Israeli Satire Laboratory

American Jew Accused of Owning 450 Black Slaves in NBA Plantations Across the Country!

2011-11-12T22:14:00.002+02:00

ISL - 11 November, 2011 - One hundred fifty years after the civil war that tore apart the Union, and fifty years after the civil rights movement erupted across the nation, it appears that black slavery in the United States is far from abolished - on the contrary, it is alive and well in one of America's prominent entertainment venues: the National Basketball Association. This, according to new accusations made by intrepid Black journalist Bryant Grumble, and by attorney Jeffrey Kessler who represents the NBA slaves in their ongoing quest for freedom. Unfortunately, both men did not provide the American public with sufficient details about the conditions of black slavery in the NBA, a task which ISL has taken upon itself.

A quick internet search reveals that the conditions of the black slaves who labor in the NBA are harsher than anyone could have imagined in this day and age. Witness, for instance, the picture below:

This measly mansion has a meager 8 bedrooms and 11 bathrooms, and rests on no more than 20,862 square feet of property, which includes the small, entirely inadequate pool depicted in the picture above. As you may have guessed, this minuscule property, which is barely fit for a dog and valued at no more than 50 million dollars, is the abode of an NBA slave known only as "LeBron James", a ridiculous appellation, given to him no doubt by his evil master and (alleged) father, NBA commissioner David Stern. In addition to being compelled to live in these degrading and shameful conditions a thousand miles from his hometown of Akron, Ohio, LeBron James, like all other NBA slaves, is contractually forced to make baskets, dunks, and assists in the NBA fields, for seven and often eight consecutive months a year.

The video below, shot at great risk by civil rights volunteers, shows LeBron James at work with other slaves. Viewers will note the three white overseers in black pants and grey shirts who control every movement of the slaves with their whistles. Slaves who disobey the Master's rules are immediately punished with a "foul". Six fouls lead to banishment from the NBA fields and more severe and dreaded forms of punishment. For this reason, the fearful slaves do all they can to avoid incurring the displeasure of the white overseers.

Observant viewers may have noticed that "6" is also the number savagely branded on LeBron James shirt. In fact, just like in the Holocaust, every NBA slave has a red-hot number branded on his shirt, so that clearly NBA players are not only slaves, they are also Holocaust survivors, a fact which Jeffrey Kessler should have brought to the attention of the American public.

According to sources, there are about 450 Black slaves and NBA Holocaust survivors who are currently trapped in the horrifying NBA labor camps, with no hope, no friends, and no way out of their cruel existence except to play out their contracts. On average, they last five years in the vicious, debilitating playing fields of the NBA, while being paid no more than an average annual salary of five million dollars. A quick calculation shows that the average NBA Black slave will make no more than 25 million dollars in his short career as a slave. Considering the rising prices of mansions, maids and cable TV, 500 square feet walk-in closets, "Cribs", Bentleys and other luxury cars, as well as "bling-bling", it is no wonder that many of the black slaves in the NBA cannot make ends meet.

To us, it is clear that such base cruelty must be stopped. These atrocities are not being committed in the hell-holes of the Middle East or in powerful China - this is happening right here in our backyard, in the U.S of A. How can any decent, upright American citizen see these flagrant human rights violations and fail to tremble with rage and cry out at the stark injustice?

In such dark times I am reminded of the famous and inspiring lines written, no doubt, by an anonymous Black NBA slave, perhaps at halftime or in the training room, after another grueling day under the burning spotlights of the NBA fields:

First they came for the NBA players,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't an NBA player.

Then they came for the Black anti-Semites,
and I didn't speak out, because I wasn't a Black anti-Semite.

Then they came for the self-hating Jews,
and I didn't speak out, because I wasn't a self-hating Jew.

And then they came for me, and we went bowling, and we never watched an NBA game again. Ever.

****

If you are wondering, Bryant Gumbel was not fired for his racist and anti-Semitic remarks. This stands in stark contrast, for instance, to Rush Limbaugh, who was forced to quit a moment after he made a much less inflammatory and hurtful remark about the media reporting on Black NFL quarterback Donovan McNabb, a remark that was actually quite truthful.
Jeffrey Kessler, who like Grumbel debased hundreds of years of Black history in America, is somehow still retained by the basketball players union.

Finally, hat tip to one of the most insightful basketball writers on the net, David Friedman.

NFL Bans Tackling Due to Player Safety Concerns

2011-11-06T10:21:00.003+02:00

ISL - New York, 6 November, 2011 - The Divine Emperor and Prime Mover, the All Knowing and All Powerful King of Kings of the NFL, the Omnipotent Finer of Fines and Maker of Rules, His Glory and Eternal Sunshine, Mr. Roger Goodell announced yesterday a new decree upon the NFL and its adherents. The decree, known officially only as NFL Bull MMMDCCLXXIV, forbids tackling any player on the field. Sacking the quarterback has been officially banned and returns of any kind are forbidden. Special teams plays will be decided solely by the kickers, who will kick the ball as far as they can. In case of a touch-back the ball will be placed on the 20 yard line and in any other case the ball will be placed wherever it finished rolling.
His Highness, Roger Goodell The Infallible, explained that tackling may result in injury, and injuries tarnish the image of the entire sport: "We want a clean, fair game, a game that has no violence or brutality, a game that embodies the spirit of love and kindness that is the essence of the NFL and the entire great nation that is America," said His Impeccabillity, Goodell the Magnifiicent.

Several star defensive players have questioned the new rules. Brian Urlacher of the Chicago Bears said that traditionally, tackling has been the primary means of preventing the advance of the offensive player. "Its removal from the game will have an immense impact on the way it is played," Urlacher remarked, although he stopped short of questioning the supreme wisdom of the NFL Czar, "I have implicit trust in our Saviour, the Great Pigskin, Roger Goodell," Urlacher said, perhaps wary of being summoned to questioning by NFL authorities - as happened recently to Ndamukong Suh, the star defensive tackle of the Detroit Lions. Following an anonymous tip by sensitive Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, Suh was arrested by league officials and accused of displaying severe disrespect to the quarterback position. Suh exited a one hour "interview" with the Goodell Himself in a mellow and contrite mood, "His Goodellness explained to me that I have hurt the feelings of many quarterbacks in the league and that it was wrong of me to do so. I apologized and promised to be nicer in the future", said Suh.

The new rules promise to be as confusing as the old ones. Written in the same secret code in which the entire Book of NFL Rules is written, only a handful of officials are expected to actually understand what the rules of the game are and even they are not expected to reach an agreement regarding their interpretation. We asked former Vice President of Officiating, Mike Ferrari, to explain the effect of the new rules on the game and its adherents: "Well, the question is where was the ball when the runner was stopped," Mike replied. "In other words, did the ball cross the plane or didn't it? From one point of view it appears that the tip of the ball is touching the outermost reaches of the edge of the goal line, but from a different point of view one can clearly see San Diego on a sunny day. So it all comes down to what mood the head official is in. Judging by his terse speech and abrupt movements, Mike Carey seems to be suffering from a severe case of constipation and therefore I expect a harsh, unfavorable interpretation to the rules in this situation, meaning that he will probably rule a personal foul "roughing the ball carrier" on the defensive player, who forgot that tackling is forbidden. Therefore, as a result of illegal tackling, the ball was fumbled at the goal line resulting in a touch-back or safety, as the case may be. At least that how I expect the ruling on the field to be considering the crew, the national deficit, and the fact that Jupiter is in the house of Mars."

Yes, this is more or less the present state of officiating in the NFL, and we can only expect it to get worse. Judging by the current changes that are aimed at cancelling the return game (who else is sick of this parade of touch-backs), sacks, and any semblance of pass-defense, what is satire today will probably become reality tomorrow.

Shalit Family Flees Israel Ahead of Upcoming Wave of Terrorism

2011-10-19T10:23:00.000+02:00

ISL - Jeruslaem, 19 October, 2011 - Citing safety concerns, the Shalit family, noted for starring in the Gilad Shalit Reality Show for the past five years, has announced its intention to leave Israel in the immediate future and settle in what they termed "a less hazardous country".
A spokesman for the family confronted reporters in Tel Aviv today and explained that the release of hundreds of known and experienced murderers has made Israel an exceptionally unsafe place to live in: "Although the Shalit family appreciates the gesture made by the Israeli government, the release of so many hardened terrorists makes living in Israel an extremely frightening prospect. The Shalit family has already suffered enough and does not wish to lose a family member in a bus bombing or perhaps have Gilad Shalit maimed for life by a terrorist attack," the spokesman explained. "That said, the Shalit family wishes the people of Israel the best of luck and has already created a website for devoted fans of the Gilad Shalit Reality Show, who will be able to enjoy reruns of the show at www.happytodieforgilad.com"

Sigh. If life was fair, the people that campaigned for his release, and especially the media personnel, would volunteer to be killed and maimed in the inevitable terror attacks. As it is, we will just have to wait and see who draws the short stick in this sick, Israeli version of Russian roulette.

A century ago, Joseph Trumpeldor famously said: "Never mind, it is good to die for our country."
Today we can shamefully say: "Never mind, it is good to die for Gilad Shalit."

The magnitude of this inversion of values is astounding, isn't it?

As Gilad Shalit Reality Show Nears End, Israel Prepares for Next Kidnapping, Murders

2011-10-18T11:56:00.005+02:00

ISL - Jerusalem, 18 October, 2011 - After an extremely successful five year run, the Gilad Shalit Reality Show will reach its conclusion in the coming days. The popular reality show saw thousands of people marching for Gilad, signing petitions, and begging for his release, while hundreds of thousands more watched the unfolding drama on their TV sets every evening. Director of the show, Marvin Hammersfield, said that ratings were consistently high and that the show would have continued except for fatigue experienced by the family: "Every reality show has to end sometime," said the director. "We thank the Shalit family and the Israeli public for participating and following the show for all these years."
Fans of the popular reality show have reluctantly accepted the fact that their favorite series is concluding. For instance, in a televised interview, Aviva Cohen from Ramat Gan, said: "This is very sad. I loved Gilad and the show; life just won't be the same without him." In a poll released yesterday, 76% of Israelis said that they would like to see Shalit star in a new show: "He's a great actor and an outstanding person and he has natural charisma," said Yaron Sneh from Haifa, " I think he can be the next Leor Miller." Many thousands are expected to welcome Gilad Shalit home in the final episode of the show, which will air this evening.

In an interesting twist, the producers of the show, which include Israel's leading media conglomerates, have managed to stage a so-called prisoner swap, in which Gilad Shalit will be exchanged for a thousand prisoners, including hundreds of murderers. Critics have blasted the finale as being ridiculously artificial even for a reality show. "There are limits to what the Israeli public will believe and accept," said TV critic Moshe Yahalom, "Even Israelis would not believe that the government would make such a stupid decision." However, the production company defended the decision, saying that the Israeli public has accepted and embraced even more patently false reality shows such as the Oslo Accords, The Disengagement, The Rabin Assassination and more. "There is no reason not to assume that the public will not accept and even enjoy the prisoner swap," said producer Marvin Hammersfield. "With any kind of luck, some or even many of the prisoners will resume their activities - perhaps we will have another kidnapping, or a series of bus bombings like in the nineties."
"Israelis love a good bombing campaign," concluded the producer optimistically. "Nothing gets ratings like a good suicide-bombing campaign and the inevitable funerals, soul-searching, and mutual recriminations that follow them."

Amusing Ourselves to Death indeed. Personally, I wish to have no part in this sick drama. I am an old-fashioned kind of guy: I can face reality without the help of a production company that spends most of its time explaining to the Israeli public why it has to die.
Anyway, I wish everyone a Happy Gilad Shalit Day, and may you and your loved ones never pay the bloody price for this frivolous act of self-indulgence.

Palestinian Archaeologist Says King David was Muslim

2011-10-05T09:03:00.000+02:00

Dr, Basam Kizbawi, a Palestinian archaeologist, historian, and pokemon collector from Bir Zeit University in the West Bank caused a sensation yesterday after publishing an article that claimed, among other things, that King David was a Muslim. Intrepid ISL reporter, Joel Shmattes, risked life and limb to interview the new rising star of Palestinian academia:

Shmattes: First, perhaps you can tell our readers about your background.
Kizbawi: Certainly. I was born in Egypt, the eldest brother in a family of four and...
Shmattes: But you are Palestinian, of course.
Kizbawi: Of course, every Muslim is a Palestenian, and every Palestenian is a Muslim.
Shmattes: I mean, your parents or grandparents were exiled from Palestine and you were forced to live in a refugee camp in Egypt.
Kizbawi: Not at all - my family is Egyptian.
Shmattes: Then why have you moved to Ramallah and taken up the Palestinian cause?
Kizbawi: I always wanted to study history and I then received a grant from the Palestinian Authority. As everyone knows, nothing is more important for the Palestinian people than education. After all, the first university in the world was established by King David, the Palestinian King of Jerusalem, over three thousand years ago. He built a great mosque and many academies for the arts and sciences on the Holy Temple Mount of Palestinian Education. Of course, it was almost completely destroyed in the year 845 BC, when the Jewish king of Babylon, Yossi Sennacherib overcame the Palestinian army, led by Muhammad LionHeart. All that remained is one wall, known to all Palestinans as "The Wall of Knowledge". Of course, the lying Jews stole from us our Wall and made it their own. Due to their effective propaganda machine and complete control of the media for the past 2500 years, it is now known as "the Wailing Wall". But hopefully, as more studies like mine come to light, we will be able to recover our heritage, and we will be able to set the record straight. In any case, all the knowledge that the Palestinians gave the world was then lost and the world slid into many centuries of barbarism. But fortunately, the Palestinians never gave up their mission to improve the world through learning. That is why great Palestinian thinkers, such as Ahmad el-Plato and Abu-Aristotle, who lived in exile in Greece, wrote many excellent philosophy books that are studied and cherished to this day by the entire world.
Shmattes: I must say that I am astounded.
Kizbawi: I know - you are amazed because this is the first time you are hearing about the true, great history of the Palestinian people.
Shmattes: No, I am amazed because this is the first time I am hearing such an outrageous pile of crap in my entire life. Where the hell did you study this so-called history?
Kizbawi: I am highly insulted by your bad manners. I will have you know that I purchased the best education money can buy - we Palestinians spare no expense when it comes to education!
Shmattes: Didn't you just say you were Egyptian? But never mind that - tell me, where did you actually study?
Kizbawi: I received my degree from the London School of Economics. It was highly recommended by Saif Al-Islam, Ghaddafi's son.
Shmattes: Did you also "donate" 1.5 million dollars to your professor...?
Kizbawi: Actually, he demanded 3 million dollars. We settled for 2.5 million. It is true what they say: education is very expensive these days!
Shmattes: No doubt you did not write your thesis either, did you?
Kizbawi: Who has time for such things? I mean, after all, did you build the house you live in? Did you grow the food you eat or make the clothes you are wearing? Of course not! You would rightly say that it is a waste of time. A thesis takes many years to complete - you are not seriously suggesting that I waste who knows how many years of my life writing a stupid paper for a stupid university when I can have someone do it for me in a month or two? The university gave me an excellent ghostwriter, by the way, so that wasn't a problem.
Shmattes: But didn't you say that the Palestinians cherish learning?
Kizbawi: I did and it is true. After all, the Palestinian people invested 2.5 million dollars in my education - which is probably much more than you invested in your own education.
Shmattes: You know, the phrase "to purchase an education" is not meant literally.You are supposed to actually study and learn and gain knowledge. Personally, I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
Kizbawi: You are being absurd. I would be ashamed if I hadn't taken the opportunity to get out of the rat hole that is Egypt and make an excellent living writing history for my people. So, while you were wasting your time being ridiculously serious about writing a thesis that no one will ever read or care about, I already published numerous articles and a book, and I am considered an expert - a very well-paid expert, I might add - in Palestinian history.
Shmattes: Which is entirely fake.
Kizbawi: Well, isn't all history fake? And if that's the case, it might as well be Palestinian history.
Shmattes: And someone has to write it.
Kizbawi: Exactly.

I wish I was kidding, but Palestinian depravity really knows no bounds. If you are interested in learning more about the numerous ways in which the Palestinians are trying to rewrite history, and you are interested or amused by badly written fiction, check out this review by the Palestinian Media Watch.

Shana Tova

2011-09-28T11:54:00.000+03:00

The Jewish new year is upon us so I would like to take the opportunity to wish my readers a happy new year. May you and yours enjoy a year of health and bounty, spiritual as well as material.

I would also like to share with you a few things I learned this year:

1 - There exists a surprisingly large number of people that believe that genocide is a favorable solution to political problems, as long as these problems involve Jews. In the West these people are called "liberals". I guess that's because they want to liberate the world from Jews. In the Middle-East we just call them "Arab-Muslims".

2 - Bibi Netanyahu can give one hell of a speech, but he is still a wimp and he is married to Sarah, a perfect combination of wickedness and stupidity.

3a - Being Jewish means being a symbol - a symbol of God's existence and a symbol of God's morality. The establishment and existence of Israel, which is quite a miracle, is a symbol of divine intervention in our world. Every Jew is such a symbol, whether he want's it or not, whether he acknowledges it or not.

3b- The world is divided into those that acknowledge God's existence and morality and those that oppose it. These two forces are embodied by the Jewish culture that embraces life, and Palestinian-Arab-Muslim culture that embraces death.

4- These simple truths are terrible to acknowledge. I know it took me many, many years to admit this.

5 - Making jokes about death and laughing about the precarious position of Jews in the world is an age-old Jewish tradition. Here a few examples taken from the "Great Book of Jewish Humor", edited by Prof. Adir Cohen. It's in Hebrew but highly recommended if you speak the language or know someone who does. You can buy it In Israel at this link.

- A woman is grieving for her lost little one. "Yossel'eh," she cries out in pain and sorrow. "When you go to heaven, be an emissary for us and pray for all of us down here."
Her husband heard this and said: "On such an important mission you send a little boy? Why don't you go there yourself...?"

- An old woodsman was carrying on his shoulder a large bundle of firewood when suddenly the heavy burden overcame him and he collapsed to the ground in a daze. Immediately he began crying out for the angel of death: "Oh Death, I beg of you to please come quickly and release me from this terrible life."
No sooner had he finished his wish and the Angel of Death was right there by his side. "Did you call for me?" said the Angel with a terrible grin.
Awestruck and terribly frightened, the old man began to stammer: "Ummm, errr, ehhhh, yeeees...you see, perhaps in your kindness, you can help me lift this bundle of wood and put it on my back?"

The book also has an entire, large section devoted to jokes about Nazi Germany:

- A Nazi inspector is making his rounds in a school in Germany and he asks one of the children: "Who is your father?"
"Adolf Hitler," the boy dutifully answers.
"And who is your mother?" the inspector asks
"Nazi Germany"
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?
"An orphan!"

- A Nazi woman enters a butcher shop in Berlin. She looks around suspiciously and then asks: "Is this a pure, German, butcher shop or a filthy Jewish one?"
"My dear lady," said the butcher, "How can you even think of such a thing? Of course this is a pure, German butcher shop - only pigs come to buy here!"

- Three Brownshirts waited for Mr. Zilberstien to close his shop and then they jumped him, beat him with great vigor, and humiliated him. After they were finished they asked the poor man: "So, who was responsible for Germany's defeat in World War I?"
"The Jews and the popcorn-sellers," the poor man replied.
"What do the popcorn-sellers have to do with it?" the Brownshirts asked.
"Well, what do the Jews have to do with it?" was the reply.

-Hitler had a chance to send a direct request to God. He wrote: "Dear God, please turn every German into a wise, honest Nazi.
After several days the reply came: "Your request cannot be granted for the following reasons: An honest, German Nazi cannot be wise; a wise, Nazi German cannot be honest; and a wise and honest German cannot be a Nazi."

Sadly, this joke can apply perfectly well today, with a slight change of names. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose...

I didn't have the time this year to write a special post for the holiday, but if you haven't read it yet, and Jewish mothers being what they are - a constant thorn (and occasional source of comfort) in our lives - then you may enjoy reading this holiday post. It was written about the Passover trauma, but I think it applies equally well to Rosh Hashana and basically, any large, dysfunctional family gathering.

Finally, once again, to all the wise and honest people: happy new year and thanks for reading!

Illegal Dog Feces Found in Petah Tikva; Police Say Arrest Imminent

2011-09-21T16:57:00.000+03:00

ISL - September 21, Petah Tikvah - Two fresh, medium-sized pieces of abandoned dog feces were discovered yesterday evening by a Petah Tikvah citizen on a sidewalk on Herzl Avenue. Avi Cohen, a 55 year-old dentist and his wife Clara, a teacher, were out taking a walk in their neighborhood when Clara felt that dreaded, sinking sensation. When she looked down she observed that she had, indeed, "stepped in it". "Of course," said Clara, "There was no question of continuing our walk. Our entire evening stroll was irrevocably ruined."

No doubt, in time the Cohen's will recover from their trauma and perhaps, eventually, they will be able to resume their normal routine and once again go out on their evening strolls. But the question asked by Petah Tikvah residents everywhere today is: who is responsible for this new case of "felonious feces"- the second in as many weeks - and what are the local security forces doing about it?

A spokesman for the Petah Tikvah Police Special Shit Squad (motto: "no shit!") said that a team of expert canine detectives have been assigned to the case after initial feces DNA testing has turned up negative. "There is a rogue dog-owner out there who is shitting on the city of Petah Tikvah," said the spokesman. "The Special Shit Squad will not rest until this piece of human crap is arrested and put behind bars." The spokesman also said that undercover detectives and regular police have been instructed to increase their vigilance in the afflicted areas, and the residents have been advised to be on the alert for illegal feces. "The best advice that I can give right now to the harrowed residents of Petah Tikvah is not to go out after dark and to walk with extreme caution."

Is dog shit really such a big problem in Petah Tikva that they have to create a canine DNA data bank? Doesn't anyone think that's just a bit extreme? On the other hand, I'm glad that despite the eternally strenuous"matzav", people still have time for shit like this. Really.

Elves Accused of Human Rights Violations in Skirmish with Orcs

2011-09-19T16:44:00.000+03:00

(If the LOTR were translated into the Palestinian version of reality):

Minas Tirith, January 30, 3018 - New Gondor Times - The Human Rights Watchers, a Gondor-based, international NGO that monitors human rights in Middle Earth, has accused the Elves of Lothlórien of violating the human rights of Orcs in a border skirmish that occurred between the two peoples ten days ago. Orc survivors interviewed by the commission said that a large company of Elves ambushed their group, killing hundreds of defenseless Orcs, including unarmed Orc women and children.
"It was a horrific massacre", said Briznaksh, one of the survivors. "We were out on a picnic, trying to get a breath of fresh air and a change of atmosphere from the dark, stuffy caves of the Misty Mountains, where we are forced to live after the Elves took from us our beautiful Lothlórien," Briznaksh said with tears in his eyes. "Everybody was having a great time and we were just about to return home when the Elves waylaid us. Arrows were flying everywhere and Orcs were screaming and then they came with their long knifes."

According to witnesses, the Elves slayed entire families and mutilated the corpses, cutting off the ears and noses of the victims, some of whom were still alive. "Children and women were raped mercilessly and repeatedly by the Elves," said Briznaksh, who watched the entire grisly scene from his hiding place two hundred feet below ground, in the 51st level of Moria, paralyzed with fear.
As is well-known, Orcs have been living in terror from the Elves ever since the High Elves conquered beautiful Lothlórien and expelled them, turning hundreds of thousand of Orcs into miserable refugees hiding in dark caves, fearful of the light of day.

Elbeth Danorell, spokesman for Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn, the leaders of occupied Lothlórien, denied the charges and claimed that the Orcs crossed the border into Elvish territory heavily armed and were repelled. However, Drabnor Jardosh the national director of the Human Rights Watchers, said that the commission received reports from numerous Orc eyewitnesses, detailing the atrocities committed by the Elves and that it is now considering filing a formal complaint to the Human Rights Commission of the United People of Middle Earth. The commission is currently chaired by the representative of Mordor, the Lord of the Nazgûl and former witch-king of Angmar, and it is composed of goblins, orcs, and trolls.

Wikileaks: NIF department head says "Holocaust No Tragedy"

2011-09-14T21:28:00.000+03:00

ISL - Tel Aviv, Septmeber 2011 - In a confidential discussion with the American ambassador, head of the Next Six Million Project at the No Israel Fund (NIF), Sarah Reichman, said that the Jewish people "Over-reacted to the Holocaust" adding that "In another hundred years the Jews will come to realize that the Holocaust was no big deal; it wasn't the tragedy they though it was." These words, revealed in a US State Department cable, have caused an uproar in Israel, where many people still hold the unpopular belief that the systematic murder of six million Jews is, actually, quite the big deal.
Current director of the No Israel Fund, Hannah Strassburg, clarified that the NIF completely disassociates itself from these remarks, stating that Reichman is no longer employed by the NIF and has moved on to work directly with the Hamas. She also emphasized that in her opinion the Holocaust is definitely a tragedy: "There is no doubt in my mind that the Holocaust is a tragedy," said the Director. "About three hundred thousand Jews survived due to negligence and sloppiness on the part of Hitler's regime, and many of them ended up in Israel, which is a tragedy in and of itself." Strassburg said that she hopes to avoid Hitler's mistakes by taking a slower but more thorough approach to the issue, "Hopefully, a hundred years from now, we will live in a better world, in which the terrible mistakes of the Holocaust will have been corrected."

Kidding aside, these people are really putting their money where their hatred is.

Sweden to Invest Millions in Combating Western Extremism

2011-09-12T08:17:00.000+03:00

ISL - Stockholm, September 11, 2011 - Ten years after the dreadful attack on the United States, Sweden has learnt its lesson: "We will never forget that terrible day," said Swedish Prime Minister, Fredrik Reinfeldt, at a poignant tribute to the 19 Muslim hijackers who were killed on that memorable day. "It is a lesson for all European countries that we must commit ourselves to combat the extremists within us."
To that end, the Swedish government has allocated fifty million dollars to a new program that will combat Western extremism in Sweden by educating the Swedish population about the benefits of living in an Islamic country ruled by Sharia. "The program is modeled on the sort of peaceful coexistence that has been achieved at Malmo," said Prime Minister Farid Reinfeldt, who hopes to oversee an uneventful transference of power to the handful of insanely violent Islamic Jihadis who have immigrated to the country and are unwilling to compromise on their ideal of reverting the entire world back to the Dark Ages. "Coexistence and tolerance of the 'Other' are not always easy," the Swedish Emir admitted, "and the price may seem high to some people, but the alternative would be to forgo our principles of tolerance and mutli-culturalism and actually fight for the survival of our nation and its people, and really, who has the strength to do that? National suicide is easier and we will do our best to make it painless," promised Farid Ranya, the Swedish Emir.

ISL Film Review: Mutiny on the Mavi Marmara

2011-09-12T07:21:00.003+03:00

ISL - Istanbullywood- Mutiny on the Mavi Marmara is a new, uplifting moral drama, directed by well-known impressario, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, author of the previous smash hits: Don't Cry For Me Kurdistan, Invasion of the Island Snatchers, and Where Oh Where Did All the Armenians Go? This new production tells the story of 35 courageous international activists, who are trying to smuggle supplies to a genocidal regime that lacks nothing except advanced weaponry with which to implement its murderous plans. In a revolt against all human decency and any sense of morality, the activists masquerade as innocent passengers. Suspense builds as army forces try to peacefully board the suspicious ship only to be treacherously attacked by the passengers, who thus complete their mutiny against Western values, mankind, and God. New York Times critic, Edgar Pennington, called the movie "a beautiful vision of a better, simpler world, untroubled by morality". Coming soon to a terrorist base near you.

See also a previous post about Turkey's moronic PM, and Dry Bones also has something to say about this matter.

