Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Shana Tova

The Jewish new year is upon us so I would like to take the opportunity to wish my readers a happy new year. May you and yours enjoy a year of health and bounty, spiritual as well as material.

I would also like to share with you a few things I learned this year:

1 - There exists a surprisingly large number of people that believe that genocide is a favorable solution to political problems, as long as these problems involve Jews. In the West these people are called "liberals". I guess that's because they want to liberate the world from Jews. In the Middle-East we just call them "Arab-Muslims".

2 - Bibi Netanyahu can give one hell of a speech, but he is still a wimp and he is married to Sarah, a perfect combination of wickedness and stupidity.

3a - Being Jewish means being a symbol - a symbol of God's existence and a symbol of God's morality. The establishment and existence of Israel, which is quite a miracle,  is a symbol of divine intervention in our world. Every Jew is such a symbol, whether he want's it or not, whether he acknowledges it or not.

3b- The world is divided into those that acknowledge God's existence and morality and those that oppose it. These two forces are embodied by the Jewish culture that embraces life, and Palestinian-Arab-Muslim culture that embraces death.

4- These simple truths are terrible to acknowledge. I know it took me many, many years to admit this.

5 - Making jokes about death and laughing about the precarious position of Jews in the world is an age-old Jewish tradition. Here a few examples taken from the "Great Book of Jewish Humor", edited by Prof. Adir Cohen. It's in Hebrew but highly recommended if you speak the language or know someone who does. You can buy it In Israel at this link.

- A woman is grieving for her lost little one. "Yossel'eh," she cries out in pain and sorrow. "When you go to heaven, be an emissary for us and pray for all of us down here."
Her husband heard this and said: "On such an important mission you send a little boy? Why don't you go there yourself...?"

- An old woodsman was carrying on his shoulder a large bundle of firewood when suddenly the heavy burden overcame him and he collapsed to the ground in a daze. Immediately he began crying out for the angel of death: "Oh Death, I beg of you to please come quickly and release me from this terrible life."
No sooner had he finished his wish and the Angel of Death was right there by his side. "Did you call for me?" said the Angel with a terrible grin.
Awestruck and terribly frightened, the old man began to stammer: "Ummm, errr, ehhhh, see, perhaps in your kindness, you can help me lift this bundle of wood and put it on my back?"

The book also has an entire, large section devoted to jokes about Nazi Germany:

- A Nazi inspector is making his rounds in a school in Germany and he asks one of the children: "Who is your father?"
"Adolf Hitler," the boy dutifully answers.
"And who is your mother?" the inspector asks
"Nazi Germany"
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?
"An orphan!"

- A Nazi woman enters a  butcher shop in Berlin. She looks around suspiciously and then asks: "Is this a pure, German, butcher shop or a filthy Jewish one?"
"My dear lady," said the butcher, "How can you even think of such a thing? Of course this is a pure, German butcher shop - only pigs come to buy here!"

- Three Brownshirts waited for Mr. Zilberstien to close his shop and then they jumped him, beat him with great vigor, and humiliated him. After they were finished they asked the poor man: "So, who was responsible for Germany's defeat in World War I?"
"The Jews and the popcorn-sellers," the poor man replied.
"What do the popcorn-sellers have to do with it?" the Brownshirts asked.
"Well, what do the Jews have to do with it?" was the reply.

-Hitler had a chance to send a direct request to God. He wrote: "Dear God, please turn every German into a wise, honest Nazi.
After several days the reply came: "Your request cannot be granted for the following reasons: An honest, German Nazi  cannot be wise; a wise, Nazi German cannot be honest; and a wise and honest German cannot be a Nazi."

Sadly, this joke can apply perfectly well today, with a slight change of names. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose...

I didn't have the time this year to write a special post for the holiday, but if you haven't read it yet, and Jewish mothers being what they are - a constant thorn (and occasional source of comfort) in our lives - then you may enjoy reading this holiday post. It was written about the Passover trauma, but I think it applies equally well to Rosh Hashana and basically, any large, dysfunctional family gathering.

Finally, once again, to all the wise and honest people: happy new year and thanks for reading!
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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Illegal Dog Feces Found in Petah Tikva; Police Say Arrest Imminent

ISL - September 21, Petah Tikvah - Two fresh, medium-sized pieces of abandoned dog feces were discovered yesterday evening by a Petah Tikvah citizen on a sidewalk on Herzl Avenue. Avi Cohen, a 55 year-old dentist and his wife Clara, a teacher, were out taking a walk in their neighborhood when Clara felt that dreaded, sinking sensation. When she looked down she observed that she had, indeed, "stepped in it".  "Of course," said Clara, "There was no question of continuing our walk. Our entire evening stroll was irrevocably ruined."

