Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Shalit Family Flees Israel Ahead of Upcoming Wave of Terrorism

ISL - Jeruslaem, 19 October, 2011 - Citing safety concerns, the Shalit family, noted for starring in the Gilad Shalit Reality Show for the past five years, has announced its intention to leave Israel  in the immediate future and settle in what they termed "a less hazardous country".
 A spokesman for the family confronted reporters in Tel Aviv today and explained that the release of  hundreds of known and experienced murderers has made Israel an exceptionally unsafe place to live in: "Although the Shalit family appreciates the gesture made by the Israeli government, the release of so many hardened terrorists makes living in Israel an extremely frightening prospect. The Shalit family has already suffered enough and does not wish to lose a family member in a bus bombing or perhaps have Gilad Shalit maimed for life by a terrorist attack," the spokesman explained. "That said, the Shalit family wishes the people of Israel the best of luck and has already created a website for devoted fans of the Gilad Shalit Reality Show, who will be able to enjoy reruns of the show at www.happytodieforgilad.com"

Sigh. If life was fair, the people that campaigned for his release, and especially the media personnel, would volunteer to be killed and maimed in the inevitable terror attacks. As it is, we will just have to wait and see who draws the short stick in this sick, Israeli version of Russian roulette. 


A century ago, Joseph Trumpeldor famously said:  "Never mind, it is good to die for our country."
Today we can shamefully say: "Never mind, it is good to die for Gilad Shalit."


The magnitude of this inversion of values is astounding, isn't it?





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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

As Gilad Shalit Reality Show Nears End, Israel Prepares for Next Kidnapping, Murders

ISL - Jerusalem, 18 October, 2011 - After an extremely successful five year run, the Gilad Shalit Reality Show will reach its conclusion in the coming days. The popular reality show saw thousands of people marching for Gilad, signing petitions, and begging for his release, while hundreds of thousands more watched the unfolding drama on their TV sets every evening. Director of the show, Marvin Hammersfield, said that ratings were consistently high and that the show would have continued except for fatigue experienced by the family: "Every reality show has to end sometime," said the director. "We thank the Shalit family and the Israeli public for participating and following the show for all these years."
Fans of the popular reality show have reluctantly accepted the fact that their favorite series is concluding. For instance, in a televised interview, Aviva Cohen from Ramat Gan, said: "This is very sad. I loved Gilad and the show; life just won't be the same without him." In a poll released yesterday, 76% of Israelis said that they would like to see Shalit star in a new show: "He's a great actor and an outstanding person and he has natural charisma," said Yaron Sneh from Haifa, " I think he can be the next Leor Miller." Many thousands are expected to welcome Gilad Shalit home in the final episode of the show, which will air this evening.

In an interesting twist, the producers of the show, which include Israel's leading media conglomerates, have managed to stage a so-called prisoner swap, in which Gilad Shalit will be exchanged for a thousand prisoners, including hundreds of murderers. Critics have blasted the finale as being ridiculously artificial even for a reality show. "There are limits to what the Israeli public will believe and accept," said TV critic Moshe Yahalom, "Even Israelis would not believe that the government would make such a stupid decision." However, the production company defended the decision, saying that the Israeli public has accepted and embraced even more patently false reality shows such as the Oslo Accords, The Disengagement, The Rabin Assassination and more. "There is no reason not to assume that the public will not accept and even enjoy the prisoner swap," said producer Marvin Hammersfield. "With any kind of luck, some or even many of the prisoners will resume their activities - perhaps we will have another kidnapping, or a series of bus bombings like in the nineties."
"Israelis love a good bombing campaign," concluded the producer optimistically. "Nothing gets ratings like a good suicide-bombing campaign and the inevitable funerals, soul-searching, and mutual recriminations that follow them."