"The Joy of Lying" - New Book Explains Pathological Lying in Palestinian Society

2011-09-09T08:34:00.000+03:00

Following another complete and utter destruction of false Palestinian claims concerning, this time, Israel's responsibility for the lack of water in the Palestinian Authority, our attention has been directed once again to the amazing phenomenon of lying in Palestine society. Many civilized people have wondered at the Palestinian talent for telling the most outrageous lies with a completely straight face, but until now no convincing explanation has been forthcoming for this extraordinary phenomenon. But now, others in Palestinan society are beginning to awaken to this problem, and finally some answers may be provided. ISL spoke to a pioneer in the field of lying research, Dr. Faisal Tamimi, author of the book "The Joy of Lying: Why Palestinians Lie From the Cradle to the Grave":

ISL: First, thank you for agreeing to talk to us, despite all the tensions and violence.
Dr. Tamimi: You are welcome. I always was a big believer in peace with the Jews.
ISL: Really?
Dr. Tamimi: Of course not. Do you think I want to get myself killed?
ISL: I get it - you were lying!
Dr. Tamimi: Exactly! The first principle in dealing with Palestinians is to assume that we are lying.
ISL: I'm sorry, but aren't you being a bit too hard on your own people? Surely some people say the truth some of the time?
Dr. Tamimi: In my research, I have discovered that this is not so. We lie all the time.
ISL: But why? And how can a society possibly conduct itself in this manner?
Dr. Tamimi: Have you heard of the story of The Boy Who Tried to Tell the Truth?
ISL: No, never heard of such a thing.
Dr. Tamimi: This is a well-known Palestinian fable. Every child grows up on it. Basically, it is the story of Ahmad, a poor boy who lived in a village near Jerusalem. One day, he said to his mother "Mother, I do not want to kill Jews. I do not want to kill anybody." His mother cried and beat her chest and tore her hair, because she is a good Palestinian. She gave Ahmad a terrible beating, and then she locked him in a cupboard for three days without food or water.
ISL: Dear me! Isn't that a little harsh? After all, he was a small child.
Dr. Tamimi: Yes, but life is hard and the sooner children learn this lesson the better. Anyway, after three days his father released him, but Ahmad was a very stubborn child and he still insisted that he would not kill anybody, not for his religion, or his people, or even his family. This was a terrible insult of course, so his father did the only thing possible.
ISL: He talked to his son and tried to understand his point of view?
Dr. Tamimi: No, he sodomized him. Of course, this was for the child's own benefit.
ISL: Of course...
Dr. Tamimi: But this Ahmad was a perverse boy, a spawn of the devil. Iblis himself mated with a hoary Jewish witch to produce this vile mutation. So, even though he had been beaten and and starved and sodomized repeatedly - he still refused to say that he would kill other people. Finally, his parents had no choice. They strapped an explosive belt on him and dropped him off at the Shoefat checkpoint. When he was approached by Israeli soldiers, his father blew him up, and two Israeli soldiers were killed. So as you can see, the story has a happy ending.
ISL: But that's terrible. What kind of parent kills his own child?
Dr. Tamimi: My friend, you are missing the point.
ISL: Which is...
Dr. Tamimi: That the Western custom of telling the truth is not acceptable to us.
ISL: No, seriously, when you talk to one another, how do you know when you are telling the truth?
Dr. Tamimi: Who knows what is the truth?
ISL: The truth is the exact opposite of a lie. I don't understand...
Dr. Tamimi: There, you said it yourself!
ISL: I did?
Dr. Tamimi: Yes! truth and lies are the opposite, and everyone knows that opposites are actually the same. So, there is really no difference between telling the truth and lying.We reject this false Western dichotomy. Every truth is a lie, and every lie is the truth.
ISL: But, if that is true, then how do I know if even what you are saying right now is the truth?
Dr. Tamimi: Are you deaf? Of course it isn't the truth.
ISL: So you were lying?
Dr. Tamimi: Allah! Were you even listening to what I have been saying? God, you Jews are stupid! Forget about truth and lies. There is no such thing.
ISL: There isn't?
Dr. Tamimi: There isn't.
ISL: But..but..but...
Dr. Tamimi: But what?
ISL: But, how do you know what to believe in, how do you form an opinion, how do you conduct scientific research, how do you know who to love and marry? For all these things you have to know the truth - the truth about nature, about your feelings, about how others feel and think.
Dr. Tamimi: We live a simpler life. Marriages are arranged - what does love have to do with it? We don't do scientific research so that's not a problem, and for the rest, when your very life and your livelihood depends on what to think and what to say, what does the truth matter?
ISL: So you just say what you are expected to say; believe in what everyone else believes in?
Dr. Tamimi: If you want to live and perhaps thrive, then yes, that's what you do. The truth, as you call it, is a function of power, of the will to kill.
ISL: That's terrible. How can you live like that, in such an atmosphere of fear and terror?
Dr. Tamimi: Actually, it really is terrible. That is why I live in the United States and not in Palestine.
ISL: Seriously? If so, then how did you conduct the research for your book?
Dr. Tamimi: I didn't. I made it all up.
ISL: You did?
Dr. Tamimi: Of course. What did you expect? I am a Palestinian...
ISL: (Whimpers helplessly)

Yes, this is what we are dealing with. This never was a "War against Terror", which is a terrible idea anyway (can you imagine Reagan declaring a "War against Spies" to end the Cold War? We would all be slaving away in dirt-poor communes by now) - it is a War for Truth.

The Israeli philosopher of science Zeev Bechler calls this post-modern phenomenon "Brutalism", meaning that when the moral power of truth is abolished, brute force carries the day (English synopsis of his amazing book is offered by the author here and a shorter review is here). And guess who has no qualms and no moral inhibitions whatsoever about using brute force to achieve their goals? Liberals, leftists, and Islamists.
As a small nation, we will never be able to coerce the world into siding with us. The only thing that we can do is to tell the truth over and over and over again and become, at at the very least, a rallying point for a moral majority, a beacon of light in the world's darkness. That is our role. Always has been, perhaps it always will be.

Shabbat Shalom!

Crisis Looms in Middle East as Erdogan Refuses to Pick Up Room

2011-09-08T09:59:00.002+03:00

ISL - Istanbul, September 12, 2011 - In another grave international incident, Prime Minister of Turkey, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, refused yesterday evening to pick up his room. This follows several previous "accidents" in which Erdogan peed in his bed, although the plastic sheets had been removed days ago and he had promised to get up whenever he felt like doing number 1. Erdogan's nannies, US President Barak Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu expressed their dismay and utter disappointment with the Turkish prime minister. Netanyahu said: "I thought we were already over this stage and headed towards a more mature level of behavior. I love the Turkish people but I am very disappointed with Erdogan."
In a phone consultation conducted last night, Obama and Bibbi decided to send Erdogan to sleep early without reading him his usual bed time story. "Bed times stories are for good prime ministers, not for bad boys," Obama explained.

This is what happens when you give guns, missiles, and fighter planes to five year old children dressed in Armani suits.

California to Outlaw Dogs Chasing Cats

2011-09-06T09:44:00.000+03:00

ISL - Sacramento - 24 April, 2015 - The California legislature is moving to pass a bill that will outlaw dogs chasing cats. The bill is a first step in what many hope will be an end to hundreds of years of needless strife between cats and dogs. Rep. Franklin Omgido (Dem.), who graduated summa cum laude from San Fernando Elementary School and also holds a degree in Advanced Surfing, said that the bill contains provisions for psychological counseling for dogs aimed at convincing them that their hostile attitude to cats is unreasonable, undemocratic, and non-inclusive. "Cats have been chased by dogs for hundreds, perhaps even thousand of years.This madness has to stop!" Rep. Omgido said to an enthusiastic crowd of thousands of cats and a smaller contingent of pacifist dogs, mostly poodles and chihuahuas. The bill, which will cost taxpayers five hundred million dollars over the next ten years, calls for training thousands of animal psychologists and mediators and setting up hundreds of 24 hour Crisis and Counseling Centers for beleaguered cats and embattled dogs throughout the state. Proponents of the bill claim that it will create hundreds of new jobs and will invigorate the economy, but opponents argue that the people of California would be better served by trying to restore electricity to the state, which was cut off due to lack of maintenance and a five trillion dollar debt two years ago.

It seems that California is doing its best to promote Idiocracy in the United States. The legislature already has trouble with math and morals, and now they are going after the babysitters!? Mickey Mouse and Pluto could do a better job than this...Israel is not an easy place to live in, but at least the inmates aren't running the asylum, yet...
Hat tip to Ace of Spades, which has a few more pieces of such legislation here.

Sources in Rohan: Aragorn Return May Harm Peace Talks Between Gondor and Mordor

2011-09-04T16:01:00.001+03:00

Edoras, February 13, 3018 - Unnamed sources in Edoras, where the third round of peace talks between Gondor and Mordor are being held, disclosed yesterday that rumors of the return of the King of Gondor have had an unsettling effect on the discussions. "The return of the king threatens the stability of the current regime and makes it less likely to achieve an agreement, since the representatives of Mordor fear that a different regime may not honor previous agreements," sources said.
Another concern raised in political circles in Rohan was the possibility that the return of the king may fan the flames of nationalist sentiment among the Gondor populace and renew their hopes of victory. "A change in public opinion will almost certainly prevent the peaceful disengagement of Gondor troops from Ithilien," sources close to the peace talks said, emphasizing that this matter had already been considered by many "a done deal".

"Peace or Else", a Gondor-based NGO that advocates a peaceful resolution to the conflict with Mordor, issued a statement saying that "Gondor does not need a war-mongering king. If the king really cares about Gondor then he should stay in the North and let the talks reach their peaceful conclusion."
The peace talks were initiated and are being held under the auspices of Grima Wormtongue, chief counselor to Theoden, King of Rohan.
Aragorn, the supposed heir of Elendil, was unavailable for comment.

I was re-reading the LOTR lately, and I wondered how the War of the Ring would have looked like if Gondor had to deal with all the post-modern, liberal crap that Israel and the West have to deal with today. This is my first attempt at describing such a world, and the implications seem quite grim.

I admit that I truly long for the days when most people knew the difference between right and wrong and were not afraid to say it and stand for it. But then again, maybe there never were such days; maybe they always existed only in fairy tales.

Muslims Accept Challenge of 24 Hour Ban on Murder

2011-08-31T13:02:00.001+03:00

ISL- New York, 31 August, 2011 - Muslim leaders announced yesterday their acceptance of a challenge issued by US President Balak Obama to refrain from killing other people for a whole 24 hours, beginning September 7. The challenge came after the publication of a decisive report by the White House counter-terrorism task force, which found that people rumored to be associated with Islam may be tangentially implicated in the recent, decades old rise in global mayhem and murder. Obama said that the challenge was issued in consideration of the feelings of Muslims around the world, who may be offended even by the smallest hint of negativity raised in the report, and also in order to remove any doubt regarding the true nature of Islam: "If Muslims can stop killing other people for 24 hours, I believe that will prove once and for all that there is no connection between the religion of peace and terrorism," said the President.

Muslim leaders around the world embraced the report, which describes the thousands of acts of terrorism by Islamists as being committed by mentally -ill, criminal, and misguided Muslims. "We have a lot of crazy and misguided people in our country," Iranian President Ahmadenijad admitted sheepishly, "But we are doing our best to find them and re-educate them in the true essence of Islam, for instance by stoning and whipping." President Ahmadenijad also said that though his country accepts the challenge and will do its best to comply, success is doubtful, "Since there are many fanatical, fringe groups that are not under our control, such as: Hizbullah, Al-Kaeda, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, Hizbu-Tahrir, Jundulaah, Jamiat-e Islamiya, Mujahedin-e Khalq, Takfir wal-Hijra, Palestine Liberation Front, Jamiat ul-Ansar, Jaish-e-Mohammed, Islamic Jihad Union, Hizbul Mujahideen and so on...

The Head of the "Let's Not Murder People for One Day Contest", Professor John Esposito, said that allowances will be made for the difficulties Islamic societies have in restraining their numerous lunatic fringes, and therefore, "The winner will be the country whose citizens kill the least people in the name of Islam in the designated 24 hour period."
First prize will be ten pounds of uranium and a nuclear reactor, courtesy of the American Counter-Terrorism Task-Force, which will be provided "as a confidence-building measure."

As it happens, I encountered yesterday a website called the Religion of Peace, which methodically tracks all the attacks conducted by Muslims in the name of Islam. The numbers are simply astounding - about once an hour someone in the world is killed in the name of Islam. In the month of Ramadan alone, nearly 800 people were killed. Fortunately, the leaders of the West are completely aware of this terrible danger and are doing their best to stop it.
Just kidding. Sigh.

Update: one hour after I posted this, news of another massacre by Muslims came in, this time in Russia. 9 people were killed. This comes on the Muslim holiday, Eid El-Fitr. What were they celebrating?

Introducing: The Encyclopedia of Jew-Hating

2011-08-28T16:48:00.001+03:00

Although for many long centuries the basic tenets of Jew-Hating have been known to many peoples in the West and in Islamic countries, they have typically been passed from father to son in a beautiful, heart-warming oral tradition and not in a systematic, detailed, conscious manner. Although this method of cultural transfer has been effective, there is no doubt that at least some of the cherished anti-Semitic traditions have fallen on the wayside and have been forgotten throughout the ages. In fact, it is only recently that researchers at the Israeli Satire Laboratory have taken it upon themselves to gather and organize the various pieces of knowledge, assumptions, superstitions, folk-sayings, and stories that have guided Jew-Hatred throughout the ages to such great success.

We are now proud to officially announce that these efforts have born fruit in the form of the Encyclopedia of Jew-Hating, published electronically by the Israeli Satire Laboratory Corporation. In order to familiarize the concerned anti-Semitic public with the Encyclopedia, we will periodically publish selected items from the Encyclopedia. Today we offer the public, for the first time, the definition of a Jew, an issue that has concerned many thoughtful anti-Semites, Jews, scholars, and legal practitioners throughout the ages.

Jews
Jews are a world-wide network of communists, socialists, capitalists, anarchists, liberals, leftists, fascists, democrats, republicans, war-mongerers, flower children and hippies, chauvinists, feminists, gay, lesbian, and homophobic activists, Islamist apologists and haters, Zionists and anti-Zionists, conservative, reform, orthodox, ultra-orthodox, secular, and atheist practitioners, who belong to the poor, rich, and middle classes, and who are all working together to achieve their vision of a capitalist/socialist/communist/liberal/ fascist/democratic/republican/chauvinist/feminist, gay/anti-gay/conservative/reform/orthodox/secular/atheist/Zionist/Islamic/Jewish/Christian/Anti-Zionist/poor/rich/middle class society.

The Jews unique characteristic, which separates them from all the other people in the world and in history, is that they are to blame for everything. Thus, Jews are to blame for acne, pot holes, b-movies, airplane food, root canals, obesity, drowsiness, laziness, procrastination, masturbation, and immigration. Jews are to blame for poverty, inequality, technology, premature baldness, revolutions, rebellions, and riots; every dictatorship in the world, as well as every malfunctioning democracy and welfare state; terrorism, radical Islam, Evangelical Christians, as well as faithless, tree-hugging, America-hating liberals. Jews are to blame for inflation, deflation and stagflation, the national debt, global warming and cooling (as the case may be), wars of any kind at any time, crimes of every type, shape and form; racism as well as civil rights; the Ku Klux Klan, as well as Martin Luther King. Jews are to blame for Reagan and the two Bushes as well as Carter, Obama, and Clinton (husband and wife). Jews are to blame for everything that goes wrong in your personal life including the test you failed at college, the red light you ran and got a ticket for, your divorce, the lemon you bought at the used car dealership, the failures of your favorite team (Hello Cubs!!), the promotion you never got, the sales you didn't close, the fish that got away. You name it - the Jews did it!

One may ask: how can such a vast, detailed operation be possible? How did the Jews make you stub your toe this morning on the foot of your bed? The answer is simple: The Jews are coordinated globally and throughout time by a committee of 72 immortal, celibate old men* called "The Elderly Virgins of Zion", who live in the Secret Jewish World Headquarters, which is located five hundred feet beneath the 7-11 on Dempster Street in Skokie, Illinois (Free slurpies!). With the help of their iPods and their 13 million agents on the ground, the Jews are able to manipulate each and every small detail of our lives as well as the economies, politics, and weather of the entire world, except, it seems, their own country... (For further details see definition for: Israel; forthcoming).

*This includes Peres, of course.

Letters that Sarah Netanyahu Should Have Written

2011-08-24T08:46:00.008+03:00

A week and a half ago, the Israeli government implemented its decision to deport families of illegal immigrants. Being families, the move also included deporting children. Apparently, the sight of children being banished from their temporary homes in a foriegn country was too much for PM Netanyahu's wife, Sarah, who wrote a letter. The stupid, soppy, sentimental letter was addressed to the cold-hearted Minister of Interior, Eli Yishai, who is willing to sacrifice his public image, in order to try to preserve the Jewish character of the...Jewish state. The letter was widely publicized, and caused quite an uproar. This got us to thinking, surely there must be other letters that Sarah Netanyahu could have written. Here a few suggestions (please note the dates - some of these letters are old):

August, 2011
Dear Eli Yishai,
I understand that you are about to implement the government's decision regarding the deportation of illegal immigrants. I am sure that it pains you to deport children who have lived here for several years and consider Israel their second home, victims of their parents illegal acts and manipulations. As a psychologist, let me be the first to to tell you that I appreciate the pressure you are under from the media and other anti-Zionist organizations to let these gentiles stay and become Israeli citizens. Let me also be the first to tell you: I stand by your side in your efforts to maintain Israel's Jewish character - after all, we do have only one country to live in.
Thank you,
Sarah

Of course, such a letter would probably have landed Sarah in jail (see the recent case of Israeli Sephardi singer, Margol, who spoke against the social protests).

Let's try another letter:

July 2005
Dear Husband,
Today you voted in favor of the Disengagement. You did this even though you know for a fact that the cost to Israel, in economic, spiritual, and security terms is immeasurable. You voted in favor even though the Disengagement represents everything you have ever opposed: it is a cruel, anti-Zionist, anti-Semitic act, committed by a Prime Minister trying at all costs to avoid a criminal trial. It is by all counts, a terrible decision, which, as you have said many times, we will all live to regret. Still, you voted in favor. Why?
Because you are a coward. Because you are a liar. Because you are a hypocrite. Because you hold no principles more dear than tomorrow's headlines.
Living with you is like living on a sea of shifting moral quicksand; I never know when a pit of immorality will open up and swallow me.
Therefore I am leaving you to your miserable, petty, political calculations and to your public image, whom you love more than your wife, your children, and your people - the people of Israel.
Bibi, you disgust me.
Goodbye,
Sarah

And another:

August 2005
Dear Ariel ,
I turn to you as a mother of two young sons and a psychologist in the public service. From the depths of my heart, I beg you to reconsider the inhuman decision you have taken and allow the 3000 children in Gush Katif to remain in their own homes, in their own country. Who knows better than me the trauma of uprooting an entire family from their own homes, by their own brethren. The psychological damage cannot be imagined and may take generations to repair. Israel must find a solution for these children and their families - their expulsion is an unconscionable act, unworthy of your legacy as a savior of Israel.
Yours,
Sarah

And finally, this is what happens when you don't do the right thing - one day you wake up and you just can't stand yourself anymore:

Dear friends and family,
Today I woke up and looked in the mirror and suddenly I realized that I am nothing more than a stupid cow. I know that I am a fool, a dunce, a woman of weak character and immoral disposition. For years I have been nothing but a burden on my husband's career, shaming him with my ridiculous and extravagant desires and escapades.
Dear friends and family, words cannot express how ashamed I am for behaving in such an inconsiderate, self-indulgent manner. I am a worthless human being and therefore I have to decided to do the only worthy thing left to me - I am going to kill myself and rid the world of at least one useful idiot.
Goodbye friends and family. To tell the truth, I really did not care that much about any of you.
Sarah

In conclusion, dear reader, next time you choose a prime minister (or president) do us all a favor - take a good, long, hard look at his wife. If she is a weak-minded idiot, then her husband probably is too.

Netanyahu: Palestinians are not our enemies, only the terrorists are

2011-08-23T07:39:00.002+03:00

In a first reaction to the fatal terrorist attacks on Jews near Eilat and the renewal of missile attacks on Israel's South, Netanyahu clarified that Israel will retaliate harshly against the terrorists who conducted the attacks and their leaders, but not against the Palestinians, who are not Israel's enemies.

"The people who chose the anti-Semitic, genocidal Hamas government are not our enemies," Netanyahu said. "After all, is it the voters' fault that Hamas now controls the government and is fulfilling its campaign promises to kill all the Jews and destroy Israel?" Netanyahu asked rhetorically. "Of course not! Obviously, the Palestinian civilians who feed, train, educate, arm, applaud, encourage, and harbor and abet the terrorists, are not our enemies," Netanyahu said and added: "Come to think of it, Israel does not have enemies – after all, the Iranians are not our enemies, and neither are the Egyptians or Syrians."

"At most," Netanyahu said, "There a few dozen terrorists who are our enemies, and we will try to find them and kill them, but only if they are nowhere near any Palestinians, who are our friends."

Netanyah also reminded the Press that since Israel has no enemies, and, as Rabin memorably said, "You can only make peace with your enemies", the never ending efforts to make peace between Israel and its neighbors are futile: "No wonder all the efforts to make peace have failed," Netanyahu said, "We're already friends!"

Whew. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that Israel does not have any enemies. Now I can sleep well at night, safe in the knowledge that the security and future of our nation is in such good hands. I hope you do to...

Everyday is Holocaust Day in the P.A.

2008-03-03T12:41:00.003+02:00

ISL - Ramallah
President of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, announced a new Holocaust Day to commemorate the memory of the thirty two terrorists which were killed in yesterday's Holocaust. This most recent Holocaust was perpetrated by Israeli forces operating in Gaza in an attempt to stop the murder of Israeli civilians.

Abbas eulogized the dead terrorists, mentioning some of them by name and praising their accomplishments. The Palestinian President dwelled upon the tragic fate of Ahmad, the fifteen year-old son of arch-terrorist Mahmoud Zahar:
"Ahmad was a fine young terrorist, beloved by all who knew him, always the life of the party or the terrorist operation, as the case may be. Oh Ahmad, whose life was nipped in the bud before he ever had the chance to live it to the fullest," lamented the President, "It was only lately that you started launching rockets at Israeli towns, a short-lived pleasure that was taken away all too soon.
"Ahmad dedicated his life to the people," said Abbas,

"He could assemble a rifle in the dark in 20 seconds and he was a trained sharpshooter, able to hit an Israeli soldier or a kibbutz volunteer in the head at 300 meters, a feat he preformed, unfortunately, only once – such talent is rare and will be missed by all of us, as will be missed his contagious enthusiasm for killing Jews – even when others would waver or tire from the incessant murder of innocents, always the young, optimistic Ahmad would be there at their side, lifting the people's spirits or else threatening to kill their families and rape their sisters if they lose the faith – that was the kind of young man he was, ever the role model, always living up to the great expectations of his father and his people. The tireless, bright young man had a brilliant future ahead of him – who knows how many Jews he could have killed? With his talent and breeding and dedication – perhaps thousands. But, alas, we will never know.

"Also, Ahmad never got the chance to feel the pleasure of killing a Jew with his own hands and sadly, now he never will. We mourn you today because you were like a son to all of us," said Abbas, crying, "A prodigal son, full of promises yet to be broken, heinous crimes un- committed, unspeakable sins that will remain undone forever after. Standing here, in the shadow of your unfulfilled destiny, we pray for your body that it may enjoy an eternity of shagging virgins, and as to your soul, praise be to Allah who, in His wisdom, never gave you one. Amen."

The new Holocaust Day will be added to the previous ones, making a total of twenty nine Holocaust Days, each one marking a separate Holocaust suffered by the Palestinian people such as the Holocaust of Jenin in which dozens of terrorists were killed by Israel, or the Holocaust of Bargouti who is still rotting in the Israeli jail and of course the greatest Holocaust of them all, the 1947 "Nakba" in which the Palestinians failed to exterminate the remnants of the Jewish people gathered in Israel, a terrible wound that to this day remains unhealed.

You know, I get the feeling that the concept of shame would be lost on these people. Of course, having an imbecile like Matan Vilna'i in charge of anything doesn't help. He stepped right into it this time, didn’t he?

Related:
Abbas, the Holocaust denier, knows a Holocaust when he sees one. No suprises here, I guess.

Matan Vilna'i's Shoah comments - from Jpost. Really, since when does the Hebrew language lack words to describe ruin and destruction? What a moron.

Marwan Barghouti's indictment - what kind of people would express admiration for such a man?

Survivor of Palestinian 1948 Holocaust: I will never forget the horrible sight of thousands of Jews, fighting for their lives - and succeeding.

Israel Hits Murderous Office in Gaza

2008-03-02T13:48:00.003+02:00

ISL – Gaza

In another great military victory for the Israeli Defense Forces, an entire office, belonging to PA Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh from the Hamas, was obliterated. Fortunately, the office was empty so no innocent terrorists were hurt in the daring, pre-dawn raid.
Minister of Defense Ehud Barak praised the Israeli Air Force which managed a direct hit at the terrorist office without damaging any other nearby innocent offices, "In accordance with international law Israel takes great care in preserving the lives of innocent buildings," Barak said, "Even though in this case, as in many others, the vile terrorists hide their offices among many other, civilian offices".

PM Haniyeh himself said that he was glad that the Israel destroyed his office, "I hated it – the color scheme was terrible and the view of Gaza city was even worse."
The Palestinian PM also said that he already has prepared the plans for a new office which will be done in the Bauhaus style – I am a great fan of Ludwig Mies van der Rohe," said the PM, "And I'm really excited about the new décor."

Israeli PM Ehud Olmert praised the decisive action and especially pointed out the diligence of the forces in sparing the lives of Haniyeh and his henchmen, "Sooner or later we will have to talk with Haniyeh or someone like him so there is no point in killing him, in fact, it will only make matters worse," said Olmert,

"'Better the genocidal maniac you know' is our policy," said the PM.

The PM's office is already preparing the Next Great 10-Year Peace Plan which will deeply involve the radical Hamas, "Nobody likes to be left out, especially dedicated anti-Semitic murderers and criminals like the Hamas so, in this respect, it is obvious that we have to bear some of the responsibility for the situation in Gaza," Olmert said.
Olmert added that he hopes that the ritual hostilities will be over as quickly as possible so that the Peace talks between the parties can resume, "I need at least one Peace Conference a week or else I'm just not myself," Olmert admitted.

OK, really, can someone tell me why destroying an office is news? Did the office kill anybody? Did it organize attacks? Was it a genocidal office? Have we sunk so low we are now attacking holes and offices?
In my humble opinion, we are the victims of a state of mind and until we change this state of mind, nothing will really change.

For instance: Leftists maybe voting for Bibi is nice but I think an apology is also warranted – after all, the Meretz Peace has killed so many people and ruined the lives of literally millions, Jews and Arabs, that the least people like Yael should do is admit their mistake, apologize and do everything they can to correct it – starting from punishing, even ostracizing, their own guilty, lying leaders – in the media, politics and the Supreme Court.
Sorry, end of rant.

Related:
The original report which made the front page of both INN and Jpost - Haniyeh's Office Hit by IAF

Smelling salts anyone? Meretz voters for Bibi from Yael the Olehgirl.

Israeli Government Hits Palestinians with Harsh Concessions After Sderot Attack

New York Knicks Sued for Fan Abuse

2008-02-28T12:43:00.005+02:00

ISL – New York

The inevitable has finally happened: a group of New York Knicks fans have filed a class action suit against the New York Knicks and Madison Square Garden, "on behalf of abused Knicks fan all over the country," according to the group's lawyer, David Bergman. The group of fans called "Knicks Survivors Support Group" is seeking over a billion dollars in damages for what they are calling "cruel and unusual treatment of a fan base".

The group was formed two years ago when lifetime Knick fan, Chris Trenchmark, committed suicide after the Knicks forty point loss to the Atlanta Hawks, "I can't take it anymore," Chris wrote in his suicide note, "There is no hope left, all I see is darkness and the specter of Isaiah Thomas standing on the sidelines, smirking and taunting me till eternity."

Galvanized by the death of their friend, Chris's fellow fans formed a support group. Within days hundreds had joined, eager to share their shame and pain and agony, "For the first time I met people who understood what I have been going through in the past four years," said Kieth, a devoted member. As more people joined and the extent of abuse suffered by the fans, once shamefully hidden and now openly discussed, became clear, the group decided to ask the courts for help, "The New York Knicks have literally ruined the lives of tens of thousands of people," said the group's lawyer, "People have lost their jobs, gone insane and committed suicide. Some have got divorced and many have developed serious health problems. This is bigger and worse then what the tobacco companies did in the past," said Mr. Bergman,

"There is no doubt in my mind that what James Dolan and Isiah Thomas have done to Knicks' fans is un-American, unconstitutional and downright evil. I am sure that after hearing the evidence, any reasonable jury will agree."

The group says that it will rely on the personal, heart-wrenching testimony of Knicks fans, on New-York City's Welfare Department which estimates that the number of homeless and destitute people in New York in the past has risen by twenty percent due to the addition of abused Knicks fans and, of course, the abysmal record of the club and most importantly: the cruel trades inflicted upon the fan base. For instance, the trade for Zach Randolph, resulting in this travesty: (courtesy of BasketBawful)

"As you can see for yourself, inflicting this brand of basketball on a loyal, dedicated and knowledgeable fan base numbering millions, can only be understood as one of the worst cases of fan abuse that America has ever seen. Hopefully, soon, justice will be served, and the sidelines of MSG will be cleared of the corruption and evil that has resided there for far too long," said Mr. Bergman

Knicks President and coach, Isaiah Thomas, refused to address the charges, "Garden policy forbids discussion of the game, the players or the fans by any unauthorized Garden employee. I'm sorry," said Isaiah, "That's just the way it is. In fact, I shouldn't have told you that much either."

An official spokesman for MSG disclosed that the Garden Security Force is familiar with this extremist group of fans, "We have been aware of their existence from the beginning and have been following them closely," said the spokesman, "Extensive files on each and everyone of these troublemakers has been compiled and when the time comes they will be revealed for the traitors and criminals that they are."

Related:
If you follow the Knicks you know there is no lack of material concerning this ongoing fiasco. I'll just list the most recent:
A cartoon lampooning the Knicks, via Truehoop.

The Zach Randolph video from BasketBawful – the most hilarious, basketball-related clip I have seen in years.

Also, check out this great satire of the Knicks from "Posting and Toasting", a rather bitter Knick blog. Can't blame them, really.

Commissioner Goodell Reveals New England Patriots Spy Network!

P.S. I know this is way off topic for this blog but sometimes it is good to stray from the familiar and discover that there are other people out there with bigger worries than merely surviving another day – like those poor Knick fans.

Olmert: Big in Japan - and Staying There!

2008-02-27T13:54:00.004+02:00

ISL – Tokyo

Olmert will not be returning to Israel after his four day visit to Japan,
sources close to him have said to ISL. As it turns out, the visit was originally planned as an intensive job-hunting, 4-day interview and fact-finding trip which, it seems, was quite a success. According to sources close to the Israeli PM, Olmert plans to retire from his position as head of the Israeli government and will start a second career in Japan as a political geisha . Apparently, Olmert discovered during his visit that he has a unique ability to entertain Japanese officials with his tales of politics in the Middle East, "The Japanese Cabinet enjoyed Olmert's appearance immensely, especially when he told then how he won the last elections," said one source, "They were on their knees, laughing at his outrageous stories."

Olmert also has the added benefit of being a skilled and experienced political whore so that he will be able to offer a whole range of services to Japan's political and business elite, "The Japanese people are still very naïve about political corruption and Olmert has a lot to teach them," said one source, "And as an old decrepit, round-eyed foreigner he presents a unique if somewhat grotesque attraction."

