Thursday, August 21, 2014

Israel Admits: We Protected Jewish Civilians; Vows to Correct Policy

ISL - Jerusalem, 21 August, 2014 - In a stunning turn of events, the Israeli government has now accepted responsibility for the lack of Jewish civilian deaths in the recent conflict and for the extreme disproportion in the number of civilians killed on both sides of the current conflict in Gaza. PM Netanyahu said to reporters in Jerusalem : "We now realize that defending Jews while trying to defeat our enemies has resulted in a grave injustice, which has rightly been condemned by the international community. In order to correct the situation, the government has decided to institute a daily death lottery. Every day, until the war is over, the names of one hundred Israeli citizens will be drawn from a nation-wide pool and they will be subsequently executed."
Netanyahu clarified that the exact manner of execution has not yet been determined, "The exact details are unimportant, "said the PM. "What matters is that the government will now fulfill its international obligations. If we had started this policy from the beginning of the war, we could have had over 3000 dead Jewish citizens already, and we would have been far ahead of the game, in terms of public opinion."

Reactions to this new policy were mixed. A statement issued by the United Nations Commission on Human Rights, which had harshly condemned the Israeli policy of defending Jews,  said that "The implementation of the United Nations Human Rights Norms for Jews is a positive step and may lead to acceptance of Israel into the international community, if the liquidation program is really implemented and enough Jews are killed." Sources within the Commission were willing to state, off the record, that the target number is six million Jews, and when that benchmark is achieved the Commission would revise its opinion of the Jewish state and accept Israel into the family of nations.
British PM, David Cameron was far more positive in his assessment of the new policy. Cameron praised the Israeli government for accepting the International Human Rights Norms for Jews and promised to resume arms shipments to Israel, "As long as they will be used to kill Jews". Netanyahu cited the British PM's statement as proof that the new policy is working to alleviate Israel's isolation and declared that "The best is yet to come."

In Israel, opposition leader Isaac Herzog applauded the new policy and said that his party will support the government, "We have been calling for years to implement this type of policy, and it is most gratifying to see that the government has finally come to its senses." Herzog added that the new policy will provide certainty and stability to the Jews in Israel, "who will now be able to know exactly when they will be killed, instead of waiting to die by the cruel chance of a missile or bomb." 
However Israeli citizens seemed less sanguine. For instance, Shoshanna Meizel, a mother of three from Jerusalem, was puzzled by the decision and said, "I do not understand why we have to kill Jews. Can't we just defeat Hamas?" Others were disappointed to hear that there were no cash prizes. Uzi Cohen, a taxi cab driver from Tel Aviv shrugged off the lottery, "No one will participate in such a lottery; we already have death. The government must offer better prizes."
On the bright side, rabidly anti-Israeli MK Hanan Zuoabi admitted that she can see no flaw in the plan and, citing years of experience, graciously offered assistance, "We will be glad to help the government with the killing of Jewish citizens in any way possible."

Hamas was the only party to unequivocally denounce the new policy. Ahmad Kazab, spokesman for the genocidal terror group, said that "This is just another attempt by the constantly conniving Jews to manipulate the media and it will not work. For every civilian Jew that Israel kills on its own, we will kill five or ten or even hundreds of Palestinians!" The spokesman further vowed that "Hamas will do anything and everything necessary to preserve its moral superiority, even if it means wholesale murder of Palestinians."

***
Yes, this sounds crazy, but this is what the current logic of condemning Israel amounts to. To put it bluntly, for a large part of the international community, especially in Europe, the only good Jew is a dead Jew and the sooner the better. The only question is if and to what extent Israel will oblige these most stubborn anti-Semites.
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