Amusing Ourselves to Death indeed.  Personally, I wish to have no part in this sick drama. I am an old-fashioned kind of guy: I can face reality without the help of a production company that spends most of its time explaining to the Israeli public why it has to die.
Anyway, I wish everyone a Happy Gilad Shalit Day, and may you and your loved ones never pay the bloody  price for this frivolous act of self-indulgence.
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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Palestinian Archaeologist Says King David was Muslim

Dr, Basam Kizbawi, a Palestinian archaeologist, historian, and pokemon collector from Bir Zeit University in the West Bank caused a sensation yesterday after publishing an article that claimed, among other things, that King David was a Muslim. Intrepid ISL reporter, Joel Shmattes, risked life and limb to interview the new rising star of Palestinian academia:

Shmattes: First, perhaps you can tell our readers about your background.
Kizbawi: Certainly. I was born in Egypt, the eldest brother in a family of four and...
Shmattes: But you are Palestinian, of course.
Kizbawi: Of course, every Muslim is a Palestenian, and every Palestenian is a Muslim.
Shmattes: I mean,  your parents or grandparents were exiled from Palestine and you were forced to live in a refugee camp in Egypt.
Kizbawi: Not at all - my family is Egyptian.
Shmattes: Then why have you moved to Ramallah and taken up the Palestinian cause?
Kizbawi:  I always wanted to study history and I then received a grant from the Palestinian Authority. As everyone knows, nothing is more important for the Palestinian people than education. After all, the first university in the world was established by King David, the Palestinian King of Jerusalem, over three thousand years ago. He built a great mosque and many academies for the arts and sciences on the Holy Temple Mount of Palestinian Education. Of course,  it was almost completely destroyed in the year 845 BC, when the Jewish king of Babylon, Yossi Sennacherib overcame the Palestinian army, led by Muhammad LionHeart. All that remained is one wall, known to all Palestinans as "The Wall of Knowledge". Of course, the lying Jews stole from us our Wall and made it their own. Due to their effective propaganda machine and complete control of the media for the past 2500 years, it is now known as "the Wailing Wall". But hopefully, as more studies like mine come to light, we will be able to recover our heritage, and we will be able to set the record straight. In any case, all the knowledge that the Palestinians gave the world was then lost and the world slid into many centuries of barbarism. But fortunately, the Palestinians never gave up their mission to improve the world through learning. That is why great Palestinian thinkers, such as Ahmad el-Plato and Abu-Aristotle, who lived in exile in Greece, wrote many excellent philosophy books that are studied and cherished to this day by the entire world.
Shmattes: I must say that I am astounded.
Kizbawi: I know -  you are amazed because this is the first time you are hearing about the true, great history of the Palestinian people.
Shmattes: No, I am amazed because this is the first time I am hearing such an outrageous pile of crap in my entire life. Where the hell did you study this so-called history?
Kizbawi: I am highly insulted by your bad manners. I will have you know that I purchased the best education money can buy - we Palestinians spare no expense when it comes to education!
Shmattes: Didn't you just say you were Egyptian? But never mind that - tell me, where did you actually study?
Kizbawi: I received my degree from the London School of Economics. It was highly recommended by Saif Al-Islam, Ghaddafi's son.
Shmattes: Did you also "donate" 1.5 million dollars to your professor...?
Kizbawi: Actually, he demanded 3 million dollars. We settled for 2.5 million. It is true what they say: education is very expensive these days!
Shmattes: No doubt you did not write your thesis either, did you?
Kizbawi: Who has time for such things? I mean, after all, did you build the house you live in? Did you grow the food you eat or make the clothes you are wearing? Of course not! You would rightly say that it is a waste of time. A thesis takes many years to complete - you are not seriously suggesting that I waste who knows how many years of my life writing a stupid paper for a stupid university when I can have someone do it for me in a month or two? The university gave me an excellent ghostwriter, by the way, so that wasn't a problem.
Shmattes: But didn't you say that the Palestinians cherish learning?
Kizbawi: I did and it is true. After all, the Palestinian people invested 2.5 million dollars in my education - which is probably much more than you invested in your own education.
Shmattes: You know, the phrase "to purchase an education" is not meant literally.You are supposed to actually study and learn and gain knowledge. Personally, I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
Kizbawi: You are being absurd. I would be ashamed if I hadn't taken the opportunity to get out of the rat hole that is Egypt and make an excellent living writing history for my people. So, while you were wasting your time being ridiculously serious about writing a thesis that no one will ever read or care about, I already published numerous articles and a book, and I am considered an expert - a very well-paid expert, I might add - in Palestinian history.
Shmattes: Which is entirely fake.
Kizbawi: Well, isn't all  history fake? And if that's the case, it might as well be Palestinian history.
Shmattes: And someone has to write it.
Kizbawi: Exactly.

I wish I was kidding, but Palestinian depravity really knows no bounds. If you are interested in learning more about the numerous ways in which the Palestinians are trying to rewrite history, and you are interested or amused by badly written fiction, check out this review by the Palestinian Media Watch. 
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