Israelis of course will be relieved to find out that their incompetent Prime-Minister will now be leaving the country for good but some questions still remain. For instance – why now? And also – will his family be joining him in Japan? According to our sources, the two questions are connected:

It seems that lately Olmert has been telling people close to him that he feels that his days of destroying Israel are over, "I've done everything in my power to ruin the country but it seems that I have reached the end of the line," Olmert was heard saying. This may have something to do with the expected rejection of the proposed withdrawal-compensation law, authorizing the government to summarily destroy the lives of hundreds of thousands of Jews living in Judea and Samaria. Political observers are speculating that if Olmert is not able to carry out his plan to turn the West Bank over to Palestinian terrorists, he would prefer to retire. Sources close to the family say that Olmert's move to Japan may split the close-knit anti-Israeli clan , with Olmert's wife joining him in Tokyo and his kids staying in the country, believing, perhaps idealistically (kids!), that their presence and activities will help bring about the demise of the hated Zionist state.

But, as mentioned, all this is based on speculation and unconfirmed rumors. In our view, the real reason is probably this: only in Japan will Olmert's fantasy world coincide, at long last, with the real world and he will finally and truly become what he has always wanted to be - a giant among men.
After all, it's his only chance, isn't it?

Related:
Olmert in Japan from INN

Barak's Evacuation-Compensation Law and its expected (hopefully) demise.

Olmert's anti-Zionist family – a brief discussion and links from My Right Word: Should Olmert's Family Be An Issue?

Palestinians Violently Protest Non-Violence Protest

2008-02-26T23:04:00.002+02:00

ISL – Gaza
Palestinians voted with their feet yesterday, shunning the much-heralded anti-Israeli, non violent protest, in favor of lobbing mortars at Israel from the comfort and safety of their own backyards.

After successfully breaching the hitherto unknown border between Gaza and Egypt, the Palestinian government sought to do the same with the Israeli border, but this time with a twist: instead of blowing up the border and shooting at the guards, Hamas opted for a non-violent protest, the first of its kind in the desperate, decades long struggle of the Palestinian people to exterminate Israel.

The unfamiliar concept was quite a challenge for Ramzi Hamed, the Hamas Public Relations officer tasked with drumming up the necessary popular support for the move, "We don't even have the words to express such an idea," complained Ramzi, who ordered the schools closed and had his people hand out fliers announcing " A new, lethal weapon against anti-Zionism to be revealed at the demonstration" in an effort to bring out as many people as possible. But despite the offer of free bussing and refreshments, most Palestinians chose to stay at home.

"What I want to know is – if we are not killing anybody or stealing from anybody, or destroying something – then what's the point? I mean, what's in it for me?" asked Abed, A simple terrorist from Gaza, who echoed the feelings of many. For instance, Lutfi, a disgruntled father said, "If my child is going to miss bomb-making school, then it should be for a better reason then some silly demonstration where shooting is not allowed. These teachers – they will use any excuse to close down," said Lutfi, who had to quit his job at the smuggling tunnels early in order to take care of his kids, "You should have seen the dirty look the boss gave me!"

According to onlookers,

only several thousand Palestinians showed up and even they were disappointed, "We came to see a new weapon that will destroy the racist Zionist entity," said Muhammad from Gaza, " Well, I've been here all day and all we did was hold hands and chant and I want to know when, in the name of Allah, are we going to kill some Israelis?" said Muhammad, echoing the sentiments of many other disappointed Palestinians.

Hundreds of these dissatisfied protesters mobbed the Hamas representatives who spent the day trying to explain the nature of the non-violent weapon to the disbelieving crowd, but to no avail. Finally, apparently out of pure frustration, the mob ransacked the Hamas non-violence stand, trashed the non-violence propaganda and shot the organizers of the non-violent protest, "There is only one way to deal with this lying Western scum," said the masked leader of the mob, called Yousouf, "The Palestinian way!"

Too bad it didn't really end this way. The Hamas people have certainly killed enough innocent people to deserve it!

Related:
The report from INN

Israel calls Iran "Mutant Virus", Iran Threatens to Launch Giant Loogie

2008-02-21T14:00:00.004+02:00

ISL – New-York

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert went on the record yesterday, calling Iran "A mutant virus injected into the Middle East by Bug-Eyed Monsters from outer-space."
Olmert, who is usually mild-mannered, if not meek, responded to the crass verbal attack by Iran's President Ahmadinejad who, earlier this week, called Israel "A filthy bacteria". Olmert also ordered the Foreign Ministry to deploy its forces and prepare for imminent battle, "We are preparing for the worst possible language," said Olmert.

Israeli citizens were warned to carry their earplugs with them in case of an actual attack, although, according to the Home Front Command, more than a million Israelis were left with defective ear plugs after a year-long drive to renew them was halted due to budget cuts. The HFC warned that in case of an all out Verbal War between the countries, hundreds of thousands of Israelis will suffer injuries to their sensibilities if a solution is not found in time, "Somehow a way must be found to protect innocent civilians from hearing this kind of filth," said Head of the HFC, Commander Ofir.

Meanwhile, in New York, Israeli ambassador to the U.N. , Danny Gillerman, accused the Iranians of stealing his lunch box,

"I had it right here beside me at the start of the session," said Gillerman, who lodged a lengthy and detailed complaint with the Head Master, Ban Ki-Moon "This is not the first time stuff has happened," said Gillerman. "Last week I bought a football to the session so we could all play at the break but that too was stolen."

Israeli Foreign Minister, Tzipi Livni, who rushed to New York to coordinate Israel's Verbal Defense Effort, revealed that the Iranian Ambassador , Jahnoun Ahbaladai, pulled her hair twice already since she arrived, "It hurt and I also had to go back and fix it up each time," said Livni who lodged a separate complaint with Principal Ban-Ki Moon.
Head Master Moon said that he will summon parents from both sides to his office to clear the matter up, "I am sorry that his come to this," said Moon, "But I have no choice – the children simply will not listen to reason."

In Iran, President Ahmadinejad announced that Iran is preparing the biggest loogie the world has ever seen and that it will hurl it at Israel in response to its violations of international law and just for the fun of it, "We are not aliens and we not viruses," said the President, "And Olmert is nothing but an old, tired windbag full of puss."
In response, Olmert said that Israel is not afraid of loogies, "Israel is well-prepared for any threats from loogies and boogers," said Olmert, who called the Iranian President "A retarded monkey, who cannot even peel his own bananas."
Iran immediately issued a response saying, "It takes one to know one." After which Olmert stuck out his tongue and made a face. Ahmadinejad leered right back. Olmert then said that Ahmadinejad's behavior is childish. Ahmadinejad said:
"Not so," to which Olmert replied:
"Yes so."
"Not so."
"Yes so."
"Not so."
"Yes so."
"Not so."
"Yes so."
"Not so."
"Yes so."
"Not so."
"Yes so."
"Not so."
"Yes so."

Yep, these are our leaders.

Which makes me wonder – what is a bigger embarrassment: to have the pasty- looking, imbecilic, grasping Olmert as your Prime Minister or that crude, racist, maniacal buffoon Ahmadinejad as President?
What do you think? And did you get the BEM reference?

Related:
Ahmadinejad: "Israel filthy bacteria" - from the Jpost. Yes, he really did say that!

Iran Declares Rhetoric Red Alert as Olmert Issues Threats

Israel to Dismantle Army, Foreign Office to Assume Defense of Country

2008-02-20T12:25:00.007+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
In the decades-long power struggle between the powerful Ministry of Defense and the historically inferior Foreign Office, the tide seems to have turned. A new, revolutionary plan has been approved by the Olmert government according to which the Israeli Army will be gradually reduced to a small peace-keeping force.

This force, together with the remainders of the Defense establishment will be integrated into the existing structure of the Foreign Office which will change its name to "The Office of Foreign Defense Affairs". The reigning Foreign Minister will carry the additional title of "Commander of the Peace Corps" and the rank of "Public Relations Field Marshall".

Foreign Minister, PR Field Marshall and Commander of the Peace, Tzipi Livni, explains, "Violence simply doesn't work anymore," said Livni, "Take for example the recent Lebanon War – we had a great, sophisticated Army that got beat by a dozen well trained PR men. The battle was won in the media. In fact, you can say that Israel lost even before the war started because we were so caught up in the illusion of power that we forgot that power is meaningless without the power to impose meaning, if you see what I mean."

The new plan will change all that. Instead of investing billions of dollars in useless military hardware, funds will be diverted to the more important and more effective front of Public Relations,

"Instead of dozens of infantry divisions we will establish a dozen PR divisions," says Livni. "Just imagine – thousands of skilled, dedicated wordsmiths, ready to attack the enemy at a moment's notice with the most engaging, pitiful images of Israeli agony."

And that, according to Livni, is the centerpiece of the new Israeli defense system – a constant, imaginative, heart-rending display of Israeli misery and suffering that will reach every home in the world and touch every human soul, "This simple tactic has worked admirably for the Palestinians and there is no reason to think that it won't work even better for us. After all," said Livni, "The Jewish people invented suffering and guilt so the least we can do is to make them work for us, instead of against us."

According to the new plan, the removal of all defense mechanisms and the elimination of the threat of retaliation will encourage the Palestinians to attack Israel with a renewed vigor and with much more powerful weapons. These will inevitably increase the suffering of Israeli citizens, "With any kind of luck the number of casualties will rise and the wards will be filled with horribly wounded Israelis" said Livni, "Cripples for life, barely alive burn victims, life altering, unspeakable deformations and shrapnel-scarred survivors of Palestinian cruelty – those are the weapons of the future," said Livni, "And the quicker we get them, and the more we have, the sooner we will be able to win the Public Opinion War and when we do that the Palestinians will have no choice but to surrender and accept our demands, whatever they are."

Livni and her staff have already begun this campaign to renounce violence and embrace public relations by inviting prominent politicians to tour Sderot and the Western Negev, communities which have been hard hit by Palestinan rocket fire. The tours are a resounding success says Livni, "The Ukrainian ambassador nearly cried when we showed him what the Kassam did to that poor kid and the sentimental Americans really did cry. It was a great victory for Israel," concluded Livni.

"Facing deeply rooted prejudice and decades of Palestinian propaganda, we managed to turn the tables in a matter of minutes, just by showing people the real Israel – a country full of pain and suffering, experiencing daily fear and terror and agony, a land of hopeless, shell-shocked citizens who know that they or someone they love has a good chance to get killed or wounded any minute. A country that deserves the pity and empathy and support of the world and will do anything and everything to get it, including committing suicide."

Well, I guess this was inevitable. After all, our elites have decided long ago that Jewish self-defense is a violation of the human rights of murderers of Jews, so there really isn't much left to do, is there?

Perhaps now would be the right time to change our name from "The People of the Book" to "the People of the Scapegoat", seeing as we are such gluttons for punishment…

In the Photo: Field Marshall of Public Relations and Comander of the Peace, Foriegn Minister Tzipi Livni in full battle dress. (Official photo courtesy of Foriegn Office archives)

FM Livni is one of the most highly decorated PR warriors that the Foreign office has ever known, participating in hundreds of PR battles and skirmishes for which she has received numerous decorations.

On the left, from top to bottom:
- The Star of David for exceptional heroism under fire, earned three times for three separate actions, most notably in the notorious Livorno Press Conference of 1994 where a hundred anti-Israeli reporters ambushed the Israeli delegation. Livni, then a simple corporal, kept a cool head, answered all questions in a level-headed manner and managed to lead the whole delegation to safety. Livni was promoted in the field to rank of lieutenant. This action began her rapid rise in the ranks of the Foreign Office.

- The Bleeding Heart (red ribbon) received for exceptional display of emotion and empathy during a tour of the victims of the Tsunami which devastated Asian countries in 2004. Livni's outpour was so convincing that the local press dubbed her "The Queen of Cry" for her unparalleled ability to cry convincingly and instantaneously.

On the right, from top to bottom:
- The Oslo Peace Award for conducting negotiations with genocidal terrorists; The Camp David Award for negotiating from a position of weakness; The Award of the Paper, for extracting a piece of paper signed, perhaps, by a U.S. President stating that Israel has, under certain conditions, a right to exist; Three badges of merit from the Order of St. Rabin given for Livni's total and unquestioning loyalty to the idea that wishful thinking and a good hair-do is the best way to run a country.

Related:
If you haven't noticed, the Foreign Office has already begun to turn itself into a ministry of grotesque tourism:

Prodi in Sderot, Diplomatic corps briefed by FM Livni and IDF at Erez, British Ambassador to Israel Tom Phillips visited Sderot, EU Foreign Policy Chief Javier Solana in Sderot.

Makes you wonder who's next? My suggestion - how about dragging the editors of Ha'aretz, Yediot and Maariv, the three Israeli dailies, along with their partners in television, for a visit. A really long one, like- forever...

Don't miss our exclusive interview with Tzipi : Livni To ISL: "I'm Proud To Be A Wimp!"

Update: DryBones, coming fresh off the Jerusalem conference, has something to say about Tzipi. It's not flattering.... see: His Place Setting.

Feminism Originated in Islam Says Radical Muslim Feminist

2008-02-18T23:02:00.004+02:00

ISL – London

Mad at the English public for completely and often willfully misunderstanding their religion, liberated Muslim women are now striking back.
Led by the Muslim Feminists Association in London, these women are determined to show the Western culture they live in that the noble values of Islam have preceded those of the West by millennia, especially in the realm of feminism.

"We find it ridiculous that Western media try to preach to us about human rights for women," Says Um-Jihad, mother of ten from London and member of the Association, "When everybody knows that Islam gave them to us ages ago. For instance, we have had the right to refuse marriage for over a thousand years. A whole millennium before Western women even began thinking about it," said Um-Jihad, "Although, to be sure, why would any woman refuse to marry the man that her own parents have found for her? What woman would be so unashamed as to cruelly and ungratefully reject the advice and the express wishes of her parents who gave her life and nourishment when she was only a troublesome, worthless baby girl, when they would have been perfectly within their rights to strand her and leave her to die, buried in the cold, dry sand?
"It goes beyond saying that no Muslim woman would do such a thing. We are not Western hussies," says Um-Jihad,who continued her tirade against Western misconceptions:

"Yes, Islam has given us the right to divorce. Moslem women have had that right for centuries. But that doesn't mean you should go ahead and break up your family the minute things don’t go exactly your way, does it now? After all, who will provide for the children? Who will fend off other men? I mean, why make such a fuss over a slap or two from your husband? Between me and you, chances are that you deserve it," said Um-Jihad, who denied that Muslim women are deterred from seeking divorce for fear they will be murdered.

"Poppy-cock" said the Muslim Feminist, "That is part of Western propaganda against Islam. Sure, our men are hot-headed sometimes and they are apt to lose control but that is just the way they are. Even if they do murder their wives from time to time, why, they are well within their rights – they have rights too you know - and anyway, it is better than your weak, miserable, pathetic Western men, who do not know how to handle their women.

"Women are far better off in Islam because Muslim men are real men, who know how to treat a women right. Women need to get slapped around a bit. It is good for us, believe me. That is why so many Western women are now looking desperately for Muslim husbands. All the rights in the world are not worth anything without a real man in the house."

Um-Jihad lauds Muslim Feminists who, ages ago, fought for the right of women to not run for office, not drive a car, not vote and not have any legal rights in a court of law "Our fore-mothers understood that life is complicated enough without women getting in the way of their men. That is why we fought for the right to remain in our homes, covered from head to toe. That way we can be ourselves and no one can stop us. How can a woman ask for any more freedom than to be herself?" asked Um-Jihad.

"Look at your Western women with their so-called rights – are they any happier than I am? I have a wonderful husband, who is so good at his job that he has been forced into hiding from the Zionists for the past eleven years and ten glorious kids – two of whom have already killed dozens of infidels in Iraq, before going to their heavenly paradise and Insh'Allah, and two more committed sons on the way. So, you tell me, can life get any better for me as a wife and a mother - as a woman?
"I have a successful husband, kids who, despite growing up in the decadent West, know the difference between right and wrong and are willing to give up their lives for their ideals – I mean, what more can a woman wish for?"

Hmmm. She nearly has me convinced , this Muslim Feminist. Sure sounds like the life to me. Now, if only I could get my wife to listen to reason…

Hat tip: JudeoPundit who brings us this hilarious piece: "MPAC-UK: Letter from a Sharia suffragette"

Related:
UN Human Rights Council Praises Iranian Policy of Stoning
This satire post also has some links about the terrible situation of women in Islam and the lack of any response from Feminists in the West.

The silence of the feminists from the Age

Not Enough Violence in Palestinan Media, Classrooms, Experts Warn

2008-02-17T21:21:00.004+02:00

ISL – Gaza

Recent research conducted by the Palestinian Institute for Reform in Education (PIRE) is causing a stir in Palestinian society. The research, whose main findings were published in the Hamas paper of note, "The Daily Beheading", ("All the infidels fit to kill"), blames Hamas for failing to reform Palestinian education as it promised before the elections, causing the level of Palestinian violence, especially among the younger generation, to reach an all-time low.

According to the research, conducted by Gamal Abu-Hussein, Professor of Propaganda at the Gaza University and his colleague, Dr. Nizar Shibli, a child psychologist who specializes in inducing violent psychological disorders in preschoolers, the current generation of Palestinian children, aged 3 to 18 are the least likely to become suicide bombers, the least likely to actively seek and kill infidels, and the least likely to kill their sisters, compared to previous generations.
"We are witnessing a full blown, unmitigated educational disaster," say the researchers, "The ripple effects of the lack of violence are already being felt, with a noticeable dip in honor killings and the resulting prostitution of our women, some of whom have become so daring as to openly flaunt their uncovered alluring noses in public," says Abu-Hussein.

How do the researchers square the evidence of hundreds of thousands of Palestinians at the Hamas rallies with their research?

"Easy," says Abu-Hussein, "Anyone can come to a rally and scream silly slogans like 'Destroy the Little Satan', 'Annihilate the Big Satan', 'Kill the infidels' and so on for ten straight hours. The question is, how many of these die-hard Hamasniks actually get off their fat asses and do something about it?," asks Abu-Hussein, who concluded, "According to our research – precious few."

For instance, out of a sample of ten thousand school-age children in Gaza 99.9 percent agreed that Israel must be destroyed and the Jews raped and killed mercilessly. However, less than one percent actually volunteered to become suicide bombers and the majority of those were volunteered by their families, "The truth is that the volunteering spirit of Palestinian children is at an all time low," the researchers admit.

But if the situation is indeed so desperate – can anything be done?
"Certainly," says Dr. Shibli, "Science has given us everything we need in order to overcome this crisis. It is well known that exposure to violence and abuse at a young age will result in violent behavior at all stages of childhood and beyond. According to our research, the only problem has been that Palestinian children have been underexposed to violence due to negligence and an undue sensitivity of the Hamas educators.

"For instance, using cartoon characters to depict violence as the Hamas has done repeatedly is, in the final analysis, ineffective. Children perceive the violence as unreal and dismiss it out of hand. In fact, television is one of the worst ways to encourage violence since it is always second hand, unreal and therefore ineffective. If you ask me – television is ruining Palestinian society," said Dr. Shibli.

"Anyway," continued the Doctor, "In our laboratory experiment we dressed one child as an Israeli soldier, strapped him to an electric chair, and let the subjects – children aged three to ten years old - electrocute the so-called Israeli. The higher the voltage, the more screams were induced by the subject, and the more praise he received. Every additional 100 kilowatts of power administered to the "Israeli", the subject received some candy. At the end of the training course the children were itching to get their hands on an Israeli and hurt him. In fact, out of frustration they started hitting each other!" said the beaming Dr. Shibli.

"So clearly, we have here an educational technique that cannot miss. Our children will be raised to be just as violent, fanatic and blindly aggressive as their forefathers. Our traditions will be upheld and Palestinian society will be stronger than ever."

"But what about the children who got electrocuted?" I asked Dr. Shibli
"Yes, well, the system still isn't perfect," said the child psychologist, "Although there is a chance they will live. But, like they say, "You can't make a Palestinian without breaking some kids."

Related:

"Palestinian promotion of child martyrdom" from The Palestinan Media Watch ,(scroll down) which has an exhaustive supply of Palestinian insanity. If you need to throw up, I think this site will help you! Lots of videos from Hamas TV, transcripts, crazy cartoons - all the hatred and bigotry on full display. Enjoy!

Joint Statement on the Impact of Entertainment Violence on Children - Congressional Public Health Summit from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Hamas Begins "No Child Left Alive" Educational Program

How Many Palestinians is One Palestinian?

2008-02-14T20:00:00.003+02:00

ISL – Gaza
The question raised in the headline is not a joke. In fact, it is an important philosophical and mathematical question whose answer may determine the fate of Israel and the entire Middle East.

This puzzling issue has come up again with the recent publication of the 2007 Palestinian census conducted by the Central Bureau of Islamic Statistics. According to the census, the number of Palestinians currently residing in the West Bank and Gaza is slightly below 56 million people – almost ten times the entire Jewish population of Israel. If true, these numbers spell disaster for Israel which will find it increasingly difficult to survive and impose its desire to exist upon such a large and hostile neighboring population .

Some experts though have cast doubt on the veracity of the data and the techniques used to compile it. For instance, Professor Ettinger points out that the 1997 census reported only 2 million Palestinians, so that the updated number represents an impossible rate of growth, "This means that the Palestinians are multiplying faster than lice," said Ettinger, "Every Palestinian woman from age 5 to age 70 must have been giving birth to twins every two months in order to achieve this growth."
Ettinger concluded, " The numbers just don't add up. If you ask me, something is fishy."

But is it possible the Palestinians are lying?

"No!" says Head of the Central Bureau of Islamic Statistics, Shiekh Amin El-Salam, who insists that he conducted the research according to the strictest rules of Islamic statistics. For instance, a great debate was conducted concerning the question how to count the Palestinians.
"Obviously it is inconceivable that one would count Palestinians the same way one would count infidels. There is no way on earth that we could do that," said the Shiekh, "The question we faced was: what is the appropriate, statistically Islamic way of counting the Palestinians?"

This question was raised in numerous meetings of the expert statistics staff, consisting of some of the brightest theological minds in the Palestinian Authority. Some Muftis said that each Palestinian is worth twice as much as any Jew, while others insisted that the number should be a ten to one ratio since anything less would be a humiliation of the proud Moslem spirit, "After months of deliberation, our statisticians came up with a formula which brings into account the intrinsic value of each Palestinian, the less than zero value of infidels, the political value of a higher count population and the chances of any one calling us out. To this number we randomly added fifty million and that was it."

But after the formula was reached one final question still remained: Who should conduct the survey itself?
A short but fierce battle was fought between the rival factions of Hamas and Fatah in order to gain the right to participate in the historical event, "A census is an authentic and important expression of our Palestinian people-hood," said the sheikh, "Which is why it was vital to exclude the Fatah traitors from the proceedings."

After seizing complete control of the census and with the new formula in hand, yet another question was raised: why bother?
"Since we had already Islamically determined how many Palestinians there are, some people said that there was little point in wasting money on doing the actual survey," said Sheikh Amin, "And after a short deliberation we indeed decided that it would be a shame to waste the ten million dollars the European Union gave us to conduct the census on actually carrying it out, when we had already determined the results thanks to the Koran. It was decided that in this case , the proper way to use the money would be to reduce the number of Jews, which is actually also a very important, complimentary part of the Palestinian census, so really, the Europeans are getting their money's worth either way."

Yeah, I bet it went down something like this.

Related:
Yoram Ettinger: PA Continues to Lie About Demographic Threat from INN.

Gaza census bureau at center of Hamas-PA dispute over survey from Ha'aretz

Demographic Threat to Israel Grows by Another 5% Experts Say

Can Flying Pigs Save Sderot?

2008-02-13T16:22:00.003+02:00

ISL – Sderot

In a last ditch effort to save the desert city of Sderot, the beleaguered inhabitants have decided to take matters into their own hands, "It is obvious that the Israeli government cannot or will not help us, so we are on our own," concluded Mayor Eli Moyal.
The city, which enjoys the overwhelming support of Israelis and Jews around the world, except for the Israeli government itself, is now examining cost-effective ways of combating the daily terror from Gaza.

One idea that came up in the town meetings is to build giant catapults that will fling pigs into the Gaza Strip. The animals are considered unclean by Moslems and may deter them from continuing the attacks, "If for every rocket they launch, a pig will land on their heads, maybe they will think twice," said the mayor.

Another idea has been to hire an Arab gang of thieves and murderers in order to combat the Palestinian terrorists residing in Gaza, "No one cares if Arabs kill each other so this would be an ideal solution to our problem," said Mr. Moyal, "The only problem is that for the past decade or so the Israeli government has cornered the market on violent, blood-thirsty Arabs, arming them, training them and paying them exorbitant sums of money so that they will protect Israel from violent, blood-thirsty Arabs."
Moyal said that the new city-state of Sderot cannot afford to match the funds that such gangs receive,

"If the most experienced and reliable gang in this field, the Fatah, can charge billions of dollars for their services, than even the most unreliable, low life, pathetic Arab gang of incompetent murderers will ask for, and receive, a princely sum."

At the moment, a cheaper alternative and a more feasible one may be to hire a Marine Corps battalion to do the job, "Considering how quickly the Americans dismantled the Iraqi Army, it would probably take a small force of Marines no more than a week to disrupt the small terrorist operation in Gaza," said a municipal security expert.
The cost of hiring such a battalion for a week is prohibitive but is still less than the cost of hiring Arab criminals to protect Sderot.

Mayor of Sderot said that the city will begin a world-wide fund-raiser in an attempt to raise the 250 million dollar down payment required to engage the services of the Marine battalion, "If the Jewish people unite and open their hearts and pockets, the Jews in Sderot will finally have a defense force," said the Mayor, "After thousands of years in the Diaspora it will be like a dream come true, even if it will only be for one week: The age-old picture of a harassed, defenseless Jew will be replaced by a proud, valiant, American Marine."

Meanwhile, in Jerusalem, Prime Minister Olmert reacted with approval to the Sderot Campaign, "Personally, I don't blame them," said Olmert, "I just wonder what took them so long. After all, isn't it about time they stopped kvetching and took their fate into their own hands? " asked the Prime Minister.
"I am glad that they finally realized that Israel cannot be a nanny state forever. The government has a lot of things to do besides defending citizens from foreign armies. I mean, sometimes the people just have to do some things for themselves, such as defend themselves from existential threats."

Olmert also admitted that the apparent secession of Sderot was a relief, "The city was becoming a serious embarrassment to me and my government, so I'm really happy the Sderot nightmare is over,' said Olmert, "And I sincerely wish them success in their struggle to survive. In fact, just to show everybody that there are no ill feelings between the Israeli Government and Sderot, I am willing to personally pledge one thousand shekels from my own personal, government expense account for the noble and just cause of defending the city."

Sigh. With this kind of government, who needs enemies?

Related:
'Let's make our own rockets' from the Jpost. Under the circumstances, not so far-fetched, is it?

Correlating Palestinian Aid and Homicides 2000-2007 amazing article from CAMERA. You'll never guess the direction of the correlation...

The world's most astute Middle Est analyst on the same subject: Fund the Palestinians? Bad Idea.

Israeli Government Hits Palestinians with Harsh Concessions After Sderot Attack

Beilin Peace Martyrs Threaten Reconciliation in Hebron

2008-02-12T15:25:00.000+02:00

ISL – Hebron
Tensions rose in the West Bank city of Hebron yesterday following a successful meeting between Jewish and Arab inhabitants of the city.
The city's Arab leaders, sheikhs Abu Khader Jabri and Haj Abu Ahram Abu Sneina, met with local settlers in an attempt to reconcile their differences and return to a normal mode of life after years of violent, bloody peace, "We are sick of peace," said Shiekh Jabri, "All we want is to return to the calm and good life we all enjoyed before this cursed peace broke out fifteen years ago."

Shiekh abu-Sniena added that as far as his people are concerned, they welcome the Jewish inhabitants of the city, "This holy city belongs to both peoples," said the Shiekh. The cordial meeting ended with a mutual feeling of satisfaction and optimism, "There is no reason Arabs and Jews cannot live together as long as we stick by each other and restrain the radicals on both sides," said Katzover, Head of the Regional Council.

Unfortunately, the new, local peace initiative faces a determined opposition. Immediately following the meeting, Beilin's Brigade of Peace Martyrs scattered leaflets in the city, promising dire consequences to all the participants. David "Abu-Noah" Kaufman, spokesman for the radical organization, said that real Peace is made by leaders of countries and licensed terrorist groups meeting in exotic resorts in foreign lands, not by local citizens meeting with each other in order to resolve their issues,

"These kind of meetings must be stopped since they will only bring the illusion of Peace to the inhabitants who are bound to be terribly disappointed," said the spokesman.
In a humanitarian effort to save the citizens of Hebron from a devastating let-down, Leftist organizations have already promised to cause as much mayhem and havoc in the city as possible, "Some houses and shops will be burned and some innocent civilians may likely be injured or killed in the upcoming Peace riots but it is for their own good," said Kaufman, who promised that hundreds of Peace activists from all over the world will answer the call to save Hebron, "the City of Their Fathers" from the prospect of unauthorized, illegitimate peace, "Whatever happens the media will blame the settlers so we are not worrying about a PR disaster for us,"said Kaufman.

"True Peace cannot be achieved as long as Jews remain in the city," added Kaufman, who condemned the Arab leaders for conceding a Jewish prescence in Hebron, and thus completely misunderstanding the most basic concepts of real Peace, "After twenty years they still don't get the idea. Is it any wonder that we have to work so hard to save these poor, ignorant Arabs from themselves?" asked the spokesman.

