Thursday, August 21, 2014

Israel Admits: We Protected Jewish Civilians; Vows to Correct Policy

ISL - Jerusalem, 21 August, 2014 - In a stunning turn of events, the Israeli government has now accepted responsibility for the lack of Jewish civilian deaths in the recent conflict and for the extreme disproportion in the number of civilians killed on both sides of the current conflict in Gaza. PM Netanyahu said to reporters in Jerusalem : "We now realize that defending Jews while trying to defeat our enemies has resulted in a grave injustice, which has rightly been condemned by the international community. In order to correct the situation, the government has decided to institute a daily death lottery. Every day, until the war is over, the names of one hundred Israeli citizens will be drawn from a nation-wide pool and they will be subsequently executed."
Netanyahu clarified that the exact manner of execution has not yet been determined, "The exact details are unimportant, "said the PM. "What matters is that the government will now fulfill its international obligations. If we had started this policy from the beginning of the war, we could have had over 3000 dead Jewish citizens already, and we would have been far ahead of the game, in terms of public opinion."

Reactions to this new policy were mixed. A statement issued by the United Nations Commission on Human Rights, which had harshly condemned the Israeli policy of defending Jews,  said that "The implementation of the United Nations Human Rights Norms for Jews is a positive step and may lead to acceptance of Israel into the international community, if the liquidation program is really implemented and enough Jews are killed." Sources within the Commission were willing to state, off the record, that the target number is six million Jews, and when that benchmark is achieved the Commission would revise its opinion of the Jewish state and accept Israel into the family of nations.
British PM, David Cameron was far more positive in his assessment of the new policy. Cameron praised the Israeli government for accepting the International Human Rights Norms for Jews and promised to resume arms shipments to Israel, "As long as they will be used to kill Jews". Netanyahu cited the British PM's statement as proof that the new policy is working to alleviate Israel's isolation and declared that "The best is yet to come."
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