No doubt, in time the Cohen's will recover from their trauma and perhaps, eventually, they will be able to resume their normal routine and once again go out on their evening strolls. But the question asked by Petah Tikvah residents everywhere today is: who is responsible for this new case of  "felonious feces"- the second in as many weeks -  and what are the local security forces doing about it?

A spokesman for the Petah Tikvah Police Special Shit Squad (motto: "no shit!") said that a team of expert canine detectives have been assigned to the case after initial feces DNA testing has turned up negative. "There is a rogue dog-owner out there who is shitting on the city of Petah Tikvah," said the spokesman. "The Special Shit Squad will not rest until this piece of human crap is arrested and put behind bars." The spokesman also said that undercover detectives and regular police have been instructed to increase their vigilance in the afflicted areas, and the residents have been advised to be on the alert for illegal feces.  "The best advice that I can give right now to the harrowed residents of Petah Tikvah is not to go out after dark and to walk with extreme caution."

Is dog shit really such a big problem in Petah Tikva that they have to create a canine DNA data bank? Doesn't anyone think that's just a bit extreme? On the other hand, I'm glad that despite the eternally strenuous"matzav", people still have time for shit like this. Really. 
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Monday, September 19, 2011

Elves Accused of Human Rights Violations in Skirmish with Orcs

(If the LOTR were translated into the Palestinian version of reality):

Minas Tirith, January 30, 3018 - New Gondor Times - The Human Rights Watchers, a Gondor-based, international NGO that monitors human rights in Middle Earth, has accused the Elves of Lothlórien of violating the human rights of Orcs in a border skirmish that occurred between the two peoples ten days ago. Orc survivors interviewed by the commission said that a large company of Elves ambushed their group, killing hundreds of defenseless Orcs, including unarmed Orc women and children.
"It was a horrific massacre", said Briznaksh, one of the survivors. "We were out on a picnic, trying to get a breath of fresh air and a change of atmosphere from the dark, stuffy caves of the Misty Mountains, where we are forced to live after the Elves took from us our beautiful Lothlórien," Briznaksh said with tears in his eyes. "Everybody was having a great time and we were just about to return home when the Elves waylaid us. Arrows were flying everywhere and  Orcs were screaming and then they came with their long knifes."

According to witnesses, the Elves slayed entire families and mutilated the corpses, cutting off the ears and noses of the victims, some of whom were still alive. "Children and women were raped mercilessly and repeatedly by the Elves," said Briznaksh, who watched the entire grisly scene from his hiding place two hundred feet below ground, in the 51st level of Moria, paralyzed with fear.
As is well-known, Orcs have been living in terror from the Elves ever since the High Elves conquered beautiful Lothlórien and expelled them, turning hundreds of thousand of Orcs into miserable refugees hiding in dark caves, fearful of the light of day.

Elbeth Danorell, spokesman for Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn, the leaders of occupied Lothlórien, denied  the charges and claimed that the Orcs crossed the border into Elvish territory heavily armed and were repelled. However, Drabnor Jardosh the national director of the Human Rights Watchers, said that the commission received  reports from numerous Orc eyewitnesses, detailing the atrocities committed by the Elves and that it is now considering filing a formal complaint to the Human Rights Commission of the United People of Middle Earth. The commission is currently chaired by the representative of Mordor, the Lord of the Nazgûl and former witch-king of Angmar, and it is composed of goblins, orcs, and trolls.
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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Wikileaks: NIF department head says "Holocaust No Tragedy"

ISL - Tel Aviv, Septmeber 2011 - In a confidential discussion with the American  ambassador,  head of the Next Six Million Project at the No Israel Fund (NIF), Sarah Reichman, said that the Jewish people "Over-reacted to the Holocaust" adding that "In another hundred years the Jews will come to realize that the Holocaust was no big deal; it wasn't the tragedy they though it was." These words, revealed  in a US State Department cable, have caused an uproar in Israel, where many people still hold the unpopular belief that the systematic murder of six million Jews is, actually, quite the big deal.
Current director of the No Israel Fund, Hannah Strassburg, clarified that the NIF completely disassociates itself from these remarks, stating that Reichman is no longer employed by the NIF and has moved on to work directly with the Hamas. She also emphasized that in her opinion the Holocaust is definitely a tragedy: "There is no doubt in my mind that the Holocaust is a tragedy," said the Director. "About three hundred thousand Jews survived due to negligence and sloppiness on the part of Hitler's regime, and many of them ended up in Israel, which is a tragedy in and of itself." Strassburg said that she hopes to avoid Hitler's mistakes by taking a slower but more thorough approach to the issue, "Hopefully, a hundred years from now, we will live in a better world, in which the terrible mistakes of the Holocaust will have been corrected."