The Beilin Brigades of Peace Martyrs are a military group of Peace activists closely affiliated to the Israeli political party called "Meretz". They are named after the first Peace Martyr, Yossi Beilin, who spent three weeks in a log cabin, deep in the Norwegian forest, alone, with the deceased PLO leader, Yasser Arafat, in an attempt to formulate the historic Oslo Accords.
Beilin himself however, continues to deny any connection to the group.

Members swear allegiance to the Oslo Accords and the Beilin Doctrine which calls for continuous, high level and ultimately pointless meetings between liberal, self-hating Israeli- Ashkenazi Jews and rich, corrupt, Westernized Palestinians in an attempt to spend as much time as possible out of the country, preferably somewhere nice in Europe.

Hat tip: The Bookworm, who does not see these leaders living that much longer.

Related:
The original article from INN: Historic Peace Meeting in Hevron

Head of Settler Terrorist Cell Nabbed in Hebron

Olmert Promises 72 Immaculate Prosthetic Limbs to Sderot Peace Martyrs

2008-02-11T18:05:00.000+02:00

ISL – Berlin

Taking timeout from his winter vacation in Berlin, Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert, addressed the crisis in Sderot, where two children were severely wounded in the sudden, twenty thousandth, five hundred and forty fifth mortar attack on the city. Olmert praised the bravery of the children and declared them "Peace Martyrs" who are now eligible to receive the promised 72 mint condition, "virgin" prosthetic limbs and body parts that each Jewish Peace Martyr is entitled to according to the Gospel of St. Rabin (Ch. 5, 23), which states that the faithful sheep will reap the rewards of Disability Pension for Life (200 NS! A month!!) and seventy two of the best prosthetics money can buy.

"For every vile Palestinan rocket, we will answer with a Jewish Peace Martyr," said Olmert who also vowed that the Israeli Martyrs wll not lack for limbs or other body parts, "Instead of two legs, we will give them twenty, instead of one spleen, they will have ten! Instead of one head they shall have three!! Instead of ten fingers they shall have fifty; in short, they will get seventy two new body parts or my name isn't Olmert!" cried the Prime Minister, who also promised to monitor the child's progress closely once he (Olmert) returns from Germany, "What's his name will be like a brother to me from now on," Olmert said.

Olmert also expressed his sincere regrets that he himself could not give his life or at least one of his body parts for Peace, claiming that his security guard will not allow him to endanger himself,

"The head of the security guard told me he would quit if I ever try to ride a bus," said Olmert, "When I suggested maybe sitting in a coffee shop, or visiting the Shuk just to show that I'm one of the people he nearly fainted. According to security protocol the only safe places for me are my office and my house, which have both been reinforced with extra thick steel. Fortunately, I am also allowed to go any place outside of Israel, which is why I spend so much time out of the country – it makes life a lot easier for the security people," Olmert explained, "But, still, sometimes I envy the carefree life of the common people, like the lucky people in Sderot."

In Sderot, the mother of the two Peace Martyrs admitted that she couldn't have been happier, "I am as proud as any mother could be for sacrificing her children for the sake of make-believe peace and Olmert's media spin," said Aliza, "The only thing that would make me happier is if the d#$%^%%$ rocket would have fallen on my head and killed me instead. That would have been true joy. But you can't have everything in life," said the courageous mother who is so happy she hasn't stopped crying for the past two days, "I can't help it," she said, "I'm just overcome with joy."

Am I bitter? You bet I am. How can one not be?
Middle East expert Daniel Pipes has said more than once that the only cure to Western stupidity, naiveté and gullibility in the face of radical Islam is death. He calls it "Education by Murder".

It seems like a pretty good idea, but it is apparent that in Israel this just isn't working. But if we cannot learn from death, then what can we learn from? I mean, what is worse than death? (No, don't tell me - I really would rather not know)

On the other hand, maybe murder is effective, just everyone has his own pace of awakening - such as this kibbutznik from the Gaza border who is now advocating...well, see for yourself on the Haifa Diary, which brings excerpts from a letter: More and More Kassams.

Related:
From yesterday:Israeli Government Hits Palestinians with Harsh Concessions After Sderot Attack.

From Ynet, A report on the children's condition.

Israeli Government Hits Palestinians with Harsh Concessions After Sderot Attack

2008-02-10T14:27:00.000+02:00

ISL - Jerusalem
In an emergency meeting following the tragic injuries sustained by two Sderot children, Olmert promised the nation revenge, " We will reach all terrorists wherever they are," vowed Olmert, "And when we find them, we will talk to them, we will concede everything we have and hopefully we will be able to make peace with them."
Olmert made it clear that defending Israel is not an option, " I was elected on a platform of make-believe peace combined with a real neglect of the welfare of Israel," Olmert said," How would it look if I now reneged on my campaign promises? Who would ever trust me again?" Olmert asked.

However, Olmert emphasized that he is truly touched by the plight of Sderot citizens and other communities near Gaza who are now suffering from the results of the Disengagement which Olmert supported and engineered, "I don't want people to get the wrong impression of me being callous and insensitive - on the contrary, I care deeply about what is happening to this country," said Olmert, "Which is why I absolutely must take a vacation - I just can't stand this terrible reality anymore," said Olmert, who begins his vacation in Berlin tomorrow. Olmert advised Sderot residents to do the same, "There is nothing like a good vacation at the taxpayer's expense to clear your head and get away from all the troubles at home," said the Prime Minister, "In my decades of public service this remedy has never failed me."

Despite this solid advice, hands-on Minister of Defense, Ehud Barak took a different approach, courageously going to visit Sderot to assess first hand the damage done to the city and to the inhabitant's morale. Unfortunately, his entourage was unable to locate the small desert city and ended up in Kibbutz Ein-Gedi instead. Arriving in the evening,

Barak crashed the weekly kibbutz meeting, commandeered the microphone and lectured the stunned kibbutz members, admonishing them for complaining about their conditions when, in reality, their situation was actually better than most places in Israel, "I wish the whole country had it as well as you do," said the Minister of Defense who also admonished the Israeli media "Who exaggerated everything and have it all wrong as usual."

Several people who tried to disrupt the speech and inform Barak that he was not in Sderot were mistaken for settlers and were quickly whisked away by his security guards. They will stand trial for sedition, rebellion, and attempted murder.

Meanwhile, in retaliation for the attack on Sderot, IDF forces attacked a large hole in the ground near Beit Hanoun in the Gaza Strip, which was seriously wounded . Later reports from the Palestinians confirmed that the hole was killed. Thousands of Palestinians were seen mourning the hole and vowing revenge. The hole's brother, a nearby shallow furrow was also hurt during the raid. The Ministry of Defense released a statement praising the operation but warning that there are still hundreds of dangerous holes in Gaza, "We will find every terrorist hole and destroy it," Barak promised, although he admitted that the origin of the violent holes remains a mystery.

Related:
Batya from Shiloh Musings says it best "Don't Blame the Kassams!"

The report from INN and the reactions from everybody.

Sderot residents, hundreds of protesters block J'lem entrance from Ha'aretz. It's nice that they are protesting but they really should be kicking themselves - they overwhelmingly voted for Olmert and Peretz in the last elections, even though their anti-Zionist stance was openly and clearly stated. Read about it here: Sderot Aftermath- Revisiting The 2006 Election Day Vote.

Let this be a lesson: A government that will not defend settlers, will also not defend any other Jew no matter what his political opinions or religious preferences are. We saw this in the recent Lebanon War and we see it everyday in the South.

UN Human Rights Council Praises Iranian Policy of Stoning

2008-02-09T19:44:00.000+02:00

ISL – New York
In a special session dedicated to the celebration of human rights in Iran, Ahmad Sallah the Libyan Chairman of the United Nation Human Rights Council heaped praise on the record of the Iranian regime, "The manner in which Iran views human rights accurately reflects the policy of the council," said Ahmad Sallah, "As most council members are aware, reconciling the prerequisites of a dictatorship with basic human rights for one's subjects is one of the most difficult challenges that despots face all over the world. Considering the fact that dictatorships traditionally have other priorities to work through before addressing the needs of the common people, the Council finds it noteworthy that the regime in Iran has consistently been on the forefront of authoritarian countries striving to introduce human rights into the daily life of their subjects."

The Council specifically addressed a recent case in which two sisters were sentenced to stoning after being convicted of adultery. According to our sources in Iran, the two sisters were out walking in the capital, Teheran, when one of them stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk. A man who was passing by held out his hand to steady the faltering woman, who thanked him and went on her way. The whole sequence lasted less than thirty seconds but , unfortunately for the women, it was taped by a private investigator hired by the woman's suspicious husband. Using the newest technology and the oldest ideas, the husband was able to prove that the woman needlessly pressed her hand onto the man's arm for a good extra five seconds. It was also shown that their eyes met for a long, clearly sexual moment of time, which, according to the husband, "lasted an extremely painful eternity". In light of the overwhelming evidence the court had no choice but to rule that the woman had knowingly and shamelessly committed adultery. She was sentenced along with her sister, who was an accomplice to the act, to ninety nine lashes, the minimum sentence required by law in such a case.

The Council said that the tolerance exhibited by the Iranian court was extraordinary, "For one thing," said Chairman of the Council, "They had a trial! In my country, the woman would have been shot immediately," said Mr. Sallah.
The Council praised both the implementation of due process in a case in which the outcome was obvious from the start and also the leniency of the Iranian court for administering a mere 99 lashes,

"In Sudan they would have got 300 lashes and 25 years in jail," said Deputy Chairman, General Khalil Bashir, third cousin of Sudan leader Field Marshall Umar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir.

However, as chance had it, a mistake was made by the Iranian courts and it was discovered only after the sister's had received their lashings that the correct ruling for such a case is death by stoning and not 99 lashes. The courts immediately notified the two sisters and apologized profusely for the mistake, "The women distracted the judges with their incessant flirting" said a press release from the Teheran Courts of Islamic Justice, "And thus caused the regrettable mistake. The offense will be added to their record."
According to their attorney the two sisters were enormously relieved that the lashing they had received was all a terrible mistake, "I knew I was innocent," said the accused, although the news of her upcoming stoning somewhat dampened her enthusiasm.

"The stoning is considered an act of mercy in Islam, since the punishment will cleanse the women's souls and enable them to spend eternity in heaven," explained Saudi representative to the UNHRC, Shikh Fawzi Abdullah, "Thus, far from being a cruel means of punishment, as biased Western observers may suppose, it is actually the best thing that could have happened to the two women. It is an extraordinary case of the compassionate application of human rights by the Iranian Courts."
Accordingly, the U.N Council has booked seats for the stoning, scheduled to take place next month, "It will be an honor for the Council members to participate in the stoning in person and thus recognize the Iranian contribution to human rights while also giving each representative a concrete opportunity to stone a vile adulteress and thus contribute to the advancement of human rights which is, after all is said and done, what the UNHRC is all about, isn't it" asked the Libyan Chairman, Ahmad Sallah.

Sadly, this is what human rights look like when the worst offenders in the world are running the show. Poor Iranian Women!!
A pity Western Feminists are too busy selfishly condemning the petty offenses of Western Patriarchy or Israel to actually bother with defending women's rights where it is most needed.

Hat tip: "Iranian Barbarism Watch: Two Sisters Condemned to be Stoned to Death......." from the Tundra Tabloids, which also has the telephone numbers of the Iranian embassy if you would like to tell them what you think of this barbarism.

Related:
Iranian sisters face stoning for adultery: report from AFP

Women In Islamofascist land (a short but enlightening excerpt of a visit to Saudia) from one of my favorite sites: Democratic Peace.

And if you are wondering where are the Feminists, then, you are not alone - so is David Horowitz from the indispensable FrontPageMag who writes: A Response to Feminists on the Violent Oppression of Women in Islam.

Olmert Gets Off Easy Because of "Peace Syndrome" says Winograd Member

2008-02-06T22:55:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
In an interview given today to the Israeli daily "Maariv", Professor Dror, a prominent member of the Winograd committee, admitted that it let Olmert off the hook because the Isreli PM is suffering from what has become known as the "Peace Syndrome".
In Israeli law, a plea of "Peace Syndrome" is similar to the function of the insanity plea in other Western countries. In fact, it is actually a specific case of insanity plea in which the defendant pleads to be irresponsible for his actions due to his pursuit of peace.
The peace plea was first used by Izthak Rabin who used it to completely reverse his election platform after the elections. Rabin's case reached the Supreme Court where prominent psychiatrists managed to convince the court that Rabin suffered from "Peace Syndrome" or "Peace Disorder" and therefore cannot be held responsible for his political actions.
Since then the Peace Syndrome has been studied further and it now appears to be similar to the well-known "Messiah Syndrome" where the afflicted tune out the world and focus on an inner voice which prompts them to act out their religious fantasies, except that here the patient is trying to act out a childish fantasy of peace: "Many adults who assume greater responsibility than they can possibly handle, break down and retreat into an imaginary, peaceful world where they do not have to worry about a thing," said Dr. Schmidt the foremost peace-related disease expert in Israel ,

"Politicians are especially vulnerable to this disease, particularly if they already are in the habit of avoiding reality, as many of them are," explained the expert.
Since the first outbreak of the Peace Syndrome, which occurred in the early 1990's, Israel has seen several prominent public figures succumb to the mysterious disease such as Ehud Barak, Ariel Sharon and now - Ehud Olmert.
Following the precedent set by the Rabin case, Olmert will not and legally cannot be charged for incompetence or malpractice. According to Dr. Schmidt, the best course of treatment is to let the patient act out his fantasy until he snaps out of it, " There is no known cure for the Peace Syndrome," said the Doctor, "Shock treatment and psychotic drugs such as mood stabilizers, stimulants and hypnotics have not been effective in treatment but abrupt changes in the daily routine can be fatal."

Accordingly, Olmert, who looks increasingly weak and fading and keeps reminding me of Gollum, will remain in office. With any luck he will soon fade away completely into his fantasy world, leaving us to clean up the mess he and his peace-afflicted predecessors have made for us. Believe me, that will be a Passover to remember!!

Related:
"The Oslo Syndrome: Delusions of a People Under Siege" from The Middle East Forum.

Olmert Threatens Suicide, Demands Make-Up War

Commissioner Goodell Reveals New England Patriots Spy Network!

2008-02-05T20:35:00.001+02:00

ISL – New York

Can things possibly get worse for the New England Patriots? Just two days after losing Super Bowl XLII and a forfeiting a historically perfect season, League Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that League investigators, in cooperation with the F.B.I. and Interpol, have uncovered a vast, well organized spy network run by New England Coach Bill Belichick for almost a decade.
The investigation terminated on Super Bowl Sunday when law enforcement officials arrested dozens of Patriot spies and informers all over the country as well as an undisclosed number of Patriot's employees who were in Phoenix. As witnessed by millions of viewers, Coach Belichick, sensing that his time was up, tried to make a run for it at the end of the embarrassing loss to the New York Giants. Belichick was easily apprehended by a Phoenix Police Department SWAT team who were expecting the attempt.

The first details to come out of the investigation reveal that an espionage division was secretly established by the Patriots beginning from the year 2000, when Bill Belichick took over as head coach. Starting from simple video taping of opponents, Belichick soon moved on to more sophisticated methods of human intelligence gathering. According to investigators, the Patriots recruited dozens of agents all over the league. Offering vast sums of money to water boys, athletic trainers, dieticians and car valets, the Patriots were able to form a complete picture of every opponent in the American Football League, "They knew what every line man had for breakfast, lunch and dinner for every day, weeks before the game," said Agent Lowry Head of the F.B.I's Sports Section, "They knew where they grew up and how, who their friends were, what they dream about at night and why - anything that could possibly affect their performance and the game itself, even in the most remote manner."

Always a stickler for detail, Belichick also hired a group of former Israeli Mossad agents to gather crucial information about every rival quarterback. Thousands of pages of documents along with videos were found at Belichick's home, detailing the most intimate moments in the lives of elite quarterbacks such as Peyton Manning, Phillip Rivers and Donovan Mcnabb, beginning from birth. For instance,

the Patriots defense watched Peyton Manning commercials for hours on end in order to fully understand the psyche of their opponent, "By the time we got on the field we knew what audibles Manning was going to call even before he did – the sucker never had a chance," gloated one unnamed Patriot defensive back, known only as "Mr. HGH".

Apparently, the Patriots dominance of the league developed alongside the growing reach of their espionage network, "It started from one seemingly innocuous video assistant and grew into a vast network of informers, moles and spies. We still don't really know how far and how deep it goes," said Agent Lowry, "But we do know that the evil genius of Bill Belichick was behind it all."

One of the more recents questions raised concerns the Patriots first Super Bowl victory in which a video assistant apparently taped the Ram's final walk-through. However, it now appears that the Patriots had no need to do so since Ram's Assistant Head Coach and Defensive Coordinator Bud Carson was already a Patriot agent. Carson agreed to supply the Patriots with a copy of the Ram's playbook after his five year old daughter Amy was abducted and held hostage for two weeks. In a videotaped confession, Carson revealed that Belichick threatened to torture and kill his only daughter if he did not do their bidding. Carson has entered the Federal Witness Protection Program.

And there is more: How much did mediocre sixth round draft pick Tom Brady actually know? Is his name really Tom Brady – or is he actually Thomas Von Schloss, the illegitimate offspring of former Nazi leader, Heinrich Von Schloss, who escaped from Allied prison after the war and began a new life under an assumed name, somewhere in South America? Is Gisele Bundchen actually Tom Brady's sister? And is it true that the Patriots kidnap homeless American children and sell them as slaves to Saudi princes in return for cheaper oil?

Today, the NFL has finally given hope to millions of fans around the world that soon we will have satisfactory answers to all of these questions.

Note: I know that this is not regular fare here but I am still obsessed by that awesome game. Let's say this is my answer to Haveil Havalim #152 The Patriots Must Lose Edition from Random Thoughts.

Related:
Belichick Spygate Scandal: Unanswered Questions - a page seriously dedicated to this affair which has yet to even become an affair.

For the really serious reader, Stampede Blue, an excellent Colts blog, has a very good round up of all the recent developments and commentary on this alleged scandal.

Super Bowl XLII Logo Offends Muslims, Sparks Terrorism

Olmert Threatens Suicide, Demands Make-Up War

2008-02-04T15:01:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
In the two-year old struggle between the power-hungry Israeli PM, Ehud Olmert, and the Nation of Israel, Olmert has yet again managed to surprise all observers. In the wake of the final, damning Winograd Report and with his fragile government waiting upon Labor Leader Ehud Barak's decision, Olmert played his final card: after barricading himself in his office in the Israeli Parliament, he super-glued himself to his chair and then called Barak and the media, threatening suicide if he was forced to resign, "Life isn't worth it for me anymore if I am not Prime Minister," a tearful Olmert told reporters, "If Barak decides to leave the coalition, I will kill myself." After issuing the threat a single gunshot was heard, proving that Olmert indeed has the necessary means to carry out his threat.

Under these circumstances, all the pressure fell on Barak's shoulder who had to consider not only the fate of the nation but also the fate of its depressed Prime Minister. After tossing and turning all night and getting advice from friends and polling experts, Barak, who has earned a reputaton as a mathematical and intellectual genius, decided to do the right thing, "In the Talmud it says: 'Whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world' so by my calculations, if I had quit the government, I would have saved Israel," said Barak, "But by not quitting, I am saving a life, which is like saving the whole world, which, obviously, is worth much more than saving just one country, even if it is my own."

After receiving word of the decision, Olmert let firemen break into his office. Olmert himself, though, is still super-glued to his chair and refuses to get out of it, "I am not letting this chair out of my sight anymore," said Olmert, "One close call was enough, I cannot take another."
Barak made the momentous decision over the protests of Labor party colleagues and despite his own election promises, "Promises are made to be broken, everybody knows that," said Barak,

"I mean, what kind of a fool votes for a candidate because of what he promises or says anyway?"

Meanwhile Olmert congratulated Barak on his decision, "It takes a brave man to stay in office despite public opinion and contrary to the good of the country," said Olmert, who promised to make amends for his bungling of the last war, " I learned my lesson," said Olmert, "And just to prove it, I will start another war, a glorious campaign which our professional, revamped Army can surely win, the War against the Settlers!"
Olmert said that the first objective of the Settler War will be recapturing the "Peace House", a property bought by settlers on the false pretenses of giving money to the owner in return for a transference of ownership, "We are sick of all the legal maneuverings of the settlers and the way they constantly manipulate the system," Olmert said, "The only way to vanquish such a slippery, untrustworthy enemy is by force," said Olmert, "Israel will prove that it is has awesome power and that it is willing to use it against its enemies, even when they cynically arm themselves with ideas and values."

After failing in his first war, Olmert hopes that his second , make-up war will be different, "I know I can do better," said Olmert who promised himself that he will not flunk the next war, "I owe it to my mom, God rest her soul. She always said I would turn out a good for nothing goneph," Olmert said, "I guessed I proved her wrong, haven't I?"

Related:
Barak Breaks Promise and Stays in Olmert Governmen t from INN and more from the Jpost.

The Peace House gets windows??!! from INN. What next? A door? Running water?

How badly do the settlers abuse Israel's legal system? Read about it here from INN and also at the Honenu website.

Islamists Promote Disabled Women in Iraq!

2008-02-03T13:59:00.000+02:00

ISL – Baghdad
Islam is often attacked for its patriarchal attitude towards women – the head to toe covering, polygamy, genital mutilation of females and a complete lack of rights in the Islamic legal system have been seized upon by Western, right-wing extremists as examples of the racism, chauvinism and sheer evil underlying radical Islam.
But, undeterred by these shallow critics, Islamists continue to forge a path ahead into the 21st century, for themselves as well as for decadent Western society, which has much to learn from the Islamists' most recent advancement : complete equality for the disabled, including, at long last, disabled women!

This landmark was achieved just two days ago when Islamist activists hired two retarded women for the job of carrying a load of explosives and ball bearings into the busy animal market in Baghdad. Upon arriving at the market, the women's contract was terminated by remote control, incidentally killing and injuring more than a hundred innocent bystanders.
Although it is true that the women did not manage to hold on to their job for very long, prominent Western feminists have reacted favorably to the precedent set by Al-Kaeda terrorists, ""Maybe next time they'll do better," said Beth Goldstein, Head of the "Feminists for Sharia Alliance" which has its headquarters in Berkely (where else?), "The important thing is that people can now see that disabled women can be productive and contribute greatly to Muslim society."

Shiek Kattel Al-Niswan , Head of the Human Rights Section in Al-Kaeda, said that he had lobbied for over a year in order to get the organization to agree to employ disabled women,

"Most Muslim terrorists have an innate distrust of women, especially if they can barely talk or understand what is said to them," said Al-Niswan, "It is a result of a traditional education to which many of them have been exposed,"
the Sheikh lamented.
Shiek Al-Niswan also said that he hopes that the success of the first two female employees will turn the tide against prejudice and discrimination in the Al-Kaeda organization, "Hopefully this will mark the dawning of a new age in which disabled men, women, and children will have an equal opportunity to kill infidels."
The Shiekh also hopes that this successful experiment will pave the way for gay women and men, "I am positive that gay people can contribute greatly to the establishment of a just Islamic society," said Al-Niswan, "It is only a matter of time before they are too accepted as bona fide suicide bombers and then, finally, no one will be able to point a finger at Muslim society and say that we are evil or racist."

OK. Let me get this straight. I imagine that, according to the current rate, disabled women suicide bombers get 72 disabled virgin males, right? So, does that mean that a homosexual suicide bomber gets 72 virgin homosexuals?
And, finally, would that come with 72 bottles of virgin olive oil? I'm just asking…

Hat tip:
"The face of the enemy shows even when he tries to hide it" from the Bookworm Room.

Related:
New, Enterprising Jihad Group Raises Prices on Bombers, Offers Extra Virgins

Israeli Bank Finally Admits That It Stinks!

2008-01-31T13:29:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
A few weeks ago the Jerusalem Post revealed that Bank Leumi is now adding scents to its branches in order to make the customer experience more pleasant. Using a combination of Kugel scent mixed with cholent, Bank Leumi Marketing Department hopes to make its customers feel more at home when they come to the bank. Head of Leumi Marketing, Yonah Peleg explained, "We want our customers to relax and feel that they are among friends and family when they come to our bank."

The move is intended to counter the rising degree of apprehension most Israelis have when they enter the their bank, "For some reason, Israelis get extremely uptight when they enter a bank," said Peleg, "And more often than not unpleasant arguments and fights break out and some branches have even experienced riots while attempting to give service to their customers."
Although Peleg admits that the bank hasn't been able to figure out why this is so, it has taken steps to calm down its customers, "The scent is combined with a mild aerosol tranquilizer called 'BrainDead'," said Peleg, "Research has shown us that tranquilized customers are much more calm and easy to deal with and also, in the final analysis, much more likely to be satisfied with our service."

Independent analysts have praised the move, and Leumi stock has risen 100 points since the announcement was made. Says Baruch Cohen, a long time Leumi watcher and investor, "The ultimate goal of the bank is to separate the customers from their money. In a way this is similar to any other medical operation – it is painful, even excruciatingly so. It's like having your tooth drilled – obviously the customers were agitated."
Cohen says that it is about time Israeli banks took the next logical step and anesthetized their customers,

"It is an easy, practical solution that will change the banking experience forever – no more shouting and shoving, no more awkward scenes – instead, just calm, satisfied customers obediently signing on the dotted line and doing what they're told. It will be banking heaven!"
Despite the initial optimism, experts have raised the important question of how the new policy will effect Bank Leumi's employees. For instance, concerned investors and consumers may question how well the bank's employees will work under such conditions?

And it is here that the answers confirm what we, at ISL, have suspected for years:
According to a newly released statement, it appears that Bank Leumi has been gradually replacing its human tellers with banking androids since 1992! By next year all the banks employees in its local branches will be sophisticated androids programmed to extract the highest amount of money from the customer, for the least amount of services given. It is this technological advancement that has enabled Bank Leumi to show consistently huge profits even when large parts of the Israeli economy and whole segments of Israeli society have been forced to declare bankruptcy.
In the future, it is believed, Israeli banks will strive to replace the annoying Israeli consumer with the "Perfect Customer" android. But until that comes to pass, the banks will make do with the next best thing - the tranquilized human customer.

Related:
Dollars and scents from the Jpost

Israeli Banks Fight Back: Invent New, Preposterous Commissions

P.S. Has anyone noticed this new scent in his branch? I'm wondering how intrusive it is, how it feels and so on. Please share!

Super Bowl XLII Logo Offends Muslims, Sparks Terrorism

2008-01-30T14:46:00.001+02:00

ISL – New York
American football, the most popular sport in the United States, is also the most recent cultural institution to find itself under attack by Muslim groups, who now claim that the inclusion of Roman numerals in the logo is offensive to Muslim sensibilities: "Including pagan numerals in a public event is extremely insensitive," said former terrorist and human rights attorney attorney, Amir Mahmoud from CAIRE, "And it is just another example of the continuing humiliation of Muslims in America and the whole world."

Indeed, the logo fiasco has even reached Gaza, where Sheikh Abu-Talul, Head of the Islamic Mujaheedin took time out from killing Israeli citizens in order to express his great discomfort from the logo, "God be praised, I love American football," said the Sheikh, "But, like everything American, it is corrupt and must be cleansed. Changing the logo is our first goal."
The Sheikh has issued a Fatwa forbidding Muslims to watch the Super Bowl unless the logo is changed and encouraging followers of the true faith to disrupt the broadcast and the game itself in any way possible, " At this moment in history, Super Bowl 42 presents the greatest threat to our vastly superior Muslim culture and it must be stopped by all means," said the Shiekh.

Sheikh Abu-Talul added that he hopes to start a football team in Gaza after the current crises is solved, with slight modifications, "Instead of body armor, our Shaheeds will wear their suicide belts and they will attack the enemy defense with their knives and guns. The last team standing will be the winner!"
The Sheikh said that the American custom of not killing people during the game seems odd, "The game is like a battle, except for that small detail which the stupid Americans have left out,' said the Sheikh, who hopes to make a name for himself as a head coach.

Professor Jane Hedgecock from the Institute for the Research of Islamic Sensibilities (IRIS) said that such cultural misunderstandings could have been avoided with the proper consultation,

"Here at the Institute we have compiled a massive list of things that are known to offend Muslims, so there is no reason that a prominent institution like American Football should stumble accidentally into the minefield of Muslim sensibilities."
Prof. Hedgecock said that by the end of the year it will issue the first volume of its ground breaking "Encyclopedia of Islamic Sensibilities". The first volume will concern itself with all offenses to Islam starting with the letter "A" such as "Americans", "Apostle", "Apocalypse", "Aruba" and so on.
If everything goes according to plan, all 26 volumes will be published within the next ten years, with updates issued regularly, "Within a decade, every American will know exactly what do in order not to offend Muslims," promised Professor Hedgecock.

Of course, this great project does not solve the current situation.
In order to do this, the NFL spokesman has already apologized profusely to all Muslim nations and it is rumored that Commissioner Roger Goodel himself will fly this week to Saudi Arabia in order to plead the NFL case before the Monarch and Holder of the Key to Mecca, King Faisal, "It was all an innocent misunderstanding," said the red-eyed Commissioner, "Obviously, the last thing we want to do is to offend one billion Muslims who could, one day, be one billion football lovers."

As a first step towards reconciliation with this violent but sensitive community, the NFL will immediately change the Super Bowl logo, replacing the pagan numerals with devout Arabic ones, "Nobody is forcing us to do this," clarified an NFL spokesman, "It is just a measure of our dedication to minority rights, in this case the minority of one billion Muslims"

New, Enterprising Jihad Group Raises Prices on Bombers, Offers Extra Virgins

2008-01-29T11:56:00.000+02:00

ISL – Gaza

Despite being throttled by harsh Israeli sanctions, which lasted for one whole day, the Gaza economy is as vibrant as ever, led by the fiscal steam engine of Jihad.
In fact, competition is so intense that nearly everyday new Jihadist start-ups are being established, creating a fiercely competitive environment.
For instance, a new group calling itself "Jihad Now" has just launched an innovative marketing campaign, offering better deals than ever on suicide bombings: "Families that offer to sacrifice their sons and daughters can get over 500$ for each successful bombing, depending on the number of infidels killed and wounded" says Chief of Marketing, Osama Al-Baz, who added, "This is the deal of a lifetime."

