Sunday, November 6, 2011

NFL Bans Tackling Due to Player Safety Concerns

ISL - New York, 6 November, 2011 - The Divine Emperor and Prime Mover, the All Knowing and All Powerful King of Kings of the NFL, the Omnipotent Finer of Fines and Maker of Rules, His Glory and Eternal Sunshine, Mr. Roger Goodell announced yesterday a new decree upon the NFL and its adherents. The decree, known officially only as NFL Bull MMMDCCLXXIV, forbids tackling any player on the field. Sacking the quarterback has  been officially banned and  returns of any kind are forbidden. Special teams plays will be decided solely by the kickers, who will kick the ball as far as they can. In case of a touch-back the ball will be placed on the 20 yard line and in any other case the ball will be placed wherever it finished rolling.
His Highness, Roger Goodell The Infallible, explained that tackling may result in injury, and injuries tarnish the image of the entire sport: "We want a clean, fair game, a game that has no violence or brutality, a game that embodies the spirit of love and kindness that is the essence of the NFL and the entire great nation that is America," said His Impeccabillity, Goodell the Magnifiicent.

Several star defensive players have questioned the new rules. Brian Urlacher of the Chicago Bears said that traditionally, tackling has been the primary means of preventing the advance of the offensive player. "Its removal from the game will have an immense impact on the way it is played," Urlacher remarked, although he stopped short of questioning the supreme wisdom of the NFL Czar, "I have implicit trust in our Saviour, the Great Pigskin, Roger Goodell," Urlacher said, perhaps wary of being summoned to questioning by NFL authorities - as happened recently to Ndamukong Suh, the star defensive tackle of the Detroit Lions. Following an anonymous tip by sensitive Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, Suh was arrested by  league officials and accused of displaying severe disrespect to the quarterback position. Suh exited a one hour "interview" with the Goodell Himself in a mellow and contrite mood, "His Goodellness explained to me that I have hurt the feelings of many quarterbacks in the league and that it was wrong of me to do so. I apologized and promised to be nicer in the future", said Suh.

The new rules promise to be as confusing as the old ones. Written in the same secret code in which the entire Book of NFL Rules is written, only a handful of officials are expected to actually understand what the rules of the game are and even they are not expected to reach an agreement regarding their interpretation. We asked former Vice President of Officiating, Mike Ferrari, to explain the effect of the new rules on the game and its adherents: "Well, the question is where was the ball when the runner was stopped," Mike replied. "In other words, did the ball cross the plane or didn't it? From one point of view it appears that the tip of the ball is touching the outermost reaches of the edge of the goal line, but from a different point of view one can clearly see San Diego on a sunny day. So it all comes down to what mood the head official is in. Judging by his terse speech and abrupt movements, Mike Carey seems to be suffering from a severe case of constipation and therefore I expect a harsh, unfavorable interpretation to the rules in this situation, meaning that he will probably rule a personal foul "roughing the ball carrier" on the defensive player, who forgot that tackling is forbidden. Therefore, as a result of illegal tackling, the ball was fumbled at the goal line resulting in a touch-back or safety, as the case may be. At least that how I expect the ruling on the field to be considering the crew, the national deficit, and the fact that Jupiter is in the house of Mars."

Yes, this is more or less the present state of officiating in the NFL, and we can only expect it to get worse. Judging by the current changes that are aimed at cancelling the return game (who else is sick of this parade of touch-backs), sacks, and any semblance of pass-defense, what is satire today will probably become reality tomorrow. 
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