the Secret Jewish World Headquarters, which is located five hundred feet beneath the 7-11 on Dempster Street in Skokie, Illinois (Free slurpies!). With the help of  their iPods and their 13 million agents on the ground, the Jews are able to manipulate each and every small detail of our lives as well as the economies, politics, and weather of the entire world, except, it seems, their own country... (For further details see definition for: Israel; forthcoming).

*This includes Peres, of course.

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