To sweeten the deal, the maverick group is also offering a raise in virgins to the suicide bombers themselves, "Everybody is offering 72 virgins, " says Al-Baz, "For some reason this has become the accepted standard – but now, with our new offer – suicide bombers can get twice as many virgins of the highest quality, at no risk whatsoever to themselves. Our policy is 'Your satisfaction 100% guaranteed or your money back'."
Al-Baz says that such guarantees have become necessary because of dilettante freelancers who dabble in Jihad hoping to make a quick dinar off of unsuspecting Muslims, "These con-men promise everything but in the end give nothing," says Al-Baz, "They are a disgrace to the honest profession of Jihad and to every decent Muslim terrorist."
Al-Baz is especially proud of the group's television campaign, which highlights numerous satisfied families,

"Of course they are real families – credibility is very important to us," says Al-Baz, "For instance, we have the Hamid family from Shata, who offered their 13-year old retarded son as a suicide bomber – they came away with 500$, and as far as we know their child is much better off now in heaven then he was here on earth, while his family is also much happier – it’s a win-win situation for everybody," says Al-Baz.
The ads also feature Muhammad Al-Dura – the poster boy for Palestinian suffering and sacrifice, "Al-Dura is seen as a role model for Palestinian kids who want to die and become internationally famous. The ad is very effective," says Al-Baz, "And it has brought us so many prospective suicide bombers that recently we have had to turn away those sweet kids – it's such a shame to disappoint the children and not let them kill themselves for their families and their religion," admitted Al Baz, "But this is a business – we can afford only so much sentimentality."

What can I say except: God forbid we ever display such sentimentality to our own children!

Related:
Suicide bombers in Afghanistan are retarded - from Time Magazine.

"Blowing myself is the only chance for sex with 72 virgins" - from Jihad Watch.

Terrorists recruit illiterate, retarded kids from Israpundit

Terrorist Tourism Spurs Recovery of Palestinian Economy

Demographic Threat to Israel Grows by Another 5% Experts Say

2008-01-28T18:04:00.000+02:00

ISL – Tel Aviv

Experts have been predicting for years that a Palestinian population explosion in the West Bank will change the very nature of Israel. Fortunately, those dire predictions have proven false – it seems that contrary to demographic trends mapped out by experts such as Professor Pergula, Palestinian women do not give birth to twenty five children, on average. And they also do not marry at the age of ten. So for now, Israel is safe from that demographic threat. But some experts now say that another, more sinister threat is rising in Judea and Samaria – the dire threat of Zionism combined with Orthodox Judaism.

Specifically, a recent report from the Israeli Ministry of Interior states that the Jewish population in Judea and Samaria has risen by more than five percent in the past year. According to experts, this primitive population is, for religious reasons, opposed to the murder and rape of Jews and Jewish property and as such presents a serious and continuing threat to the very nature of contemporary Israeli society, "There is no doubt in my mind that the demographic threat is imminent – I see it as an ugly dark cloud of Zionist Judaism gathering in the horizon," says Itamar Lifshitz, Regional Coordinator for "Peace Happily Ever After" (PHEA) - an international NGO aiming to adjust life in Israel to the world view presented in children's fairy tales. PHEA is working ceaselessly to alert the Israeli public to the demographic threat while doing its best to counter it.

"There is a saying" said Itamar, " ' He who wants to prepare for Peace Now, must prepare for war with the settlers' and that is what we are doing - we see it as a no-holds-barred, no- prisoners-taken, fight to the Peace. We are throwing at them everything we can –court orders and injunctions, riot police and Palestinian terrorists, triple-double secret agents and terrifying, seditious media exposés .
"And although the recent growth can be considered a setback," said Itamar, "I for one, have no doubt that our pure love of Justice and Human Rights and everything Good and Moral, combined with the political and financial clout of the European Union, the Arab League, the Third World and the Fourth Estate not to mention the Israeli Supreme Court, will eventually win the day," concluded Itamar.

I would not be so sure of that. If the astonishing faith of these young girls is any measure, the ending of this particular fairy tale will not be the one that Peace Now intended...

Related:
The original article from INN

"The Failure of Demographers" an interesting piece from Yoram Ettinger illustrating that due to intense politicization, the state of Israeli Academia is rapidly approaching complete uselessness.
I can't wait till the Left figures out a way to impose the point of view that 2+2 equals 5...

Are Settlers Human? New Study Causes Uproar in Israeli Academia

Olmert: I Accept Full Irresponsibility for the Lebanon War

2008-01-27T14:48:00.000+02:00

ISL – Herzliya
In a passionate key note address which closed the Herzliya Conference, Olmert admitted that many mistakes were made during the war, "The number of foolish mistakes, terrible decisions, and strategic and tactic miscalculations that the government made is truly disgusting," said Olmert, "And as head of the government and following in the footsteps of my predecessors, I am the first to acknowledge and accept full irresponsibility for each and every misstep.
"Make no mistake, "Olmert reiterated, "No matter how bad or how egregious my governments mistakes were, I wish to emphasize once more that under no circumstance do I accept any responsibility for any of them or anything else that happened during the Second Lebanon War or, in fact, anything that happened during my whole tenure up to now or in the future."

Olmert went on to explain that accepting responsibility would be contrary to everything he and his generation were brought up to believe in, "Like the majority of my peers - in politics, in the press or in the courts - I was raised on the tenets of privilege and unaccountability. These are values I believe deeply in and therefore I am greatly offended by the numerous calls for my resignation.
"Resigning as the result of incompetence would be like spitting in the face of our forefathers and trampling all our traditions!" Olmert thundered, "Did Rabin resign when the Peace Treaty he signed blew up in our faces? Did Peres? Do the editors of the newspapers resign when they mislead the public? Do the Supreme Court Judges resign when their decisions costs hundreds if not thousands of lives?
"Of course not," said Olmert, "Such a notion would be ridiculous. I mean, if every one of us had to resign every time he displayed some degree of incompetence, why, could we even call that country our own? Would such a country still be the Israel we know and love? Did Moses resign after mucking about in the Sinai desert for forty years?
"What I am saying is," said Olmert,

"That incompetence and irresponsibility are part of our heritage and I personally am not going to be the first one to defile this great Israeli tradition," said Olmert.

The Prime Minister also accused the media of misrepresenting the facts and inciting the public against his government, "Objectively speaking, the residents of the North have much to be thankful for," said Olmert, "One of the largest expenses for Israeli families is summer camp, and that summer we managed to get all the camps completely cancelled – that's a savings of thousands of shekels right there, and I'm not counting the savings on income tax, which the residents did not have to pay because they couldn't go to work, thanks to the war.
"Also, everybody knows that the family is the building block of the nation, so everything we can do to get families to spend time together – quality time I might add – should be seen as commendable. And that is exactly what we did for two whole months! In fact, I am sure that the families in the North are probably the most cohesive ones in the country, thanks to the war" said Olmert, "Of course, I do not expect anybody to thank me – this is a thankless job - but to go so far as to completely ignore our achievements? That is just a bit too much.

Addressing his government's dire political situation and also his own precarious perch on his seat, Olmert said, "In times of trouble and great political upheaval, I always ask myself, 'What Would Rabin Do?'

" Just the other day I opened Rabinian 2," said Olmert, "Which, you may recall, describes those tempestuous times in which St. Rabin the Impeccable was besieged by his foes and his house was beset from within and from without and it was then that he sent for the Prophet Carmi Gilon who sayeth unto him, and I quote (verse 7), 'Thy government has sinned greatly and the God of Peace is angered. If thou wish to escape the wrath of thy Lord God, many sheep must be sacrificed to Him that Bestoweth Peace upon all.'
"To which St. Rabin answered, 'May God have mercy upon me and my government, but whom shall we sacrifice? No sheep are left in the fold.'
" And it was then" Olmert said, "That, as we all know, The God of Peace performed His second greatest miracle – the Miracle of the Sheep*:
'Verily, sayeth the Prophet Gilon, Look about ye and shed the scales upon your eyes for behold, the Lord of Peace giveth you sacrificial goats in abundance and yea shall beset them and slaughter them and your reign shall be long, for the settlers have sinned against the Lord of Peace and they worship the false god of Zionism.'
To which St. Rabin bowed his head and said. "Amen. May His will be done."

Therefore I say to you now, what was good for Our Rabin, is good enough for me, but where he had one Avishai Raviv, I will have ten and where he had one Yigal Amir, I will invent a dozen. And the people will pity me and the press will protect me and the findings of the Winograd Commission will be like dust in the wind and with any kind of luck I will even manage a second term, just you wait and see!" said Olmert.

* The first and greatest miracle, for those of you who are secular and do not have a copy of the Third Testament in your homes (may St. Rabin have mercy on your souls), was The Miracle of the Hairy Terrorist.

Hat Tip: "Living in Denial" from Gentile Warrior and Kadima Holds Fast to Failure from Israel Jewish News.

Related: The article from INN.

Saint Rabin, as portrayed by yours truly

Best of Middle East Satire Links Issue No. 3

2008-01-25T15:00:00.000+02:00

Welcome to the third issue of ME satire links. As I explained in the first issue, I aim to gather the best satire published on the net in the past week and present it to my readers. In the event that I did not find any from this week - I will go back in time to unearth some gems which, perhaps, have gone unnoticed or at least are worth remembering.
If you know of a ME satire site or a related post that is worthy, please tell me about it in the comments or by email so that others may enjoy it as well.

Note:If you are reading this from a feed you will not be able to see the videos.

This week's picks:

First, a great cartoon about the situation in Sderot. Like they say, a picture is better than a thousand words. I found this page of political cartoons by Steve Greenberg on a "Christians Standing With Israel" website. I never heard of him before but he is a longtime cartoonist and an excellent one at that. Check out his site - there's lots to see there.

An absolutely hysterical piece from Jerusalem Online. Would you believe Ahmadenijad has a stand up routine, and that it's really funny? Click here to find out why Iran needs a nuclear reactor for civilian purposes. I wish I wrote this piece.

Another piece from Arabs who have a sense of humor about themselves. Nice to know such people exist, in Syria of all places! There is a transcript from Memri here and the video itself is here. It's a bit long - ten minutes - but I thought it was pretty good.

A good piece called "Israel Retaliates for Palestinian Reprisals Over Israeli Retribution
Again..." from a liberal website called "Democracy Means You".
I admit that sometimes it really looks like an endless, hopeless, senseless cycle of violence and they do a good job of conveying that feeling . Of course, in the real world, there is a rhyme and reason to such violence but I do not expect liberals to make any intellectual effort to understand this - they are like children, simple and mischievous and should be kept away from the fireplace at all costs, lest they accidentally - on purpose burn the house down...

This is not, strictly speaking, about the Middle East, since it deals with our basic predicament - being Chosen - in a humorous way, from the now defunct satirewire. Read it here.

Ever wondered what a terrorist dating service looks like? Watch this from Yideoz.com to find out:

Finally, something that is really off topic here but I enjoyed it so much I thought it merits mentioning anyway.
Iowahawk wrote a really funny piece this week about some usual shoddy, seditious piece of journalism on the part of the New York Times ("The Truth Is Not An Option!") concerning U.S. Marines, and followed it up with an even better post - kicking off his campaign against violent media personnel with some fabulous posters. I'm sure Israeli media consumers can relate!

And this just in: A last minute submission from Radarsite describing the successful tour of the Saudi Muslim Symphony Orchestra. It's as ridiculous as it sounds...

I hope you enjoyed the third edition of The Best Middle East Satire Links on the Web. Your feedback and suggestions are most welcome!

Related:
Best of Middle East Satire Issue No. 2

Best of Middle East Satire Issue No. 1

Palestinian Head Janitor Threatens to Quit Over Messy Gaza Operations

2008-01-24T12:34:00.000+02:00

ISL – Ramallah

Mahmoud Abbas, the Head Palestinian Janitor for the Ramallah Compound has threatened to resign his position if Israel does not stop the barbaric attacks in Gaza, "I am sick and tired of cleaning up after everybody," said Abbas to reporters, "For years I have been asking people to keep everything tidy – I mean, how hard is it to pick up the street after you bomb somebody?"
Abbas appealed to both sides sensibilities, "Living in a clean, orderly country without unnecessary body parts lying around will make for a much nicer environment for both Israelis and Palestinians," said the pedantic Head Janitor, who did, however, single out Israel for her recent attacks in Gaza, "Israel has really messed up Gaza – I've never seen such a balagan in my life," said Abbas, "Gaza looks worse than the Ramallah police station did after the New Year's Bash and I still haven't finished cleaning up that mess!"

Abbas added that although, strictly speaking, he is no longer responsible for the Gaza Strip, he feels a moral obligation as a Janitor to speak out in this matter, "Any housekeeper can understand that what is going on in Gaza today means more housework tomorrow," said Abbas, "And frankly, I don't think I can take it anymore."

In the photo: A grumpy Abbas cleans up the Ramallah Compound

Related:
Abbas threatens to quit if 'escalation' continues from the Jpost

Apropos cleaning, Mother in Israel has some cleaning advice for you

Israel Admits Cruelty to Terrorists, Apologizes to World

2008-01-23T14:59:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
After cutting off the supply of electricity to the Gaza terrorist base for a whole day, Israel has been forced to back down from the drastic measure after being attacked from all sides for instituting inhuman measures against its murderers.

Israel Foreign Minister, Zipi Livni, apologized to the world and especially to the Palestinian terrorists for the inconvenience that the 24 hour artificial shortage of electricity caused them, "I told Barak that attacking the terrorists would be a PR disaster but he just wouldn't listen to me," said Livni, who was clearly distraught, "Now, instead of working with Abbas on our perfect peace agreement I have to waste time apologizing for things I never did," complained the Foreign Minister, who was forced to postpone a "Peace Weekend" she had planned in the Swiss Alps with her counterpart, Mahmoud Abbas, "It was supposed to be just me and him, alone, together, making peace in a warm, fire lit cabin," Zipi said, "I guess peace will just have to wait another weekend."

Meanwhile, Minister of Defense, Ehud Barak said that although he still thinks the measures were justified he is now proposing a watered down version of them, approved by the Foreign Ministry and backed by major Israeli and foreign NGOs and media outlets, in which Israel will supply fuel, food, basic goods, weapons and ammunition and anything else the Palestinians need or demand. In return, Israel will promise not to attack terrorists ever again, "This seems to me a fair compromise that the world community can accept and most importantly, it will stop Zipi from crying. I just can't stand to see her like that," said Barak.

But despite the favorable decision, Palestinians were still skeptic, "It all depends what kind of weapons Israel gives us and if they are actually ready to stop targeting innocent terrorists," said Ahmad Zuf, a Hamas spokesman, "If they are really willing to let us murder them with impunity then perhaps we have indeed reached a turning point in the peace process. But I'll believe it when I kill it," added the Hamas spokesman.

Hat tip: This depressing post from Bookworm Room

Exchange Rate of Jews and Palestinians Rises Sharply after Gaza Operations

2008-01-22T13:19:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem

For the past 15 years, ever since the Oslo Peace Accords were signed, the exchange rate of Jews to Palestinians has been fixed at a stable 3.2 , meaning one dead Jew for approximately every three dead Palestinians – terms that both sides to the Accords have upheld despite the ups and downs in their relationship. But now, recent Israeli raids in the Gaza strip are rapidly changing the exchange rate and causing havoc with the Palestinian economy. At the time of this writing, the exchange rate is a shaky one dead Jew for every 4.8 dead Palestinians , down from 5.6 at the end of last week.

Since all salaries and goods in the Palestinian Authority are priced according to the exchange rate, the sudden fluctuations have literally brought the whole economy to a halt and are threatening to impoverish tens of thousands of terrorists and the families they support, "We get paid per dead Jew," said Abdallah Hamid, a Hamas employee, "The recent raids make it much more difficult to kill them while raising the price we have to pay to kill each Jew. In the final analysis, if the rate doesn't go down, no one will be able to afford this line of work anymore – and then what will do?"
According to analysts, the entire Palestinian economy is driven by the terrorist industry, which in turn drives the peace sector, the humanitarian aid sector, the drugs and gun running sector, and the sector of being a fourth generation refugee in your own country, "Any blow to the terrorist industry will impoverish hundreds of thousands of Palestinians," warned Eric Cohen, senior analyst at Mutual Independent funds, "With so many people out on the streets and out of a job, who knows to what desperate, violent lengths they will go to make a living?"

Humanitarian organizations are already on the alert, ready to intervene in the event that a crises breaks out, "Condemnations of Israeli brutality and inhumanly Nazi behavior have been prepared and all media outlets are at a standby to deliver the message," said a spokesman for Travesty International, the well-respected, impartial Human Rights group, which is also preparing emergency supplies of humanitarian aid to the hungry population, specifically, a few tons of that nutritious and delicious potassium nitrate.

The Security Council has already issued a pre-emptive resolution, condemning Israel for her barbaric acts of violence and calling for a complete cessation of hostilities and a withdrawal to the 2045 borders:

"The acts that Israel has committed/is committing/will commit are completely reprehensible and the Security Council unanimously condemns Israel for her crimes, whatever they are/will be/were and calls for a complete cessation of hostilities and an Israeli withdrawal to another time in history because we are sick of this charade as much as everybody else," said the announcement.

In Israel, MK Galon accused the government of purposely attempting to destroy the livelihood of the Palestinians, "Obviously, if they have nothing to lose, they will have no incentive to make peace or improve their conditions," warned Galon, "By attacking the terrorists, destroying their bases, killing their chiefs and disarming them, the Israeli government is leaving the Palestinians no choice but to become terrorists," explained Galon, "After all, everyone knows that violence is not a solution."

Funny, isn't it, how the phrase "Violence is never a solution" always applies to Israeli actions but never to her enemies. I wonder why…hmmm....Nope, I can't think of any reason. Can you?

Related:
Palestinians Like Some Bang With Their Coffee

Israel is actually defending it's citizens? Inconceivable! From INN.

Isn't it Ironic?

2008-01-21T16:11:00.000+02:00

Just days after arresting protesters in the city, Olmert visits Sderot and - surprise! - finds that:
"Determination is Increasing in Sderot", according to the article from INN.

Now, isn't it amazing what arresting your critics can do? I bet the people in Sderot were determined - absolutely, irrevocably determined - not to go to jail!

No doubt, the citizens of Sderot lined up in the streets by their thousands, cheering the Great Leader's motorcade and waving flags.

But maybe not. Maybe it went down like I described in this post written many months ago:
Olmert Celebrates Success of Gaza Pullout With Tour of Bombed Communities

Either way, it's ironic, I think.

See also: the post from yesterday - Government Crushes Insurgency in Sderot, Blames Settlers

Government Crushes Insurgency in Sderot, Blames Settlers

2008-01-20T21:22:00.000+02:00

ISL – Sderot

For a brief moment yesterday, Sderot residents, living under a constant barrage of missiles for the past two years, lost their patience with the Israeli Government and spontaneously protested their plight, going so far as to placing responsibility for their insufferable situation directly at the feet of the Israeli Government.
Government forces acting swiftly and decisively, quickly destroyed the threat to the government's self image. In the ensuing security operations, two of the protesters were arrested and the other two sent to bed without dinner.

In light of the new and unexpected insurgency in Sderot, the Government has declared a state of emergency, moving Infantry Division 345 from its regular station on the border with Syria to the city of Sderot in order to counter any additional moves by the insurgency. Division 345 will be backed up by Tank Brigade 456 and the regular police forces in the area. Other Army units in the area are ready to stop training any moment and move post-haste to secure the city of Sderot and battle the insurgents.

Olmert expressed his dismay at the development, saying that Israel could ill-afford an internal revolt at this time, just as negotiations between Israel and the Head Janitor of the Ramallah Compound have picked up, "For the fifth time in the past decade we are on the verge of a historic peace agreement," Olmert explained, "We are really really close to nearly signing an agreement to continue the talks next month," said Olmert, "So this is hardly the time to make demands on the government that could only delay peace even more."
Olmert also said he was surprised at the sudden outburst,

"I don't understand what happened - for two years they suffer quietly and all of a sudden all hell breaks loose?"

Olmert pointed out that under the current contract between the Israeli voters and the Government, it is the duty of the Government to strive for peace and it is the duty of the citizens within the range of the terrorists weapons to die, so that the eventual peace will be worthwhile, "If nobody is dying, what would be the point of all these peace talks?" asked Olmert, "Obviously the citizens of Sderot have to do their job just the same as we are doing ours."

Olmert said that he blamed settler agitators who infiltrated the unsuspecting population and contaminated them with their crazy ideas such as: "Terrorists should be killed - not negotiated with" or that it is not necessary to die for peace.
"I don't blame the citizens of Sderot," said Olmert, "Obviously they have been misled by fanatical Right-wing settlers who somehow escaped our surveillance and infiltrated the city."
According to some sources, the number of Right wing fanatics currently under government surveillance is close to four hundred thousand, "It is possible that one or two got away," said Olmert, "But we will find them – Sderot is surrounded and they have nowhere to go."

In the photo: Olmert runs down a citizen of Sderot in what will undoubtedly become a legendary moment in Israeli political history:

Of course this is based on the unforgettable scene from the Princess Bride. If you haven't seen the movie than do so - it's pure fun, and if you have, why, I'm sure you'll enjoy seeing this video once more:

Related:
Sderot: As Rockets Continue to Fall, Protesters Get Arrested From INN

Hat Tip: Joe Settler

Israeli Government to Issue Free Speech Licenses

2008-01-19T22:23:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
"Due to unprecedented attacks on the very foundations of free speech perpetrated by the fanatical right wing fringes of Israeli society, the Government has been forced to take drastic steps in order to protect the democratic rights of its citizens," declared Israel's Prime Leader, Ehud Olmert the Magnificent.

The Peerless One was referring to an incident in which two Right-wing fanatics attempted to attack foreign media with a pamphlet consisting of unauthorized, and seditious facts about the involvement of the Palestinian Government in terror and incitement. Fortunately no harm was done to Israel as police were on hand to confiscate the pamphlets and save reporters from the confusion that could have resulted from processing conflicting reports.
In another incident, Right-wing militants also tried to publicly display posters with the illegal image of Jonathan Pollard who is serving time for helping Israel survive – an offense so grave, so heinous that his very existence has been denied by the Government.
In yet a further incident, a blogger published a comment so violent, so homophobic and so unfavorable to the government that it does not bear repeating here or anywhere else. In fact - the comment was so terrible that no one actually knows what it is.

Following these unfortunate incidents the Government said that it will begin to issue free speech licenses to eligible citizens, "Free speech is the basis of Israeli democracy," explained Supreme Leader Ehud Olmert, "And for that very reason must be protected at all costs even if it means a small degree of inconvenience to the citizens. Believe me, it is for your own good," said Olmert the Wise.
A spokesman for the new Department of Free Speech said that citizens will be able to apply for eligibility in a simple and straightforward process:

" All one has to do is to arrive at the offices in downtown Jerusalem with all the appropriate documents, including party membership, complete dental and health records, updated psychiatric profile, educational records and records of gainful employment for the past twenty years, as well as a valid subscription to Ha'aretz and drivers license."

Pending the approval of the application, the applicant will swear an oath to abide by the rules of free speech as set forth in "The New Layman's Guide to Free Speech", authored by "A", Head of the Jewish Section in the Israeli Security Service.
An oath of loyalty to the government is recommended but not necessary, "Of course, this being a democracy, no one has to swear loyalty to the government in order to exercise their basic right of Free Speech," said the spokesman, "However it can speed up the process and really why would anyone not want to swear allegiance to Olmert the Omniscient?"

The spokesman added that declaring loyalty to the government will upgrade the Free Speech License to the Gold Star Version which has many benefits, "In addition to complete and unfettered Free Speech*, one also has the added luxury of becoming a Free Speech Deputy and receiving the Badge of Free Speech which one can proudly wear at all times as a sign of excellence in performance of civic duty – the duty of Free Speech."
"Free Speech Deputies also have the right and indeed the duty to apprehend violators of Free Speech," said the Spokesman, concluding, "Free Speech is like a beautiful but delicate flower which must and will be protected at all costs."

Want to bolster Israeli democracy? Want to protect our fragile democracy from those malicious, Right-wing violators of Free Speech? Then Sign up today for your Free Speech License* and start exercising that most precious of freedoms – the glorious and celebrated Freedom of Speech*!

*Terms and restrictions apply – see Free Speech Guide.

Related:
Bush Visit Already Increasing Democracy in Israel!

Mystical Paths on a blogger being intimidated by the Government. Welcome to Israel!

Joe Settler thinks that Jerusalem under the Omert regime is just like Dulac - Perfect! Funny how Olmert reminds everyone of Shrek.

Iran Declares Rhetoric Red Alert as Olmert Issues Threats

2008-01-16T16:58:00.000+02:00

ISL - Jerusalem
Iranian President, Ali Ahmadinejad declared "Rhetoric Red Alert" for the first time since the war with Iraq. The President said that Iranian spokesmen in Iran and throughout the world are prepared to react instantly to any threats from Israel, "Our people are armed with harsh words and they will not hesitate to use them if necessary," warned President Ahmadinejad. The verbal escalation came in response to a series of threats issued yesterday by Israeli PM, Ehud Olmert.
Appearing before the Knesset's Foreign Affairs and Defense Committee, Olmert reviewed the situation with Iran, concluding that Iran is hell bent on acquiring nuclear weapons and destroying Israel.
Upon reaching this conclusion, Olmert issued a series of unambiguous threats toward the fanatical regime in Teheran. Specifically, Olmert threatened to threaten Iran if it did not cease uranium enrichment immediately, "We are losing patience," Olmert warned, "And sooner, rather than later, we will begin threatening Iran in earnest."

Olmert emphasized that Israel could not be more serious in its intentions to threaten Iran, "Obviously, our previous statements have fallen on deaf ears and soon we will have no choice but to make more statements: bolder, harsher, painful statements concerning Iran and its nuclear development plan."
Olmert said that it is unfortunate that the situation had deteriorated so badly, "Israel does not want to threaten Iran," Olmert clarified, "But we will if we absolutely have to."

Olmert said that Israel is keeping all its options open as to what kind of threats will be issued, "We have many threats available to us," Olmert said, "First, we can threaten to threaten, as I just did," Olmert explained.
"Our second option is to issue a specific threat such as, "If you don't stop the enrichment, we will call the CIA and tell them about it."
Olmert said that although no one likes to be a tattletale, sometimes there is no choice.

Other threats include the threat to condemn Iran in public, to castigate Iran, to censor its behavior, to criticize it, to gravely disapprove of its behavior. And - ultimately – to express disappointment with the whole country.
"Basically, we have a huge arsenal of threats at our disposal," Olmert said,

"The question is when to use them so they will be most effective."
Olmert assured the committee members that security experts are working around the clock to ensure that Israel has the best and most modern arsenal of threats to use against Iran, "Defense Minister Barak assured me that he is ready at any moment to issue such an array of empty threats that no enemy could withstand."
Members of the committee expressed their satisfaction with Israel's state of readiness, "There is no doubt in my mind that Israel is rhetorically superior to Iran and that we will prevail in any verbal confrontation between the two countries," said Chairman Tzachi Hanegbi .

According to experts on the Middle East, this is the closest Israel and Iran have come to a full blown verbal conflict since Ahmadinejad rose to power. Analysts now fear that a War of Words between the two countries is inevitable and will raise the price of parts of speech to intolerable heights, " Nouns are expensive enough as it is," said one analyst, "But war could drive the price of speech through the roof."

Funny - I always though talk was cheap in the Middle East! Or maybe I got it wrong? Yes, that’s it, silly me - life is cheap. But words to describe this situation – those are hard to come by!

Related:
Olmert explains the meaning of the word "useless" to the Knesset Foreign Affairs and Defense Committee, from the JPost.

Also: Ahmanedijad Promises to make Israel "A Light Unto the Nations"

Suicide Lecturer Kills 3, Injures 35 in Jerusalem Bombing

2008-01-15T10:52:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
A suicide lecturer blew himself up in a Jerusalem coffee shop yesterday, killing 3 and injuring dozens. Although Israel has known suicide attacks before, this is the first time that a senior lecturer has been directly involved in one. A new organization calling itself "The United Lecturers Front" (ULF) took responsibility for the bombing saying that it was done to protest the horrible neglect of higher education by the Israeli Government.

Senior lecturers have been on strike for nearly three months demanding a raise in pay and improved conditions of labor. The Government as well as the Treasury have refused to meet the lecturers demands and the Prime minister, Ehud Olmert, even swore that he would not give in to the lecturer's "threats and intimidation."

Spokesman for the ULF said that they are protesting the ineffectual leadership of the current Professor's Union as well as the interminable and ultimately pointless negotiations with the government: "The Israeli Government will only recognize force," said the spokesman, "And until we show that we are willing to use violence to achieve a just and lasting solution to the crisis in Israeli higher education, the Government will not take us seriously."

Prime Minister Olmert reacted to the bombing by repeating that he would not bow to any pressure "And most certainly not to acts of wanton aggression." Olmert sent his condolences to the stricken families and promised that his Government would not tolerate any kind of violence on the part of Israel's leading intellectuals, "They have crossed the red line," said Olmert, "And we will deal with these intellectual goons as harshly as possible." Although, in line with Israel's current policy regarding protection of the country's citizens, Olmert did not detail exactly what measures the government will take.