Kidding aside, these people are really putting their money where their hatred  is.
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Monday, September 12, 2011

Sweden to Invest Millions in Combating Western Extremism

ISL - Stockholm, September 11, 2011 - Ten years after the dreadful attack on the United States, Sweden has learnt its lesson: "We will never forget that terrible day," said Swedish Prime Minister, Fredrik Reinfeldt, at a poignant tribute to the 19 Muslim hijackers who were killed on that memorable day. "It is a lesson for all European countries that we must commit ourselves to combat the extremists within us."
To that end, the Swedish government has allocated fifty million dollars to a new program that will combat Western extremism in Sweden by educating the Swedish population about the benefits of living in an Islamic country ruled by Sharia. "The program is modeled on the sort of peaceful coexistence that has been achieved at Malmo," said Prime Minister Farid Reinfeldt, who hopes to oversee an uneventful transference of power to the handful of insanely violent Islamic Jihadis who have immigrated to the country and are unwilling to compromise on their ideal of reverting the entire world back to the Dark Ages. "Coexistence and tolerance of the 'Other' are not always easy," the Swedish Emir admitted, "and the price may seem high to some people, but the alternative would be to forgo our principles of tolerance and mutli-culturalism and actually fight for the survival of our nation and its people, and really, who has the strength to do that? National suicide is easier and we will do our best to make it painless," promised Farid Ranya, the Swedish Emir.
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ISL Film Review: Mutiny on the Mavi Marmara

ISL - Istanbullywood- Mutiny on the Mavi Marmara is a new, uplifting moral drama, directed by well-known impressario, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, author of the previous smash hits:  Don't Cry For Me Kurdistan, Invasion of the Island Snatchers, and Where Oh Where Did All the Armenians Go? This new production tells the story of 35 courageous international activists, who are trying to smuggle supplies to a genocidal regime that lacks nothing except advanced weaponry with which to implement its murderous plans. In a revolt against all human decency and any sense of morality, the activists masquerade as innocent passengers. Suspense builds as army forces try to peacefully board the suspicious ship only to be treacherously attacked by the passengers, who thus complete their mutiny against Western values, mankind, and God.  New York Times critic, Edgar Pennington, called the movie "a beautiful vision of a better, simpler world, untroubled by morality". Coming soon to a terrorist base near you.

See also a previous post about Turkey's moronic PM, and Dry Bones also has something to say about this matter.
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Friday, September 9, 2011

"The Joy of Lying" - New Book Explains Pathological Lying in Palestinian Society

Following another complete and utter destruction of false Palestinian claims concerning, this time, Israel's responsibility for the lack of water in the Palestinian Authority, our attention has been directed once again to the amazing phenomenon of lying in Palestine society. Many civilized  people  have wondered at the Palestinian talent for telling the most outrageous lies with a completely straight face, but until now no convincing explanation has been forthcoming for this extraordinary phenomenon. But now, others in Palestinan society are beginning to awaken to this problem, and finally some answers may be provided. ISL spoke to a pioneer in the field of lying research, Dr. Faisal Tamimi, author of the book "The Joy of Lying: Why Palestinians Lie From the Cradle to the Grave":

