Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Palestinian Archaeologist Says King David was Muslim

Dr, Basam Kizbawi, a Palestinian archaeologist, historian, and pokemon collector from Bir Zeit University in the West Bank caused a sensation yesterday after publishing an article that claimed, among other things, that King David was a Muslim. Intrepid ISL reporter, Joel Shmattes, risked life and limb to interview the new rising star of Palestinian academia:

Shmattes: First, perhaps you can tell our readers about your background.
Kizbawi: Certainly. I was born in Egypt, the eldest brother in a family of four and...
Shmattes: But you are Palestinian, of course.
Kizbawi: Of course, every Muslim is a Palestenian, and every Palestenian is a Muslim.
Shmattes: I mean,  your parents or grandparents were exiled from Palestine and you were forced to live in a refugee camp in Egypt.
Kizbawi: Not at all - my family is Egyptian.
Shmattes: Then why have you moved to Ramallah and taken up the Palestinian cause?
Kizbawi:  I always wanted to study history and I then received a grant from the Palestinian Authority. As everyone knows, nothing is more important for the Palestinian people than education. After all, the first university in the world was established by King David, the Palestinian King of Jerusalem, over three thousand years ago. He built a great mosque and many academies for the arts and sciences on the Holy Temple Mount of Palestinian Education. Of course,  it was almost completely destroyed in the year 845 BC, when the Jewish king of Babylon, Yossi Sennacherib overcame the Palestinian army, led by Muhammad LionHeart. All that remained is one wall, known to all Palestinans as "The Wall of Knowledge". Of course, the lying Jews stole from us our Wall and made it their own. Due to their effective propaganda machine and complete control of the media for the past 2500 years, it is now known as "the Wailing Wall". But hopefully, as more studies like mine come to light, we will be able to recover our heritage, and we will be able to set the record straight. In any case, all the knowledge that the Palestinians gave the world was then lost and the world slid into many centuries of barbarism. But fortunately, the Palestinians never gave up their mission to improve the world through learning. That is why great Palestinian thinkers, such as Ahmad el-Plato and Abu-Aristotle, who lived in exile in Greece, wrote many excellent philosophy books that are studied and cherished to this day by the entire world.
Shmattes: I must say that I am astounded.
Kizbawi: I know -  you are amazed because this is the first time you are hearing about the true, great history of the Palestinian people.
Shmattes: No, I am amazed because this is the first time I am hearing such an outrageous pile of crap in my entire life. Where the hell did you study this so-called history?
Kizbawi: I am highly insulted by your bad manners. I will have you know that I purchased the best education money can buy - we Palestinians spare no expense when it comes to education!
Shmattes: Didn't you just say you were Egyptian? But never mind that - tell me, where did you actually study?
Kizbawi: I received my degree from the London School of Economics. It was highly recommended by Saif Al-Islam, Ghaddafi's son.
Shmattes: Did you also "donate" 1.5 million dollars to your professor...?
Kizbawi: Actually, he demanded 3 million dollars. We settled for 2.5 million. It is true what they say: education is very expensive these days!
Shmattes: No doubt you did not write your thesis either, did you?
Kizbawi: Who has time for such things? I mean, after all, did you build the house you live in? Did you grow the food you eat or make the clothes you are wearing? Of course not! You would rightly say that it is a waste of time. A thesis takes many years to complete - you are not seriously suggesting that I waste who knows how many years of my life writing a stupid paper for a stupid university when I can have someone do it for me in a month or two? The university gave me an excellent ghostwriter, by the way, so that wasn't a problem.
Shmattes: But didn't you say that the Palestinians cherish learning?
Kizbawi: I did and it is true. After all, the Palestinian people invested 2.5 million dollars in my education - which is probably much more than you invested in your own education.
Shmattes: You know, the phrase "to purchase an education" is not meant literally.You are supposed to actually study and learn and gain knowledge. Personally, I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
Kizbawi: You are being absurd. I would be ashamed if I hadn't taken the opportunity to get out of the rat hole that is Egypt and make an excellent living writing history for my people. So, while you were wasting your time being ridiculously serious about writing a thesis that no one will ever read or care about, I already published numerous articles and a book, and I am considered an expert - a very well-paid expert, I might add - in Palestinian history.
Shmattes: Which is entirely fake.
Kizbawi: Well, isn't all  history fake? And if that's the case, it might as well be Palestinian history.
Shmattes: And someone has to write it.
Kizbawi: Exactly.

I wish I was kidding, but Palestinian depravity really knows no bounds. If you are interested in learning more about the numerous ways in which the Palestinians are trying to rewrite history, and you are interested or amused by badly written fiction, check out this review by the Palestinian Media Watch. 
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