But the Prime minister did commit himself to solving the crisis with the lecturers as soon as possible, "Before the situation deteriorates further." Olmert said that as a result of the new policy, negotiations will be taken over by the experts in the Foreign Office, "They have ample experience in solving violent disputes that at first glance seem beyond repair," Olmert assured the horrified public.

Israeli politicians aired their views: MK Galon, leader of the Meretz Party said that the lecturers were goaded into this act of violence by the government's insensitive educational policies. Leader of the Labor Party and Minister of Defense, Ehud Barak, said that if he were a lecturer he would do the same thing,

"Obviously, due to the terrible conditions they are forced to live in, anyone one would feel and do the same thing," said Barak, "The violent lecturers are just a product of their environment."

The United Lecturers Front also published the name of the suicide bomber: Professor Nadav Cohen, from the Department of Revisionist History in the Hebrew University. Nadav was known for his outspoken stance toward the criminal Zionist state and he worked tirelessly to repair the injustices that Israel's existence has caused. According to his colleagues, the deteriorating conditions of the senior lecturers pushed him over the edge, "The prospect of a reduced paycheck, a smaller office and a higher workload all contributed to his fragile and sensitive state of mind," said the Department Head, "Apparently, when he realized that the strike was going nowhere he decided to take the law into his own hand. Personally, I can't say that I blame him."

Neither can I. Obviously, if we have learned anything from the Oslo Peace Process it is that the only way to solve a problem is to kill other people, preferably Jews, isn't it? Or did I misunderstand?

Related:

The latest on this miserable, annoying strike from INN.

World-Wide Anti-Israeli Efforts Slowing Down Due to Senior Lecturer's Strike

Only 3 Killed and 16 Wounded in Tolerance Festival in Yemen

2008-01-14T15:13:00.000+02:00

ISL – Yemen
Yemenite citizens went out to the streets yesterday to celebrate the Tolerance and Conciliation Festival but returned to their homes extremely disappointed as the number of dead and wounded was less than twenty – far less than prior years.

The festival of Tolerance and Conciliation is celebrated each year in commemoration of the occasion on which the president of the country, Mr. Ali Nasser decided that he could no longer tolerate the existence of his rival, Minister of Defense Ahmed Gazi. In the ensuing festivities, thousands of Yemenites decided to reconcile their fellow man with their Maker. All in all, thirteen thousand were reconciled and tolerated in just two weeks.

However, that was over twenty years ago and the times have changed, some would even say degenerated. Today, hired crews erect stages and put up billboards and the young people of the country dance all night to the beat of Hip Hop star Ahmad Gibril and his Suicide Band or the ever popular Rhythm and Jews band "The Blood Brothers."
Only the older people and the younger traditionalists take the trouble to actually get into the mood of the festival and really tolerate other people and reconcile them and it is they who have been largely responsible for the success of the festival in recent years, in which hundreds of celebrating Yemenites continued their celebration in a better world.

However, it seems that even their authentic enthusiasm has been contaminated with the modern disease of self-indulgence and unadulterated egoism, "Nobody seems to care anymore how many people are tolerated in the festival," said old-timer Abdallah Hatab, a simple trader in virgin sex slaves from the city of Aden, "In our day, we didn't bother to come home before we reconciled ten or twenty other people at least, but our traditions are being ruined," said Abdallah pointing to a nearby McShiekh's , "Western imperialism is robbing us of our heritage and nobody cares," he concluded sadly.

But all hope is not lost for the cherished Yemenite traditions – yesterday, at the height of the festivities, when despair was high and the darkness of modern times seemed to envelope and swallow all, a group of steadfast and loyal Yemenites took over the stage and in one proud burst of old-fashioned tolerance, killed three, and wounded 16 others.
"Hopefully, this is a sign of better days," said the rusty trader, "Perhaps even a return to the great days of Tolerance and Conciliation."

Well, what do us humans have if not our hopes and dreams?

In the photo: A McShiekh's in Yemen. Yet another example of Western civilization shattering the innocence and purity of Middle Eastern culture:

Hat tip: Yemen: "Tolerance and Conciliation Festival" nets 3 dead, 16 wounded from Eye on the World

Settlements Frozen After Bush Visit

2008-01-13T21:32:00.000+02:00

ISL – West Bank

Immediately following President Bush's historic visit to Israel, Jewish settlements in the West Bank have begun to freeze. Although this development was not entirely unexpected, residents are still shocked by the abruptness of the move. For the first time this winter temperatures dropped to zero and worse. Residents from Har Bracha, Beth El and other settlements reported that they are getting colder every second, "We are freezing here," said Meir Levy from Har Brakha, "And there is no end in site."

The Yesha council has begged the government to stop freezing the settlements but
Prime Minister Ehud Olmert denied that the government has anything to do with the current drop in temperatures in the Jewish settlements, "Such a claim is absurd and just goes to show that the settlers are really out of their mind."
The settlers of course disagree – many reliable witnesses claim to have seen a huge human apparition approaching their homes and freezing them. Going by these eyewitness accounts, ISL photoshop experts have managed to create a near exact picture of the being that froze the settlements over the weekend and , to tell the truth, it bears a striking resemblance to Olmert. But judge for yourselves:

In the photo - Ehud "Mr. Freeze the Settlements" Olmertnaegger as seen yesterday near Har Bracha:

While searching for appropriate photos I came across this lovely set of pictures comparing Olmert to Shrek from an Israeli newsblog, which I was not familiar with, called One Jerusalem:

In my opinion, there's not much of a difference. I think Shrek looks better though.
Olmert is certainly an ogre – but a really mean one as opposed to the kind-hearted Shrek. Also, Olmert is unfortunately quite real. Will he end the Israeli fairytale or will a bold hero come to save us? If so, who will it be? Batman? Spiderman? Bibiman...?

Finally – can you guess the identity of Olmert's talking donkey??

Best of Middle East Satire Issue No. 2

2008-01-11T08:00:00.000+02:00

Welcome to the second issue of ME satire links. As I explained in the first issue, I aim to gather the best satire published on the net in the past week and present it to my readers. In the event that I did not find any from this week - I will go back in time to unearth some gems which, perhaps, have gone unnoticed or at least are worth remembering.
If you know of a ME satire site or a related post that is worthy, please tell me about it in the comments or by email so that others may enjoy it as well.

Note:If you are reading this from a feed you will not be able to see the videos.

This week's picks

First we have one of the best cartoons I've seen about Israel's tireless, utterly futile efforts to make peace with its neighbors, from a large joke site called Jib-Jab. Really, all you need to know about "Peace" in one image.

Second is a long post titled "What every woman knows.... " from a discontinued Saudi blog .
It is about the situation of women in the Kingdom and what to do about it. This was not intended as satire but there are some funny parts, especially if you scroll down to his "Guide to a Visit in a Saudi House". Really useful, especially for us Jews...anyway, I think the post itself is very interesting, besides being somewhat humorous.

more after the jump -

Would you believe a satire piece about Hizbullah aired on Lebanese TV? According to the guy who posted this on YouTube the Shiites rioted and it was taken down. I bet they don't have any mirrors in their houses either...fortunately us infidels invented the internet so hopefully it will live forever ! I hope the comedians themselves weren't killed by those strict adherents of the "Religion of Peace".

And here is a marvelous video posted on Youtube by "Someone Had To". It is a brilliant satire of the BBC coverage of the region. At least I think it is satire. The way the BBC is going these days it really is hard to tell...

And finally, everything you need to know about "Offended Muslim Syndrome" from a really fantastic site called "The People's Cube". Lot's of funny stuff in the comments there too.

I hope you enjoyed the second issue of The Best Middle East Satire Links! Your comments and suggestions are welcome.

Related:
The first issue of Middle East Satire Links

Bush Visit Already Increasing Democracy in Israel!

2008-01-10T12:54:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem

The fateful visit of the United States President may not fulfill all expectations but at least it has started on the right track, immediately increasing Israeli democracy and therefore enhancing its security by that much more.
This, after Israeli Peace Police arrested several right wing fanatics who attempted to spread seditious facts, inconvenient truths and other information not authorized by the government yesterday in Jerusalem. Said Chief of the Peace Police in Jerusalem, Superintendent Gad Navon: "We were expecting an influx of right-wing fanatics who would attempt to spread illicit information and thus attempt to derail Bush's visit. Fortunately we were prepared and stopped them on time."

Israeli PM Olmert praised the efforts of the Peace Police, "Without their constant vigilance, Israeli democracy would look like a wild free-for-all of competing ideas. We would have anarchy, not democracy," said Olmert.

As an added precaution against the spreading of unauthorized truth and facts the Peace Police has shut down right-wing media outlets such as Israeli National News. Olmert explained that under ordinary circumstances Israeli democracy can tolerate the existence of information that is contrary to established government propaganda, "However," said Olmert, "These are difficult times and Israeli democracy cannot afford the luxury of an opposition to Peace and Human Rights."

Security forces have also declared a closure on all settlements in the West Bank. Settlers will not be allowed into Jerusalem in order to protect foreign reporters from information that may confuse them . Palestinian terrorists though, will be allowed to travel to the capital to attend the Peace negotiations.

It is not known yet how the three members of the settler cell were able to get into the nation's capital. Head of the Yesha Council said that, in all probability, the three settlers were undercover agents working for the Israel Security Service, "By our estimates, close to ninety percent of the political activity in the settlements is being initiated and conducted by the ISS. We barely bother to do anything anymore since they are always far more aggressive then we are and somehow they always manage to get excellent TV coverage."

Sigh. So much for democracy in Israel…no wonder our politicians are in love with their Arab counterparts.

Hat Tip: Joe Settler who has the details in "Democracy flies the coop"

Related:
President Bush Visit to Bring Peace, Solve Global Warming, End Poverty

New Peace Police to Protect Israelis From Reality

President Bush Visit to Bring Peace, Solve Global Warming, End Poverty

2008-01-09T16:46:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem

Expectations are running high in the Middle East in preparation for the visit of the Almighty President of the United States. The region's simple and somewhat superstitious peoples are hanging all their hopes on this visit. Even the intellectual elites cannot help but get caught up in the almost religious fervor that has gripped the Middle East. Some hope that a word from the All Knowing Bush in the right ear at the right time will convince Israel and the Palestinians to kiss and make up for good. Others are hoping for a break in the winter drought that has hit the region. Thousands of children have written letters to the White House ahead of the visit, asking for everything from the newest Ipod, to World Peace. But can the Almighty President Bush deliver? Will He? Does the Wise and All Powerful Bush care at all about us?

These questions are difficult to answer. There is no doubt that if He wants to – He can perform all of these miracles. After all, that is why people call him The Almighty Bush and fear Him and His awesome, unlimited Power. Everyone recalls, for instance, how He ordered the end of the Evil Iraqi Empire – and it was so. It is enough to remember the recent Annapolis Peace Conference in which the region's problems were miraculously solved instantly and painlessly, for the hundredth time. Old timers may also remember how Bush performed the "Miracle of the Guarantee" in which He promised that a small part of the Promised Land may, perhaps, one day, remain under Israeli control.
So, there is no doubt that the President of the United states can do anything He wants. The question is – what does He want?

Unfortunately , that question admits to no easy answer. How can ordinary people, as insightful and intelligent as they may be hope to penetrate the vast, intricate considerations of such a far-sighted being as The President of the United States? And yet, what else can we do but speculate about His actions which, after all, determine our future?

Such speculation will show that His actions have varied – at times He is generous, raining money and weapons on all the peoples of the region, Israelis, Palestinians, Egyptians, Saudis and even the Iraqis, who, unfortunately, received their weaponry unpacked. Other times He is petulant and His face is turned from us - strong statements are issued in support of our enemies who grow powerful and beleaguer us. Then there is no rain, the land is barren and no weapons grow. And then, after a while, the sun comes out again and smiles upon us and all is as before. Why the change? Why the change back? No one knows and it is doubtful if we ever will. His ways are inscrutable and not to be questioned by mortal man - be he political observer or wishful editor.

So be it. We must resign ourselves to accept The President's will and hope and pray for the best.
At this time, His visit has begun and His feet have touched upon the earth of our fortunate nation and blessed it. All praise the Bush!
May His will be done.
Amen.

Judges Guild Denounces Supreme Court Reform

2008-01-08T14:03:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
The Israeli Guild of Judges issued a formal statement today, denouncing the reforms initiated by Minister of Justice Professor Daniel Friedman. The reforms aim to install modern, democratic procedures in the training and election of judges in the Israeli judicial system but they have come under fire by numerous opponents, chief among them the all powerful Judges Guild.

The Israeli Guild of Judges was established in 1886 in Petah Tikva by the Honorable Yerehmiel Barak, great-great grandfather of the retired Supreme Court Chief Justice Aharon Barak the Tenth . The guild served the growing Jewish community in its secular affairs and with the establishment of the State of Israel the Guild's position as sole arbiter and judge in the country was formally ratified. Since then, all judges are trained and appointed by the Guild in procedures that are shrouded in mystery, "No one knows exactly how a new judge is appointed or why," says legal expert Professor Ruth Gabison, who has dedicated her life to fighting the Guild, "And the few who came close to discovering their secrets have disappeared and were never seen again."

Chief Justice Dorit Beinish the Fourth, who's family became a member of the Guild in the 1950's said that the Guild has served the Israeli public for years in the most professional way possible, "The Guild is good for everybody," said Beinish, "Only we know how to properly train a judge and our procedure for selection to the bench has never failed us," said the Chief Justice, "The Guild always chooses the best and most appropriate judges -as indicated by my own selection," said the Chief Justice.
"The fact is that complaints are few and far between and they are dealt with in the most professional manner," said Beinish " I know because I have dealt with such complaints myself, such as the ridiculous charges of corruption against my husband who, I can assure you - since I dealt with the matter personally - turned out to be completely innocent."

Beinish said that the reforms would be a tragedy for the whole country, "Better to stick with the tried and true than risk the hazards of the unknown as the saying goes," said the Chief Judge, who also expressed concern for the public who is used to the current system,

"Over the years the Guild has refined its definition of Justice in a manner that only other professional judges trained by the Guild can recognize it as such – any tampering with the system will inevitably result in confusion and disappointment on the part of the public who has come to rely on our judgement in all matters, public and private," Beinish warned.

But despite these misgivings, the Minister of Justice said that he would push on with the reforms, "There is no doubt that guilds can play a useful and even important part in society, especially in a medieval society," said Prof. Friedman, "However, seeing as we have already begun the 21st century and we live in a democratic society, I find it hard to justify the continued existence of a Judicial Guild which is beginning to look increasingly like a cabal of power hungry, corrupt judges as opposed to a professional service to the public."

Amen.
The one thing that truly amazes me about Friedman's actions while in office is his continued existence. I mean, how is that we haven't found out yet that he has been raping his two daughters since they were children? Or that he is an embezzler, a drug addict, a secret admirer of Rabbi Kahane and, generally speaking, enemy of the people number one? Where are you Manny Mazoz? Where are the police and the reporters when you really need them to make up some charges and frame a guy who is clearly a menace to mankind? I'm telling you, our society is going to pieces…

Related:
The reforms as reported by INN

Husband of Supreme Court Chief not charged with anything - yeah, big surprise.

Olmert Indicted for Jaywalking; Faces up to Thirty Years in Prison

Israeli Peace Movement Set to Replace Deserting Palestinian Leadership (edited)

2008-01-07T16:28:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
The Palestinian leadership, handpicked and chosen by the Israeli Peace Movement two decades ago in order to best represent the interests of the Palestinian nation is now deserting ship – this, according to a report by the knowledgeable Danny Rubinstein from Ha'aretz, that bastion of rape in the Israeli media.
Well-known Palestinian leaders such as Nabil Sha'at, Mohammed Dahlan and Hassan Asfour who negotiated the Oslo Accords with Israel have now moved their families abroad and barely bother to even visit their homeland, "Life in Palestine sucks," said Sha'at in a recent interview, "It was good while it lasted but most of us are sick of the charade - there is no Palestinian nation and never was," admitted Sha'at, "We were just hired to play the part by the Israeli Palestinian Liberation Organization (IPLO)."

Needless to say this is a terrible blow to the large Israeli umbrella organization, the IPLO, who sponsored the Palestinian nation and its leadership and initiated the Oslo Accords, shoving them down the throat of unwilling Israelis and Palestinians.
Of course, the Israeli leaders of the movement were quick to condemn Sha'at and his comrades, "Sha'at is a disgrace to all Palestinians," said Yossi Beilin, a longtime senior leader in the IPLO, "He is a liar and a traitor to his people and will be dealt with accordingly." Beilin said that the IPLO will establish a tribunal for crimes against the Palestinian people to deal with what he called

"Weak links in the Israeli-Palestinian chain of Peace, Freedom and Human Rights."

Meanwhile, leaders of the IPLO were scurrying to salvage the wreckage of the Palestinian national movement that they established at great cost years ago. ISL has learned that it was decided in an urgent meeting held in the top- secret IPLO Command Center in the Knesset cafeteria that it would send its best and brightest leaders to take over the leadership of the Palestinian nation in view of the incompetence of the Palestinians, "It saddens me to admit this," said Beilin, "But it seems the Palestinians can't do anything by themselves except kill Jews – which is fine as far as it goes," said Beilin, "But what about nation building? What about the institutions? How about a Kupat Holim or a Kibbutz?"

It was decided that Beilin, together with a staff of two hundred bright young Israeli paper shufflers, will move into the Ramallah compound immediately and start organizing the next phase in the establishment of a free Palestinian country. This was also the real reason why Beilin dropped so suddenly and with no apparent motive from the Meretz leadership race.
According to ISL sources the move will be made within the week, just in time for Bush's visit to the area. This way, Beilin will be able to present his new plan for Peace Now and the establishment of a Free Palestinian State within the next six months in front of a world-wide audience.

However, despite the upbeat media bytes emanating from the Israeli Peace Camp, significant questions still remain: Will the Palestinians accept Beilin's leadership? What will the current leader Mahmoud Abbas have to say about it? Will the Hamas surrender Gaza to Beilin?
Surprisingly, the answer to these provocative question may actually be affirmative.

A quick trip to Ramallah by ISL correspondent turned up many positive responses, "All Arabs are thieves and nobody in his right mind would trust them," said one shopkeeper who yearns for a Jewish leader for his people or at least for his town. Others said that the only thing that could save Palestine is a Jewish President. When we mentioned the name "Yossi Beilin" their eyes lit up. Apparently, Beilin is known in Palestinian territories as "Abu Oslo" and he is highly regarded, "He is the only one who will stick with the Palestinians through thick and thin," was the general tone of the comments in Ramallah and it seems that his reception there will be no less grand than that of his predecessor and mentor, Yasser Arafat.

Meanwhile, in Israel, the possible advent of a Hebrew speaking Israeli to the Palestinian leadership is raising high hopes for peace, "Yossi, I mean Abu Oslo, is a good friend," said Israeli PM Ehud Olmert, "He is a tough negotiator and no doubt he will drive a hard bargain for his people but I am sure we will manage to work things out as we always have in the past."

Middle East experts are optimistic as well, noting that for the first time in twenty years the Israeli and Palestinian leaderships will be speaking the same language, "One would hope that they will finally be able to understand each other," said renowned expert Daniel Pipes, "Because clearly, until now, they have utterly failed to do so."

Finally, the world begins to make sense!

Related:
The original article from Ha'aretz. Very interesting. No doubt, Danny knows his stuff, but like every leftist he has an incredible blind spot that simply does not allow him to reach the logical conclusion from his own information: What manner of national movement rises and falls within decades? Wouldn't such a phenomenon indicate that it is a largely artificial one? I think it is reasonable to at least consider it instead of jumping to the conclusion that - you guessed it- unless Israel agrees to whatever the Palestinians want then there is no hope for the Palestinian national movement. Why Israel should care, one way or the other is beyond me. Shouldn't we be worrying about taking care of our own, first? You know, Sderot, Ashkelon...the settlers in and out of the green line?
Anyway, read the whole thing, it's worth it.

Jews to be Allowed on Temple Mount But Breathing Ruled Illegal

2008-01-06T20:16:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
Following a sudden change of heart, Minister of Public Security, Avi Dichter, rescinded his previous ruling that barred Jews from praying, mumbling, or hiccupping on the Temple Mount. Previously, MK's from the religious right protested the ruling as unfair, inhuman and even racist and the Yesha Council of Rabbis pronounced a new day of fasting on the Jewish calendar to commemorate the odious occasion.

However, The Minister has now trumped all protests by completely reversing his ruling. According to the new decree, Jews will be allowed on the Temple Mount and they can do whatever they want for as long as they want just as long as they don't breathe while they are there.
Dichter explained this amazing change of heart, "My driver was listening to a tape by Amnon Itzhak, the great Baal Teshuva, and what do you know," said Dichter, "Even though I wasn't even listening, by the time we drove from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem he had me convinced. I suddenly realised what I was really missing in my life - religion."

With this intuition, Dichter then called Olmert who approved the move, "He really supported me from the beginning," said Dichter, "He told me: 'The more Jews we get on Temple Mount that don't breathe, the better."
The stipulation of not breathing was not Dichter's idea, "It is a compromise between the government's wish to do what's right and just on the one hand and the need to do what is politically possible on the other," Dichter explained, "At the moment this is the best we can do and I'm sure the people will understand."

And indeed the religious right was ecstatic in its praise of the new decision,

"It is a miracle of G-D," declared Rabbi Zalman Shoov, Head of the large "Nishmat Kol Hai" Yeshiva in Hebron, "This is everything we were praying for and more."
The Rabbi said that he would lead a group of Jews in prayers on the holy site as quickly as possible, "It is true that we are not allowed to breathe – but since when has that ever stopped us from doing what the Lord commanded us?" asked the Rabbi, "We prayed when the Greeks prohibited it, we remained Jewish when the Romans forbid it, we prayed in Europe for a thousand miserable years, so what's the big deal?" said the Rabbi, "Breathing is highly over-rated as it is. I'm not even convinced that we Jews really have to breath – we just haven't tried not to yet."

Others were less than sanguine. Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, the leader of the moderate Shas Party ruled that Jews must not attempt to enter the Temple Mount for reasons of Pikuach Nefesh. The Rabbi, who met with senior medical officials, said that as a result of the information he heard from the experts it is clear to him that not breathing may result in death and hence the ruling.

Other prominent Ashkenazi rabbis pointed out that not breathing over a long period of time has already been discussed at length and proclaimed "Assur" by our forefathers (Re: Sanhedrin, 16:6) and that, in fact, it has become a tradition of sorts for Jews to continue breathing as long as possible, "Our forefathers breathed all the time, including on Yom Kippur," said Chief Rabbi Yonah Metzger, "And we must continue to cherish and respect this tradition which has been handed down from father to son for thousands of years."

But despite these rulings, the Zionist Rabbi Shoov said that he would go through with his plan, "This is an opportunity that cannot be missed – for the first time in a thousand years a Jew will lead a prayer on the Temple Mount. If we have to hold our breath for half an hour or more – so be it. I am sure G-d will help us as he always has before."

This would be a good time to drastically shorten the service. Don't you think?

Hat tip: Yid With Lid where I saw his article. I noticed it by browsing through Havel Havalim – the Jewish blogging carnival - which is hosted this week by Yid With Lid. Check it out – there are a lot of great posts there.

Related:
Israeli Rabbis Admit: Western Wall is Palestinian

Best of Middle East Satire Issue No. 1

2008-01-05T20:09:00.000+02:00

I thought it would be a nice idea to scour the internet every week and at the end of it give my readers a roundup of the best satire on the web concerning the Middle East. So I tried it this week and the results were somewhat discouraging. First of all there no websites devoted to satire in the Middle East that I could find, excluding Dry Bones, which you all probably already know and cherish. It seems odd considering that the region is constantly in the news.

Then I said that I would just gather the best stuff from regular satire sites like Scrappleface and the Onion. But they did not have anything recent about the Middle East. I then searched the web for any satire sites at all, in English. I went through about a hundred satire sites. A majority of them were discontinued, even the good ones like Satire Wire. Pretty depressing for a new satire site and it also makes Dry Bones 35th birthday all the more notable – it is really difficult to keep up a high quality satire for any length of time, let alone 35 years. Kol Ha Kavod Yaakov!
Anyway in all these sites I was only able to find one satire piece concerning the Middle East that was written this week (see below).

After this I had the idea that there must be tons of satire sites in the Arab world – after all, Muslim culture today is the leading source of satire worldwide. True, the sites are probably in Arabic but I reasoned that there must be a few aimed at the English speaking world. Apparently, though, I was wrong. Using a large Arab blog portal called AlBab I went through a lot of Arab blogs in English and did not find one that dealt explicitly with satire. I found that very weird.

So, what all this means is that my dream of a weekly roundup of ME satire in the past week is looking unattainable. So I decided to do the next best thing – I will try to bring you the best ME satire I found the past week but it will not necessarily be up to date. That's not too bad because a lot of good satire has been written in the past about the region and perhaps, like me, you were unaware of it.

Finally, if you own a ME satire site in English or know of one, please inform me through the comments or by Email (on the sidebar). It does not have to be necessarily conservative. I'm sure there is a lot to ridicule about Zionists and Jews - although why one would want to parody the finest, humblest nation on earth is beyond me - but as long as it is not hateful and it is in good taste them I'm ok with it.

Now to this weeks picks:

First is a recent post from this very week . It looks like a caption contest called Lolterizt (I'm guessing lol terrorists) at the IMAO political humor blog. There's some funny pictures there.

Second is an absolute must- see gem of a video. It is a hilarious song called "I Wanna Be Like Osama" from the theatrical production "Jihad - The Musical". This show ran in the Edinborough Fringe Festival the past summer. The magnificent singer and performer is Sorab Wadia. Even if you have a slow connection it is well worth the wait in my opinion.

This is a short one from the now defunct but always excellent Satire Wire. Sadly, five years later this is still relevant.

A nice joke from Jewlarious , at Aish called Iranian Nights. Personally I would be satisfied with far less than that...

An AlQaeda Recruitng video - pretty hilarious (if you're not a terrorist) but the video is quite slow loading up.

And finally, an absolute must see clip from Israel. It is called "Security Groove" and created by the excellent Israeli comedian Idan Alterman. I'm not sure if this was intended to be a satire piece or just a sad or poignant video of the reality in Israel. But the truth is that security during all the wars was never as bad a concern as it is today.
15 years after Israel signed the Oslo Peace Accords, the situation for both Israelis and Palestinians is far worse than it ever was before. Watch and weep - and laugh. Because it's really funny, and we're Jewish and besides, what else can we do???

I hope you enjoyed this first edition of The Best Middle East Satire Links on the Web. Your feedback and suggestions are most welcome!

Dozens Injured in Meretz Infighting as Palestinian Civil War Spreads to Israel

2008-01-03T15:10:00.000+02:00

ISL – Ramat Ha-Sharon

Just days after eight Palestinians were killed in the ongoing civil war in Gaza, the bitter rivalry between the Fatah and Hamas movement spilled over into Israeli politics as well. The violent incident occurred during a regular meeting of the Meretz executive committee intended to discuss routine matters such as the ongoing crimes of the Jewish people against humanity. Unfortunately, instead of showing a united front vis-à-vis the Zionist government, the meeting deteriorated into a free for all in which dozens of senior party members were injured.

As of now, it is unclear how the fighting started. According to one witness everything began when senior Mk Zehava Galon called Yossi Beilin a 'Zionist', "After that all hell broke loose, " said the witness, "Yossi can't stand being called a Zionist – it just drives him crazy. It's like calling Marty Mcfly: 'chicken'."

Others said that the tensions between the two factions in Meretz – the Fatah faction led by Yossi Beilin and including Yael Dayan, Mossi Raz and others and the Hamas faction headed by Galon and Oron were bound to come to a head sooner or later, "No one is surprised," said Meretz members a day after the carnage, "The tension has been in the air for several months – ever since the takeover of Gaza by the Hamas."

In any case, after being called a Zionist, it seems that the enraged Beilin promptly smashed a chair over Galon's head and proceeded to attack his bitter rival, Haim Oron. Beilin jumped over the conference table and tackled Oron who tried to stab Beilin with a pencil. Supporters of both sides took out their weapons - pen cases and sharp paper edges - and joined in the fray.

By the end of the day , the authorities counted dozens of moderately wounded Meretz members– mostly from paper cuts - the majority of whom have already been treated and released to their homes. Only Galon and Beilin are still hospitalized - Galon for a mild concussion and Beilin for being a jerk.

Palestinian leaders from the Hamas and Fatah denounced the violence saying that the only thing standing between the Palestinians and a complete Zionist victory is the steadfast strength of the Israeli Palestinian Liberation Organization (IPLO), "Without you we are nothing," said Abbas who visited Galon. A Hamas spokesman said that he hopes that the violence will prove to their Jewish supporters the importance of converting to a more peaceful religion such as Islam, "Obviously, such brutality would never occur if Meretz members were Muslims." The Hamas government also extended an invitation to both side to come to Gaza "To talk it over."

Long time Israeli politicians said that they are not surprised, "This just proves once again that 'Peace now' causes war and violence," said Likud leader, Bibi Netanyahu,

"'Peace now' has a corrupting and immoral influence on Israeli society and the Meretz melee is just another example in a long list which includes the corruption of the judiciary, the press and the police," said Bibi who concluded, "If you sleep with dogs, you will wake up with fleas."

Coincidentally, the police have not yet arrested anyone. Galon said that she will not press charges against Beilin, "Even though he is a fascist pig and a Zionist tool" in order not to embarrass the party further. Beilin said that as far as he is concerned the matter is water under the bridge, "I'm just sorry I didn't murder the sanctimonious bitch when I hit her on the head with that chair," said Beilin.

In a mutual statement issued by both, they expressed their sincere regret and their mutual desire to continue the revolution till victory, "A foul Zionist scheme caused members of Meretz to lose their heads temporarily and turn against their brothers," said the announcement, "But to no avail – we remain united in our determination to resist the Zionist forces of occupation and fight them till victory is ours."