ISL: First, thank you for agreeing to talk to us, despite all the tensions and violence.
Dr. Tamimi: You are welcome. I always was a big believer in peace with the Jews.
ISL: Really?
Dr. Tamimi: Of course not. Do you think I want to get myself killed?
ISL: I get it - you were lying!
Dr. Tamimi: Exactly! The first principle in dealing with Palestinians is to assume that we are lying.
ISL: I'm sorry, but aren't you being a bit too hard on your own people? Surely some people say the truth some of the time?
Dr. Tamimi: In my research, I have discovered that this is not so. We lie all the time.
ISL: But why? And how can a society possibly conduct itself in this manner?
Dr. Tamimi: Have you heard of the story of The Boy Who Tried to Tell the Truth?
ISL: No, never heard of such a thing.
Dr. Tamimi: This is a well-known Palestinian fable. Every child grows up on it. Basically, it is the story of Ahmad, a poor boy who lived in a village near Jerusalem. One day, he said to his mother "Mother, I do not want to kill Jews. I do not want to kill anybody." His mother cried and beat her chest and tore her hair, because she is a good Palestinian. She gave Ahmad a terrible beating, and then she locked him in a cupboard for three days without food or water.
ISL: Dear me! Isn't that a little harsh? After all, he was a small child.
Dr. Tamimi: Yes, but life is hard and the sooner children learn this lesson the better. Anyway, after three days his father released him, but Ahmad was a very stubborn child and he still  insisted that he would not kill anybody, not for his religion, or his people, or even his family. This was a terrible insult of course, so his father did the only thing possible.
ISL: He talked to his son and tried to understand his point of view?
Dr. Tamimi: No, he sodomized him. Of course, this was for the child's own benefit.
ISL: Of course...
Dr. Tamimi: But this Ahmad was a perverse boy, a spawn of the devil. Iblis himself mated with a hoary Jewish witch to produce this vile mutation. So, even though he had been beaten and and starved and sodomized repeatedly - he still refused to say that he would kill other people. Finally, his parents had no choice. They strapped an explosive belt on him and dropped him off at the Shoefat checkpoint. When he was approached by Israeli soldiers, his father blew him up, and two Israeli soldiers were killed. So as you can see, the story has a happy ending.
ISL: But that's terrible. What kind of parent kills his own child?
Dr. Tamimi: My friend, you are missing the point.
ISL: Which is...
Dr. Tamimi: That the Western custom of telling the truth is not acceptable to us.
ISL: No, seriously, when you talk to one another, how do you know when you are telling the truth?
Dr. Tamimi: Who knows what is the truth?
ISL: The truth is the exact opposite of a lie. I don't understand...
Dr. Tamimi: There, you said it yourself!
ISL: I did?
Dr. Tamimi: Yes! truth and lies are the opposite, and everyone knows that opposites are actually the same. So, there is really no difference between telling the truth and lying.We reject this false Western dichotomy. Every truth is a lie, and every lie is the truth.
ISL: But, if that is true, then how do I know if even what you are saying right now is the truth?
Dr. Tamimi: Are you deaf? Of course it isn't the truth.
ISL: So you were lying?
Dr. Tamimi: Allah! Were you even listening to what I have been saying? God, you Jews are stupid! Forget about  truth and lies. There is no such thing.
ISL: There isn't?
Dr. Tamimi: There isn't.
ISL: But..but..but...
Dr. Tamimi: But what?
ISL: But, how do you know what to believe in, how do you form an opinion, how do you conduct scientific research, how do you know who to love and marry? For all these things you have to know the truth - the truth about nature, about your feelings, about how others feel and think.
Dr. Tamimi: We live a simpler life. Marriages are arranged - what does love have to do with it? We don't do scientific research so that's not a problem, and for the rest, when your very life and your livelihood depends on what to think and what to say, what does the truth matter?
ISL: So you just say what you are expected to say; believe in what everyone else believes in?
Dr. Tamimi: If you want to live and perhaps thrive, then yes, that's what you do. The truth, as you call it, is a function of power, of the will to kill.
ISL: That's terrible. How can you live like that, in such an atmosphere of fear and terror?
Dr. Tamimi: Actually, it really is terrible. That is why I live in the United States and not in Palestine.
ISL: Seriously? If so, then how did you conduct the research for your book?
Dr. Tamimi: I didn't. I made it all up.
ISL: You did?
Dr. Tamimi: Of course. What did you expect? I am a Palestinian...
ISL: (Whimpers helplessly)

Yes, this is what we are dealing with. This never was a "War against Terror", which is a terrible idea anyway (can you imagine Reagan declaring a "War against Spies" to end the Cold War? We would all be slaving away in dirt-poor communes by now) -  it is a War for Truth.

The Israeli philosopher of science Zeev Bechler calls this post-modern phenomenon "Brutalism", meaning that when the moral power of truth is abolished, brute force carries the day (English synopsis of his amazing book is offered by the author here and a shorter review is here). And guess who has no qualms and no moral inhibitions whatsoever about using brute force to achieve their goals? Liberals, leftists, and Islamists. 
As a small nation, we will never be able to coerce the world into siding with us. The only thing that we can do is to tell the truth over and over and over again and become, at at the very least, a rallying point for a moral majority, a beacon of light in the world's darkness. That is our role. Always has been, perhaps it always will be.