After which of course, in the best tradition of Leftist parties all over the world, they will turn against each other. I just wish we could reverse the order…can't they destroy themselves before they destroy all of us?

Related:
The original item from the Jpost

and in case you missed it, a previous take on this matter from yours truly:
Deep Ideological Differences Drive Civil War in Gaza

Palestinians Like Some Bang With Their Coffee

2008-01-02T14:52:00.000+02:00

ISL – Gaza

The Palestinians have proven to be quite a rowdy bunch – always beating people up or killing them in some grisly manner, and their concept of the suicide bomber – the Palestinians' sole contribution to human culture - has even become world famous. So it comes with no surprise to hear that they have replaced the staple of sugar with potassium nitrate, a chemical used in making bombs. This was discovered a few days ago when IDF troops found the explosives in sacks marked "Sugar from the European Community".

The Palestinians immediately explained that, for them, potassium nitrate is indeed sugar, "How else do you think we make our human bombs?" said Minister of Health and Suicide Bombers, Ibrahim Nafak, "The Ministry recommends a daily dose of two spoonfuls a day of explosive chemicals for every Palestinian child, and twice that amount for grown ups," said Mr. Nafak.
The list of approved and recommended chemicals by the Ministry includes nitric acid, sulfuric acid, nitroglycerin and hexamine, all basic chemicals in the manufacture of explosives and part of the daily diet of every Palestinian since the Oslo Peace Accords were signed in 1993. Their use has become so common that today, it is considered unpatriotic to have sugar with your coffee or tea, "Why use sugar, which is expensive and bad for your teeth when you can fill yourself up with some good, wholesome nitric acid?" explained the Minister,

"Palestinian women have learned how to make excellent cakes using potassium nitrate and the children love them."
The ubiquitous coffee shops and their customers have learned to appreciate the bitter-sweet taste of sulfuric acid and the rumbling after effects of tea laced with nitroglycerin, "We call it Intifada tea," said Mr Khalil, owner of a large coffee shop in Gaza, "Because it causes so much unrest in your stomach."
"By the age of fifteen, the average Palestinian has imbibed several kilos of explosive material and is completely ready to be a suicide bomber, if he hasn't died already from all these chemicals," said Mr. Nafak, "Then, all we do is hand them a detonator and point them in the right direction," said the Minister, "And Allah, Bless Him and His Prophet Muhammad, do the rest."

In Israel, the government immediately apologized for the misunderstanding, "For years we have been under the impression that these chemicals were used in manufacturing explosives – we had no idea they are part of the native Palestinian diet," said a Foreign ministry spokesman, who promised that from now on, Israel will expedite all shipments of chemical food materials, "I know that if someone would deprive me of my daily sugar fix I would go crazy," said the spokesman, "So it is no wonder they hate us so much."

Well, I'm glad we cleared that up, you know, because these small misunderstandings can really come back to haunt you...

Related:
The original post from the Jpost

"Arafat sets up factory of explosives" A short post from Facts of Israel. Old, but not old enough to be irrelevant, unfortunately.

Lemon Lime Moon on the same subject is apparently not an admirer of the European Union...

Outbreak of Judaism Narrowly Averted in Israeli Public School

2008-01-01T14:04:00.000+02:00

ISL – Ramat –Gan

This just in: A group of alert parents and educationists from the "Ohel-Shem" public high school acted swiftly and decisively in order to protect their children from a terrible spiritual danger that was about to threaten their children and endanger their entire future - the menace of Judaism.
According to initial reports, A group of students began to pray in the courtyard during recess, "When I saw those boys all huddled together and moving and singing, I was sure they were smoking pot or popping ecstasy so I didn't give it a second thought," said the principal, Shoshana Matityahu, "Fortunately, one of the teachers went over to ask for a drag and the kids said they don't have any – instead they offered him a prayer book!" said the principal.

"This is a good neighborhood and the children come from the best families so we are not used to this kind of thing," explained Mrs. Matityahu, who was close to tears, "And at first we did not know what to do or how to deal with it– we just don't have the experience. But to be on the safe said we dispersed the kids and sent them home, reporting their abnormal behavior to their parents. I also immediately notified the police who sent over a probation officer and also the school's PTA board which convened the same day on an emergency basis."
"This is not the kind of matter that suffers any kind of neglect," said Joshua Cohen, Chairman of the PTA, explaining the emergency meeting " As a parent, you know that some things are so vile, so corrupting that they must be dealt with immediately and forcefully before they get out of hand. Obviously, incitement to Judaism is one of those things."

Although there is a growing number of Israeli citizens who believe that once all Israelis were Jews and some that even believe Judaism is a legitimate form of expression, still, for the majority, Judasim is seen as a primitive form of behavior, a throwback to ancient, uncivilized times, " I don't know if our ancestors were once Jews," said Mr. Cohen, "And, frankly, I don't care. Once we were monkeys – does that mean that now we should walk around naked and eat bananas?"
The parents fear of an outbreak of Judaism that would infect their children led to some harsh, controversial measures –

the students who were caught praying were interrogated and then sent to a six week de-Jewification reprogramming camp on a kibbutz – not a pleasant experience by any account, "We know this is difficult, most of all for the children," said the principal, "But it is for their own good – they'll come back normal Israelis and in the end, years from now they will thank us for saving them."

Following up on the information disclosed by the students, the police are now hot on the tracks of the criminals who started all this, "We are aware of a ring of Judaism-mongers, who are trying to disturb the peace of this city and its good citizens by praying and believing in god and sooner or later we will catch them," promised Moshe Aaronowitz, Chief of Police.

However, the brunt of the work has fallen on the shoulders of the teaching staff at "Ohel-Shem" high school. The children who were exposed to the prayer group are undergoing intensive therapy and the school has cleared out one day a week in order to discuss the dangers of Judaism, praying and god, "Clearly, we have been remiss in our duty as educators," admitted Principal Matityahu, "The only thing that can save our children is education and objective knowledge – the knowledge that anyone wearing a Kippah is evil, that they should never talk to such people and if they see anyone like that hanging around the school they should run away immediately and report it to their teachers. Hopefully, that will be enough to avoid another disaster," said the Principal.

OK. That's not a bad idea. But tell me this – how are you going to keep God out of your children's minds and hearts? How do you catch something that you can't see? How do you fight against something that, according to your own world view, does not exist? That won't be so easy…

This story is a perfect illumination of the basic insanity of this country. The principal of Ohel-Shem - meaning "Tent of God" High School – no less!! – has her panties all in a bunch because some students want to pray. I mean – does she even know Hebrew? Where does she think the school got its name from? At least be honest and change the name of the school. Perhaps , from now on they can call it "Torquemada High" – it's not that much of a stretch, is it?? (no pun intended, really)

Related:
The original, unbelievable article from INN: Israeli Public School Bans Student-Initiated Recess Prayers

and also:
Hanukkah Cancelled by Israeli Supreme Court

ISL Special: In Which Ha'aretz Editor Explains Why Rape is Better Than Democracy

2007-12-31T22:23:00.000+02:00

ISL-Jerusalem

Following our report about the editor of the Israeli daily Ha'aretz calling for the rape of various individuals and organizations in Israel, we now present our follow up interview with said editor:

ISL: David, Ha'aretz is well-known for its aggressive stance on human rights so, like the rest of the country, I was quite surprised to hear that you are an advocate of rape. Can you explain that?
Ha'aretz editor: Gladly. First I want to clarify that I am against rape per se. Rape, as I understand it, is against the law and of course, like all of our readers I am a law abiding citizen, because without the law, we are lost. That said, there are certain circumstances in which rape is not only necessary but even beneficial to the receiver.
ISL: Such as?
Ha'aretz editor: Such as when confronted with people who simply refuse to do what is good for them, like the current Israeli government and, in fact, most of the Israeli people.
ISL: And the only possible solution is to rape everybody who disagrees with you?
Ha'aretz editor: Well, we did try persuading people at first, but that didn’t work too well. To tell the truth, we failed quite miserably, so I guess the answer to your question is yes, rape, under the circumstances, is inevitable.
ISL: Although it is a clear violation of human rights- which you support wholeheartedly.
Ha'aretz editor: Obviously we support human rights and that is always the number one item on our agenda. But frankly, you can hardly call these people human. In fact, as we see it, the people who oppose us, actually oppose everything that is right and just and beautiful in this world, so, in a way, haven't they forfeited their humanity? Can we really call them human? Or should we be calling them racist, fascist animals, worse than rats and snakes?
ISL: Should we?
Ha'aretz editor: Of course we should! After all, rats don't have free choice, they are what they are, but here we are talking about humans- or rather people who could have been human, who could have been free individuals and subscribe to Ha'aretz, get a degree in the humanities and vote Meretz, and despite that, despite the obvious advantages of such a choice, and the refined elegance and dignity of such a life – have rejected it. In fact, when you think about it – these people have brought it upon themselves – they are in fact raping themselves.
ISL: Yes. Well, spare me the details…what about democracy? Doesn't this kind of thinking run contrary to the ideal of a democratic Israel?
Ha'aretz editor: Democracy is the greatest political idea mankind has ever known. Ha'aretz is firmly committed to democracy and so are all of our staff and readers. There can be no questioning of that. However, democracy is also a flawed system, especially in Israel where democracy is greatly misunderstood.
ISL: Would you care to explain?
Ha'aretz editor: Many have been tricked into believing that democracy means rule of the people.
ISL: Of course it does. Doesn't it?

Ha'aretz editor: What people? Surely it doesn't mean all the people? That would be terrible! What democracy really means is that people who are normal people, people who know what's right, people like us – meaning, basically, people we can trust – these are people who should rule. In fact, we are the only people who can rule because we are the only ones who know what's right for this country – because, inherently, we are the people.
ISL: You and who else?
Ha'aretz editor: Colleagues, friends. Some family, although, to be sure, my son in law is a jack ass.
ISL: Well what about the elections? Don't they mean anything?
Ha'aretz editor: Who knows? They probably mean something to somebody. Elections are like the carnival in Rio de Janeiro. It's a country wide happening that envelopes everyone for months and lets the common people forget about their horrid lives and stupid meaningless jobs. Elections are really just a lot of harmless fun.
ISL: And the results – they too are meaningless?
Ha'aretz editor: Well, judging by the results in the last thirty years, they certainly should be.
ISL: You miss the elections of yesteryear?
Ha'aretz editor: Absolutely. Everything was so much neater then. People were nicer and much more polite and they voted exactly the way we told them. Votes were much cheaper to buy and much easier to arrange. Those were the days.
ISL: What happened to this democratic ideal?
Ha'aretz editor: The occupation, what else? People began getting ideas. Pride and self-confidence and dignity came out of nowhere like a plague. People didn't want to be told what to do. They started talking back to their superiors…It was a terrible time for democracy. And it still is.
ISL: That's so sad. But, let's get back to the future – what can be done now to save Israeli democracy and human rights?
Ha'aretz editor: Well, like I said rape is the beginning of the solution to all our problems.
ISL: If rape is just the beginning, I'm not sure I want to know the rest…
Ha'aretz editor: The worse you are sick, the more painful the cure is going to be. Any doctor will tell you that.
ISL: And that means…
Ha'aretz editor: That there are worse things than rape. As the poet once said: "Come grow old with me – the worst is yet to be!"
ISL: Oy!

In the photo: Ha'aretz editor explains his democratic vision

Related:
Ha'aretz Editor Is Trying to Get Olmert Raped

Update: just saw this good editorial at INN from Dr. Yitzhak Klein.

Minister of Education Proposes: Israel to Change National Anthem

2007-12-30T21:41:00.000+02:00

ISL-Jerusalem

For years the uplifting Israeli national anthem called "HaTikva" expressed the age-long desire of Jews all over the world: "The hope of two thousand years, To be a free nation in our land, The land of Zion and Jerusalem," says the anthem.
However, according to Yuli Tamir the Peace Now Minister of Education, the words of the national anthem have become outdated and in fact, are quite offending, "First of all, 'Zion' is an offensive, racist term for a land that belongs to many peoples," said Tamir, " It would be more appropriate to call this land by a more natural sounding name such as 'Palestine'
"Second," Tamir said, "The song talks about hope – but of course we have no hope. It is much better to admit that than to continue with this charade. This land was, perhaps, our land, but the times are changing and it is about time we revised the anthem to reflect the new reality. "

Tamir has proposed a new anthem, based on the American folk song "This Land is Your Land" by Woody Guthrie (watch the video here), with lyrics altered to fit the new spiritual reality that Tamir and her friends are living in. It goes something like this:

This Land is Their Land

This land was our land, let's make it their land,
From the Eilat mountains to the Galil hilltops,
From Dizengoff Center to Har Bracha,
This land was made for Arab thieves.

As I was riding the bus to work,
I saw before me a blinding light,
I saw below me I had no legs,
Good thing we signed that peace treaty

Chorus

I've shopped and dined in the streets of Paris,
The shops in London, and New York City,
And all around me a voice was sounding,
Israel don't mean a thing to me

Chorus

No sun comes shining, the night is blinding,
No children laughing, no future happening,
The hate within me, it nearly killed me,
This lonely road, it was made for you and me.

According to Tamir's plan, children will have to sing the new national anthem every morning at school, right after reciting the Pledge of Treason.

Ha'aretz Editor Is Trying to Get Olmert Raped

2007-12-28T09:19:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem

Rape is in the air. First we reported the innovative research which proved scientifically, that Israeli soldiers are racist for not raping Arab women, and now we hear that the editor of Ha'aretz, David Landau is trying to arrange for Israel to get raped by the United States. Obviously, the editor's words were taken out of context – no country can actually rape another one. We take it that Landau was trying to arrange for Israel's leader, Prime Minister Olmert, to get raped by America's leader, President Bush upon his approaching visit to Israel.
As Daniel Pipes points out, such interference in the personal sex life of democratic leaders is unheard of, "Getting raped is an extremely private affair," said Dr, Pipes, "And it is usually spontaneous – hardly the sort of thing that should be arranged, even if it is done by a true friend of Israel like Landau."

Ha'aretz Editor, David Landau, did not deny this request but he did explain that it is only for the good of the country, "Someone has to rape Olmert before it is too late," explained Landau in his usual rational manner. Landau also added that several other cabinet members should get raped as well, "I asked that Livni, Barak, and Mofaz get raped too, if the President's schedule permits it," said Landau, who is still working on the list of individuals, organizations and sectors in Israel that have to be raped by America, "As long as President Bush is here we might as well have as many rapes as possible," said Landau, who reiterated that it is for the good of the country, "Rape is good for you, everybody knows that,"said Landau, "In fact, I would get raped myself if I wasn't allergic to it," said the editor of Ha'aretz.

Olmert said that he appreciates the efforts made by Israel's best friends to improve the relationships between Israel and America. Olmert said that such a favor has to be returned, "Allergies notwithstanding, I have invited the editors of the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune and Newsweek magazine to join Bush in his visit to Israel in order to gang rape the editor of Ha'aretz, said Olmert, "David Landau is a great friend of Israel and also a personal favorite of mine and I know for a fact that he deserves to get raped," said Olmert.

Unfortunately, the long list of eager rape candidates may have to wait. President Bush has said

that although he sincerely loves Israel and all of its leaders and cabinet ministers, he has a problem with using violence against his loved ones, "If I love someone I would much rather coddle them gently and make they sure they are safe and healthy and well-provided for," said Bush who was quick to reassure Israel's friends at Ha'aretz, "Of course that's just my own idiosyncrasies speaking," explained Bush, "To each his own is what I say and if some people prefer tough love than surely it is their right to do everything they can to get it for themselves or inflict it upon their loved ones."

Personally, I'm not sure that Israel will be able to handle so much tough love. The last time this happened, Clinton raped Rabin and we got saddled with their bastard love child – the Oslo Accords which we are still trying to kick out of our country.
Maybe we could just go back to writing beautiful love poetry. I mean haven't these people heard about the Song of Songs?

Related:
The original article from Daniel Pipes Weblog

Remember "Love is in the Air? A nice video is here. Love sure has changed since then, hasn't it?

Shabat Shalom!

Reform Rabbi Discovers Ancient Jewish Rituals

2007-12-27T12:29:00.000+02:00

ISL - New York
Cleaning out the attic in his grandparents house seemed an unlikely place to discover some of the most well kept secrets of Judaism but that is exactly what happened to Rabbi Eric Yoffie, Head of North America's Reform Movement, "Which just goes to show that God really works in mysterious and wondrous ways," said the Rabbi after unearthing several ancient texts, believed to be hundreds and perhaps even thousands of years old. The ancient scriptures, written in a foreign language - later identified as a Semitic language called Hebrew - intrigued the Rabbi, "Deep inside, I had a feeling that there was a hidden message for our generation, waiting to be discovered in those books."

Although it took two whole years of hard work until the texts finally surrendered to the Rabbi's determined investigation, his initial intuition proved correct – the ancient Hebrew texts reveal a Jewish way of life that the Reform Rabbi had no idea existed, "Apparently, our ancestors practiced a completely different form of Judaism, bearing such a meager resemblance to our own practices that it is hard to understand how and when such a complete and radical transformation took place," said the Rabbi.
"For instance, in ancient times, Jews had a special day, called the Sabbath, in which they did not do any work," said the Rabbi, "Of course, such a notion may seem ridiculous to us, but apparently, living in a land of milk and honey called 'Israel' they could afford to take a day off," explained the Rabbi.

However not all the practices have any bearing to modern life, "It is written that the Jews were forbidden to cook the flesh of a young goat in his mother's milk," said the Rabbi, "Obviously such an injunction has no meaning to most modern people who live in the city and don't even have any goats."
"Numerous other practices may seem odd to the modern man," according to Rabbi Yoffie, "But the inner logic of the text makes it clear that at the time they did have some spiritual meaning," said Yoffie, referring to practices such as reading chapters of the ancient texts over and over again, year after year, "One would expect that after a while, people would get bored by the same book," said the Rabbi, who suggested that the lack of printing techniques and materials at the time could have been the reason behind this practice.
Another example is the observance of circumcision,

"This seems a most painful operation and in all likelihood was just meant as a metaphor for a concept that we simply do not understand at this time," said Rabbi Yoffie.
Although the interpretation of the texts is still ongoing and many issues remain uncertain, the Rabbi has already reached conclusions of his own, "After reading these texts it seems to me that somehow we have strayed a long way from our original roots. Judaism has many strict rules – not all of them understandable as of yet – but it is clear that the resulting picture is a far cry from our own permissive, Johnny-go happy attitude," admitted the Rabbi, who said that he believes the young generation will embrace this new, stricter version of Judaism, "As it turns out, Judaism has expectations and demands, but in return it enriches your life. If it is just convenience, then it is not worth anything," said the Rabbi who expects to lead Reform Jews on a new exodus, "From the land of 'anything goes', to the land of respect for our past and doing things the right way."

Related :
The original post from the Jerusalem Post with apologies to my Reform friends (although they already know that I believe there must be better ways to practice Judaism than throwing out the baby with the water…)

Murder Not as Bad as Previously Thought, Says Israeli Government

2007-12-25T16:59:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
The Israeli Government is set to release more Arab terrorists in an effort to enter the Guinness World Records Book as "Most Irresponsible Government Ever". A special committee has been tasked with the mission of finding a way to surpass the current record from 1993, held by Saint Rabin's Government, the first in human history to import an enemy army, equip and finance it just in order to see what happens (answer – the enemy uses the weapons to kill your people and stashes the money in off-shore banks. Satisfied? Now , can we terminate this experiment already ?!?!).

Headed by Vice Prime Minister Chaim Ramon, it seems that the members of the committee are leaning towards re-defining the meaning of murder in order to allow the release of at least five hundred more Arab terrorists. Previously, prisoners "with blood on their hands" were disallowed from being released, a fact which, the committee feels, hinders the governments ability to carry out stupid and crazy policies, "If we would only go by the rule of the law and normal, common decency – we have no chance at getting the record," said Ramon, "Our hands our tied, so to speak, and there is also some concern that if we don't do something completely immoral and reprehensible in the next few weeks, the people will begin to question this government's commitment to misrule."

Fortunately for the government, recent research revealing that rape and non-rape are actually two sides of the same coin without any difference between them whatsoever, may come to its help, "From the research I gather that it is possible that being alive and being dead are also, contrary to popular belief, quite similar and perhaps even the same," Ramon said, "It follows therefore that causing someone to die, as in murder, is not that big a deal – after all we don't arrest people for causing life, do we?" asked Ramon, "And if we don't, then why are we picking on those that do the opposite, which is possibly the same, and cause death – is that really fair?"

Several members of the committee have already agreed with this line of thought, which has also been approved by the Attorney General, Mazoz, "Technically speaking there is a slight legal difference between being alive and being dead, but in the case of Jewish citizens, it is not enough to make a difference at least from the point of view of international law," said Mazoz, who clarified that by the same token, release of Jewish murderers of Arabs would be a gross violation of international law and therefore completely out of the question,

"If, as a result of such a release, some Arabs are murdered, the Israeli government can and will be held responsible for those unfortunate deaths in a court of law, so obviously that is a big no-no," explained Mazoz.

With the legal difficulties out of the way, and the moral dilemma rendered moot by recent academic research, it seems that the government will now be free to release as many Arab murderers as it wants.

The committee's hope for the world record for irresponsible government, however, relies on much more than the release of a few hundred murderers, "The release of a few hundred terrorists is of no consequence," Ramon said, shrugging off this remarkablely asinine feat, "This has been done before. However," Ramon continued, "We are hoping that with the terrible neglect of Sderot and the entire South, the handover of billions of dollars to the Palestinians as well as weapons and ammunition, and especially with the complete disregard of the Iranian nuclear threat, along with the release of the terrorists - Olmert may be able to break Rabin's record."
The committee has also issued a plea to the public to help it in its efforts to get Israel's government into the record books, "We are doing this for the whole nation," said Ramon, "It's not everyday an entire people has a chance to get into the record book so it's only fair to give the public a chance to pitch in."

Well, here is an idea:
Although St. Rabin did import the enemy army and equip it – he did so quite poorly. Perhaps now is the time to lavish on the Palestinians some real military hardware?
What about you, dear reader? Do you have any ideas how to help the Israeli Government get more Jews killed more quickly? Come on, think hard! Do your best, your country really really needs you – just not, necessarily, alive…

Related:
The original post from INN

A previous satire post on the same issue (somehow, this never gets old) : Israel Government Makes Gestures to Palestinians and Israelis in Honor of Holidays and another one for good measure. Take care!

Presenting The Case for Israeli Academia

2007-12-24T14:11:00.000+02:00

ISL-Jerusalem

Following the excellent piece of academic research we covered yesterday, and in the wake of the continuing strike of senior lecturers in the Israeli academia, we thought it would be a good time to evaluate, in the most serious manner possible (for a satire site) this important issue.
First what is the strike about? The strike of lecturers in Israeli Academia is about two issues: teaching and research.

Teaching: The lecturers are protesting the fact that they are obligated to teach six whole hours a week for two semesters. Each semester is about three months long which means that the Israeli University professors spends, on average, 144 hours a year - six whole days annually! - in class with the unwashed masses of ignorant students, "Turning these stubborn lumps of clay into functioning, left-wing human beings is a most difficult task," says Head of the Sociology Department in the Hebrew University, Professor Edna Ben Ari, "It's as if they are taught nothing at all in high school and we are saddled with the task of brainwashing them all over again."

"The lecturers do not object to this task," says union representative Professor Bar-Samcha, "They are just pointing out the simple fact that is impossible to expect them to produce high quality research while they are busy covering up for all the mistakes of the Israeli education system." Bar Samcha added that the lecturers are not compensated adequately for the amount of effort their teaching tasks demand from them, "The average lecturer gets paid only 750 NS for every teaching hour," said Bar Samcha, "This is a modest sum which does not include updating the course material every ten years, reading the materials before class, preparing the lessons, writing exams and checking them, reading student papers and other menial tasks which, due to time considerations, union rules, and " the matzav" have to be undertaken by inferior, inexperienced personnel such as undergraduate students or, in some cases, highly intelligent Labrador dogs."

However, the worst part about the strenuous teaching hours that are forced upon the lecturers by the current, unfair salary agreements, is that every minute in the class, is a minute lost forever to the world of research, which brings us of course to the second, major issue of this strike – research.
Academic research in Israel has reached an all time low in recent years, according to the striking lecturers:

Funds are scarce, new books and periodicals lay unread in the University libraries, and new important research is not being undertaken. "This is where it hurts the most," says Prof. Ben Ari, "When you think about all the research that hasn't been done, all the diseases of Israeli society, left unexposed, the inherent sickness of orthodox Jews which hasn't been investigated nearly enough, the warped and twisted and yet fascinating society of maniacal, murderous, blood-sucking settlers which has yet to be truly researched and exposed – when I think of all the work not being done because the country is unwilling or unable to allocate the necessary resources – I feel like crying," said Edna Ben-Ari.

"This is the main reason why we are striking- it is not about money, and it is not about us," says Ben Ari, "It is because we care deeply about this country and we know the only thing that can save Israel is more and better research – how else would we ever find out that Israeli soldiers are gay?" said Edna, "And what about all the vital questions not yet answered such as, 'Why don't Israeli soldiers kidnap Muslim boys, chop them into little pieces and make meatloaf out of them?' or 'When did the Jewish custom of killing Christian children and making Matzos out of their blood stop – or did it?' and so on – there are so many important issues to research that it simply boggles the mind that this country does not give us all the money we want immediately and then throws itself at our feet begging us to continue our research until it hurts them and then beg for more. Really, is it so hard to understand how important this is to the future of our society?"

Related:
Yesterday's piece, "Sociologist Uncovers New Israeli Abomination: IDF Soldiers Not Raping Arab Women!" if you haven't read it yet.

The original post from Mother in Israel that started it all.

An older post about the strike in Israeli Academia: World-Wide Anti-Israeli Efforts Slowing Down Due to Senior Lecturer's Strike

Sociologist Uncovers New Israeli Abomination: IDF Soldiers Not Raping Arab Women!

2007-12-23T13:10:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jeruslaem

Finally, some good news for women: Israeli sociologist Tal Nitzan, conducting groundbreaking research, has discovered that, contrary to popular belief, getting raped and not getting raped feel exactly the same. The prize-winning research compared the experiences of women who were gang-raped by Serbian soldiers to the experiences of Palestinian women who weren't raped at all by Israeli soldiers, reaching the surprising conclusion that the experience of both groups of women is exactly the same, "This is why we have scientific research – to challenge our traditional beliefs and discover the truth, using the best political methods available," said Nizan, a graduate student in the Hebrew University.

Nizan says that the most difficult thing in the research was hearing firsthand about the horrifying experiences of the poor Arab woman who did not get raped, "The pain, the suffering and the sheer degradation of this experience is hard to believe," said Nizan,"For most Arab women, the scars of not being raped will never heal – this is just one more appalling by-product of the occupation."

In Israel, many were shocked and dismayed at the result of the research. IDF Chief, Gabi Ashkenazi, issued an apology to all Arab women for not getting raped and promised to conduct a thorough investigation as to the reasons, "Obviously, we are doing the best we can to encourage our soldiers to rape Arab women in order to avoid offending them," Ashkenazi said, "After all, as Nizan has pointed out, the reality of occupation is difficult enough without having to go through the life-scarring experience of not getting raped as well."

MK Galon from Meretz praised Nitzan and thanked her for uncovering this dehumanizing behavior, "This just proves what we've been saying all along – the occupation is corrupting Israeli society."
Galon went on to suggest

that Israel establish Non-Rape Crisis Centers in the occupied territories in order to treat the hundreds of thousand of women who have not been raped by Israeli soldiers, "It's the least we can do," said Galon.
However, others seem prepared to go one step further, "These soldiers should be investigated," said Ahmad Tibbi, "And if they are found guilty of not raping our women – they should be tried and sentenced for their crimes against humanity.
"We demand equality," Tibi said, "Our woman are just as rape-worthy as any other woman and besides, when we have the opportunity to rape Jewish women we do it, so why can't Israeli soldiers show some humanity, some compassion, and rape our women when they get the chance? What is wrong with you guys?" asked Ahmad Tibi.

Good question: what is wrong with us Jews?

What is wrong is that we are paying for this filthy piece of propaganda, thinly disguised as research, and that these researchers are currently on strike in order to get more taxpayer money in order to produce more political research, "proving" whatever cockamamie ideas that are currently acceptable by the world-wide moon-bat community.

In Hebrew they say that shit rises to the top. I guess that this research has, at least, proven that adage quite true. But it still wasn't worth it.

Big big hat-tip goes to Mother in Israel for reporting this and translating to Hebrew from Makor-Rishon.

Related:
World-Wide Anti-Israeli Efforts Slowing Down Due to Senior Lecturer's Strike

Saudi Arabia Turning into Haven for Western Human Rights Activists

2007-12-20T12:35:00.000+02:00

ISL – Riyadh

"Saudi justice is a bit firm but at least it is consistent" says newcomer to the Muslim kingdom, Bret Singleton, who is emigrating "To escape the dark dictatorship of the evil Bush Administration."
Bret, a minor leader in the world-wide human rights movement is just one of thousands of Westerners who have decided they have had it up to here with the suppression of human rights and the silencing of dissent in their Western liberal countries, and are now moving to greener pastures, such as Saudi Arabia.
Brett admits that the fact that the Kingdom has just celebrated its 136th beheading this year was a slight turnoff, "Personally, and as part of my human rights beliefs, I'm against capital punishment unless it involves killing Republicans or Israelis or Evangelical Christians," said Brett, "But as an immigrant I don't feel that it is appropriate for me to judge the local culture or try to change it."