Shabbat Shalom!

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Thursday, September 8, 2011

Crisis Looms in Middle East as Erdogan Refuses to Pick Up Room

ISL - Istanbul, September 12, 2011 - In another grave international incident, Prime Minister of Turkey, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, refused yesterday evening to pick up his room. This follows several previous "accidents" in which Erdogan peed in his bed, although the plastic sheets had been removed days ago and he had promised to get up whenever he felt  like doing number 1. Erdogan's nannies, US President Barak Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu expressed their dismay and utter disappointment with the Turkish prime minister. Netanyahu said: "I thought we were already over this stage and headed towards a more mature level of behavior. I love the Turkish people but I am very disappointed with Erdogan."
In a phone consultation conducted last night, Obama and Bibbi decided to send Erdogan to sleep early without reading him  his usual bed time story. "Bed times stories are for good prime ministers, not for bad boys," Obama explained.

This is what happens when you give guns, missiles, and fighter planes to five year old children dressed in Armani suits.
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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

California to Outlaw Dogs Chasing Cats

ISL - Sacramento -  24 April, 2015 - The California legislature is moving to pass a bill that will outlaw dogs chasing cats. The bill is a first step in what many hope will be an end to hundreds of years of needless strife between cats and dogs. Rep. Franklin Omgido (Dem.), who graduated summa cum laude from San Fernando Elementary School and also holds a degree in Advanced Surfing, said that the bill contains provisions for psychological counseling for dogs aimed at convincing them that their  hostile attitude to cats is unreasonable, undemocratic, and non-inclusive. "Cats have been chased by dogs for hundreds, perhaps even thousand of years.This madness has to stop!" Rep. Omgido said to an enthusiastic crowd of thousands of cats and a smaller contingent of pacifist dogs, mostly poodles and chihuahuas. The bill, which will cost taxpayers five hundred million dollars over the next ten years, calls for training thousands of animal psychologists and mediators and setting up hundreds of  24 hour Crisis and Counseling Centers for beleaguered cats and embattled dogs throughout the state.  Proponents of the bill claim that it will create hundreds of new jobs and will invigorate the economy, but opponents argue that the people of California would be better served by trying to restore electricity to the state, which was cut off due to lack of maintenance and a five trillion dollar debt two years ago.

It seems that California is doing its best to promote Idiocracy in the United States. The legislature already has trouble with math and morals, and now they are going after the babysitters!? Mickey Mouse and Pluto could do a better job than this...Israel is not an easy place to live in, but at least the inmates aren't running the asylum, yet...
Hat tip to Ace of Spades, which has a few more pieces of such legislation here.
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Sunday, September 4, 2011

Sources in Rohan: Aragorn Return May Harm Peace Talks Between Gondor and Mordor

Edoras, February 13, 3018 -  Unnamed sources in Edoras, where the third round of peace talks between Gondor and Mordor are being held, disclosed yesterday that rumors of the return of the King of Gondor have had an unsettling effect on the discussions. "The return of the king threatens the stability of the current regime and makes it less likely to achieve an agreement, since the representatives of Mordor fear that a different regime may not honor previous agreements," sources said.
Another concern raised in political circles in Rohan was the possibility that the return of the king may fan the flames of nationalist sentiment among the Gondor populace and renew their hopes of victory. "A change in public opinion will almost certainly prevent the peaceful disengagement of Gondor troops from Ithilien," sources close to the peace talks said, emphasizing that this matter had already been considered by many "a done deal".

"Peace or Else", a Gondor-based NGO that advocates a peaceful resolution to the conflict with Mordor, issued a statement saying that "Gondor does not need a war-mongering king.  If the king really cares about Gondor then he should stay in the North and let the talks reach their peaceful conclusion."
The peace talks were initiated and are being held under the auspices of Grima Wormtongue, chief counselor to Theoden, King of Rohan.
Aragorn, the supposed heir of Elendil, was unavailable for comment.

I was re-reading the LOTR lately, and I wondered how the War of the Ring would have looked like if Gondor had to deal with all the post-modern, liberal crap that Israel and the West have to deal with today. This is my first attempt at describing such a world, and the implications seem quite grim.

I admit that I truly long for the days when most people knew the difference between right and wrong and were not afraid to say it and stand for it. But then again, maybe there never were such days; maybe they always existed only in fairy tales.
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