Stephanie Colcott, a leading Feminist from Seattle left the States just two months ago, "To escape the Patriarchial despotism of Western culture" as she put it, "I wanted to live in a country where women rights are respected and protected."
Stephanie says that Muslim culture has a great respect for her femininity, "As long as you dress appropriately and don't drive a car, and never go outside without a male escort from your family and don't get an education, and don't leave home to become independent, and don't put on make up or nail polish, and don't refuse an arranged marriage, and agree to have your genitals mutilated – you're fine."

The Saudi Justice Ministry uses beheading, cutting off of hands, whip lashing and stoning of criminals in order to impose a traditional Muslim order on the population. Surprisingly, these harsh measures have, in fact, been a major attraction for Westerners with a liberal outlook who are sick of the way Western democracies handle their domestic issues, "As a long time liberal and human rights activist I found Saudi justice to be a bit stern, at least at the beginning," said the new émigré , Michael Ashton, "But when you see how disciplined the population is, how obedient and orderly, you can't help but feeling that perhaps the Saudis have caught onto something."
Michael says

that after living in the country for a year he sees many aspects of Saudi life that can be imported successfully to the United States, " If we could cut off the hands and tongues of every Administration official that has lied to the people, and every opponent of Abortion, and all the wicked people that hate Al Gore and are ruining the environment just to spite him, then perhaps America could become once more a decent place to live in. But until then," said the former Amnesty chief, "I'll be staying right here, where I can be a free man."

Saudi officials say that they accept Western immigration with open arms although they make it clear that all newcomers must adhere to the local customs or else be punished severely.
Related to this is another requirement which not many immigrants are aware of, specifically, article 35B/c1 in section 456 of the Sharia code of law which clearly states that "Immigrants to the Kingdom are given one year to convert to Islam, if they have not already done so, on pain of death."
The officials disclosed that this minor clause in the immigration laws has never been a problem, "You'd be surprised how many people choose to believe in Allah and His Prophet Muhammad, once they are faced with the choice between Islam and death," they explained.

Actually, I'm not surprised at all, considering that is exactly how Islam spread throughout the world, including the horrific case of India.

Related:
Mere Rhetoric has you covered if you're a Feminist enraptured by Muslim culture. - Think again, woman.

Still not convinced? Try this chronicle of sadism against women in Islam by Kyle-Anne Shiver from IslamWatch

And Palestinian Women Terrorists First To Equality In Arab World - from yours truly.

Does the Nobel Prize Committee Discriminate Against Muslims?

2007-12-19T17:57:00.000+02:00

ISL- Oslo

A new study is accusing the Nobel Prize committee of discriminating against Muslim culture. Conducted by Professor of Objective History, David Feldman from Berkeley University, the study compared the number of Nobel prizes won by Muslim individuals to that of other non-Muslims. The findings, according to Prof. Feldman are alarming, "Less than ten Muslims have won the prize since its inception, while it has been awarded to over 150 Jews," said the Professor who pointed out the discrepancy is glaring, considering that nearly a quarter of the world's population is Muslim while Jews make up less than one percent, "There can be only one explanation for this," said the Professor, "An underlying bias against Muslim culture."

According to Prof. Feldman, the Prize committee traditionally rewards individuals for their contributions to humanity, "But this was always judged by the subjective, humanist ideals which lie at the foundation of Western culture," says Prof. Feldman, "In other words, the Muslim culture, which has slightly different values can never be appreciated or rewarded by the committee."
Chairman of the Prize Committee, Johan Bjorg, responded by admitting that the Prize Committee may have been remiss in its considerations, "Normally we try to judge an entry on the degree to which it alleviates human suffering or increases human knowledge," said Bjorg, "But perhaps that is too narrow an approach."

According to Prof. Feldman the committee would do well to consider the exact opposite, "In order to be fully inclusive and multi-cultural, the committee should consider in a positive light the contributions of Muslim culture which are concentrated on advancing human suffering and increasing pain and agony in the world – only then could it possibly be considered fair and balanced," said the Professor, "After all, who are we to judge the merits of one approach over the other? Muslims have worked at developing different methods of murder and mayhem just as hard as the Jews have worked at inventing ways to heal their damage – it's just not fair to reward one contributing group and completely ignore the other," said the Professor.

If these suggestions are accepted, Prof. Feldman estimates that Muslims can close the "Nobel Prize Gap" with Jews within one generation, "If we give due consideration to the invention of the suicide bomber, the originality of killing civilians on their way to work, in buses, restaurants and coffee shops, the creative use of women and children in acts of mass murder, not to mention the sheer, evil genius displayed in the use of civilian airplanes to destroy buildings and kill thousands of people – then there is no doubt in my mind that the Muslims, if rewarded appropriately, can catch up quickly."

Well, sure looks like someone is getting rewarded for something (take a guess...), at least according to this very interesting post from the blog This Ongoing War:
"Giving foreign aid to terror-dependent regimes is an unbearably expensive deal"

Related:
Terrorist Tourism Spurs Recovery of Palestinian Economy

Israeli Poor Never Had it Better, Says Finance Ministry

2007-12-18T17:07:00.000+02:00

ISL - Jerusalem

A devastating report from the Adva Center concludes that, although Israel has indeed grown wealthier, it has also grown poorer. According to the study conducted by Dr. Shlomo Swirski, nearly a third of Israeli workers earn the minimum wage or less and the number of poverty stricken people continues to grow.

Finance ministry officials responded to the report saying that it betrays a complete ignorance of the free market philosophy on the part of the authors, "Obviously the growth of the poverty sector in Israel indicates that there are many incentives in the marketplace which encourage Israelis to stop working and become poor," said Hanan Cohen, Director General of the Ministry, "This is quite understandable – for instance, it is much cheaper to become homeless and live on the streets at the expense of the tax paying public.Under these conditions, it is no wonder that the number of people choosing to do so is increasing," said the Director General, who called for stricter laws against the homeless.

Mr Cohen also said that many people have chosen to save money by eating out – mainly from dumpsters that are freely available, "Really, what are people complaining about?" said Hanan, "The trash in Israel is of the highest quality and our studies prove that the average dumpster can feed more than ten families annually."
The Director General proceeded to reprimand the poor for taking things for free from the state, "The poor don't pay taxes, they don't buy anything and, in fact, if so many people didn't chose to become poor, the Israeli economy would be in much better shape."

The Director General admitted, however, that the increase in poverty-stricken Israelis is unlikely to slow down, " Unfortunately Israel is a free market economy so it is illegal as well as harmful for the government to interfere in the occupational choices of the citizens – people have just as much a right to become poor as they do to become rich. It is a personal career choice and has nothing to do with us," said the Director General, concluding, "As long as people think it is better to be poor than to be rich than there is really nothing we can do about it except hope and pray that the 'invisible hand' of the market one day forces these people to become wealthy as nature originally intended. "

In the photo: The invisible hand of the free market shoves another Israeli into the dumpster.

Related:
The original report from the Adva Center

The article from Jpost.

Terrorist Tourism Spurs Recovery of Palestinian Economy

2007-12-17T14:11:00.000+02:00

ISL – Gaza
With the Palestinian economy in shambles and tourism in Bethlehem still in the doldrums, the outlook for a revival would seem quite bleak to the casual observer. However, in-depth knowledge of the situation on the ground reveals that hope is near as the Palestinians develop a new economic sector that shows great promise: Terrorist Tourism.

Background
As is well known, for the past fifteen years the chief economic sector in Gaza has been death, destruction and chaos. The first initiatives in this field, called "The Oslo Accords", were joint Israeli-Palestinian ventures and for many years they were underwritten by the Israeli tax payer and other donor countries. However, as disputes arose over the extent and the ultimate goal of this joint death and destruction project, cooperation in this area has floundered. Inevitably, this led to a downturn in the Palestinian economy which traditionally has relied exclusively on violence to sustain itself. This economic relapse has been exacerbated by the rise of the Hamas in Gaza, not because its violent ideology lacks in ambition or even execution, but rather because its unlimited scope and vulgarity have turned off timid foreign investors such as European donor countries who prefer to invest in a more dignified and elaborate program of genocide, such as led by moderate leader Mahmoud Abbas (who speaks English!).

The New Economy of Death
But the Hamas in Gaza did not give up, "Where there is a will there is a way," says Hamas Minister of Terror and Tourism, Mahmoud Nisa, "When we won the elections and all the money stopped coming in we asked ourselves: what can we do? How can we use the natural ability and inclination of our people to our advantage?"
Mr. Nisa explained that, like Israel "We have no natural resources except our people," and that a wise course of action would utilize these inhuman resources, "Since the only thing we are really good at is violence in all its forms, we decided to exploit that ability."

The result has been a surge in terrorist-related tourism," Terrorists come here from all over the world to observe and to learn," said the minister, "They like to tour the ruined Jewish communities and afterwards we let them shoot some mortars at the Israeli settlements in the Negev – a good time all around for everybody!" says Mahmoud.
The Hamas government is also offering unique packages for terrorist newlyweds, for terrorist families with children and also for families and individuals that do not consider themselves terrorists but would like to take a shot at the Israelis, "We charge double and triple for every round they shoot at the Israelis – and everybody goes home happy," says Mr. Nisa

Newlywed terrorists can get a special, surprise package, "We dress as Israeli soldiers and stage a kidnapping – we blindfold them, beat them up and keep them for a whole week in a small, dark interrogation cell without barely any food but lots of torture."
According to Mahmoud, the surprise package has been a raving success and hundreds of couples from Saudi Arabia, Iran and other friendly countries have signed up, "We have a three month waiting list already," said Mahmoud proudly, "And economically its great – we charge tens of thousands of dollars and give nothing in return except what we would be doing anyway – torturing people!"
Western tourism is also on the rise, says Mahmoud,

"Many leftists from the U.S. and Europe come here on our special anti-Semitic program – they will pay anything to take a picture with one of our fighters or shoot a gun at the Israelis, although there have been some unfortunate incidents," says Mahmoud, referring to the death of terror tourist Rachel Corrie.
But the real heart of the new tourist program has been the "Birthright Plan" which encourages Palestinians from all over the world to visit their homeland and claim their legacy, "We believe it is our birthright to kill Jews," said the Minister, "And we want to explain this to our countrymen who live abroad and who are forgetting their heritage – we fund their tickets and their stay here and they get a chance to reconnect with their roots – and some of them even remain here and go on to kill Israelis – I tell you it is so uplifting that sometimes I feel like crying," said the emotional Mahmoud, "What could be more touching than a Diaspora Palestinian returning to his homeland and killing a Jew? Doesn't it make you cry too? Don't you have a heart?"

According to unofficial estimate, tourism has risen three thousand percent since the Hamas has taken over in Gaza, and revenue from tourism and tourist-related activities will approach a few hundred million dollars this year, mainly from Iran and Saudi Arabia, "This is what we wanted all along," says the Minister, "To be an independent and self-sustaining people in our own land, living our traditional, simple lives of killing as many Jews as possible just like our forefathers did before us - is that really too much to ask?"

Related:
The Israel-is-stealing-Christmas story season is upon us - from Yourish

The Case Against Rachel Corrie from INN

Just What the terrorists need - more money - from Atlas Shrugged

To the person who wrote a letter on his blog to the person who broke into his car

2007-12-14T16:30:00.000+02:00

What is this about??
This was written in response to the beautiful post from Nuch Epes Ah Chosid who had his car broken into. He responded philosophically and quite forgivingly with a letter on his blog: To the person who broke into my car last night.
I felt that such a beautiful letter deserves a response from its intended receiver or at least from someone like me who can speak for him, so here it is:

Dear Nuch Epes Ah Chosid,
Thank for your kind words and understanding. You would not believe what kind of things people say about us. I have heard every known curse hurled at me at more than once and I have also been beaten while trying to do my job – which is being a small-time thief. The police harass us constantly and many times it seems as if the whole world is against us. I'm sure that as a Jew you know how that must feel.
People always lump us together, as if all thieves are the same. I ask you, are all Jews the same? Of course not. Same thing with us. There are good thieves and bad thieves and some, I admit, are downright evil.
As you noticed I am doing my best to be as polite and considerate as humanly possibly under these difficult circumstances. I believe that as a good thief I should serve my clients to the best of my ability and there are many more who think like me. Believe me – we are the silent majority! Most of us are good people so don't let the sensation-hungry media fool you!

You can imagine how, under these circumstances, your appreciation was most welcome. I wish we had more clients like you – people who understand how hard it is to be one of us, to be born into a tradition that you must carry on. I'm sure you understand - we really do not have a choice.
I am happy to hear that you will be getting some new and better accessories as a result of our "acquaintance" so to speak. If you need anything else stolen just ask. I specialize in car theft but, as it happens, I am currently looking to expand my services. If you need a burglary at your house or even arson I will be happy to oblige. Also, if any of your neighbors are bothering you or if you ever get into trouble with your landlord - I can take care of it so they'll never bother you again. If at anytime you ever need some high quality jewelery on the cheap (or clothes, electrical appliances and, of course - cars) -I'm your man.
Please talk about these matters with Moishe from your shul. He will know how to contact me.

Yours truly,
The nice person who broke into your car

Note: As of this posting the links to the original post on Nuch Epes Ah Chosid are dead. I hope it gets fixed soon.

Israel Announces Record Growth in Corruption Sector in Fiscal Year 2007

2007-12-13T19:27:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
The Israeli economy is continuing to grow at an astounding pace and with it one of the fastest growing sectors in the country: political corruption.
Spokesman for the government announced today that political corruption, including all parties in and out of the government, has seen a nearly twenty percent growth in the past year, up from eleven percent just a year ago, and up from the meager five percent before the Lebanon War.

Analysts attribute the unprecedented growth to Olmert's continuing mastery of his role as prime minister and the increase in experience his fellow ministers and himself have gained in the past two years, "Obviously when you start out in a new office it is difficult to recognize the opportunities and seize them," explained Olmert, who is considered the person largely responsible for the frenzied growth of the corruption sector, "But after a while you learn the ropes and you stop pressing and everything comes to you – and that's when our business really took off."

Although accurate financial reports from the various ministers are unavailable of course, experts estimate that the cabinet has netted a gross of 250 million NS for this year alone, a sum, which for obvious reasons, is also exempt from taxes.
This includes an estimated fifty percent raise in revenue from bribes compared to last year, along with raises in fixed government tenders, and vote buying. Sex with underlings has also risen by a modest 7.6% (Moshe Katzav, where art thou?). Lesser perks of all kind have risen and new ones have popped up, especially on the part of international parties, "The past year has seen a surprising growth in foreign investment in the Israeli corruption market," says Moshe Greenbaum, an analyst, "The European Union is a big player in the market as well as the American Government and of course the Palestinian Authority, although at times, it is difficult to discern who exactly is bribing who and for what purpose."

Politically, the willingness of the public in Israel and abroad, to invest enormous sums in government officials indicates a growing degree of confidence in the government's abilities to meet expectations analysts say: "Our motto is 'We always deliver'," said Olmert,"…If the price is right."

Israel is no stranger to political controversy and the issue of corruption in government is no different – some people think that it is wrong.
For instance, government comptroller, Michael Lindenstrauss went on record following the announcement, insisting that stealing from public funds or accepting bribes is, "Plain wrong, immoral and also illegal."
This extremist stance was also expressed by Attorney General Manny Mazoz who has tried to catch Olmert red-handed but, until now, to no avail,

"The legal system, which I head, will never agree to wholesale corruption, graft or breach of trust in the Israeli government - that is, unless we get our cut," said Mazoz.

Olmert however shrugged off the radicals, "Growth is growth" said Olmert, "Does it really matter how that growth was achieved? What is the point of making moral judgments in a matter that is obviously financial? In my view, they are bigots - being against corruption in government is no different than being against Jews or Blacks. It's just another form of racism."

"Anyway, I believe that no matter what you do there will always be naysayers," Olmert said, "I learned long ago that you have got to do what you think is best and what could be better for Israel if not a government that has initiative and a bold entrepreneurial spirit? " asked Olmert, "I mean, how can we ask that the citizens of this country stop waiting for handouts and start doing things for themselves if we, their leaders, do not show them the way?"
"It's called leadership by example," Olmert said, "Was it not John Kennedy who once famously said, 'Ask not what you can do for your country but what your country can do for you'?" asked Olmert, concluding, "We are doing the best we can. The question now is will the people follow our example?"

Personally, I hope that the people chose not to follow this particularly vile pied-piper.

Meanwhile the residents of Sderot wait for their government to recognize them: Sderot Under Kassam Attack again - from INN.

Related:
Olmert Accuses State Comptroller of Doing His Job

Olmert Indicted for Jaywalking; Faces up to Thirty Years in Prison

And finally a philosophical point of view for our times from Shiloh Musing s. It's from last year but still very pertinent: "Are We Jews of Silence?" she asks. Worth reading (again).

Israeli Banks Fight Back: Invent New, Preposterous Commissions

2007-12-12T18:24:00.000+02:00

ISL – Jerusalem
In the ongoing struggle between Israeli banks and their clients, the banks seem poised to strike yet another, decisive blow. This, after Head of the Israel Bank Cartel, Yoram Hamdan announced that the banks will publish tomorrow a new list of commissions, "Which will reflect the true costs that the banks incur every time a customer uses our services."
ISL brings you the list of commissions complete with explanations:

Entrance Commission:
This commission is intended to cover the financial expenditure incurred by the bank every time a customer uses its doors to enter the bank. According to Mr. Hamdan, Israeli banks serve thousands of customers daily, "You can imagine the kind of wear and tear this has on our doors," said Hamdan, "When we first installed doors back in the seventies they were dirt cheap and seemed like a good deal, but today, many of us regret putting them in," said Hamdan, "We would close them permanently but the customers have gotten used to banks with doors so we're stuck with them."

Standing in Line Commission:
The purpose of this commission is to reimburse the banks for lost income caused by clients hanging around the tellers' windows and bothering the banks' workers with incessant and unreasonable demands for service.
The damage to the banks' bottom line caused by customers drawing the attention of the banks' employees away from their work cannot be over estimated according to Mr. Hamdan, "Customers hang around the bank, stand in line, talk on their cell phones, complain loudly, walk around and generally create such a hectic, frantic atmosphere in the bank that it is a miracle anything gets done, "said Mr. Hamdan, " Somebody has to pay for this and it sure isn't going to be the banks."

Marble Floor Commission:
Intended to reimburse the banks for the wear and tear of the marble floors that are installed in every bank, "Customers who enter the bank have made a habit of stepping on our new marble floors, brutalizing the beautiful, expensive Italian marble to such an extent that we have to change floors in all our branches about once every two years," said Mr. Hamdan.

Air-conditioning Commission:

Air conditioning is good for the clients and also for the workers in the bank as Israeli summers can get fiercely hot," explained Mr. Hamdan, "However, the cost is prohibitive and after much consideration, our finest economical advisors have come to the conclusion that, in principle, there is no reason the banks should pay for it, if we can force the consumer to do so instead."

The Commission Commission:
The purpose of this commission is to reimburse the banks for the costs associated with publishing, collecting and processing the new commissions, "Until now the banks have done all of this at their own expense but it is obvious that our generosity is unappreciated and also financially untenable," said Mr. Hamdan.

The exact rates of the various commissions are not yet known and they will be divulged separately, upon demand, "It is the right of every customer to know how much he is paying for our services and we will enforce it ruthlessly," said Head of the Israeli Bank Cartel, "All the client needs to do is to file a request for a disclosure of rates and they will be sent to his home address in due time," said MR. Hamdan, who stressed, however, that there would be no point in doing so, "We change the rates of the commissions almost on a daily basis in an arbitrary manner, governed by a special computer program that no one understands," said Mr. Hamdan proudly, "So the clients would be better off just trusting us – after all we're doing all of this for them in the first place..."

Hat tip:
This post was inspired by a completely justifiable rant on Israeli banks made by Yehudah the gamester on his blog a few months ago. It took me a while to get to it but finally, here is the response.
There are a lot of things to like about the miracle that is Israel – but I don't think rapacious banks are one of them.

Are Settlers Human? New Study Causes Uproar in Israeli Academia

2007-12-11T14:47:00.000+02:00

ISL- - Jerusalem
When physical anthropologist Prof. David Abergil decided to do his next research program on a community of settlers he had no idea that his findings would spark a furious debate in the scientific community, a debate which has caught the attention of the public and may even cost him his job.
"All I wanted to do was to study this phenomenon," said Abergil, who is an expert on primates and spent years following in the footsteps of Dian Fossey, studying gorillas in their native environment in Africa.
Now back in Israel, Abergil decided to study a settler community, "Like any other good scientists I came to this research with no preconceptions" said Abergil, "I knew that settlers were a species of primates and all I wanted to do was to study their habits."

However, after living among the settlers and studying them in the field for six months, Prof. Abergil was struck by the similarities between settlers and human beings, "Settlers are diurnal, just like humans," says Prof. Abergil, "And their eating habits closely resemble ours." Abergil also noticed that settlers will often watch TV or read newspapers, just like humans, "I have no doubt that they picked this up from us humans – they are great imitators, just like other primates," says Abergil, "But of course, they understand nothing of what they read."
But the professor is quick to point out that the settlers do communicate with each other in a rather complex language made up of vocal signals as well as gestures, "Combining the two, the settlers can communicate effectively with each other," says the Professor, who admits that he has yet to decipher the language, "Their language may be more subtle than has previously been thought."
But the most astounding finding concerns the appearance of the settlers. By chance, Abergil discovered that the hairy facial appendages, dangling from the ears, are removable and do not serve any obvious function, "Like the human appendix, they may be a throwback to a different age where they served, perhaps, as part of the courting ritual among settlers," says Abergil who determined that the odd-looking appendages can be removed without harm to the settler, "The result is a settler that appears nearly human, except for a round patch of fur surrounding the center of the skull on the male of the species."
However, Abergil found that this too can be removed, and in fact, settlers seem to remove it at various times, "Again, the function of this patch of fur is not yet known and obviously requires more research," said Prof. Abergil.

Nevertheless, his preliminary findings have been enough to convince the Professor that the settlers are of human origin, " I am not saying that I found the famous 'missing link' all I'm saying is that there is no doubt in my mind that they are homonids - closely related to humans - and that we cannot consider them like we do chimpanzees and other primitive primates," said the Professor.

Genetic testing, which is being done at the Weizmann institute seems to prove that settlers and humans have similar DNA to the extent that they can interbreed, "No one knows what would happen if such a thing occurred," said Abergil, "And most likely the result of such an unnatural union would not be able to survive in the wild but who knows – nature has given us the mule, so perhaps a combination of human and settler genes will produce a similar, semi-viable creature."

Meanwhile, the Professor's findings, published in the current issue of the Israeli Anthropology Association are being attacked from every direction possible.
Head of the Anthroplogy Department in the Hebrew University, Uri Neged said the finding are preposterous,

"Everybody knows that settlers are animals," said Professor Neged, "And when I want to read anecdotes about settler life I will open my copy of Haaretz."
The Head of the Department said that he suspects that Abergil does not read Haaretz and that he is out of touch with Israeli reality, "After years in the mountains in Africa there are many things that we take for granted in this department that Abergil simply has no clue about."

Others accused Abergil of getting too close to his subjects , "After six months in the wild, spending every single minute with the settlers, it is no wonder that Abergil lost his mind," said one anthropologist on condition of anonymity, calling Abergil's suggestion of a union between a settler and human, "Downright perverse."

Calls have been heard to strip Professor Abergil of his credentials. An editorial in the Israeli paper of record "Haaretz" called the research "irresponsible" pointing out that the public would be better served by other research projects such as investigating Israeli racism or the poor living conditions of the Palestinians, "Everyone knows that the settlers are the worst kind of pest imaginable – there is no need to study them further unless it is to find a way to exterminate them completely," said the editorial, "Academia would do well to remember that the research is publicly funded and direct their efforts accordingly."

But despite the attacks on his credibility, professionalism and sanity, Professor Abergil remains steadfast in his conviction, "Galileo was imprisoned and Darwin was ridiculed so the conflict between prejudice and science is nothing new. I know what I saw," says Abergil, "And I intend to stand by my research. Hopefully, one day, the public will realize that I am right and the settlers will be treated as they deserve to be – like humans."

Proponents of settler's rights, such as Orit Struk welcomed the research saying that it is about time that science set the record straight on this issue, "Anyone who spends some time with the settlers, and keeps an open mind about the experience, cannot help but be convinced that they are human," said Struk, "They are as gentle and caring with their young as any human and they can be quite intelligent too."

In the photo: A settler: Are they human?
Photo courtesy of Haaretz.

Related:
State accused of trampling human rights of settlers - from Jpost.

Mildly related, from yours truly:
Head of Settler Terrorist Cell Nabbed in Hebron

Olmert Urges Soldiers to Defeat Cruel Enemy, "Like the Maccabim Did Before Them"

2007-12-10T17:01:00.000+02:00

ISL- From an Undisclosed Army Base
In an exhilarating, powerful speech addressed to IDF soldiers on Hanukkah eve, Olmert has proven that he is willing to be just as forceful in war as he is in his struggle for peace.

Olmert spoke to troops who are training in the Judean hills for their next, unavoidable mission. Olmert spoke to the soldiers directly, reminding them of their proud heritage and urging them to be merciless in their pursuit of the enemy:
"As you know," Olmert said, "We are faced with a fierce, inhuman enemy, an enemy that opposes all our values and our very way of life. This enemy has no mercy and it will show you none, if given but half a chance. Always keep in mind what the Midrash said: 'He who is compassionate to the cruel will ultimately become cruel to the compassionate.'
You must remember this when you fight. War is not as neat as we would like it to be. Civilians casualties are expected and regretful. But remember that they are also necessary. In this case there really are no innocent civilians. Their children can and will be used against you. Their mothers and fathers are openly educating them to hate us and everything we stand for. Know full well that unarmed civilians support the enemy and are just as dangerous as a gun pointed at your head.

"This not the first time that we are going to battle against this particular enemy, as you well know," Olmert continued, "But we are hoping that perhaps, if we are bold enough, determined enough and unwavering in our resolve – this will be the last battle – for a very long time.
"But it is up to you –the rank and file of the people's army.
If you believe in this fateful mission like your forefathers, the Maccabim did, you will prevail. The Maccabim believed in a proud, independent Jew who bows to no one and they were fiercely patriotic. The Maccabim were also tolerant, just as we are, but up to a point. When they saw that their very way of life was threatened by foreign agents they did not hesitate to take up their arms and fight to the death for their beliefs. And that is what you must do today as well. Together with all the people of Israel, and in the name of our forefathers, I wish you success in your sacred mission. Remember, you are fighting for your very lives as well your way of life.

"So now go forth," said Olmert, " Take away the settler's weapons, and kick them out of their homes. Ruin their lives and destroy their communities and be victorious over your enemy - just like the Maccabim!"

Sigh.
Olmert, always getting everything confused and upside-down. Maybe the teachers were on strike at the time and that's why Olmert never learned the Hanukka story?

Related:
“He Who is Compassionate to the Cruel Will Ultimately Become Cruel to the Compassionate” – More than you ever thought possible to know about this midrash by Eliav Shochetman from Nativ.

The original articles from INN: Olmert Compares IDF to Maccabees of Yore and Judea and Samaria: IDF Rounding Up Jews' Weapons.

And some more on this from Boker Tov Boulder.

Former DM, Amir Peretz , Now Showing in TA as Female Belly Dancer

2007-12-09T13:31:00.000+02:00

ISL – Tel Aviv
In an astounding turn of events, Former Israeli Defense Minister Amir Peretz, after being ousted from his position for mismanaging the Lebanon War, is now appearing in Tel-Aviv night clubs as a female belly dancer.

Peretz, a long-time leader in Israeli labor organizations became head of the Labor Party in the last elections and went on to head the Ministry of Defense where his shortcomings, namely, his innate stupidity, formerly known to only a few observant Israelis, became widely recognized.
But after all the upheavals Peretz , the man, not the politician, seems at ease with himself today: "At first I was devastated, I toiled endlessly for years on behalf of the ungrateful public, but after a while I realized that this was a blessing in disguise – finally I had the time and leisure to do what I have always dreamed about – belly dancing."

But first, Peretz had to relocate to his hometown, Sderot. The transition from a safe, sheltered life in Jerusalem and Tel-Aviv to the harrowing life in a border town under constant bombardment was difficult, "I was amazed at the transformation this town has undergone since I joined the cabinet a few years ago," Perez said, "It used to be a peaceful, friendly place, but it's become a living hell! Where is the Government in all this?" Peretz wonders.
Peretz also had some harsh words to the reigning Minister of Defense, Ehud Barak, "His completely irresponsible attitude has caused a flourishing city to die." Peretz said, " It is unbelievable that people here are risking their lives everyday and the government does nothing to protect them."

"Sure, what do they care," Peretz said in anger, " living so far away from the front, in a sheltered, pampered life – they're completely out of touch with the reality of everyday life," Peretz said.
As a result of his recent experiences, the former minister has become disgusted with Israeli politics where everyone takes care of themselves, and the poor citizens of the country are left to the mercy of Palestinian terrorism, "This would never have happened under my watch," Peretz said.

However, if you are hoping that Peretz will re-enter Israeli politics and rescue Israel from itself –

you are mistaken because Peretz says that he isn't coming back, "I know that I could save the country if I wanted to, but the truth is that I am much happier where I am right now."

And "right now" happens to be the "Blue Flamingo" strip club in Ramat-Gan where Peretz, dressed up as female belly dancer does his thing to the vast enjoyment of the club patrons, "It's not as glamorous as being a hot-shot minister but truthfully, this feels more like the real me and that's the only thing that matters," says the new, humble and down-to-earth Peretz.
The host introduces his act. Peretz adjusts his makeup quickly, hitches his skirt for the last time and bids us farewell, "The show must go one," are his final words as he enters the limelight once again, the small, early crowd applauding politely.

Thank God – at least one incompetent Israeli politician has found his true place in this world. Now, if we could only get Olmert to follow suit… I'm sure he has some talent, I mean besides lying and swindling. Hmmm…maybe he can tap-dance?